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Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / January 2005how to deal with interloper?
Long rant first, for those who are interested in the background... I awoke yesterday morning to the wife telling me "I'm filing." Again. This time for real. Long story short, I can't live with someone who is passive aggressive, irresponsible, lies to herself and to me and has no self respect and she can't live with someone who yells when the other person just doesn't listen. The only true loser in this case is our amazing four year old daughter. We have gone for a couple of years without a budget or anything that resembles keeping track of finances, despite filing BK last April, to the point of having the house listed for foreclosure once already. The kind of person who spends until the money is gone, regardless of how much is due to the creditors. At first I asked how we could work together to resolve the crisis. I tried to make deals. Then I begged. Then I yelled, out of frustration and hurt because her actions don't just hurt me, they effect the whole family. She has seen therapists, but none have pushed her to examine or question her destructive behaviors. The stbx says she can do everything without me around, even though she doesn't. The caveat? She's bringing in her uncle to help with all of things she refuses to do. The guy is retired and has no place to live because he is a 50 year old mooch, smells awful, and no one wants him to live with them. The type of person who sleeps a few hours, then watches a few hours of television, eats the leftovers and then goes back to sleep for a few hours more. Effectively, she's getting rid of me and all of the responsibilities that go with having a partner and putting in someone who is not threatening to her oblivious life. He knows he is enabling her destructive behavior as we talked about it as recently as Christmas (his last 3-day visit lasted 6 weeks.) By making it easier to push me out the door, I feel he is also making it easier to ruin the lives of my daughter and myself. It's as if she's asking the stinky new boyfriend to move in while the extremely devoted father is forced to pack his stuff and go. Understandably, I'm furious. Now, the question... How do I deal with this guy, short of physical violence (of which I have contemplated yet discarded since I can't do my daughter any good in prison)? peace to all the others dealing with divorce > Effectively, she's getting rid of me and all of the responsibilities > that go with having a partner and putting in someone who is not [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > boyfriend to move in while the extremely devoted father is forced to > pack his stuff and go. Understandably, I'm furious. First, stop thinking of it as a trade for your maintenance skills. It sounds like the marriage is over so reducing the reason to that of her smelly uncle making it easy for her to live without you is really trivializing it. Your marriage is not her uncle's fault and you won't fix it by forcing her to have you around to share work. Be furious, we all were when the dream fell apart, but realize it is an emotion that isn't helped by looking for reasons outside of the two of you. Affairs happen because there are problems in a relationship, nobody breaks up a happy couple. Those problems may be as simple as one partner having commitment issues, but that is still a problem for the relationship, not that of the free lay. So, get yourself some support for working through this "head " wise. And, most importantly - DON"T LEAVE! Nobody but a judge can force you to "pack up your stuff and go". So what if her uncle can come and do the stuff you would normally do that does mean that you have to leave - NOTHING DOES. Sit down, talk about your daughter and figure out what is best for everyone. If you can;t work it out, then stand up for what you feel is right. "Claim Guy" <porthos_jbNOSPAM@yahoo.com> wrote... | "one foot out the door" <a@b.com> wrote... | > Effectively, she's getting rid of me and all of the responsibilities [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] | trivializing it. Your marriage is not her uncle's fault and you won't | fix it by forcing her to have you around to share work. I agree. What I do not understand is why the OP thinks that he has to accept whatever abuse she dishes out and just take it, as if he has no say in the matter. Does there not come a time when, having not a shred of dignity to your name, you throw in the towel, becuz there is nothing left that can be done? [Rog'] > Does there not come a time when, having not > a shred of dignity to your name, you throw in the towel, becuz there > is nothing left that can be done? [Rog'] There sure is. And interesting enough, that was the time when my true recovery started. kato said > "Roger (B)" <rcblinn-sss-@bellsouth.net> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > There sure is. And interesting enough, that was the time when my true > recovery started. Mine too. Casey Sometimes it feels mighty damn good when you quit banging your head on that brick wall. Denise > kato said >> "Roger (B)" <rcblinn-sss-@bellsouth.net> wrote in message [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > Casey > Long rant first, for those who are interested in the background... > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > other person just doesn't listen. The only true loser in this case is > our amazing four year old daughter. Ok, so it sounds like the marriage is over. (And you might want to ask yourself how healthy an environment it has been for your daughter). If it is over, then the only thing you can do is try to minimize the damage to you and your daughter. It might help if you try thinking in those terms. > We have gone for a couple of years without a budget or anything that > resembles keeping track of finances, despite filing BK last April, to [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > but none have pushed her to examine or question her destructive > behaviors. You should talk to a lawyer about how best to do this, but you should definitely separate your finances as soon as possible. Otherwise you could be responsible for any further debt she incurs, and, well, you just don't want that. If you have any joint credit cards, close them. Open yourself a new checking account that is only in your name. If you have direct deposit payroll, have it routed to your new account. Decide what to do about the house. The last thing you want is for her to stay in it and default on the loan. Perhaps you should sell, or perhaps you should stay in it - a lawyer can give you some advice on what might work best, given your bankruptcy situation. There are more things to consider, of course - but my point is, you should consider them. Also consider custody of your daughter. It probably isn't in her best interests for you to be a weekend dad. If both of you are decent parents, then she probably needs significant time (i.e. "joint physical custody") with both of you. If you move out and leave her with her mother in your current home, then your chances of getting custody are much worse. Talk to your lawyer about this, too. > The stbx says she can do everything without me around, even though she > doesn't. The caveat? She's bringing in her uncle to help with all of [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > How do I deal with this guy, short of physical violence Tell him thank you, I think, because if your marriage is as poor as you reported then you may well be much better off divorced. > Long rant first, for those who are interested in the background... > [quoted text clipped - 41 lines] > > peace to all the others dealing with divorce Is he living in your house all ready? >How do I deal with this guy Don't let him into the house. | >How do I deal with this guy? | Don't let him into the house. LOL. Simple, yet elegant. [R] Do not leave the house. Do not move out. To do so will be seen by the court as abandoning the family and children. Yes, even if you just move into the motel 6 down the street. Do not leave your house, or you will lose it and your daughter to her. Read this ASAP: www.fireyourwife.com I suggest you get a lawyer tomorrow. Enact a plan to get her uncle and her out of the house, but you and your daughter in it. Even for 90 minutes. Then change the locks, get a restraining order and have your lawyer present when she returns. Do not let her in without a lawyer and/or policeman present. Do not let her take your daughter anywhere ever, even to go get some ice cream. To give her custody for 30 minutes is to give her custody for ever. >Long rant first, for those who are interested in the background... > [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] >much is due to the creditors. At first I asked how we could work >together to resolve the crisis. I tried to make deals. Then I begged. Your wife sounds like my ex. Financially irresponsible, totally self-centered, and a legend in her own mind. >Then I yelled, out of frustration and hurt because her actions don't >just hurt me, they effect the whole family. She has seen therapists, >but none have pushed her to examine or question her destructive >behaviors. And they wont! They want her to come back again and again at, say $50 to $100 a pop, so they can say "oh poor dear", and send her on her way - until next time. It is NOT popular or politically correct to point out to a woman that she has problems. Failing all that, the only way a good therapist can help is if your wife agrees that she has a problem AND WANTS to fix it! My ex used to assert "there is nothing wring with me!" all the while suggesting that I was crazy, needed to be committed and medicated - oh and by the way had I signed that power of atorney" for her yet??? <shivers> >The stbx says she can do everything without me around, even though she >doesn't. Yup, sounds all too familiar. :( > The caveat? She's bringing in her uncle to help with all of >things she refuses to do. The guy is retired and has no place to live [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > >peace to all the others dealing with divorce Dude, you are NOT addressing the problem, and have NOT got the real grasp on what is happening here. The marriage is over. Never mind the Uncle, get on with the divorce. I am going to give you a link... http://www.bpdcentral.com/ I want you to go there and do a little reading. This may not apply in your situation. I found this info after my divorce. It was like reading my ex's life story (and mine as the poos schlock that had to put up with her). If it applies, then pay heed. If not, then nothing ventured, nothing gained. In any case, you need to protect yourself and get on with the divorce. And protect your daughter as well! Good luck |
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