Family Forum / Parenting / Adoption / August 2004

http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2004/08/30/200408300001.asp

Dear Annie: I read the column concerning adoptees finding their birth mothers
and would like to comment. My firstborn daughter was the result of a rape by a
family member. I knew she would have a much better life if I put her up for
adoption.

She contacted me after she was married and had children. I was pleased to meet
her, learn how her life had gone and impart medical history. However, I made it
clear that I had no intention of usurping the relationship she had with her
adoptive parents. She agreed, but then began to show up at my house at the drop
of a hat and began visiting my younger daughter's house as well.

We didn't want her to think we didn't care, so we shared holidays with her. It
was never enough. For each concession to her feelings, she wanted a dozen more.
Now there is a lot of tension, awkwardness and resentment on both sides. Please
tell those who search not to expect too much. -- A Reader in the West

Dear Reader: Thank you for being so frank. Some of these reunions are
fulfilling, but not all. Read on for more:

From the East Coast: My birth mother turned out to be a schizophrenic living on
the street. I got her into adult foster care, but was never able to have the
conversation with her that I anticipated and longed for. Still, I'm not sorry I
searched. It is important to understand that some reunions work out better than
others, and you must take the good and bad in stride.

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A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown