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Family Forum / Parenting / Adoption / November 2006NE - NEWS - Celebrating new forever families in Nevada
NEVADA http://www.nevadaappeal.com/article/20061119/NEWS/111190098 Celebrating new forever families in Nevada Adoptive and foster families celebrate National Adoption Day at the Brewery Arts Center Jarid Shipley - Appeal Staff Writer, November 19, 2006 Emma came to the Cavners when she was just 2 days old. She was a Safe Haven baby, meaning her family left her at a location where she would be found. In July - more than two years after she entered their home - her adoption was finalized, and the Cavners could officially call her their daughter. "We wanted more children, and there was a need for good homes," said Polly Cavner, Emma's mom. "If you are thinking about (adopting), look into it. You have nothing to lose, and it's totally rewarding." The Cavner family's tale was one of the many success stories on display Saturday at the National Adoption Day celebration at the Brewery Arts Center. "We are holding this to honor all our foster and adoptive families and to bring awareness that there is still a need for loving homes," said Marla Morris, adoption supervisor for the Nevada Department of Child and Family Services. There were celebrations across the state in honor of the day, including a mass adoption ceremony in Reno and two adoptions in Douglas County. The celebration in Carson City included cookie decorating, cake and punch and balloon animals, all revolving around the national theme for the day: You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent. "People sometimes don't come forward because they think 'I'm not what they are looking for.' But that's what we want is average, normal, loving people," Morris said. Lorraine Vazquez and her family were among the families at the celebration. In addition to her two biological children, Vazquez has adopted nine children and is currently serving as the foster parent for number 10. "There's something going on all the time. It's fun. We wouldn't have it any other way," Vazquez said. While Vazquez said she has known since high school that she wanted a large family, it wasn't until she spoke to friends who had adopted that she decided to go through with it. "I picked her brain for awhile and then we decided to jump in and do it," Vazquez said. Morris said it's events like the celebration that really make her job worthwhile. "I have a real passion for this. When we can make a good match and find a forever family for children, it's worth it," Morris said. "We find families for children, not children for families." As for the Cavner family, Emma's brothers Kyle, 10, and Carl, 5, said they enjoy having a little sister. "A little sister is friendly," Kyle said. "They play and laugh, and they are fun to tickle." 2 years? I thought these baybees were fast-tracked through the adoption mill. Marley > NEVADA > [quoted text clipped - 66 lines] > "A little sister is friendly," Kyle said. "They play and laugh, and > they are fun to tickle." > 2 years? I thought these baybees were fast-tracked through the > adoption mill. > > Marley Oh, some putative father probably made a fuss and delayed things. Selfish people, you know. J. > > NEVADA > > [quoted text clipped - 66 lines] > > "A little sister is friendly," Kyle said. "They play and laugh, and > > they are fun to tickle." > 2 years? I thought these baybees were fast-tracked through the > adoption mill. Although little Emma wasn't officially adopted until two years later, she was placed with her <ahem> forever family when she was just two days old. After all, possession is 9/10ths of the law. Temporary, Impermanent, Interim, Transitory, Conditional,Terminable Dad >> 2 years? I thought these baybees were fast-tracked through the >> adoption mill. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Temporary, Impermanent, Interim, Transitory, Conditional,Terminable Dad Hey, it took almost two years for my adoption to be finalized and I wasn't "dumped". Well, not really, anyway ;P  SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo Atheist Bastard Extraordinaire #1557 I hate the phrase "forever families." Young children believe in this crap, only to be rudely awakened a second time by divorce, disruption, death, and the rest of family life. The article gets points for not claiming that the girl was saved by her anonymous abandonment. But what's with this theme? "You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent." What does this say to parents whose rights were involuntarily terminated? What kind of la-la-land cotton-candy image of parenting are we trying to build? Flackmeisters be damned. J. > NEVADA > [quoted text clipped - 66 lines] > "A little sister is friendly," Kyle said. "They play and laugh, and > they are fun to tickle." > I hate the phrase "forever families." We entered into our adoption from China considering ourselves our daughter's forever family as well. Having said that, and with respect to your opinion, what would you call a family who adopts besides the adoptive family? FWIW, my nine year old is always called just "our daughter", since we don't feel the need to add an adjective such as forever or adopted in front of it. (the)duckster > > I hate the phrase "forever families." > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > Having said that, and with respect to your opinion, what would you call a > family who adopts besides the adoptive family? A family? Your daughter has two forever families whether you want to see it that way is up to you. Kathy > FWIW, my nine year old is always called just "our daughter", since we don't > feel the need to add an adjective such as forever or adopted in front of it. > > (the)duckster > > > I hate the phrase "forever families." > > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > Kathy We frequently speak of her family in China, but it is she who prefers not to talk about them. She also has stated she never wants to go back, never wants to know who they were. But then she's only nine, so what does she know, right? (the)duckster > > FWIW, my nine year old is always called just "our daughter", since we don't > > feel the need to add an adjective such as forever or adopted in front of it. > > > > (the)duckster > > > > I hate the phrase "forever families." > > > [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > wants to know who they were. But then she's only nine, so what does she > know, right? I think kids know more than we often give them credit for. Even at age 9, though it may appear she doesn't want to know who they are, it might be her way of coping with the fact that she was "given away". Anyway, time will tell should she change her feelings and decide she does want to know about them. I know that you will make it easy for her to express her feelings in any event and help her in any way you can. That's what good parents do. Kathy > > > FWIW, my nine year old is always called just "our daughter", since we > don't > > > feel the need to add an adjective such as forever or adopted in front of > it. > > > > > > (the)duckster > That's what good parents do. Ask my daughter now and she'll call us the two most inconsiderate and rotten parents in the world. But that's only because we make her clean her room and do her homework before she can do fun stuff like play on the computer or go to her riding lessons. If it were up to her she'd live happily like a pig and stare at the TV until her eyeballs fell out. (the)duckster > Kathy > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > > > > > > > (the)duckster > > That's what good parents do. > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > go to her riding lessons. If it were up to her she'd live happily like a > pig and stare at the TV until her eyeballs fell out. I can relate and empathize. She'll thank you later for being strict and showing her guidance. My sons are both high school teachers, and they thank their dad and I for being tough with them. Kathy (getting my rewards now) > > Kathy > > [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > > > > > > > > > (the)duckster > > I hate the phrase "forever families." > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > Having said that, and with respect to your opinion, what would you call a > family who adopts besides the adoptive family? Family, no more, no less. My son says he has three. I tend to think of them all as one, joined through him. > FWIW, my nine year old is always called just "our daughter", since we don't > feel the need to add an adjective such as forever or adopted in front of it. Yup. > (the)duckster >> > I hate the phrase "forever families." >> [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] >Family, no more, no less. My son says he has three. I tend to think of >them all as one, joined through him. I like the elastic view of family. My youngest two have just discovered still more siblings (bmother has one son with her and another bub due, but we've just found out there are two more sisters and a brother living with aunties and uncles). So my youngest two children are each one of seventeen siblings ... 7 full bio and half bio through their bfamily, 8 adopted and born to me in our family, and 4 step sibs through hubby's first family. None of these prefixes are necessary or used. My kids just talk about their brothers and sisters in India, in our home, or in Perth. We also talk about their Aussie family and their Indian family. forever Julia >> FWIW, my nine year old is always called just "our daughter", since we don't >> feel the need to add an adjective such as forever or adopted in front of it. > >Yup. > >> (the)duckster > Family, no more, no less. My son says he has three. I tend to think of > them all as one, joined through him. Well that's your house. Mine won't even acknowledge her Chinese family and calls her birthparent "the lady who didn't want me". Where she got that, I'll never know. Maybe she heard it from school cause she sure as hell never heard it from us. So for the moment, we're just leaving it alone, figuring if she wants to talk about it, she will. (the)duckster >> Family, no more, no less. My son says he has three. I tend to think of >> them all as one, joined through him. [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > (the)duckster I don't think she had to hear it from anywhere, Duck. That's the normal reaction to being adopted when you're a kid (and beyond for some.) It's a lifetime of questions and locked doors. I believe that most mothers want their kids. I don't think it's any different in the China situation, but at the end of the day, probably nobody but the mom and dad know the truth, and they're not about to come forward. I can't think of any worse adoption scenario than being anon. abandoned whether it's in China or a SH program. At least in theory, most domestic adoptees in the US have the possibility of knowing their origins. The Chinese girls don't, unless some mighty big changes happen in the next few years. Marley > I don't think she had to hear it from anywhere, Duck. That's the normal > reaction to being adopted when you're a kid (and beyond for some.) It's a [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > knowing their origins. The Chinese girls don't, unless some mighty big > changes happen in the next few years. I think that change is going to come sooner than most people expect. Right now the estimate is there are at least 50,000 Chinese girls who have been adopted into U.S. familes. Curiousity being what it is, my money is on these girls growing up, looking at themselves in the mirror, and wondering "who am I"? In the meantime, China's great leap to modernization is on overdrive. Everything western - from hair dye to designer dogs is today's latest rage. No matter what the current (and aging) government attempts to do to shut things down, the dyke is leaking and the dam's about to burst any day now. DNA testing is as simple as taking a swab from the inside of your mouth. It may take a generation or two, or maybe three, but you mark my words, a DNA database is coming.There will be a sea of young Chinese women and men sailing to the mother country to make that journey back to the street they were left on, the hotel they were found in front of or the bus station where a janitor heard their cries. The Marley of Manchuria exists in the soul of at least one...bet on it. (the)duckster > I hate the phrase "forever families." Young children believe in this > crap, only to be rudely awakened a second time by divorce, disruption, > death, and the rest of family life. Oh bah humbug. Perhaps you could come up with a better descriptive term for a young child who has had more natural/foster families than birthdays. I think it's entirely appropriate in certain circumstances. I'll assume Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are also not welcome in your home. > The article gets points for not claiming that the girl was saved by her > anonymous abandonment. > > But what's with this theme? "You don't have to be perfect to be a > perfect parent." Again, I don't see anything inherently wrong here. What am I missing? >What does this say to parents whose rights were > involuntarily terminated? Umm, that the state took away their children because they removed the tag from their mattress? I dunno. Dad > > I hate the phrase "forever families." Young children believe in this > > crap, only to be rudely awakened a second time by divorce, disruption, > > death, and the rest of family life. > > Oh bah humbug. Leave it to you to call my bluff, Dad. >Perhaps you could come up with a better descriptive > term for a young child who has had more natural/foster families than > birthdays. I think it's entirely appropriate in certain circumstances. > I'll assume Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are also > not welcome in your home. I've got nothing against fantasy, Dad, in its place. But why promise a child whose lost one family that he or she won't lose another in some way? I know that you will do everything in your power to prevent your children from losing a family again. But if a truck crosses the centerline the next time you and your wife are out for dinner, there's nothing you can do. So why promise more than you can deliver? > > The article gets points for not claiming that the girl was saved by her > > anonymous abandonment. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Again, I don't see anything inherently wrong here. What am I missing? Are there perfect parents? > >What does this say to parents whose rights were > > involuntarily terminated? > > Umm, that the state took away their children because they removed the > tag from their mattress? I dunno. Let me put it another way: which imperfections are acceptable in the potentially perfect parents? I read appellate decisions on TPR cases in my state every month, if not every week. They become appellate decisions because the parents want to remain parents. The more I read, the more convinced I become that it's a fairly arbitrary process, based as much on the biases of CPS and the judge who hears the case as it is on the facts. I'll grant you that I come at this from a warped perspective. As a child, my father taught me that family was everything, then (in my childish eyes) betrayed the family. The lesson didn't take with us all. We recently celebrated my mother's 80th and the two eldest were nowhere to be seen. We'll be gathering again this week, and again we'll have those two empty places at the table. I've spent better than 20 years trying to heal rifts in my family, with damn all to show for it. In my world, families aren't forever and there's nothing I can do about it. So, I won't ever tell my son we're his forever family. He'll have to be content with us simply being his family as long as he's willing to have us. J. > Dad > I've got nothing against fantasy, Dad, in its place. But why promise a > child whose lost one family that he or she won't lose another in some > way? I know that you will do everything in your power to prevent your > children from losing a family again. But if a truck crosses the > centerline the next time you and your wife are out for dinner, there's > nothing you can do. So why promise more than you can deliver? I think because you've got to. Nothing in life is absolute. Every promise is subject to force majeure. If it's a matter of what you are certain you can deliver - it's nothing. You can make no promises at all. It's all Best Efforts. You could fail to wake tomorrow. Your child could fail to wake tomorrow. But one has to live as though it's not going to happen. I think if you hedge every statement with caveats it would make a child very uncertain and fearful - or just blase. > I'll grant you that I come at this from a warped perspective. As a > child, my father taught me that family was everything, then (in my [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > for it. In my world, families aren't forever and there's nothing I can > do about it. I'm sorry it's been so uphill. But the very fact that you note that the two eldest were missing makes them family. Family isn't necessarily about love, IMO. It's not even about responsibility. It's just about a de facto connection. If my aunt was hit by a truck, she might be dead, but she's still my aunt. So, I won't ever tell my son we're his forever family. > He'll have to be content with us simply being his family as long as > he's willing to have us. Or as long as something doesn't go grievously wrong with the family dynamics or the traffic conditions or his own worldview? Doesn't work for me. As much as anything is permanent, the adoptive family is permanent. That is, it is until it isn't. But it's intended to be. That said, we never used the term Forever Family. It wasn't even appropriate in the context of children who had known no other family. But I can see how it might have a deeper meaning to a child who had been cared for by several families, never knowing which one was really his or her own. On Nov 21, 6:07 am, "rkb...@pacific.net.sg" <rkb...@pacific.net.sg> wrote: <snip> > Doesn't work for me. As much as anything is permanent, the adoptive > family is permanent. That is, it is until it isn't. But it's intended [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > been cared for by several families, never knowing which one was really > his or her own. Our son was not introduced to the term by his adoptive family. Rather, it was his social worker who used it many times before placement to distinguish between us and the multiple natural/foster families that came in and out of his life before his 5th birthday. We don't use the term today, nor did we use it more than a time or two during his first year in our home. Even at the time, we certainly didn't use it as an exclusionary term. He has a biological mother and father (somewhere) - that will never change. Admittedly, the term "forever family" holds a special place in my heart. At our finalization hearing 9 months after he was placed in our home, the judge spoke to him from the bench. The judge asked him if he wanted to be adopted by this mother and father - and why. Our son, dressed in his little blue suit and Mickey Mouse tie barely whispered the words... "because I need a forever Mom and Dad." Eleven years later, I remember those words as if they were spoken yesterday. It was that moment, more than any other, that steeled my resolve to be as "forever" a father as I possibly could. So no, I don't cringe when the term is used. Under certain circumstances and in the right context I think it's entirely acceptable. Dad > > > I hate the phrase "forever families." Young children believe in this > > > crap, only to be rudely awakened a second time by divorce, disruption, [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > child whose lost one family that he or she won't lose another in some > way? It's not a promise we brought forth, his social worker branded us his "forever family" long before he was placed in our home. Was she wreckless in doing so? Perhaps. Did I immediately discourage its use or feel the urge to throw in disclaimers? Not for a moment. >I know that you will do everything in your power to prevent your > children from losing a family again. But if a truck crosses the [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > > tag from their mattress? I dunno.Let me put it another way: which imperfections are acceptable in the > potentially perfect parents? I'm glad I don't have to make that decision, counselor. Just the same, I'm glad someone does. Let's just say the proverbial line lies somewhere between removing the consumer tag on the mattress - and a doped up meth addict who sexually and physically abuses their own children. > I read appellate decisions on TPR cases in my state every month, if not > every week. They become appellate decisions because the parents want > to remain parents. The more I read, the more convinced I become that > it's a fairly arbitrary process, based as much on the biases of CPS and > the judge who hears the case as it is on the facts. Sounds not unlike the criminal and civil court system in general. > I'll grant you that I come at this from a warped perspective. As a > child, my father taught me that family was everything, then (in my [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > He'll have to be content with us simply being his family as long as > he's willing to have us. A promise you also can't deliver, J. If you want to interpret it literally, you could be taken from his life long before he's ready or willing for it to happen. Dad < snip > > > So, I won't ever tell my son we're his forever family. > > He'll have to be content with us simply being his family as long as > > he's willing to have us. Frankly, there have been a few moments over the years that our son would have preferred another set of parents. So, no, it's not completely under his control, either. Guess we're stuck with each other for the most part - just like non-adoptive families. Dad By the way, my son is testing for his driver's license next week. He's already pimping out his mother's old 98 Honda CRV - it's kinda comical. > < snip > > [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > By the way, my son is testing for his driver's license next week. He's > already pimping out his mother's old 98 Honda CRV - it's kinda comical. Can I offer you some advice? (about setting down the rules for driving) Kathy (experienced mother) > > By the way, my son is testing for his driver's license next week. He's > > already pimping out his mother's old 98 Honda CRV - it's kinda comical [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > Kathy > (experienced mother) Absolutely. Most of my peers have children in college, so I eagerly soak up advice from those who have been there, done that. Actually, he will have to agree to the terms and conditions of a written contract before we hand over the keys, spelling out not only forbidden behaviors, but the consequences that come with each of them. We did the same thing when he asked for a cell phone a couple of years ago. I'm not an attorney, but I watch Judge Judy every chance I get. :) Dad > > > By the way, my son is testing for his driver's license next week. He's > > > already pimping out his mother's old 98 Honda CRV - it's kinda comical [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > ago. I'm not an attorney, but I watch Judge Judy every chance I get. > :) If you're a fan of Judge Judy, you've already got a plan in place. She's something else, isn't she? Basically, I told the boys, the first ticket I'll pay for as everyone is entitled to make one mistake, but the second one will be on you because you'll be paying for it, along with the fact that you'll now be paying for your own car and car insurance. By golly, it worked. Kathy (no free rides in our house) > I hate the phrase "forever families." Young children believe in this > crap, only to be rudely awakened a second time by divorce, disruption, [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > J. I never really minded the term forever family but the more I think about what you're saying, I tend to agree it does seem sort of sappy. Also, we all know every adoptee has two families. If one is his forever family, does this make his birth family temporary? I don't think so. Maybe stressing the forever part to a young adoptee would send a negative message about his bfamily. Not sure, just throwing this out there. Kathy > > NEVADA > > [quoted text clipped - 66 lines] > > "A little sister is friendly," Kyle said. "They play and laugh, and > > they are fun to tickle." < snip > > Also, we all know every adoptee has two families. If one is his > forever family, does this make his birth family temporary? I don't > think so. Maybe stressing the forever part to a young adoptee would > send a negative message about his bfamily. Not sure, just throwing > this out there. In our case, the term "forever family" had nothing to do with adoptive vs biological. It was used to distinguish between the numerous temporary foster families and a family of a more permanent nature. It took my son almost two years in our home to fully trust the difference. Dad > NEVADA > [quoted text clipped - 66 lines] > "A little sister is friendly," Kyle said. "They play and laugh, and > they are fun to tickle." ................A little sister is friendly," Kyle said. "They play and laugh, and they are fun to tickle." Oh spare us. Boys at that age hate girls. Who makes this crap up? "BitterHarvest" <patrice068@optusnet.com.au> wrote in message snip > ................A little sister is friendly," Kyle said. "They play and > laugh, and > they are fun to tickle." > > Oh spare us. Boys at that age hate girls. Who makes this crap up? Your current moniker is extremely appropriate. SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo #1557 > "BitterHarvest" <patrice068@optusnet.com.au> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > Your current moniker is extremely appropriate. She has to have her morning enema. >> "BitterHarvest" <patrice068@optusnet.com.au> wrote in message >> [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > She has to have her morning enema. SNORT! I think I just got a nose enema with Diet Coke! Hooooooot! :) SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo #1557 > >> "BitterHarvest" <patrice068@optusnet.com.au> wrote in message > >> [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > SNORT! I think I just got a nose enema with Diet Coke! Hooooooot! :) LOL, and she wonders why she has received so little support or recognition from this ng. Kathy > > >> "BitterHarvest" <patrice068@optusnet.com.au> wrote in message > > >> [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > > Kathy So I take it you're in support of the rest of the drivel Safehaven puts up on this ng in her promotion of baby abandonment as well? > > > >> "BitterHarvest" <patrice068@optusnet.com.au> wrote in message > > > >> [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > So I take it you're in support of the rest of the drivel Safehaven > puts up on this ng in her promotion of baby abandonment as well? Oh Di, give your brain a rest and stop pretending you are capable of reading my thoughts. Let your fingers google.....and you'll know how I feel about legal baby dumping. Kathy >> > >> "BitterHarvest" <patrice068@optusnet.com.au> wrote in message >> > >> [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > So I take it you're in support of the rest of the drivel Safehaven > puts up on this ng in her promotion of baby abandonment as well? Hardly. Some of us just tend to ignore a lot of those posts as opposed to bitching about them. SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo Atheist Bastard Extraordinaire #1557 > > "BitterHarvest" <patrice068@optusnet.com.au> wrote in message > > [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > She has to have her morning enema. Dragging mine to Chinese school on Sunday week after week I've always said she'd rather have an enema herself than go to school sometimes. But I keep believing that someday she'll want to know who her people are and that it might be useful to have a word or two in Chinese under her belt. (the)duckster |
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