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Family Forum / Parenting / Adoption / August 2007a birthmom asking a question
I am a birthmom of a 17 year old, whom I gave up at birth. I would like to hear from adoptive parents: Do you think it is a bad thing for an adopted teenager to forge a relationship with birthparents? Is it bad for the teen? Is it scary for the a- parents? Do you think it is fair to ask a birthparent to 'back off', when the teen is already pursuing a personal relationship? > I am a birthmom of a 17 year old, whom I gave up at birth. I > would like to hear from adoptive parents: Do you think it is a bad > thing for an adopted teenager to forge a relationship with > birthparents? I don't think it's bad in itself. I just don't think it can come from you. I has to come from 17 year old. He is the one who has to, at a certain point in life, express the wish to meet his biological parents. If he doesn't, ever, my feeling is that you have forfeit that right. Good luck. > I am a birthmom of a 17 year old, whom I gave up at birth. I > would like to hear from adoptive parents: Do you think it is a bad [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > Do you think it is fair to ask a birthparent to 'back off', > when the teen is already pursuing a personal relationship? Wasn't it you a few weeks ago saying you were meeting your b-daughter for the first time? If her a-parents are asking you to back off, I would suggest just waiting a bit. If she's 17 now, she'll soon be 18. On the rest of your questions - I doubt that one can generalise. In some situations, it would be great; in others, not so much. > If her a-parents are asking you to back off, I would suggest just > waiting a bit. If she's 17 now, she'll soon be 18. I missed the first part then. But what does the girl want? Anybody say?? :-/ > <rkb...@pacific.net.sg> ha scritto nel messaggionews:1186910184.047585.78780@j4g2000prf.googlegroups.com...> If her a-parents are asking you to back off, I would suggest just > > waiting a bit. If she's 17 now, she'll soon be 18. > > I missed the first part then. But what does the girl want? Anybody say?? > :-/ >From the OP's earlier post, it seems that she's already in touch with her on myspace and through e-mail etc. I'm guessing that the kid wants the meeting, the a-parents don't think she's ready, and the OP really wants to meet the kid. In that situation, I think everything becomes a *lot* simpler if they just wait until the girl is 18. After that, who she meets, when, and whether she shares that info with anyone else becomes her own business. > In that situation, I think everything becomes a *lot* simpler if they > just wait until the girl is 18. After that, who she meets, when, and > whether she shares that info with anyone else becomes her own > business. Since she's 17 I agree, it's not so long. I'm surprised at the parents though. If I had a daughter who wants to meet her biological mother, I'd actually be the one organizing it and helping her along >> In that situation, I think everything becomes a *lot* simpler if they >> just wait until the girl is 18. After that, who she meets, when, and [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > though. If I had a daughter who wants to meet her biological mother, I'd > actually be the one organizing it and helping her along Yeah, my amom was like that too. Always incouraging me to search and offering assistance. Then I met my bmom, got rejected and when I told my amom, she said that I got what I deserved, I was my bmom's "shame" and she didn't know what I was doing bothering the woman in the first place.  SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 > Then I met my bmom, got rejected and when I told my amom, she said that I > got what I deserved, I was my bmom's "shame" and she didn't know what I > was doing bothering the woman in the first place. God, are you serious? Can I laugh?? (it's not funny..) Can I say what a bitch? Well, all I can say is not everyone's the same... and you mom is probably another generation from me... this stuff about being your bmom's shame sounds very 1950's, Peyton Placeish... Nobody thinks like that any more, it's not a question of shame. It's just something most kids have to do. I know I would have done it if I'd been adopted. Part of your mother's "job" should have been also preparing you for rejection, if tyou were put up for adoption in the first place there was a good chance that she might not want to see you. >> Then I met my bmom, got rejected and when I told my amom, she said that I >> got what I deserved, I was my bmom's "shame" and she didn't know what I >> was doing bothering the woman in the first place. > God, are you serious? Sadly, yes. Can I laugh?? (it's not funny..) Hey, that's up to you. It's all water under the bridge now. I actually did "get back together" with my bmom after this lovely little conversation with my amom. We wrote back and forth for a time, even met her and my half-sister for lunch. However, things did not continue. In December, it'll be two years since I last wrote her. I haven't heard a thing since. Whatever. I've washed my hands of the situation. Can I say what a > bitch? Yeah, that's the way I felt at the time. However, I've learned a lot about my amom'sr life, why she had insecurities, etc., since then, so I don't judge her too harshly. And now, she has Alzheimers and guess who's in charge of taking care of her? >Well, all I can say is not everyone's the same Gee, really? ... and you mom is > probably another generation from me... this stuff about being your bmom's > shame sounds very 1950's, Peyton Placeish... 1961'ish in my case. Pretty much the same thing. Nobody thinks like that any > more, Out of curiousity, what makes you think you can know that? it's not a question of shame. It's just something most kids have to > do. Most kids have do to what? Look for their birthparents? I wasn't a kid. I was 40 when I searched for and found my bmom. >I know I would have done it if I'd been adopted. You really can't say that. Every situation's different. Part of your mother's > "job" should have been also preparing you for rejection, What makes you say that? Who are you to say what an amom's "job" is? if tyou were put up > for adoption in the first place there was a good chance that she might not > want to see you. Yeah well, hindsight's a wonderful thing, isn't it? SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 > And now, she has Alzheimers and guess who's in charge of taking care of > her? well, you're her daughter, aren't you...? > 1961'ish in my case. Pretty much the same thing. there you go, another mentality... even adoptions were viewed differently then > Out of curiousity, what makes you think you can know that? Ok, I generalized a bit much. But times HAVE changed, come on. In the 50's, 60's, it was considered "shameful" to have a baby out of wedlock. It's really not any more, is it? This is what I mean. > I wasn't a kid. I was 40 when I searched for and found my bmom. Ok. But you did eventually, didn't you? How come you didn't look for here sooner? Had you been thinking about it, or did it come up later on in your life. usually I see kids (yes, kids... :-) at around 17/ 18 start to wonder and seriously ask after their biological parents. > You really can't say that. Every situation's different. gee...really..?? Just kidding, but I DO know myself. I would have. I ask a lot of questions even about people who've been gone a long time. I'm interested in knowing my family, my roots, so... yeah, I probably would have. > What makes you say that? Who are you to say what an amom's "job" is? I wrote "job", not JOB. Don't snap at me like that...I do think that if you're a parent it's just part of what you do, and here I don't just mean adoptive parent. Parent. Period. To help your child grow into himself and his own identity, however possible. That's what I try to do. > Yeah well, hindsight's a wonderful thing, isn't it? Robyn, it's not hindsight, it's common sense. >> And now, she has Alzheimers and guess who's in charge of taking care of >> her? > > well, you're her daughter, aren't you...? Legally, yeah ;) >> 1961'ish in my case. Pretty much the same thing. > > there you go, another mentality... even adoptions were viewed differently > then \ Something which I'm well aware. >> Out of curiousity, what makes you think you can know that? > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > Ok. But you did eventually, didn't you? That's what I just wrote. How come you didn't look for here > sooner? That's kind of personal question, don't you think? The answer is, I wasn't interested. Had you been thinking about it, or did it come up later on in your > life. usually I see kids (yes, kids... :-) at around 17/ 18 start to > wonder and seriously ask after their biological parents. I got non-ID info when I was 16. I didn't get more interested in searching until I had my own daughter - and I had her when I was 37. >> You really can't say that. Every situation's different. > > gee...really..?? Just kidding, but I DO know myself. I would have. I ask a > lot of questions even about people who've been gone a long time. I'm > interested in knowing my family, my roots, so... yeah, I probably would > have. Maybe - Maybe not. Not being adopted, you'll never know anyway. >> What makes you say that? Who are you to say what an amom's "job" is? > > I wrote "job", not JOB. They're both the same word. What's your point? > Don't snap at me like that.. What's your problem? I'll do as I please, thanks much. .I do think that if > you're a parent it's just part of what you do, and here I don't just mean > adoptive parent. Parent. Period. To help your child grow into himself and > his own identity, however possible. That's what I try to do. Okay, that's what YOU try to do. That certainly doesn't mean it's a requirement. >> Yeah well, hindsight's a wonderful thing, isn't it? > Robyn, it's not hindsight, it's common sense. In your opinion, obviously. I hate to break it to you, but parenting is different for everyone. Why would you assume that just because you do things a certain way that everyone else should? SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 > > And now, she has Alzheimers and guess who's in charge of taking care of > > her? [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > > Robyn, it's not hindsight, it's common sense. Maybe her mother was in the early stages of Alzhimer's when she made her condradictory statement? Or don't you think outside the box? It's only common sense, ya know. @@ Kathy snip >> Robyn, it's not hindsight, it's common sense. > > Maybe her mother was in the early stages of Alzhimer's when she made > her condradictory statement? Or don't you think outside the box? > It's only common sense, ya know. @@\ LOL. No, I don't think my mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer's when she made that original statement - I'm sure it was made out of resentment that I hadn't told her when I'd first gotten in contact with my bmom and didn't mention it until months after the fact. Frankly, I didn't think it was any of her business. I knew how insecure she was/is. SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 > I'm sure it was made out of resentment that I hadn't told her when I'd > first gotten in contact with my bmom and didn't mention it until months > after the fact. Frankly, I didn't think it was any of her business. I > knew how insecure she was/is. didn't that make her more insecure, though? How could it not be her business, she's your mother... >> I'm sure it was made out of resentment that I hadn't told her when I'd >> first gotten in contact with my bmom and didn't mention it until months >> after the fact. Frankly, I didn't think it was any of her business. I >> knew how insecure she was/is. > didn't that make her more insecure, though? Who cares if it did or not? Her neuroses are not my problem. How could it not be her > business, she's your mother... Oh, give me a break. I was a f.cking adult, not some underage kid. There have been lots of things in my life that are none of my mother's business. You can't be serious. SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 > Who cares if it did or not? Her neuroses are not my problem. weeell, if she's neurotic about you... maybe a bit.. :-) > Oh, give me a break. I was a f.cking adult, not some underage kid. she doesn't stop being your mother if you're a f.cking adult... :P > You can't be serious. am...very (not about you, about my own..) :-) >> Who cares if it did or not? Her neuroses are not my problem. > > weeell, if she's neurotic about you... maybe a bit.. :-) Well, it's pretty much a moot point now - With her Alzheimer's, I doubt she even remembers the conversation. >> Oh, give me a break. I was a f.cking adult, not some underage kid. > > she doesn't stop being your mother if you're a f.cking adult... :P Whatever - That still doesn't make my entire life her business. I carried on a relationship with my birthmother that my amom never knew about - and never will. Why? Because it doesn't have anything to do with her and is none of her business. >> You can't be serious. > am...very (not about you, about my own..) About your own what? SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 > Whatever - That still doesn't make my entire life her business. I carried > on a relationship with my birthmother that my amom never knew about - and > never will. Why? Because it doesn't have anything to do with her and is > none of her business. I guess you're right ... If you feel that way, it's just the relationship you had. I'm an open kind of person and since I had a different relationship with my own mother, I'm trying to have something also open and aboveboard with my own daughter. She tells me what she does when she wants to and when she'll want to meet her other mother, if she's still alive, I'll help her out. I wouldn't want her to do it on her own or feel she has to sneak around... or wait till she's forty. Also because for sure her other mother's not here in this country, so it'll take quite a bit of money to reach her, if we can. But I don't feel insecure about the woman who phisically carried her, she has another part in her life than me. And that's fine for me, nobody can take her away from me... except me. > About your own what? stuff.. :-) >> Whatever - That still doesn't make my entire life her business. I >> carried on a relationship with my birthmother that my amom never knew [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > wants to and when she'll want to meet her other mother, if she's still > alive, I'll help her out. Well, you and your daughter are very lucky. Obviously, not everyone has that kind of situation - and mine wasn't as bad as some, believe me. I wouldn't want her to do it on her own or feel she has to sneak > around... or wait till she's forty. My waiting until I was 40 didn't have anything to do with my amom. She'd been pushing me for years to do it. However, it had to be MY decision - not hers. I had to do it when I was ready. And, in retrospect, in many ways it was an experience I could have done without. I found my abro's birthmother in less than a minute once finding her name on some adoption papers we came across cleaning out our aparents' house (adad was deceased and amom had sold it and was moving into a townhouse). I provided him with her current address and phone number. He has yet to contact her and that was a little over two years ago. Would I push him to do so? Absolutely not. Why? Because that's HIS business, not mine. Also because for sure her other mother's > not here in this country, so it'll take quite a bit of money to reach > her, if we can. But I don't feel insecure about the woman who phisically > carried her, she has another part in her life than me. And that's fine for > me, nobody can take her away from me... except me. SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 > Well, you and your daughter are very lucky. Obviously, not everyone has > that kind of situation - and mine wasn't as bad as some, believe me. Naa, it's not luck, it's (don't kill me..) ... a "job"... by that I meant it's hard work, as in not chance. Sometimes I hate the things I hear, but life's not butterflies and roses. And it's better to know than not know. How am I going to pick her up if I don't know she's fallen? When i was a kid I used to tell my mother everything, and I mean everything. She hated it, very often. But at least she knew who I was, not some made-up pink and blond picture perfect of something that never existed. I'm sure yours wasn't bad at all, it sounds like you really care about her. It was just a different generation. Adopting a kid was nearly something to hide, can you imagine? I have a really good friend who is now 48 and told me that his father died when he was 11; whne he was 16 he found out he was adopted and never forgave his parents for this, especially his father for going off and dying without ever telling him the truth. Why keep it hidden? Your mother was the one who raised you, who slapped you when you came in too late after the prom (or kept you father from slapping you... my case :-), whose first lipstick you tried on as a teen, who bought you your first tampax. I mean, who will take this away from you? > And, in retrospect, in many ways it was an experience I could have done > without. I can imagine, from what you write, it must have been really tough. But going back, you'd probably do it again, woudn't you? Isn't it better having met her (is it? or doesn't it make any difference, except for the hurting part..). It doesn't really change who you are, I mean if you find you mom and find out she's a bitch or a saint or whatever it doesn't make you that way, does it? > I found my abro's birthmother in less than a minute once finding her name > on some adoption papers we came across cleaning out our aparents' house that's funny (funny weird, not ar-funny..). Here they'd never give you the birth mother's name. There's this major privacy issue. My fried tried to find his birth mother in every way possible, but he was left at an orfanage 48 years ago and his mom asked for non disclosure, so that's that. He'll never know who she was. It eats him a bit... but what are you going to do? You get on with it... >> Well, you and your daughter are very lucky. Obviously, not everyone has >> that kind of situation - and mine wasn't as bad as some, believe me. [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > blond picture perfect of something that never existed. I'm sure yours > wasn't bad at all, it sounds like you really care about her. LOL - Not really. Though I suppose I must, in my own way. And I'm definitely in charge of caring for her at the moment - at least until I can get her into the assisted living facility I picked out for her. It was just a different > generation. Adopting a kid was nearly something to hide, can you imagine? Absolutely. You think all my parents' friends knew I was adopted? Guess again. They didn't hide it, but they didn't advertise the fact either. And over the past 4 years, I have heard of two adoptees that didn't know they were adopted until a parent had passed away and the remaining parent spilled the beans. Sadly, it's a lot more common than you think. I > have a really good friend who is now 48 and told me that his father died > when he was 11; whne he was 16 he found out he was adopted and never > forgave his parents for this, especially his father for going off and > dying without ever telling him the truth. Why keep it hidden? Don't ask me - I wouldn't. But there are a lot of people that have done just that. > Your mother was the one who raised you, who slapped you when you came in > too late after the prom (or kept you father from slapping you... my case > :-), Thank goodness neither one laid a hand on me. My adad threatened to punch me in the face once when I was about 24. I told him that he even tried, I'd have his a.s thrown in jail so fast, his head would spin. > whose first lipstick you tried on as a teen, Actually, no. who bought you your first > tampax. No, that was me. My amom only used pads. > I mean, who will take this away from you? You seem to think that would bother me. >> And, in retrospect, in many ways it was an experience I could have done >> without. > > I can imagine, from what you write, it must have been really tough. But > going back, you'd probably do it again, woudn't you? Knowing that it would turn out to be a horribly painful experience? Absolutely not. Isn't it better having > met her (is it? or doesn't it make any difference, except for the hurting > part..). Is it better? No, not really. > It doesn't really change who you are, I mean if you find you mom and find > out she's a bitch or a saint or whatever it doesn't make you that way, > does it? Of course not. I never implied any such thing. BTW, I'm NOTHING like the woman that raised me - which has often been a real point of conflict. >> I found my abro's birthmother in less than a minute once finding her name >> on some adoption papers we came across cleaning out our aparents' house > > that's funny (funny weird, not ar-funny..). Here they'd never give you the > birth mother's name. Well, my abro's adoption was a private one done back in 1958. The only way it was legal was for his birthmom to physically hand over him to our amom. And her name was right on the papers. There's this major privacy issue. My fried tried to > find his birth mother in every way possible, but he was left at an > orfanage 48 years ago and his mom asked for non disclosure, so that's > that. He'll never know who she was. It eats him a bit... but what are you > going to do? You get on with it... Exactly. It's not for everyone. SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 > LOL - Not really. Though I suppose I must, in my own way. And I'm > definitely in charge of caring for her at the moment - at least until I > can get her into the assisted living facility I picked out for her. well, you're caring for her aren't you. grunting and huffing about it but you're not throwing her in the streets... :-) > Absolutely. You think all my parents' friends knew I was adopted? Guess > again. They didn't hide it, but they didn't advertise the fact either. at least they didn't hide it, it's something. I know 2 people my own age adopted in the 60's who found out from their friends at elementary school! Parents talks, kids hear, kids talk... strange, both these women ended up as drug pushers, one of them served a jail sentence, the parents tried to get her unadopted, and the judge told them no f.cking way. You took her you keep her... God, makes me vomit. > I have heard of two adoptees that didn't know they were adopted until a > parent had passed away and the remaining parent spilled the beans. Sadly, > it's a lot more common than you think. There's this law (they're still working on it, but it's something) and we HAVE to tell our kids they're adopted. They have to know. We have to take all sorts of classes, tests, meetings with psychologists, sociologists and brain docs and learn the right way to tell our kids... Is there a right way? I suppose when you adopt a baby it's harder, when's the right way to do it? It's always know you and nobody else > Don't ask me - I wouldn't. But there are a lot of people that have done > just that. well here I can tell you why. The Latin man who feels less of a man if he's adopting, people will ask him if he's sterile and NATURALLY it'll be the Wife's fault. With these premises who wants to tell? But things have really changed now. Nobody even has kids biologically here any more, so a child is blessing at any moment. > Thank goodness neither one laid a hand on me. lucky you.. :-/ > No, that was me. My amom only used pads. yeah actually by the time my mom got around to buying ME pads I'd been all set for about a year. You're right, THIS I forgot to tell her. I learned pretty fast after that, though :-)) > You seem to think that would bother me. No, I don't really. Not that it would bother you or me for that matter. It's just part of the package, part of who you are. > Is it better? No, not really. > BTW, I'm NOTHING like the woman that raised me - which has often been a > real point of conflict. yes, that doesn't really have too much to do with the adoption business though. I'm nothing like the woman who raised me, my biological mum. But nothing. Physically, emotionally, our taste in anything, the way we think. Nothing. And maybe it's better that way, I'm not so easy to get along with. We don't inherit our personality and we sure don't pick it up at home...8-) >> LOL - Not really. Though I suppose I must, in my own way. And I'm >> definitely in charge of caring for her at the moment - at least until I >> can get her into the assisted living facility I picked out for her. > > well, you're caring for her aren't you. grunting and huffing about it Hardly. Would one normally dance for joy while dealing with an Alzheimer's patient? I doubt it. but > you're not throwing her in the streets... :-) Not.................yet, anyway ;) >> Absolutely. You think all my parents' friends knew I was adopted? Guess >> again. They didn't hide it, but they didn't advertise the fact either. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > get her unadopted, and the judge told them no f.cking way. You took her > you keep her... God, makes me vomit. Sounds lovely. >> I have heard of two adoptees that didn't know they were adopted until a >> parent had passed away and the remaining parent spilled the beans. Sadly, [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > brain docs and learn the right way to tell our kids... Is there a right > way? Personally I think one of the best ways is the way my aparents did it - Let me know I was adopted from the start. I've always known. > I suppose when you adopt a baby it's harder, when's the right way to do > it? See above. > It's always know you and nobody else Um, what? >> Don't ask me - I wouldn't. But there are a lot of people that have done >> just that. > > well here I can tell you why. The Latin man who feels less of a man if > he's adopting, people will ask him if he's sterile and NATURALLY it'll be > the Wife's fault. Um, what? > With these premises who wants to tell? But things have really changed now. > Nobody even has kids biologically here any more, so a child is blessing at > any moment. What the heck are you talking about? Do you live in some strange place where no one is capable of having bio kids? >> Thank goodness neither one laid a hand on me. > [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > No, I don't really. Not that it would bother you or me for that matter. > It's just part of the package, part of who you are. That's what you claim. >> Is it better? No, not really. > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > yes, that doesn't really have too much to do with the adoption business > though. LOL! Oh my, guess again! It has PLENTY to do with it. In the sense, that often aparents think of their adopted child, especially if it's an infant, as a "clean slate", one which they hope to mold into what THEY want. My amom had a very hard time dealing with the fact that neither my abro or myself turned out anything like her. And I had to deal with her issues over this. I felt guilty for quite some time that I didn't turn out the way she wanted. And then one day, I said "f.ck it. If she doesn't like me the way I am, she can kiss my a.s." I'm nothing like the woman who raised me, my biological mum. But > nothing. Physically, emotionally, our taste in anything, the way we think. > Nothing. And maybe it's better that way, I'm not so easy to get along > with. Really? I never would have guessed. > We don't inherit our personality and we sure don't pick it up at > home...8-) Guess again. I have my bio mom's personality. Not everyone does, but I believe you can inherit some personality. SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 > Hardly. Would one normally dance for joy while dealing with an > Alzheimer's patient? I doubt it. no, it's horrible and it scares me to Death just thinking about it. > Personally I think one of the best ways is the way my aparents did it - > Let me know I was adopted from the start. I've always known. Were you adopted as a baby? So how does that work, right from the start when you're there with your baby formula... "here adopted child, have your dindin????" I can't imagine how I'd do it with a baby. Like, HOW and when do youu break the news?? > What the heck are you talking about? Do you live in some strange place > where no one is capable of having bio kids? yup. Italy. There are way more being dying than being born and the only èpeople having babies are practically the illegal immigrants. This is why we have no domestic adoptions to speak of, only international ones. Pretty sad, isn't it. > LOL! Oh my, guess again! It has PLENTY to do with it. In the sense, that > often aparents think of their adopted child, especially if it's an infant, > as a "clean slate", one which they hope to mold into what THEY want. My > amom had a very hard time dealing with the fact that neither my abro or > myself turned out anything like her. Are you sure this isn't ALL parents, not just adoptive parents? Don't most parents have kids, I made him, he's mine, I'll teach him to play soccer, go fishing, law school, take care of me when I'm old.... huhuh? he wants to be a street artist? he's gayyyy??? This is what they do. I even think that it may happen less with adoptive kids if they're adopted when they're a bit older just because you KNOW they have a history behind them, they've seen other people, done other stuff. God, my daughter was speaking 2 languages and smart mothing me, with her own strong personality. It's probably different if it's a baby...? But then because it's easier to "pretend" that it's adopted. Make sense?? :-) > Guess again. I have my bio mom's personality. yeah but how do you know it's not just chance, maybe it has nothing to do with inheritance. I don't believe that a child of a murderer will turn into one. Hope not anyway... :-/ >> Hardly. Would one normally dance for joy while dealing with an >> Alzheimer's patient? I doubt it. > > no, it's horrible and it scares me to Death just thinking about it. Really? I'm actually dealing with it a lot better than I was, especially after reading a book that a special little angel sent me called "The 36 Hour Day". It's proved to be invaluable. It is very sad to watch some one deteriorate like this. I remember all too well when it happened to my amom's father. >> Personally I think one of the best ways is the way my aparents did it - >> Let me know I was adopted from the start. I've always known. > > Were you adopted as a baby? Yeppers - Was 4 days old right out of the hospital when I went home with my aparents. So how does that work, right from the start when > you're there with your baby formula... "here adopted child, have your > dindin????" Um, ha, ha. I don't think that's quite how they put it <cough> Not to mention that my "formula" back then consisted of cow's milk sweetened with Karo syrup - I kid you not. I can't imagine how I'd do it with a baby. Like, HOW and when do > youu break the news?? I don't know - I was too young to remember. I don't remember when they told me - just that I always knew. I'd ask my amom, but under the circumstances, I don't think she'd remember either. >> What the heck are you talking about? Do you live in some strange place >> where no one is capable of having bio kids? > > yup. Italy. Ah! That explains it. There are way more being dying than being born and the only > èpeople having babies are practically the illegal immigrants. This is why > we have no domestic adoptions to speak of, only international ones. Pretty > sad, isn't it. Hey, don't ask me. I got a bio kid. >> LOL! Oh my, guess again! It has PLENTY to do with it. In the sense, >> that often aparents think of their adopted child, especially if it's an [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Are you sure this isn't ALL parents, not just adoptive parents? It could be. I didn't say that it wasn't only adoptive parents. I'm really only referring to my and my abro's situation here. It's different for everyone. Of course, I've heard of the same thing happening in bio families as well. Don't most > parents have kids, I made him, he's mine, I'll teach him to play soccer, > go fishing, law school, take care of me when I'm old.... huhuh? he wants > to be a street artist? he's gayyyy??? I honestly have no idea what "most parents" do. My husband and I have always stressed to our daughter that she has to be true to herself. > This is what they do. I even think that it may happen less with adoptive > kids if they're adopted when they're a bit older just because you KNOW > they have a history behind them, they've seen other people, done other > stuff. I suppose so. > God, my daughter was speaking 2 languages and smart mothing me, with her > own strong personality. It's probably different if it's a baby...? But > then because it's easier to "pretend" that it's adopted. Make sense?? :-) Sorry, but no. I don't get this "pretend" stuff. >> Guess again. I have my bio mom's personality. > > yeah but how do you know it's not just chance, maybe it has nothing to do > with inheritance. I don't know. It's just my own opinion. I just remember when I got my non-ID info from the adoption agency, when I got to the part where they described my bmom's personality, it was as if I was reading about myself. I felt SO relieved. This meant I didn't have to feel guilty anymore about not being the way my amom wanted me to be, because (in MY situation, anyway), I didn't have a choice. I was born the way I was and I could just accept it. And believe me, there's nothing bad about me that my amom didn't like. She just wanted a sweet, demure, polite little Stepford wife with long hair (because men like it!), who wore pastel colors, got married young, gave her a bunch of grandchildren, and lived the life of an adoring housewife. Instead, she ended up with a punk-haired wiseass with a sarcastic sense of humor, who wears mainly black, didn't get married until age 34, sports several tattoos and numerous ear piercings, had only one kid and is a working mom. Oh well ;) I don't believe that a child of a murderer will turn into > one. Hope not anyway... Hey, you never know ;) SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 > It is very sad to watch some one deteriorate like this. I remember all > too well when it happened to my amom's father. that's what scares me. When it happened to my grandmother I was pretty young but it shocked me to the core. It's like you're seeing them but they're really not there any more. My parents are 80 and sharper now than they were before and I just can't imagine seeing them go like that. Did your mom go gradually or was it all at once like my grandmother? > Um, ha, ha. I don't think that's quite how they put it <cough> No way!.... Way??? Well, you SAID from the start! :-)) > Not to mention that my "formula" back then consisted of cow's milk > sweetened with Karo syrup - I kid you not. Karo huh? and you still remember it, eh?? :-)) > Hey, don't ask me. I got a bio kid. haha! you kill me the way you talk about bkids, akids, amoms, bmoms, abros... they sound like soccer division teams... > Sorry, but no. I don't get this "pretend" stuff. Some couple adopt just because they can't physically have their own child and turn the adopted kid into a surrogate of the one they couldn't have. And they "know" the kid way before he arrives, all he has to do is turn into the make-believe one- Sound weird? ('cause it IS weird, I think it's pretty creepy!) but it happens a lot. There's this colleague of mine, 46, his wife 46 as well. They tried everything under the sun to have the baby biologically. Everything failed, so they didn't go about it the normal hard way, tests and judges and psychologists. They are in Romania as we write, choosing a little girl to order (we can't legally adopt in Romania, it's closed to us): she has to have green eyes, light brown hair, born in January (can't fugure out why, maybe because the sales are on and birthday prezzies are cheaper). I feel sorry for the kid, and am kind of hoping they'll be stopped. > And believe me, there's nothing bad about me that my amom didn't like. She > just wanted a sweet, demure, polite little Stepford wife with long hair > (because men like it!), who wore pastel colors, got married young, gave > her a bunch of grandchildren, and lived the life of an adoring housewife. haha! but we must be sisters!! or my mom's YOU mom's twin sister! I turned out nasty, loud, rude, with long hair (but big curly and tangled the way moms hate :-) who wears bright reds and purples and orange, 3 tattoos, got married past 30, no biological children (but to us there is no difference in the world dear, none at all... uhm...), and work 14 hours a day (and go to a seamstress to get a button sewed on... can do sh.t around the house... > I don't believe that a child of a murderer will turn into >> one. Hope not anyway... > > Hey, you never know ;) yeah well, I'll probably deserve it anyway when it happens, who knows?? :-)) >> Hardly. Would one normally dance for joy while dealing with an >> Alzheimer's patient? I doubt it. [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > dindin????" I can't imagine how I'd do it with a baby. Like, HOW and when > do youu break the news?? Butting in here. I have an open adoption, and my daughter was nearly four years old when she came to me, so this isn't my own experience, but I would imagine it would go something like this: It isn't hard to just tell the truth. When you look at pictures together, you tell the story of when you were united with your child. You make references to "your birthmother". Then it becomes something they just grow up with, like "Aunt Sally" or "Cousin Marie". At some point, just as they ask "how is she my aunt", they will ask about the birthmother, and then you can explain it more fully. All my friends who have adopted have open adoptions, however. I would suspect that this issue doesn't come up as regularly now as in the past. Sheila Sheila > All my friends who have adopted have open adoptions, however. I would > suspect that this issue doesn't come up as regularly now as in the past. Hi Sheila, how does the open adoption work? You're right, I guess since you must do it... you do it! But it can't be as easy as you say. "look at pictures together"... But by the time you're doing that, they're not so teeny any more. Isn't it late? :-) >> All my friends who have adopted have open adoptions, however. I would >> suspect that this issue doesn't come up as regularly now as in the past. >> > Hi Sheila, how does the open adoption work? It works fine. My daughter knows her birthmother, spends time with her, doesn't have to wonder or speculate. You're right, I guess since you > must do it... you do it! But it can't be as easy as you say. "look at > pictures together"... But by the time you're doing that, they're not so > teeny any more. Isn't it late? > :-) No, oot really. Look at this this way, when did you "learn" your name? Or that your grandparents were your grandparents? You can't remember, right? If it just is a part of the child's knowledge and life, then they grow up with the knowledge. Sheila > It works fine. My daughter knows her birthmother, spends time with her, > doesn't have to wonder or speculate. That's not bad. But it couldn't happen here, as far as I can see. We have very few domestic adoptions, and kids who are put up for adoption are always abandoned or taken forcibly away from violent families (so must never see them again). Or else in an international adoption, our kids have no family at all, little possibility of knowing the mother from the start (unless they go looking for her later on). Your way sounds a bit less rocky. >> It works fine. My daughter knows her birthmother, spends time with her, >> doesn't have to wonder or speculate. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > always abandoned or taken forcibly away from violent families (so must > never see them again). Well, I think that, in general, kids are better off knowing the circumstances, and, if at all possible, having some contact with their birthparents. Or else in an international adoption, our kids have no family > at all, little possibility of knowing the mother from the start (unless > they go looking for her later on). Your way sounds a bit less rocky. There are people who are in contact with biological parents in other countries --- Julia is one example. Of course, it can't/doesn't always happen, but, it is good when it can. Sheila > > <rkb...@pacific.net.sg> ha scritto nel messaggio > >news:1186940321.289502.212750@z24g2000prh.googlegroups.com... [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > BAAWA Knight! > #1557 Oh good Gawd...... So sorry this happened to you, Robyn. Kathy >> > <rkb...@pacific.net.sg> ha scritto nel messaggio >> >news:1186940321.289502.212750@z24g2000prh.googlegroups.com... [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > > Oh good Gawd...... So sorry this happened to you, Robyn. Aw, it's okay. That was six years ago and I'm over it. Still pissed off about my bmom deciding to never write back again, but I'll get over that too. Life's too short to stew over crap like this. SignatureRobyn Resident Witchypoo BAAWA Knight! #1557 |
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