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Family Forum / Parenting / Adoption / May 2006New BB Church Blog: Identity Theft and Recovery: Late Discovery Adoptees
http://bbchurch.blogspot.com That was very interesting. It's a great blog. There's one aspect of LDA that I'm sure your group has discussed, but perhaps hasn't really come up here much: Protecting the adoptee. When an adopted child is growing up in an atmosphere of, at best, ambivalence about adoption, there's an urge on the part of the parents to lie to the child in order to protect him or her. The idea is that the child should not, in those vital years when its self-identity is forming, believe itself to be second class. As some of your peers would have seen, in many cases, it's an open secret. People who are trusted do know. The idea is that the wider world should not pre-judge the child, and the child itself should not have adoption as the central issue in its identity. (As little as 15 years ago, I encountered teachers who believed that adopted children were badly behaved and poorly socialized problem children...) The problem, of course, is that when there's been such a lie, when is the right time to "break the news" ? In India, the time seems to be around the time of the adoptee's marriage, which - more than any specific birthday - is seen as "coming of age." I don't advocate not telling, and for myself, told as early as I could. But I do recognize that for many a-parents, they did what they thought was best out of love for their child. It wasn't a denial of adoption -- it was just protecting a child from a secret that could, in its vulnerable years, hurt it. It's a different world now, and hopefully, people don't feel like that any more. Rupa > http://bbchurch.blogspot.com > That was very interesting. It's a great blog. > [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > adopted children were badly behaved and poorly socialized problem > children...) Sadly, that doesn't surprise me. Don't forget that I have a bro-in-law (who, incidently, I love to death), who has told his wife that he would never adopt because he believes that when they grow up, they try to kill their adoptive parents. > The problem, of course, is that when there's been such a lie, when is > the right time to "break the news" ? In India, the time seems to be > around the time of the adoptee's marriage, which - more than any > specific birthday - is seen as "coming of age." Ouch! Coming from someone who was told at an extremely early age that they were adopted, I couldn't imagine finding out when I was an adult. > I don't advocate not telling, and for myself, told as early as I could. Excellent. IMHO, that's the best thing to do. > But I do recognize that for many a-parents, they did what they thought > was best out of love for their child. It wasn't a denial of adoption -- > it was just protecting a child from a secret that could, in its > vulnerable years, hurt it. It's a different world now, and hopefully, > people don't feel like that any more. I would hope so. Obviously it never crossed my parents' minds that knowing I was adopted would "hurt" me. They weren't perfect parents (who is, really?), but I have to give them major kudos for telling us early on. Sadly, my adad did throw that in my abro's face once when he was a child ("You're not a real <insert last name>. You're someone else's kid"). I wonder how common of an occurance that is. A new thread may be in order :)  SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo Atheist Bastard Extraordinaire #1557 > > That was very interesting. It's a great blog. <snip> > Sadly, that doesn't surprise me. Don't forget that I have a bro-in-law > (who, incidently, I love to death), who has told his wife that he would > never adopt because he believes that when they grow up, they try to kill > their adoptive parents. A vegemite-free diet might help. <snip> > Obviously it never crossed my parents' minds that knowing > I was adopted would "hurt" me. I don't know about your parents, but I can't imagine that most adoptive parents don't feel some "concern" about how to break the news to their adopted child. >They weren't perfect parents (who is, > really?), but I have to give them major kudos for telling us early on. > Sadly, my adad did throw that in my abro's face once when he was a child > ("You're not a real <insert last name>. You're someone else's kid"). I'm hoping that your father spoke those words in a fit of anger. I'm also hoping that your father regretted those words the moment they left his mouth >I wonder how common of an occurance that is. Not nearly as common, I bet, as the adopted adolescent who tells his parents they're not his "real" mom and dad. Hell, as a young teenager, I once told my biological father I wish I had been adopted at birth instead of being stuck with such mean parents. Adolescents will be, well... adolescent. But there's really no excuse for adults who behave in that manner. Kids get a pass because they're supposed to be jerks from time to time. Adopt older kids and you'll never have to break the news to them :) Dad > > > That was very interesting. It's a great blog. > [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > A vegemite-free diet might help. I dunno, my dad nicknamed me Charlie Manson back in 1970 because he claimed I wanted to kill him. I just thought he was out of his mind. > <snip> > [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > I once told my biological father I wish I had been adopted at birth > instead of being stuck with such mean parents. It's ironic that LDAs get to live out every adolescent's fantasy. But it sucks... I suppose that's always the way. > Adolescents will be, well... adolescent. But there's really no excuse > for adults who behave in that manner. Kids get a pass because they're [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Dad > That was very interesting. It's a great blog. > [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > the child should not, in those vital years when its self-identity is > forming, believe itself to be second class. Actually, it's not an issue that comes up for discussion much on the LDA email list, nor in private discussions I've had with other LDAs. Part of the problem is that parents who don't tell their kids they're adopted are seldom willing to discuss the why's and wherefore's once the secret is out. Or, like my parents, they're dead. So we're left to speculate. > As some of your peers would have seen, in many cases, it's an open > secret. People who are trusted do know. The idea is that the wider [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > adopted children were badly behaved and poorly socialized problem > children...) Well, I was, so my parents didn't dodge that bullet.... The best I can assert is that there are layered reasons for parents to decide not to tell; personal and social, and it's difficult to parse them out in the absence of texts and narratives by these adoptive parents that clarify their decision. Social prejudices can be so internalized that not telling may have seemed like the best option at the time. > The problem, of course, is that when there's been such a lie, when is > the right time to "break the news" ? In India, the time seems to be [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > vulnerable years, hurt it. It's a different world now, and hopefully, > people don't feel like that any more. I think it still happens. I think as long as there is any type of shame attached to adoption, the temptation will be there to deny. Although the social stigma of adoption in the US has lessened considerably, there are still individual circumstances that may compell a parent to hide their child's birth status. In the years since I wrote the original LDA article I've become far less angry at my parents, I think I finally processed my own baggage about it and got around to examining how hard it must have been on my parents to carry the lie forward. I even asked my mom two years before she died if I was adopted and she said "No". It must have been a horrible way to live and I feel very sad about them. Ron > Rupa > > > http://bbchurch.blogspot.com > > That was very interesting. It's a great blog. > > > > There's one aspect of LDA that I'm sure your group has discussed, but > > perhaps hasn't really come up here much: Protecting the adoptee. > Actually, it's not an issue that comes up for discussion much on the > LDA email list, nor in private discussions I've had with other LDAs. > Part of the problem is that parents who don't tell their kids they're > adopted are seldom willing to discuss the why's and wherefore's once > the secret is out. Or, like my parents, they're dead. So we're left to > speculate. My theories are based on talking with two adoptive parents whose kids were LDA (or going to be). I knew one parent well, the other less so. In the first case, they (actually the a-dad) decided she wasn't to be told "until she was grown up." Of course, the context was India, a generation ago. Protective concealment of all kinds of information (including where babies come from) was quite normal; it's a culture that places great stress on "what kind of family" someone comes from; and adoption was not common. Since adoptions were closed and anonymous, there was really no question of the adoptee being able to find birthparents. Orphanages had cradles outside (and Julia says many still do). So though it was an open secret within the family, she herself was not told until she got engaged, in her early twenties. The idea was to allow her a childhood free of all the prejudice and bias she would encounter if it was known she was adopted. Of course it did leave the parents with the "when and how to tell" dilemma, and they left it until what they saw as the last possible minute. The other case was more recent; a woman in another Asian country who adopted a baby from China, and then produced two more. She felt that telling her oldest would exacerbate sibling rivalries and the feeling of dethronement when the younger two arrived. She was waiting until they were all older. She was actually in touch with the birth-mother. I have no idea how this will play out. > I even asked my mom two years before she died if I was adopted and she > said "No". It must have been a horrible way to live and I feel very sad > about them. Did you suspect, then? I think that when people have told a lie often enough and for enough years, it "becomes" their truth. RKB > > > That was very interesting. It's a great blog. > > > [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > of the adoptee being able to find birthparents. Orphanages had cradles > outside (and Julia says many still do). The context of every LDA with which I've been in contact has been the US, and wouldn't be comfortable comparing motivations outside of their specific cultural contexts. Near the time I first discovered, I spoke with a friend who specialized in treating child abuse victims. I asked her if she thought lying about birth status constituted abuse, and she said she didn't think it met the criteria. She also said that I wouldn't get the whole picture about the LDA experience until I spoke with an LDA who was glad they weren't told. Eventually I did speak with some LDAs who were perfectly ok with it. These LDAs were from the US, though, so again it's difficult to compare. > So though it was an open secret within the family, she herself was not > told until she got engaged, in her early twenties. The idea was to [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > I think that when people have told a lie often enough and for enough > years, it "becomes" their truth. "Suspected" would be too strong a term. I had a hunch that something was off kilter in my family, and me being adopted was one possible explanation. When my mom told me I wasn't adopted, I accepted her answer. I should have asked one of my aunts, as it turned out they knew and assumed I knew. It's posible that my parents just couldn't find the right time to tell me, by the time I was an adolescent I was such a handfull that if that was the time they'd thought to do it I can understand their change of heart. As it was I was a stable mature adult when I found out and as traumatic as it was I had the resources to deal with it. > RKB > It's posible that my parents just couldn't find the right time to tell > me, by the time I was an adolescent I was such a handfull that if that > was the time they'd thought to do it I can understand their change of > heart. As it was I was a stable mature adult when I found out and as > traumatic as it was I had the resources to deal with it. Interesting you should say that. The a-pars I knew considered telling their daughter when she was a teen. I personally thought that would be the worst possible time to tell. It's when kids try to separate from the parents and define themselves, and I think they need the safety net of knowing that the separation is something that *they* are doing. I suspect that finding out one is adopted at that time would really undermine that. Can't say if my logic is spurious or not. I was barely out of my teens then, and that's what I thought at the time. Rupa I don't know if there is a "best time" for an a-parent or a-parent(s) to tell thier child he or she is adopted. I think that the demeanor of the a-parents when they break the news is much more important than the timing. Raymond > I don't know if there is a "best time" for an a-parent or a-parent(s) to > tell thier child he or she is adopted. I think that the demeanor of the > a-parents when they break the news is much more important than the timing. > > Raymond Hmm. More difficult to control, too. > I don't know if there is a "best time" for an a-parent or a-parent(s) to > tell thier child he or she is adopted. I think that the demeanor of the > a-parents when they break the news is much more important than the timing. > > Raymond Hmmm, guess I'm lucky that I was so young when I was told that I don't even remember the incident <shrugs> SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo Atheist Bastard Extraordinaire #1557 |
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