Daughter "loses" things, now blames stepmom

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Gary8 - 28 Apr 2007 23:31 GMT

My 15-year-old daughter has been "losing" important things such as
school work, her iPod, books with her notes, etc. ever since my
girlfriend moved in with me. Girlfriend is calm, nice, respectful but
not assertive.

I've been divorced since daughter was three, so we never had an event
to split he emotionally from me, a get her into her proper role as NOT
female head of household (she has been living with me and my ex 50/50,
every other day (divorce was amicable; caring mother that's local).
I've always praised daughter's intelligence, listened to her opinions,
etc. Now maybe I think too much, and it's coming back to bite us.

Now I've caught her in a clear, direct lie. An "important" school
binder (we never saw the contents) "disappeared" close to bedtime. No
one in the house but me, my GF and daughter. Daughter suggested my GF
took it during an "episode" that my GF has from time to time when
under stress, the result of a heart condition. This is extraordinarily
unlikely, as GF can account for every minute of the evening (no
blackout or dizziness, etc.). Besides, it's not her M.O.

Daughter swears up and down she did not hide the binder.
Any advice/similar stories out there?

This has sent us into VERY SERIOUS mode, especially since her mother
is skeptical, and tends to believe her daughter (her baby doesn't lie,
no sir). Need help getting mom on same page so we can help daughter
with united front. Mom is bright, but heavily overworked in high-
pressure job.

Thanks!
Gary

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rebecca - 29 Apr 2007 03:57 GMT

> My 15-year-old daughter has been "losing" important things such as
> school work, her iPod, books with her notes, etc. ever since my
> girlfriend moved in with me. Girlfriend is calm, nice, respectful but
> not assertive.

Girlfriend moved in with "me" or "us" - if it's your daughter's home too,
then your daughter gets to have normal feelings about the sudden addition of
a female role model. And I would suggest it isn't necessarily your
girlfriend's job to be assertive with your daughter. She's not her parent,
you are.

> Now I've caught her in a clear, direct lie. An "important" school
> binder (we never saw the contents) "disappeared" close to bedtime. No
[quoted text clipped - 12 lines]
> with united front. Mom is bright, but heavily overworked in high-
> pressure job.

You're focusing on the wrong problem. Daughter losing things is a symptom
of the issue of the new living arrangements. She's testing, acting out,
whatever, and _you_ are the parent in that house. Did you tell your
daughter you don't believe her? Or did you play investigator and
interrogate your girlfriend and the kid? Have you made it clear to daughter
that keeping track of things is her responsibility? What is your daughter
suggesting you do when things go missing? How is their relationship
otherwise? What role has the girlfriend assumed vis-a-vis parenting/daily
living activities? Do you still spend time one-on-one with your daughter?
What I'm trying to get at is for you to look at the changes in your kid's
life since gf moved in, and _think_ about how she might be feeling about
them.

Counseling is almost always useful in a new stepfamily situation, either for
all of you, or just you or just you and your girlfriend. It's a lot of
change and upheaval and stress for everyone.

rebecca

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Gary8 - 30 Apr 2007 04:37 GMT

> > My 15-year-old daughter has been "losing" important things such as
> > school work, her iPod, books with her notes, etc. ever since my
[quoted text clipped - 42 lines]
>
> rebecca

Rebecca,

I screwed up and "played investigator." I've since gotten some
professional advice,
plus yours and others that tell me my daughter needs help
assimilating.

And you're right, by the way. I was focusing on the wrong problem.

Thanks,
Gary

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rebecca - 30 Apr 2007 20:21 GMT

> Rebecca,
>
[quoted text clipped - 4 lines]
>
> And you're right, by the way. I was focusing on the wrong problem.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are in an amazingly complicated
situation, and it will take you years to feel like you've learned how to do
it right. I've been there a long time and every time I think I'm getting
it, something changes and I have to start all over again...

Good luck,
Rebecca

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Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / April 2007

Daughter "loses" things, now blames stepmom