Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / July 2004

If she never used any form of public assistance, it's unlikely you would be
held responsible for back support.  But it also depends on how far she went in
pursuing support and the state she lives in.  Please see an attorney that
specializes in support issues before you take any action.  And then do whatever
is necessary to see your child.

My brother died last December, never meeting the daughter that was born when he
was 17.  This beautiful child contacted my mother when she turned 18 and wanted
to meet her father so badly.  My brother refused to meet with her because his
wife became hysterical when he told her that.  She had never let him tell their
children about their older sister. It made no sense to us because he had told
her when they started dating that he had a child when he was a teenager.

After my brother died, his wife told us that the one thing she regretted was
not allowing him to see his child.  But of course it's too late.  And he never
met his two granddaughters.  We thought the children he had with his wife
didn't know about this child but their older daughter told us that he told her
when he knew he was terminal.  In January she asked us to arrange a meeting and
they are now best friends!

I know I got off on a tangent here but I want you to realize that you have two
issues here and you need to act on each.  

1.  Protect yourself.  See a competent attorney.  Even if you have to borrow
the money.  

2.  Make contact with your child.  You may have to wait until the child is 18
if the mother takes legal action to prevent this.  But do something now.  My
brother was only forty-three when he was diagnosed with cancer.  Maybe he had
always planned to look for his daughter when his  other children were grown up.
He never got that chance.  

Pattymac  

She could have used "the pill" but nothing similar was available to you.
She could have used a dozen other BC methods, but nothing similar was
available to men.
She could have gotten an abortion, but it's only "a woman's right to
choose."
She and she alone **chose** to bear a child.  Her choice, her
responsibilty.

Yep, her choice, but 15 years later you are still being forced to be
"responsible" for the outcome of her exclusive choice.

Get her address.  You may need to dump the body in a swamp.  Find a good
swamp (bay, abandoned well, mine shaft, pig sty, etc.) just in case.

A DNA test is required before paying $0.10.  If she was f.cking you she
was probably f.cking two or three more that she didn't tell you about.
Meet the kid, and take a DNA sample kit with you -- mouth swab.

Good luck

Bob

I've got a couple of comments that may help you make a decision, but
are drawn upon personal experience rather than legal knowledge.  I
can't tell you that you wouldn't be opening a can of financial worms
and you may want to look into the laws in the child's state of
residence regarding the ordering of back child support once paternity
has been established.  Even then, laws can be misinterpreted and
"bent" depending on the judge's mood.  Given that you knew you had a
child for the past 15 years and never attempted to support it, I can't
say a judge isn't going to nail you to the wall.

That said, it is unclear whether the boy attempted to contact you due
to his desires or his mother's.  I am told (by professionals) that
girls are much more likely to seek out absent parents than boys.  This
was in connection with my locating my biological parents (I am
adopted) whereas a half-brother I have has not... so it may be
different in non-adoptive situations, but another personal experience
of mine "fits the mold" (see further comments).  If contact was due to
the boy's desires, then it would be a pity for you to walk away;
however, Mom may get a "bug up her ***" if she has to share his
affections.  Then again, the status quo may be okay with her.  There
is no way to know until it is too late.  If it is due to the mother's
desires, she may have been fishing for information in order to
initiate a fourth attempt at getting support.  You may know shortly if
this is the case.

My eldest son was born into a similar situation.  His father ordered
me to get an abortion, which I could not fathom doing (I'm not saying
this part is similar, just sharing how it went down).  Instead, I
realized that we could both have what we wanted if I assumed full
responsibility for my son and never asked my son's father to BE one.
It has worked out quite well as my son is now 20 and his father's life
has been affected as THOUGH I had an abortion.  Of course, once my son
was born, a third person's desires entered the equation and, as soon
as my son was old enough to handle the situation as it was, I gave him
all the contact info he would need to contact his father.  He never
did... just didn't care to.  HAD he, I had no intentions of doing
anything differently than I already had.  I made my choice and felt it
was a good one.  Your son's mother may think similarly... but she may
not.

I also have a 15 year old son.  Although he has free reign to contact
his father, I suspect his will would be strong enough to do so even if
forbidden (which it never has been; however, he contacts girls he is
forbidden to contact).  Since there is no restraining order forbidding
you from contacting your son, you may wish to make sure he knows HOW
to contact you IF he desires and then leave it in his hands.  He may
choose to call you without his mother ever knowing.  What your son
truly wants will be made known by his actions.  BE PREPARED, however,
to answer uncomfortable questions such as why you were never part of
his life either physically or financially. His mother may or may not
have used lack of child support as an excuse for denying him and he
may harbor resentment.  I hope not, but it is possible.  He is
probably not old enough to understand the situation as it stood... or
what a single man goes through went presented with the phrase "I am
pregnant and you are the father."  Let's hope he never does.  I know
MY 15-year-old son has never faced anything so dire and has no
experience to draw from in order to understand completely.

I can't tell you that you should feel no guilt, but I can tell you
that you are unable to turn back time.  NOTHING you do today (even if
court-ordered to pay back child support) is going to change what
happened yesterday.  You simply can't change history, so you're going
to have to get past the guilt and live in the present.  You have a
15-year-old son who MAY wish to know you.  Do you want to comply with
that and, if so, are you willing to take anything that comes along
with that?  That is how it stands today.

Good luck... to both you and your son.