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Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / August 2005Yep - she had been text msging
As many of you suspected and I confirmed last night, my wife is having an affair. She was 3 weeks ago by definition a walkaway wife. After saying she no longer loved me she then proceded to get involved with someone. I suspected it and finally got a hold of her phone and read all the text messages. The feeling I got from this is so very painful it is beyond words. We have 3 little children and are up to our eyes in debt. There is so much that will be changing that I am having trouble just keeping focused in the moment. I am so full of fear and uncertainty. There is no hope now. She wants a dissolution. Although in the back of my mind I want a divorce and want some hotshot lawyer to clean her out. But regardless, the kids still depend on us settling things amicably. From your experience how do you cope especially when it hurts so bad? How do you stay focused on the kids and not think of crazy stuff introduced by the affair like, you know all the mental images and deceit that is involved? How do you avoid being hurt and angry and instead stay the course to end things right for the kids? I work close to home and when I went home for lunch I collapsed in a heap of tears and dry heaves. My wife came to me and tried to comfort me saying that we will get through this together. It will be so hard to stay focused on that when I am so hurt. XTC86 said > I suspected it and finally got a hold of her phone > and read all the text messages. The feeling I got > from this is so very painful it is beyond words. Yeah, it sucks big time. It's an unbelievably awful feeling. You can work through it though - as bad as it seems now, you'll look back in a year or so and it will look very different to you than it does now. > I am so full of fear and uncertainty. Of course you are. Some of the uncertainty will slowly fade away as things progress and that will ease some of the fear. > From your experience how do you cope especially when > it hurts so bad? How do you stay focused on the kids > and not think of crazy stuff introduced by the affair > like, you know all the mental images and deceit that is > involved? I'm afraid there is no magic solution. Focus on accomplishing small things and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I could say that you should try not to think about the affair - but I'd be full of crap because that's just not possible. > I work close to home and when I went home for lunch I > collapsed in a heap of tears and dry heaves. My wife > came to me and tried to comfort me saying that we will > get through this together. She can say that, but the object of this is to *not* come out of this together. You have to realize that she is no longer the friend she'd like to appear to be. A good friend would not have done to you what she did to you (to paraphrase Roger). It sounds bad, but you have a window of opportunity to work out a fair settlement while she still feels guilty. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. > It will be so hard to stay focused on that when I am so hurt. Make sure you look out for yourself. She is not doing that anymore. Casey > I suspected it and finally got a hold of her phone > > and read all the text messages. The feeling I got > > from this is so very painful it is beyond words. > > Yeah, it sucks big time. It's an unbelievably awful feeling. the pain really can't be described....apart from the reality of the years of trickery/concealment, there's the raw pain of betrayal. This probably won't help, but I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be the wife of the BTK killer, Mr. Church man and pillar of community who has confessed to such heinous crimes, and his wife by all accounts had NO CLUE during the decades he was murdering people...how in the world she will cope, I just cannot fathom. and his kids....oh my.....anyway, I wish I could offer you a quick fix, but there really is none....you simply have to accept that pain will be your companion for a lot of the time in the near future, but there WILL be slivers of respite, and there IS survival...others have made it so you can also. hang in there. Thanks for understanding. I will never forget that feeling in my body as I read those messages. Now I'm in a defensive shut down mode about it. I try not to think about it becasue it is too painful > > I suspected it and finally got a hold of her phone > > > and read all the text messages. The feeling I got [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > slivers of respite, and there IS survival...others have made it so you can > also. hang in there. Denial is very much underrated. It's a key survival mechanism during such times. Put those messages out of your mind and focus on what you need to do to FUNCTION minute to minute. Hang in there. > Thanks for understanding. I will never forget that feeling in my body as I > read those messages. Now I'm in a defensive shut down mode about it. I try [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > > slivers of respite, and there IS survival...others have made it so you can > > also. hang in there. > I work close to home and when I went home for lunch I > collapsed in a heap of tears and dry > heaves. My wife came to me and tried to comfort me > saying that we will get through this > together. It will be so hard to stay focused on that > when I am so hurt. first off ((((hugs)))) Been through the collapse part of it. Some minutes are better than others. And yes it is hard to stay focused. I have been living life in five minute increments. Did the tears and dry heaves and the real heaves and it does pass. The tears will come back and your mind will go beserko. I have made myself a rule about when I can get upset. In the shower, during my commute and at night after my daughter is asleep. Scheduled break-downs help because if you feel yourself getting upset you can stuff it til later. Let me sound in about the wife comforting you. My husband tried to do this and all it does is make things more confusing for you. If she isn't living there I highly recommend very little contact with her. I felt like his kind words were proof that he would come back and he still loved me. I couldn't be more wrong. It's day 16 and he has not come back. Even though he says he is coming to help get the house ready to sell I suspect that is all bullshit too. You have to take care of you and the kids no matter what. Use that as your focus. I know it's hard to do but try very hard. Thanks. Looking back on this topic from a couple of months ago maybe? it is sobering. She has actually admitted to being very serious with him and has had him in my house with my kids asleep. They are very fairytale about the whole thing. I don't care my problems are now his and I hope he has deep pockets. This board, friends and doing the next right thing has helped me to move on. She however will crash and burn. > > I work close to home and when I went home for lunch I > > collapsed in a heap of tears and dry [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > bullshit too. You have to take care of you and the kids no matter what. > Use that as your focus. I know it's hard to do but try very hard. The major differences between your story and mine are 1) it was email not text messages 2) we had two children not three. I can relate to the despair, depression, anger, bitterness etc ... What helped most would probably be taking things one day at a time; and when that didn't work, I took things one hour at a time. I did some reading to help me get back on my feet --for me, the topic was co-dependancy. I said the Serenenity Prayer ALOT. |
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