Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / May 2005

You might want to talk to you lawyer - get a mod to your decree.  My
ex and I had a clause where neither one of us can have a member of the
opposite sex stay overnight...partially due to the fact that our kids
are very young.

Not a cool sitch'...  it can be very damaging to the kids.

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In a cold world you need your friends to keep you warm.

No, I have no personal knowledge of anyone sleeping with your ex, cause I
don't know, or care, who the hell any of you are.

What do you expect us to say?

Learn to live with this or go nuts.

Pretty much everyone who is divorced with kids has to face up to another
parental figure becoming involved in their children's lives. You won't be
any different.You can resent it all you like, but so what? You are the one
who will get eaten up from the inside.

And just because you can't stand him doesn't mean that another woman won't
think he is the most wonderful man on earth. I bet he is saying some pretty
nasty stuff about you and you probably think you are just fine and worthy of
love.

So do you plan on having just one more relationship for the rest of your
life? Straight from this one to another lifelong commitment?

Your pain and anger is driving your thought processes. It's normal, but you
have to realize it is happening in order to be able to work through it.

How long have you been apart?

Do said

I'd be more concerned about the g/f if she were mistreating the kids
or behaving poorly in front of them.   It would be awful if he were
bringing home a different woman every night.  Having a steady g/f
that quietly spends the night sometimes isn't the end of the world.

Not much you can do about it ... after all, it is his life.

Casey

Hi Do,

My STBX, who did her homework very well before making what _I_ consider
a horrible decision, said that after we get over the inital breakup, we
will still have to go through hell at least twice more: once for the
actual divorce, and once when the ex gets a SO in their life.

Of course, having a stream of GFs through his life, all involved in the
kids life, is not going to be the best for them. However, morally, I
would not call what your ex is doing RIGHT NOW "mistreating" the kids,
and I guess a court won't see it that way, either. I can understand
your resentment, but my advice would be to keep it to yourself. If
you're anything like me, you'll feel A LOT of resentment about A LOT of
things, but you have to keep a handle on your emotions and concentrate
on pragmatically doing the best for your kids.

What's the saying about god giving me the strength to change the things
that I can, to ability to let go of the things that I can't change, and
the wisdom to tell the difference? I think this is one of those "let it
go" type of cases.

Good luck, Do, and I hope I can listen to my own advice when my ex has
someone staying over night with her ;->   Hmmm, just typing that really
got my emotions going!!!!

Ed

Both my ex and I had the morality clause in our divorce agreement
(neither he nor I could have someone over night while the kids were
present).  So far, no problems.  He has a gf but I'm bf-free and liking
it alot.  Anyway, we both feel like we should make appearances in front
of the kids even if we do other things while they are away.

So, unless you have such an agreement, there's really not much you can
do.  Just don't quiz your kids over it and put them on the spot.  My
$0.02 worth.

My son was 14 when we divorced, and a mere 4 months after it was final,
my ex started dating a 14-year younger woman who used to babysit our
son when she was a teenager. When he informed me some 6 months later
that they intended to marry another 10 months from that, he agreed with
my request that she not sleep in the house when our son was there. He
gave his word.

About 10 weeks before the wedding, the woman's mother sold the house
that they had been sharing. My ex approached me with the "only"
solution to her lack of housing, that she move in with him and our son.
Into the house I still legally co-owned. I, of course, reminded him of
his promise, suggested more than 1/2 a dozen alternatives to her living
in the house in front of our son, including our son moving in with me
for the 10 weeks.

I was rather vehement about my opinion on the subject, and after I had
been so, I found out from our son that she had already been spending
the night on occasion for about 2 weeks anyway. So I was trying to shut
the barn door after the horse had gotten out, and made a big deal about
something that had already happened.

Which is how my son viewed it. He even wrote us both a letter stating
his opinion that he didn't see what the big deal was and he didn't
really want to never sleep at his dad's house for the next 10 weeks.
Had I known that it had already happened, I wouldn't have made such a
big deal about it. I ended up having to "give in" for my son's sake.

The truth is, you don't really have any control over your ex's behavior
any more than you want to let your ex have control over your behavior.
You can try to negotiate more time at your place with the kids by
"offering" to keep them when your ex has his gf over, as a favor if you
will, to give them privacy and time to themselves. It certainly might
work better than getting bent out of shape than getting pissy about the
moral issue or expressing your resentment.

And, as far as your resentment of this woman mothering your children, I
think you should be grateful that she is interested and willing to
mother them and not ignore them or treat them worse than pets. The more
people who love our children and take care of them and look after them,
the better off they are, not worse.

As my son is pretty much already raised and has a perfectly competent
mother, and his stepmother is only 15 years older than he is and hardly
in a position to be much more than a "big sister" (which is how my son
had thought of her since he was very small), I don't really have to
worry about the issues you do. And, my ex did marry this girl, so there
aren't revolving gfs to worry about.

You could try to have the decree altered to include a clause about SO
sleepovers, but it would probably only make things worse between you
and your ex. Which really isn't good for the kids, trust me on that
one. Even with older kids.

I certainly wouldn't try the "kids have to stay with me when the gf is
spending the night" route, I can guarantee you from experience, it
doesn't work. Good luck! -- Barbara Sz.

On Tue, 24 May 2005 20:13:48 -0400 in article <waednWKjD9qjXg7fRVn-
pg@comcast.com>, doglasser@comcast.net spoke thusly...

Many people say that having a GF stay over while the kids are there is really
bad form. In some states (Michigan) if a bg/gf moves in to the house, then
the parent who got the house must pay the other parent his share of the
equity. Psychologists say it's hard for the kids (especially younger ones) to
meet these people, thinking they will be a new step-parent, only to have them
gone after 3-6 months.

Dr. Laura says a bf/gf should not even meet the kids until they are engaged
to the parent.

Let me give you my experience as a kid of divorced parents. Parents divorced
when I was 5. I didn't mind meeting her new boyfriends (which started within
a year). But it was hard to see them go if she had been dating them for 3
years, and they broke up. Because by then I had gotten to know them and I had
fun with them. This happened about 3 times, when mom would date someone for 3
or more years, then break up. The break up was harder for me each time, and I
eventually learned that no relationship is permanent.