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Family Forum / Parenting / Adoption / February 2008Hello
Hello. I'm kind of new here. Been lurking for a while, but this is actually my 1st post. Here's the situation. I was born in 1971, and my adoptive parents got me in 1973, when i was 2 1/2 yo. As far as i can remember, they never hided the fact that i was adopted. Recently, after the birth of my daughter in may 2007 that is, i did some research to know what my background actually was. I received some papers from the government, about my birth parents and family. I know now that my b-mom did make some research to find me in 1991. I did send back the papers saying i do want to make some research and eventually, meet her. The agent told me it could take anywhere from 12 to 15 months. Now i know it's very personal for everyone, and bodody ever react the same. But i just have a couple of questions. Should i bring my daughter when i go meet my b-mom ? What about my adoptive parents ??? My dad encouraged me to make some research, even if it was only for the sake of my daughter. but how should i go about it with them if i do find my b-mom back ? should i involve them ? They are everything to me. They did raise me, gave me everything. I could never consider calling someone else mom or dad. Anyways. i know i'll have to figure this out by myself, but i'm just curious as to how people that went trough similar experiences handled it. Wildshadow On Feb 14, 3:38 pm, v...@sisca.ca wrote: > Hello. I'm kind of new here. Been lurking for a while, but this is > actually my 1st post. [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > > Wildshadow See if you can find some literature on the subject of preparing for reunion. Also, look into possibly finding a support group in your area for people going into reunion. > Hello. I'm kind of new here. Been lurking for a while, but this is > actually my 1st post. [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > > Wildshadow We have some excellent people on this forum who I hope will respond to your questions. Best of luck. (the)duckster > Hello. I'm kind of new here. Been lurking for a while, but this is > actually my 1st post. [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > same. But i just have a couple of questions. Should i bring my > daughter when i go meet my b-mom ? That's kind of a maybe yes maybe no imo. Caring for a young one might be distracting. That's either a good thing or a not so good thing depending on what it is you are looking for in that first visit. > What about my adoptive parents ??? My gut instinct is no. Even though they have been supportive there are just so many emotions that are swirling that to add theirs and your feelings about their reactions to the mix could be overhwhelming. Hopefully you will have an ongoing relationship and there will be plenty of time to introduce the whole family. Just my .02 :) Kathy 1 Adoptee - reunited 11 years > <v...@sisca.ca> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Caveat: I'm neither adopted or a b-parent, so my only claim to comment is ... 14 years??? on this newsgroup, where we've seen lots of reunions. (You could google for them.) My suggestions, FWIW: 1. Don't take your a-pars to the first meeting. Also don't take your daughter unless you think you want the distraction. 2. Plan the first meeting for a place where you can have something to do, as well as a place to just sit and talk if you want. A zoo. A park with a nice not-too-busy cafe. 3. Take some photographs, but not necessarily a whole time-series for the first time. Some b-moms have said they found it a bit overwhelming to see photo-evidence of a life they missed seeing. Maybe snaps of the people in your life. 4. Take a camera. 5. Tell your a-pars about it. Even though they're supportive of your search, it's still an emotional moment for them. Kind of like when your kid gets married and establishes familial loyalties that are outside the childhood family. If you tell them nothing, they'll be hurt. Of course you don't need to share more than feels right. 6. Don't go in with any expectations. This is a weird thing to say, but we've seen every kind of reunion here. Ones that were great, where people connected and after the "Honeymoon period" settled into a nice warm relationship. Others where the honeymoon ended abruptly and disastrously. Some that started well and ended badly, others that started cool and got better. Good luck and hope things go wonderfully well for you. On Feb 14, 1:38 pm, v...@sisca.ca wrote: > Hello. I'm kind of new here. Been lurking for a while, but this is > actually my 1st post. [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > > Wildshadow Hi I am a bmom and when i met my bdaughters for the first time it was very emotional so i would suggest that you just go with the feel of it all and see how your bmom feels about meeting your child at the same time that she meets you and it also depends on how old the child is. So be cautious of it ok. If the child is really young it could be emotionally good or damaging depending on the emotional level that is there at the time. When i met my daughters it was up to them as to who all came i left it up to them cause i didnt want them to be to uncomfortabel meetign me and my mother for the first time so they brought along some moral and friendly support to help out if things got overwhelming which they can ok. Just do me one favor dont expect anything from her and she shouldnt expect anything from you. I know you wnat answers but all those answers come in time ok be patient and you will see. As for me and my bdaughters we do speak and all and everything is still fairly new with us also. Just take it slow and dont push ok. Also you never said if you have spoke with her or not and you also never said as to if she still wanted to meet you. One last thing before i close remember to ask questions but be open to the answers ok. And know its ok to be nervous and scared some. At the last minute when i went to see my bdaughters for the first time i almost changed my mind but went through with it and i am so glad i did. Just dont close the door for one really truely never knows the reasons why parents cant or dont raise their children but sometimes adoption is best ok. Just remember there are others who know how you feel and yes every situation is different ok so im not saying yours will be like mine but jsut make the best of it ok dont judge and hope your meeting is a good one. good luck and keep us posted on how it goes. and i hope i have said something to help you oh and if you dont take your child take pictures with you to show you bmom ok im sure she would appreciate it and if for some reason she dont show as some do DONT GIVE UP HOPE OK!!!! good luck |
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