Non response from Bmom

Thread view:

Enable EMail Alerts

Start New Thread

Thread rating:

Robibnikoff - 20 Sep 2009 09:52 GMT

Can't remember if I posted anything on this already - Anyway, as I posted a
while back, my amom passed away last month at the age of 82. I emailed my
bmom that morning, telling her. I'd emailed her a week or so before that to
tell her that my amom was in hospice care and not expected to last long -
I'd received a response to that email and she'd written how she'd noticed
her aging parents were getting worse as well.

I have yet to receive a response to my email informing her my amom had
passed. I don't know if she just didn't know how to deal with it or she was
afraid that I was now expecting her to step up to the plate and be "mommy"
(which couldn't be further from the truth). I'm 48 years old - I don't need
a mother anymore at this point. At any rate, I feel like giving her a big
f.ck YOU and stopping communication - not that there's been that much to
begin with. Thoughts?

Signature

Robyn
Resident Witchypoo
BAAWA
#1557

Reply to this Message

kippa - 20 Sep 2009 13:54 GMT

> Can't remember if I posted anything on this already - Anyway, as I posted a
> while back, my amom passed away last month at the age of 82. I emailed my
[quoted text clipped - 10 lines]
> f.ck YOU and stopping communication - not that there's been that much to
> begin with. Thoughts?

I'm truly sorry to hear this, Robyn.
I find it very strange that she hasn't replied. Is it at all possible
that she didn't get to read the email? Or that something serious has
intervened?
I can't imagine her "not being able to deal with it", or thinking you
wanted her to play "mommy". Anyway, neither would be an acceptable
reason for not getting back to you.
She knows you've been through a lot, and if she is aware that your a-
mom is dead, and hasn't replied when she could have, it is
unbelievably hurtful and disgusting.
Still, I suggest you try and find out what's up before deciding
whether to cut her off completely.

Sending good vibes,

Kippa

> Robyn
> Resident Witchypoo
> BAAWA
> #1557

Reply to this Message

Bianca - 20 Sep 2009 14:38 GMT

> I have yet to receive a response to my email informing her my amom had
> passed. I don't know if she just didn't know how to deal with it or she
[quoted text clipped - 3 lines]
> her a big f.ck YOU and stopping communication - not that there's been that
> much to begin with. Thoughts?

Robyn, I'm sorry, truly sorry about your mom (a or b, whatever, she was your
mom). I've been away for a while and didn't know. You know, I noticed that
often people have a hard time dealing with sorrow, they just tend to
disappear and pretend it's not there. It's easy to congratulate you for a
birth, a wedding, a graduation...but an illness? A death? They disappear
like rats. It's a weakness a LOT of people have. It doesn't really mean she
doesn't care about you (just that she's a bit superficial...), just that she
has a hard time dealing with it. I wouldn't look for too much there, you
have your own family. Call her in a while, and talk to her. I would. She's
probably afraid of you "needing her"... (need also scares people...sh.t...),
so show her you get along fine.
Take care, Robyn.

Reply to this Message

rkb - 21 Sep 2009 05:55 GMT

> > passed. I don't know if she just didn't know how to deal with it or she
> > was afraid that I was now expecting her to step up to the plate and be
[quoted text clipped - 16 lines]
> so show her you get along fine.
> Take care, Robyn.

You know, I was thinking the same thing. I'm guilty of something
similar. An uncle I was very fond of died some months ago. I've been
meaning to call my aunt. I don't know what to say or how to say it.
We're not close enough (in geography or in frequency of contact) to
hug and console; we're not distant enough that I can say the things I
would say even to friends. So I keep thinking I'll call tomorrow.
Maybe that's how your birthmother feels, too.

Maybe I'll call tonight.

Reply to this Message

Robibnikoff - 21 Sep 2009 12:06 GMT

>> receive a response to my email informing her my amom had
>> > passed. I don't know if she just didn't know how to deal with it or
[quoted text clipped - 37 lines]
>
> Maybe I'll call tonight.

I dunno. Keeping me at a distance has always been a priority with her. What
better way than to ignore me now? It's a message I've gotten loud and clear
more than once. Maybe I'll email her - and then again, maybe I won't. Will
just play it by ear for now.

Signature

Robyn
Resident Witchypoo
BAAWA
#1557

Reply to this Message

kippa - 21 Sep 2009 12:27 GMT

> > > passed. I don't know if she just didn't know how to deal with it or she
> > > was afraid that I was now expecting her to step up to the plate and be
[quoted text clipped - 26 lines]
>
> Maybe I'll call tonight.

Yes, but did your aunt personally get in touch with you to inform you
of her loss, like Robyn did with her mother?
I think the fact that Robyn has consistently made the effort to keep
her mother informed about her a-mom's health is important.
If Robyn's mother *has* got the message and is in a position to reply
(just as well to find out for sure, of course. There may be good
reasons for delay) I think she has an obligation to respond promptly.
OTOH, if it's simply that she hasn't bothered or is even avoiding -
well, I don't know how many excuses one can make.
But whatev.

Reply to this Message

Royden - 21 Sep 2009 03:11 GMT

Sorry to hear about your adoptive mother.
There could be many reason for your birthmother not to reply, but for
you to say you "feel like giving her a big f.ck YOU and stopping
communication" is certainly not a good attitude. You say that there
hasn't been much communication to begin with, and maybe that is why.

Maybe she is reading this newsgroup and knows how you feel.

Reply to this Message

J. - 21 Sep 2009 04:27 GMT

> Can't remember if I posted anything on this already - Anyway, as I posted a
> while back, my amom passed away last month at the age of 82. �I emailed my
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> BAAWA
> #1557

I lost my own mother recently, Robyn. I learned a week after her
memorial service that my father's cousin and his wife had called my
sister to express their dismay at her passing and having missed the
service. My immediate thought was "WTF, don't you read the paper?"
Well, turns out he doesn't - he's gone blind over the years since I've
seen him. All of which is a long, it's-all-about-me way of saying
that sometimes there are reasons we aren't aware of for people's
actions or inaction. It's probably best to have all the information
before telling your mother to piss off. (Having said that, I still
reserve the right to hold the self-righteous SOB in contempt for
having the gall to ask why my mother didn't have a Roman Catholic
funeral mass.)

J.

Reply to this Message

Family Forum / Parenting / Adoption / September 2009

Non response from Bmom