Family Forum / Parenting / Adoption / August 2005

http://www.manilatimes.net/national/2005/aug/29/yehey/opinion/20050829opi2.html

DOUBLETAKE
By Eric F. Mallonga
Adopted child's access rights

ATTENDING the first day of  the International Conference of Adoptive
Parents and their Filipino Adoptees two weeks ago was heart wrenching.
While several Filipino adoptees delivered spiels on the need for
"openness" in the adoption process and rights to accessibility of
adoption records, a 37-year-old man informed the audience that a
Catholic charity has refused him access to his adoption records. I
remember this young man consulting me two years ago. I advised him to
discuss this matter with the nuns in a conciliatory manner. But for two
years, the nuns refused his requests. This has only caused him more
pain.

This young man had also written the Department of Social Welfare and
Development (DSWD) requesting accessibility so that he could begin his
search. Regardless of the pain and anguish caused by his
birth­mother's rejection, he wanted to know her reasons. He told the
audience that there was no bitterness or rancor in his heart toward the
nuns, DSWD, or members of Intercountry Adoption Board (ICAB), who had
all rejected his requests and instead maintaining the contractual
confidentiality between the nuns and his mother.

What he was merely demanding was respect for his human rights as a
person. Although a young professional now running a child-caring
agency, he always nurtured the idea that he could one day embrace his
birthmother and tell her that everything is fine with the world; that
he could share his joys and even his wealth, with his birthmother if
she was impoverished; that he could kiss her even just once and inform
her that his birth alone into this world had value, without any desire
whatsoever to blame his birthmother for his shortcomings, if any. To
him, the gift of life is enough. All he wants is to nurture his
birthmother. Could it be that she may have killed any feelings, any
emotions, any thought for the son she had brought to life yet
relinquished . . . burdened with the choice of having to give up her
infant for his own sake so that he could have suitable parents to
nurture and raise him with opportunities she would never be able to
provide?

No matter, all he wants tell his birthmother now, regardless of who she
was and what she has become-and he expects the worst-is that he
loves her and will never blame her for life's shortcomings. The
anxieties are multitudinous-his birthmo­ther may come from the most
impoverished conditions and from the gravest possibilities . . . a
prostituted child, an incest or rape victim, a health liability with an
incurable disease, a street vagrant, or whatever direst circumstance
she may continue to be suffering. On the positive side, she may have
overcome whatever adversities she may have suffered. But all these do
not really matter now. All her son wants is to meet her, hug her and
thank her for the value and gift of life. And if she would want,
exchange life stories with her. And maybe if she wants more, a
meaningful filial relationship to make up for the lost years of
motherhood and heal the rift.

We understand the dilemma a nun faces when a mother surrenders her
child with a request for confidentiality. But the sisters have the
paramount obligation of counseling the birthmother toward family
reunification.  Confidentiality requirements refer only to the public,
who should not share any morbid interest in family histories.
Confidentiality clauses do not bind the adoptee who was never privy to
the agreement. A confidentiality agreement is not valid when an
affected party, such as the infant, had no say on the matter of
confidentiality. At the very least, every birthmother, even those who
have relinquished children, deserves to be kept informed of
developments in her child's life. And at the very least, a child
needs to have full information about birthparents. It is simply
sensible and the first step toward open, then cooperative adoption.

The nuns must assist birth­mothers in releasing their guilt or anger
over relinquishment of their child. But they cannot withhold valuable
information from the child. Revisiting the past, searching for
birthparents and easing the child's "genealogical bewilderment"
or psychological confusion is most essential to the child. In this
case, the son has forgiven. Even if the mother can no longer be found
by the nuns, it is still right for them to release the records to the
child because it is the child who will have to live with the
consequences of his search, whether favorable or adverse. In fairness
to the nuns, their custodial childrearing practices are excellent. But
beyond nurturance, it is the child's rights to complete his identity.
In the ultimate analysis, the child is the one who will live with his
decisions, not the nuns or social workers. Such decisions are too
essential to be trifled with as the life of the child and his human
rights are primordial.