Family Forum / Parenting / Adoption / April 2008

My birthdaughter turned 18 today.
    It was a semi-open adoption, open in that I would receive updates
and pics throughout her life.  When she was about 4, I wrote to her
with some pictures, and her parents seemed agreeable (the letters were
thru the agency, so I wrote to her every year after that.
   When she was about 9, I included a silly quiz with my letter...
just stuff like 'favorite color, favorite animal.. do you like winter
or spring better', etc..   Her parents wrote back that I was confusing
her and causing her stress by asking questions, and that it seemed
like I was trying to become intimate.  So from then on, I scaled my
letters way back.  It was hard to write to her after that, because I
wanted to be so careful and not step on toes.
   Anyway, she and I connected on MySpace, the summer when she was
16.  She was gung-ho with wanting to connect.  Her parents weren't
happy, but they said ok.  Her mom warned me about my birthdaughter's
manic-depression, and asked me to scale my responses way back, and
keep the communication to a minimum.  And yet, my b-daughter was
filled with questions and lively chat.  I tried to find a hapy medium,
torn between the a-mom's wishes and my b-daughter's overtures and
openness.  She wanted to meet me, but I could tell her parents didn't
want that.
      They hired a mental health professional to mediate a meeting
last summer when their family was out my way.  We met, and it was so
much better than we thought it would be.  My b-daughter and I had
predicted alot of awkwardness, but our meeting was relaxed.  She
expressed aggravation about her mom's worries, and wanted to keep the
mom out of the meeting altogether.  But as we spent time together, I
persuaded her to my belief: that if her parents could be part of it,
they would be able to see how 'ok' it was, and relax.  So her parents
joined us for the last part of our meeting.
        The dad was relaxed, but the mom was tense all through the
time we spent.  And my b-daughter got tense, too.
         It just seems like her mom is not supportive of a
relationship developing between me and my b-daughter.  I backed away
for all those years, but now my b-daughter is making overtures and she
WANTS me to be in her life.  And I want that, too.
          Today is her 18th birthday.  I called her house to wish her
a good one... it was the first time I contacted her by phone.  But
actually not, because she wasn't home. Her little brother answered,
and the mom picked up the other line and said 'Hang up!' to her son.
Then she politely rushed me off the phone....yup, yup, BYE!
        The mom sent me emails, asking me not to tell her daughter
that she was emailing me... warning me about my b-daughter over-
dramatizing things.
         I'm feeling sick of this lady.  To be fair, she's probably
sick of me, too.
         I sent her chocolate at Christmastime, and I have always
'sucked up' as a non-person until recently.  My b-daughter wants me in
her life, and I hate how her mother is cold toward that idea.