Family Forum / Parenting / Adoption / April 2007

Hi

I am part of an adoptee support board that has some people who are
active in U.S. searches,

http://afc.smfforfree2.com/index.php/board,1.0.html

good luck whatever you decide to do.

Joy

another adoptee

I am part of an adoptee support board where there is help/direction
with seaching if that is what you decide to do.

http://afc.smfforfree2.com/index.php/board,1.0.html

Good luck  and warm wishes

Joy
Another Adoptee

A few years ago, I might  have jumped in to say, sure! It's going to
be worth it. After a few years of hanging out here, I am more
cautious.
(I speak as someone not directly affected: I am an a-par, and so far,
my kid has shown zero interest in searching. So I hope people who have
actually done it will post here.)

As I see it, here are the pros and cons.

PROS.

Identity.
You find out more about your biological identity - physical features,
mannerisms, talents and interests. You may or may not find a match,
but many adoptees do. For some, it feels like a kind of validation and
connectedness.

Medical.
You may get medical background that is helpful.

Your story.
You may find out more about the circumstances in which you were
relinquished.

Another family.
You may discover birth-family  who you may want a relationship with --
birth parents, siblings (or half-siblings), grandparents, aunts and
uncles and cousins.

CONS:

Changed identity. It will very likely change your perception of
yourself. This may or may not be a good thing.

Possible dark secrets.
Sometimes, the facts you discover can be dark and depressing.
People have found out about rape, about abandonment, about missed
abortions, about abusive spouses that are also a birth-parent, about
child-abuse.

Unfriendly birth-family.
Sometimes birth-families do not welcome the adoptive kid. And in some
cases, the birth-mother has kept it secret, and isn't prepared to
reveal it now. They may not be prepared to have a relationship at all.
And sometimes there are rivalries between the relinquished kid and the
kept kids.

Mismatched expectations.
Given the nature of the situation - emotionally loaded, but separated
by many years and the maturation of a baby into an adult - there is
often a mismatch between what the finder and the findee hope to get
from the relationship. Even if you think you're only in it for the
information, you may discover you really want a relationship. Or you
may not - but the birth-family might. Defining boundaries and
intrusiveness and level of commitment becomes complex.

Unexpected emotions.
You may think it's a dispassionate exercise, you just want information
that you can pass on to your kids. And in the end, it may well be. But
many people here have reported that they were hit by emotions they did
not know about, and did not visualize. This can be wonderful, but it
can also be awful. Either way, it's unsettling.

BOTTOM LINE:
Once you have the information, you can't not know it any more. Once
you've made contact, you may break it, but you can't not have met or
talked to the birth-family. It's not a reversible process.

So - what I would recommend is, before searching, talk to a lot of
people who did. People with good reunions, and people with bad ones.
Google this group, go back 10-15 years. There are some of both, and
their experiences will give you some idea. We were discussing, on
another thread, counselling prior to search. I don't know if that's
available. But certainly be prepared for something that will
potentially have a huge emotional impact on you.

Once you've decided to search, there are a lot of resouces available,
and many people here can help you.

Marley Girl?   Love the name.  Good luck with your search.

Dad