Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / March 2005

Verbal Abuse
                                                                by
Kerby Anderson

                             Introduction

                    Almost everyone has heard of, or knows of, someone
who has been verbally
                    abused. Perhaps you are involved in a verbally
abusive relationship. It is also
                    possible that no one even knows your circumstances.
Verbal abuse is a kind
                    of battering which doesn't leave evidence
comparable to the bruises of
                    physical battering. You may be suffering in silence
and isolation.

                    In this article, I want to tackle this very
important issue in an effort to
                    understand this phenomenon and provide answers.
Like any area of human
                    action, it begins in the mind and heart. Proverbs
23:7 says, "For as he thinks
                    within himself, so he is." What a person thinks in
his mind and heart will be
                    reflected in his words and actions.

    Verbal abuse is often more difficult to see since there are rarely
any visible scars
    unless physical abuse has taken place. But it is often less visible
simply because
    the abuse may always take place in private. The victim of verbal
abuse lives in a
    gradually more confusing realm. In public, the victim is with one
person. While in
    private, the abuser may become a completely different person.

    Frequently, the perpetrator of verbal abuse is male and the victim
is female, but
    not always. There are many examples of women who are quite verbally
abusive.
    But for the sake of simplicity of pronouns in this program, I will
identify the
    abuser as male and the victim as female.

    One of the first books to describe verbal abuse in adults was
Patricia Evan's book
    The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{1} She interviewed forty
verbally abused
    women who ranged in age from 21 to 66. Most of the women had left a
verbally
    abusive relationship. We will use some of the characteristics and
categories of
    verbal abuse these women describe in this book.

    Another important book in understanding verbal abuse is one that
describes the
    phenomenon of "crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop!
     You're Driving Me Crazy.{2} They describe what the crazymaking
experience
     feels like. This includes "feeling temporarily thrown off
balance," "feeling lost and
    not knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard."

     A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool
indifference. The
     abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a
"What's wrong with
     you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a
molehill." Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to
wonder if she is the one who is crazy.

    The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for what it is and
to begin to take
    deliberate steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is
usually in denial,  the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse
often rests with the partner.

              Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

                Now I would like to focus on some of the
characteristics of verbal abuse as
                outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3}

                1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the
nature and abilities of the
                partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe
that there is something
                wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel
that she is the problem,
                rather than her partner.

                2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts
and name- calling) or
                covert (involving very subtle comments, even something
that approaches
                brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming
and accusatory, and
                consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal
abuse, which is hidden
                aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its
aim is to control her
                without her knowing.

                3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even
disparaging comments
                 may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned
way. But the goal is to
                 control and manipulate.

                4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem
gradually diminishes,
                usually without her realizing it. She may consciously
or unconsciously try to
                change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

                5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact,
unpredictability is one of the most
                significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The
partner is stunned, shocked,
                thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab,
put-down, or hurtful
                comment.

                6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in
the relationship. When a
                couple is having an argument about a real issue, the
issue can be resolved.
                 In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no
specific conflict. The issue is ,
                 the abuse and this issue is not resolved. There is no
closure.

                7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is
incongruence
                 between the way the abuser speaks and his real
feelings. For example, he
                 may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling
his partner what is
                 wrong with her.

                8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in
intensity, frequency, and
                   variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs
disguised as jokes.
                    Later other forms might surface.

    Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse,
starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

    These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next we will look
at some of the categories of verbal abuse.{4}

                Categories of Verbal Abuse

        1. Withholding. A marriage requires intimacy and intimacy
requires empathy. If one partner    withholds information and feelings,
then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his
partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated.

           2. Countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal
abuser
               who sees his partner as an adversary.

        He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says
and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a
different view!"

                   Countering is very destructive to a relationship
because it prevents the partner
                   from knowing what her mate thinks about anything.
Sometimes the verbal
                   abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence
before she can finish her thought.

        In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.

                3. A third category of verbal abuse is discounting.
This is like taking a one
                      hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one
cent.

        Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner
and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal
abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of
the abuse.

                4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes. Although his
comments may
                    masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the
quick. The verbal jabs may be
                    delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all
have the same effect of
                    diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.

                5. Blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses
                    to communicate, establishes what can be discussed,
or withholds information.
                   He can prevent any possibility of resolving
conflicts by blocking and diverting.

                6. Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal
abuser will accuse his partner of
                    some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic
agreement of the relationship.
                   This has the effect of diverting the conversation
and putting the other partner
                   on the defensive.

               7. Judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge
his partner,
                   and then express his judgment in a critical way. If
she objects, he may
                   tell her that he is just pointing something out to
be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of .
                   acceptance of her

    These are just a few of the categories of verbal abuse. Next we
will look at a number of other forms of verbal abuse.

                    Other Forms of Verbal Abuse

        Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an
attempt to take something  said or done and make it insignificant. When
this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to
detect. Often the partner becomes confused, believes she hasn't
effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her.

                Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only
withholds emotional
                support, but also erodes confidence and determination.
The abuser often will
                squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.

                Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He
manipulates his partner by
                bringing up her biggest fears. This may include
threatening to leave or
                threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat
may be to escalate the
                abuse.

                Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually
calling someone "stupid"
                because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her
a "klutz" because she is not
                as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the
partner's self esteem.

                Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may
involve both overt and covert
                manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to
time, but the verbal abuser
                consistently does so. After the partner collects
herself, subsequent to being
                yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that
he has "forgotten" about
                the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about
the promises they have
                made which are most important to their partners.

                Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It
denies the equality and
                autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders
instead of asking, he
                treats her like a slave or subordinate.

        Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms
of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious
because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser
could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.

        That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize
these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in
denial. Thus, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse and doing
something about it often rests with the partner.

I include the following for those who may be interested. It came with
the original article and I include it as the author so intended. Ignore
if this bothers you.

                http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/verbalabuse.html
and more links:
http://a9.com/%22recognizing%20verbal%20abuse%22