Family Forum / Parenting / Adoption / July 2004

I got this of an AOL board:

http://www.thnt.com/thnt/story/0,21282,1003120,00.html

Not every birth parent wants to be found
My wife is in the unfortunate position of having been the victim of a sexual
predator, as a young teenager, which resulted in a pregnancy. Legal abortions
were unavailable and little compassion was shown for girls that got "in
trouble." Under a veil of shame and secrecy, my wife was shipped off to a home
for unwed mothers, via Catholic Charities. She held onto the only comfort that
was offered, promises that once her ordeal was over and adoption papers signed
her secret would never be revealed to anyone, ever. Other than her parents, no
one, including me, knew of her closely guarded nightmare. Sadly though, she
relived her private horror every time there was mention of adoption records
being opened. Added to the complexity of this story is that as a young child,
my wife accidentally discovered that she was actually adopted by the man she
thought was her father. She told no one, not even her mother, what she had
found out, never revealing it to anyone until she told me when we were married
37 years ago.
About six years ago my wife received a letter from Catholic Charities
requesting contact on behalf of a woman seeking her biological mother. My wife
returned the letter stating emphatically, "No Contact." A short time later, the
social worker from Catholic Charities again contacted my wife, ridiculing her
for not being sensitive to the woman's request. My wife again stated "No
Contact" and informed the social worker that there was no medical history for
"the woman" to be concerned with.

Shortly after that, my wife started receiving notes and letters from "the
woman," demanding that my wife contact her, insisting that she would not take
no for an answer. (We don't know, but can only assume that our home address was
given out by Catholic Charities.) Not only did this bring back all the
horrifying memories of the sexual predator who would not take no for an answer
either, my wife now had to be terrified of the mail. Additionally, she had to
fear that somehow I would see one of these letters and start asking questions.
This was my wife's painful past history, before we met, and she had every right
to keep it just that, if she chose to.

True to her word, "the woman" tracked down our son-in-law and with one selfish
phone call tore apart the fragile understructure of my wife's devastating past.
"The woman" wanted contact and she was going to get it. I cannot describe the
pain I saw on my wife's face when she was forced to tell me her secret as her
world was falling apart. Nor are there adequate words to describe the pain
forced into the lives of our daughters and sons-in-law and the almost
overwhelming agony it caused my wife as she experienced flashbacks of the abuse
and shame she had to endure all those years ago.

Rallying now as a family, "the woman" again was warned, "No Contact." That did
not stop her. She continued to send messages until finally we had to engage the
services of an attorney.

This selfish woman, who thought she had some rights to a relationship with my
wife, was willing to destroy my wife and our family just to satisfy her needs.

Senate Bill S-1093, sponsored by state Sens. Joseph Vitale, D-Middlesex, and
Diane Allen, R-Burlington, fails to address how the birth parent(s) who opt for
No Contact will be protected. Birth parents are not protected under the
Domestic Violence Act. In order to stop a predator from hunting them down, they
need to seek protection from the court. To do that they need to appear, which
ultimately gives the predator what they want -- face-to-face contact.
Protection must be afforded the birth parents for this bill to be successful.

How can the state violate someone's right to medical privacy, without due
process?

With the rare exception, I believe the medical history basis for this bill is a
sham and not based on testimony from the medical profession. I suspect that in
these rare cases, the law would provide a way to obtain this information.

My wife was able to obtain a Copy of the Final Judgment of Adoption pertaining
to her adoption, without the aid of this new bill. The information contained in
this document is taken directly from the original birth certificate. She
learned what her surname was for the first seven years of her life -- a fake
name given so her mother did not have to reveal the identity of the "real
father." For us to go to my 75-year-old mother-in-law, who has no knowledge
that we even have any of this information, and traumatize her into confessing
her "sins" would be unconscionable. The identity of my wife's biological father
and all that goes along with that will forever remain a mystery. Whether we
like it or not, life is not fair. Our personal rights cease where the other
person's rights begin.

A year or so ago I met with Senator Allen regarding this bill (then S-2067) and
relayed our horrible ordeal. I requested to be contacted when the bill came to
the Senate for a vote. I wanted to have the opportunity to address the Senate
in person in hopes to have them understand the down side of this bill. Allen's
office never contacted me. When I read a newspaper article about this new
version of the bill, I contacted her office. The woman I spoke to stated, "I
guess we dropped the ball on this" with a promise to have some Senate Aid
contact me. I'm still waiting.

I still would like to address the Senate before the final vote. I believe, no
matter how well intended the senators are, they have only heard from the
activist side. The silent women on the other side, the ones hiding in fear,
deserve to have their voices heard, as well.
Philip Foley

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A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown