Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / November 2005

I think its sweet that they returned it. that shows respect for you & your
grandma. If they didnt want it they could have just tossed it. dont read so
much into it.
JMO
LS

Lots of people still have decent relationships with their ex-in-laws.  If
you always have, then maybe now is the time to step up and say so.

I think it was very thoughtful for your MIL to return the quilt, since it
was something of an heirloom.  Her heart sounds like it is in the right
place.  But, I also think it would be perfectly fine for you to pick up the
telephone and say to her, "I know that your son and I are getting divorced,
but you have become part of the family of my heart.  I would really like it
if you kept the quilt.  Just because your son and I cannot stay married, it
doesn't mean, to me, that you have to be cut out of my life.  I gave the
quilt to you as an indication that you are a part of my life.  Whether or
not your son and I are together, whether or not you and I are in contact,
that is quite simply, a truth.  I'd like for you to have it."

For me, gifts are given out of respect and caring.  If you felt that for
these people, there is no need to take the gift back.  If you continue to
have a relationship with them, great.  If, for whatever reason, that can't
be... well, that's the way it is.  But, it doesn't negate what *was* -- that
you cared for them

Sheila

Yeah.  I don't get that.  I mean if it was a gift, why the hell would
a person give it back.  It is insensitive and rude.  I wonder what
Miss. Manners would say about this.

I once knew someone who's MIL came into my friend's house and demanded
that gifts (toys) to her grandson would be returned.  Man, go figure.

Sorry you had to experience this.

____________________
You do what you do and you pay for your sins
and there's no such thing as what might have been...
that's a waste of time...drive you out of your mind...

 wow, I'm sure that hurt a GREAT DEAL....there are so many of these
reminders when relationships end...so many "repeat losses" and
echoes....it was considerate of her to return it rather than sell it on
ebay (lousy joke, sorry)....Put it on a closet or trunk somewhere and
save it for someone special. I know it's hard, but....the original
symbolism of the quilt remains and that can't be stolen.

 >I think it was last year that I gave my MIL and FIL a handmade quilt
that my
 > paternal grandmother made.  She has made a ton of them over the
years, and I
 > have five or six of them.  The last one that my dad gave me is the
one I
 > gave to my MIL and FIL.  Dad knew I was going to do this and was
fine with
 > it.  My STBX just brought it in from the car in a box.  He said his
mom
 > wanted to return it to me because it's an heirloom.  I respect the
thought
 > behind it, but I'm hurt AGAIN.
 >
 > Is this marriage evaporating as if it never existed??  Is that what
it seems
 > like to anyone else, or is it just me??  I am so sad, and I am so
tired of
 > being reminded almost every day that the end has happened, and I am
not a
 > part of "them" anymore.  :(
 >
 > `Had to vent/share/talk/cry out loud...
 >
 > --
 >
 > ·.·´¨ ¨))  -:¦:-
 >       ¸.·´  .·´¨¨))
 >       Laurie
 >   ((¸¸.·´  ..·´
 >     -:¦:-  ((¸¸ ·.·
 >
 > *~*LiveLoveLaugh, and hangin' in there!*~*
 >
 > "How disappointment tracks the steps of hope..."
 > ~Letitia Landon
 >
 >
 >

Sheila's imaginary dialog is really powerful; and it about what my first recommendation
would be. I tend to believe your MIL cared for the quilt. I think it has been stored,
safely in a box, rather than out on the linen shelf, where it might have been used and
deteriorated. That's merely speculation, of course.

What if MIL and/or FIL love you so much that they can't bear to have such a treasured
reminder of you. You would like the quilt to serve as a reminder of good things, but what
if they actually see it as a painful reminded? They might think that you won't want to
remain a part of their life! Either way, it's a great reason to follow Sheila's
recommendation!

Now, to play the devil's advocate. Even when it is for the best, divorce always saddens
me. It is the breaking of something that should not be broken. You seem like a fine
person, and as unlikely as it now seems, someday you are apt to find a new love and have a
new family. Will your new husband understand your attachment to your current MIL and FIL?
He might; or he might be threatened by it. Will your new MIL and FIL pick at your
attachment to your current MIL and FIL? Maybe.

Again I say, follow Sheila's recommendation, but make certain you do it for the right
reason. As you might know, we sometimes want others to keep an object because we hope,
even believe, it will perpetuate a tie--from both directions. When it happens, it is a
good thing; it's the sort of thing Sheila is talking about! And it is the opposite of what
I'm suggesting might happen. If you offer the quilt again, and they decline your
invitation, let it end there.

The things you're feeling about the divorce, itself, are quite typical. Even divorces
where spousal abuse has existed are still sad, because it is not what we wanted. At least,
not what we would have preferred.

I think the most important thing about divorce is that we learn from our mistakes; some of
which are often made long *before* the wedding.

Play with fire! Zildjan drum sticks