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Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / December 2005How Can You Be Happy...
... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell you... You're *supposed* to be happy without (your) S.O. in your life anymore - the someone special who truly cared for you, the someone special who was really there for you, the someone special who did things for you, and vice versa. I think it's a riddle.. I still don't really believe it's possible - at least for most mortals. I don't care what the books say. Is there a point in "living for yourself"? I don't think so. I think it's a bunch of hooeey. Snake oil....? "Happiness comes from within...." (Yeah, right.... It's about letting go of something that doesn't exist anymore. > It's about letting go of something that doesn't exist anymore. I don't think I can do that. That's just who I am. And I've always been way. I guess I'm Sysiphus. > ... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell you... > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > "Happiness comes from within...." (Yeah, right.... A lot of it is about perception and awareness. I'm guessing that you were content and she wasn't. It makes sense that if things were "fine" with you, it will take you longer to get over it. You also might have the tendency to dramatize or inflate how great things *really* were. Apparently she wasn't as content with things as you were and perhaps she has more of an ability to be happy within. Think of people you know who have had really heinous things happen in their lives (I'm not talking about getting dumped by a spouse...I'm talking about attrocities). Some people spring back and go with the punches. Some people let a broken nail ruin an afternoon. You're "yeah right" comment is a reflection of how you think. It's a hard concept for many (yes, I struggle with it) but I know that it's true. Some turn lemons into lemonade and others suck the lemons until they're blue in the face. The thing is Bill...it's a choice, despite your protestations. >> ... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell you... >> [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > they're blue in the face. The thing is Bill...it's a choice, despite > your protestations. One "chooses" to be happy ... by flipping some switch? And one "chooses" to be unhappy ... by not flipping the switch? And ... that's it? And you believe that? How many people do you know who are truly happy *just by themselves*? Truly happy? (With no S.O.'s, or the like, in their life)? With no one to live for, no one to care for - except themselves? What kind of life is that? > One "chooses" to be happy ... by flipping some switch? And one "chooses" > to be unhappy ... by not flipping the switch? And ... that's it? And [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > one to live for, no one to care for - except themselves? What kind of > life is that? I sincerely look forward to the day when I am no longer responsible to anyone. Just as I am not responsible for my family's happiness, they are not always the cause of mine. I relish the thought of 10 acres, a couple of dogs & cats, and no mate. How do we make others happy if we are not happy ourselves? Who would you rather hang out with- a grumpy old woman who complains and see everything in the worst possible light- or a happy old woman who is FUN to be around because of her positive attitude? Each year I take a solo vacation. My H isn't fond of the idea, but since I was doing it before he came along...he doesn't complain. There's no one to answer to; no "what do you want for dinner, Honey?", and no putting the other's feelings ahead of yours. I can eat eggs at 10 pm, if I choose. It's usually one of the best weeks during the year. ;-) Enjoy yourself and your freedom. Let the past go- the disappointments and failures get to be heavy burdens that will slow you down. When you like yourself, others will too. That's when you may decide to share your life with someone. just my 2¢, your mileage may vary~ LL >> One "chooses" to be happy ... by flipping some switch? And one "chooses" >> to be unhappy ... by not flipping the switch? And ... that's it? And [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > How do we make others happy if we are not happy ourselves? Sigh. I guess we don't, unless we live thru their happiness, which I guess isn't right either. > Who would you rather hang out with- a grumpy old woman who complains > and see everything in the worst possible light- or a happy old woman [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > 10 pm, if I choose. It's usually one of the best weeks during the year. > ;-) You really WANT to be alone? > Enjoy yourself and your freedom. Let the past go- the disappointments > and failures get to be heavy burdens that will slow you down. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > LL Good thoughts, LL. Thanks. :-) > How do we make others happy if we are not happy ourselves? This is one of the questions I have always asked, or in an around-about way, "If you can't be happy with yourself, can you be happy when you are sharing your life with someone else?". Until I met my SO, I was pretty darn happy with my life. I had a pretty good job, was surrounded by good people, and had my life under control. It is still that way, only with someone else in my life. It was good alone, it is better with someone to share with. But, had my life continued on with out meeting that someone new, I do believe I'd still be very happy and pleased with my life. GGG  SignatureTo contact me: GGGNH@yahoo.mail > One "chooses" to be happy ... by flipping some switch? And one "chooses" > to be unhappy ... by not flipping the switch? And ... that's it? And > you believe that? Actually, there's some truth to that. I've had emotional highs and lows since i was a kid. I've *learned* to switch it myself, if i let myself. When i feel myself slipping into an emotional funk (depression) i can often identify that it's happening and shift myself into a more positive mode. It's not easy at all. Sometimes i recognize i need the funk in order to process some bad feelings, so i don't fight it. But i don't let it last too long, either. So yes, maybe there *is* a switch, but you have to learn to flip it? Took me over 30 years to learn, but it's possible. I think part of it is learning to dissociate. That came to me naturally in childhood in order to get thru some crappy stuff, but i do it intentionally now to "step back" and look at something in a different light, or to remove the "feelings" from a situation. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's a way to survive. > How many people do you know who are truly happy *just by themselves*? > Truly happy? (With no S.O.'s, or the like, in their life)? With no > one to live for, no one to care for - except themselves? What kind of > life is that? You care about me, right? Don't you email me when you know i'm sick and ask if i'm doing ok? That's caring for someone, right there. >>One "chooses" to be happy ... by flipping some switch? And one "chooses" >>to be unhappy ... by not flipping the switch? And ... that's it? And [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > different light, or to remove the "feelings" from a situation. I don't > know if it's good or bad, but it's a way to survive. This more or less fits with my own experiences too. For example I am still devastated about my kids not living here but I don't spend all my time with that feeling, just let myself go there sometimes to try and deal with it. When I'm not with that feeling I'm quite happy. If there is a pain that is fixable then it seems sensible to let yourself go there and process it but I think some pains are much harder to process than others (and maybe impossible). If you can't process them to solution you can still choose not to stay with them and to go to some happy places in yourself. Its a skill - if you practise you get better at it. Don't most people learn this with age ? I reckon women are usually more skilled at this than men. bogey >>How many people do you know who are truly happy *just by themselves*? >>Truly happy? (With no S.O.'s, or the like, in their life)? With no [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > You care about me, right? Don't you email me when you know i'm sick > and ask if i'm doing ok? That's caring for someone, right there. >>> How many people do you know who are truly happy *just by themselves*? >>> Truly happy? (With no S.O.'s, or the like, in their life)? [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] >> You care about me, right? Don't you email me when you know i'm sick >> and ask if i'm doing ok? That's caring for someone, right there. yeah but you don't get in his bed m.l. i miss that. the smell, the feel, the warmth, the fun .. bogey > >> You care about me, right? Don't you email me when you know i'm sick > >> and ask if i'm doing ok? That's caring for someone, right there. > > yeah but you don't get in his bed m.l. this is true... but i don't want Bill to discount the fact that he is important to some people even if he doesn't seem to think so. > i miss that. the smell, the feel, the warmth, the fun .. Yeah. I don't think i ever stopped missing that, the last 10 years or so of my first marriage i slept without a SO every night and i did get very very lonely in spite of having a dog and cat with me and sometimes a kid... They're cuddly, but it's not the same thing at all. My now-husband and i dated over a year before we got to where we could spend every night together, and it's been this way now for 6 years and i don't ever want to sleep alone night after night again.. I truly appreciate what i have in my life.. and i'd hate waking up from my nightmares with nobody to hold onto... that would suck. Damn it Bill, I'm gonna swing into town and smack you! (and believe me, I have the frequent miles to do it) :-) No one can make you happy or sad unless you let them. >>> ... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell you... >>> [quoted text clipped - 39 lines] >one to live for, no one to care for - except themselves? What kind of >life is that? ____________________ You do what you do and you pay for your sins and there's no such thing as what might have been... that's a waste of time...drive you out of your mind... My Own Doppelganger said > >>> "Happiness comes from within...." (Yeah, right.... > >> [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > >one to live for, no one to care for - except themselves? What kind of > >life is that? Actually, it can be a pretty damned good one. If you think you can't be happy without someone else, then you have a very defeatist attitude. > Damn it Bill, I'm gonna swing into town and smack you! (and believe > me, I have the frequent miles to do it) :-) > > No one can make you happy or sad unless you let them. Very true. Casey >My Own Doppelganger said [snip] >> >One "chooses" to be happy ... by flipping some switch? And one "chooses" >> >to be unhappy ... by not flipping the switch? And ... that's it? And [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] >Actually, it can be a pretty damned good one. If you think you can't >be happy without someone else, then you have a very defeatist attitude. If you can't be happy without someone else, you also can't be happy with them. At best, they might distract you for a while. I recently lived for ... 3 years with no SO or 'the like'. Have one now. I care for and about other people. An SO is in addition to the many(?) other people I care about, not instead. (Same thing for her w.r.t. me.) Yes, happiness is to be had while no SO is at hand. Bill, it's part of your problem that you have _decided_ that to not have an SO _means_ that you have no one to care for or to live for. That's your choice, and it is exactly a flipping a switch matter. You could equally decide that you are, yourself, and in your own life, reason to live. You could, no less, decide that you have talents, abilities, interests that you can share with people known or un- and that doing so is itself a reason to live. It's very much your own decision to decide that your life is worthless, incapable of happiness, etc. for lack of an SO. >> Damn it Bill, I'm gonna swing into town and smack you! (and believe >> me, I have the frequent miles to do it) :-) >> >> No one can make you happy or sad unless you let them. > >Very true. Amen. Story I've told before from late in my marriage. I came home, as I occasionally had before, with some flowers from the grocery store. Same as usual, this was because I was there, they looked nice, and I felt like bringing home a cheery batch of flowers. Ordinarily, my ex liked those flowers. This time, she saw them and immediately got very angry -- it 'proved' that I had been 'up to something' and was trying to 'by her off', etc etc. The flowers themselves, and my delivery, were the same as ever. Some times, she decided to be happier from it. Some times, she decided to be unhappy about it. Entirely her choice. The limit of what I could do is to do something that she could choose to be happy about. SignatureRobert Grumbine http://www.radix.net/~bobg/ Science faqs and amateur activities notes and links. Sagredo (Galileo Galilei) "You present these recondite matters with too much evidence and ease; this great facility makes them less appreciated than they would be had they been presented in a more abstruse manner." Two New Sciences > >> ... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell you... > >> [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > to be unhappy ... by not flipping the switch? And ... that's it? And > you believe that? It's not like flipping the switch, It's like learning to bve positive and like yourself. Takes active work and time to get there. > How many people do you know who are truly happy *just by themselves*? > Truly happy? (With no S.O.'s, or the like, in their life)? With no > one to live for, no one to care for - except themselves? What kind of > life is that? Living "for" someone else is codependence. Wanting and cherishing life with someone else is a healthier way to have a relationship. One can still love and care without feeling dependent and like the *only* thing they live for is the other person in their life. >>>> ... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell you... >>>> >>>> You're *supposed* to be happy without (your) S.O. in your life anymore - >>>> the someone special who truly cared for you, the someone special who was >>>> really there for you, the someone special who did things for you, and vice >>>> versa. >>>> >>>> I think it's a riddle.. I still don't really believe it's possible - at >>>> least for most mortals. I don't care what the books say. Is there a >>>> point in "living for yourself"? I don't think so. I think it's a [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > > Living "for" someone else is codependence. How do you so clearly draw the line as to what is "living for someone else", and what is "living for yourself"? When you're married, it gets kinda blurred, I think. > Wanting and cherishing life with someone else is a healthier way to > have a relationship. > One can still love and care without feeling dependent and like the > *only* thing they live for is the other person in their life. Well, I wouldn't put it quite that way - the gist of it may be there, but that's a bit simplistic, I think (to say it is like that). > >>>> ... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell > you... [quoted text clipped - 52 lines] > and what is "living for yourself"? When you're married, it gets kinda > blurred, I think. You have that feeling that you'd "die without them"? > > Wanting and cherishing life with someone else is a healthier way to > > have a relationship. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > Well, I wouldn't put it quite that way - the gist of it may be there, but > that's a bit simplistic, I think (to say it is like that). > > >>>> ... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell > > you... [quoted text clipped - 54 lines] > > You have that feeling that you'd "die without them"? How Pathetic that anyone would consider someone that important to thier Life. William > > > Wanting and cherishing life with someone else is a healthier way to > > > have a relationship. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Well, I wouldn't put it quite that way - the gist of it may be there, but > > that's a bit simplistic, I think (to say it is like that). >>>>>> ... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell you... >>>>>> You're *supposed* to be happy without (your) S.O. in your life anymore - >>>>>> the someone special who truly cared for you, the someone special who was >>>>>> really there for you, the someone special who did things for you, and >>>>>> vice versa. >>>>>> >>>>>> I think it's a riddle.. I still don't really believe it's possible - >>>>>> at least for most mortals. I don't care what the books say. Is >>>>>> there a point in "living for yourself"? I don't think so. I think >>>>>> it's a bunch of hooeey. Snake oil....? >>>>>> [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] >>>> >>>> One "chooses" to be happy ... by flipping some switch? And one "chooses" >>>> to be unhappy ... by not flipping the switch? And ... that's it? And >>>> you believe that? >>> [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > > You have that feeling that you'd "die without them"? Ummm, how about if your life seems kinda meaningless or empty without them? Is that close enuf? >>> Wanting and cherishing life with someone else is a healthier way to >>> have a relationship. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >> Well, I wouldn't put it quite that way - the gist of it may be there, but >> that's a bit simplistic, I think (to say it is like that). >>>>>>> ... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell >you... [quoted text clipped - 61 lines] >Ummm, how about if your life seems kinda meaningless or empty without them? >Is that close enuf? If that's how you feel about your entire existence, yes, it's problematic. Sure, when you love someone a big part of your life is tied to them. There is a difference thought between "I can't go on without you (and giving up for good)" and "It will be damn hard to go on without you, but I'll make it." >Some turn lemons into lemonade and others suck the lemons until > they're blue in the face. Which is actually my argument the other way. I think people are wired to be the way they are. My mom is wired to be upbeat about everything. Nothing gets her down, she takes everything as it comes, no big deal. Her positive attitude impresses just about everyone she meets. Sometimes it gets on my nerves. Because I'm wired the other way. Just about anything can get to me and almost nothing makes me feel really good. I even find church depressing anymore. My life "wasn't supposed to be like this". Despite Toby Maguire in "Pleasantville" saying that there is no "supposed to be", this isn't what it's supposed to be. I don't want my ex back, but I do miss the concept of "family" and knowing everything about my son's life. I feel like odd-man out in my own family -- they're all still married (12, 20 and 48 years). Unfortunately, whether I like it or not, this is the way it is. And it's not lemonade and it never will be. -- Barbara Sz. >> Some turn lemons into lemonade and others suck the lemons until >> they're blue in the face. [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > and 48 years). Unfortunately, whether I like it or not, this is the way > it is. And it's not lemonade and it never will be. -- Barbara Sz. I think there is a lot of truth to this. I don't think there is a "switch", any more than there is a "switch" for any other (major) personality trait. People can (and do) change, but only within certain limits, and I think that's about it. > >Some turn lemons into lemonade and others suck the lemons until > > they're blue in the face. [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > and 48 years). Unfortunately, whether I like it or not, this is the way > it is. And it's not lemonade and it never will be. -- Barbara Sz. For some people things can be changed. I know for me they can. It took years of hard work, and I still have lemon days, but at least 80% of the time things are lemonade! > ... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell you... > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > "Happiness comes from within...." (Yeah, right.... Not really my issue right now, but... it takes time, can't be hurried. Divorse, seperation, death are all very similar in that regard. I ended a relationship of 9 years in 1999. The recovery was tough. I wanted to die! i cried a lot. I spent the better part of 9 months on the sofa chainsmoking and watching frasier, seinfeld and third rock from the sun --i tore my rotator cuff reaching for the remote i was so sedentary. hmm... a lot of 9s in that paragraph... they're real nines, though.. I also spent an hour a week with a therapist, on my own dime. Then, about 9 months into it, i got the bug to go disco dancing again, an old passion of mine. One too many Pentium commercials i suppose. I got rather "in" to it, and spent hours on the dancefloor but stayed away from actually picking up women -- i was there to _dance_, not woo. i started riding my bicycle again and began a 20 mile roundtrip year round cyclecommute habit and learned about this thing called RAGBRAI. I took the opportunity to parse and pare the bullsh*t from my life and dedicated myself to living as frugally (not == just plain cheap) as i could to facilitate buying a house and move out of the roach apartments i lived in (see miles move into the Shangri La apts in Frasier). Instead of just laying around the house, i found the things i liked to do and threw myself into them. I got kind of quietly militant about doing them well and slowly just forgot how miserable i was. Even usenet played a role. even soc.support.* groups helped. I developed a major enjoyment of Thrift Stores... Eventually i got a girlfriend, (unexpectedly, three years ago), (we) quit smoking (2.75 years ago) and i bought a house next to a river (2 years ago) By Myself. i bought a kayak and later a bunch of unicycles. The girlfriend has not moved in, but we do consider getting married again. Achieving happiness happens, but it takes time, focus and effort. You cannot hurry it, you just have to do your time in hell, and you cannot take short cuts. I personally recommend therapy as an alternative to alcohol, and lots of excercise, if you can do it. Learn how to cook healthy food. Find things you rilly _like_ doing and _do_ them. Don't dismiss physical activity -- it balances the mind and the body (its a lot more complicated than "endorphins") and makes the brain work better. But regardless of your choices, first give yourself some time to heal-up. well, work calls... :-/ bb Dude, happiness DOES come from within. You can't depend on anyone else for your happiness. That was my ex's mistake. She thought I was suppose to make her happy. Doesn't work that way. If you're a pissed off bitch/bastard - all the joy your partner attempts to bring into your life ain't gonna matter. You're still a pissed-off bitch/bastard. Just like the old saying... Ain't such thing as a crabby old lady... She was ALWAYS crabby. >... if you're no longer together? This is some riddle, I tell you... > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > >"Happiness comes from within...." (Yeah, right.... ____________________ You do what you do and you pay for your sins and there's no such thing as what might have been... that's a waste of time...drive you out of your mind... > Dude, happiness DOES come from within. You can't depend on anyone > else for your happiness. That was my ex's mistake. She thought I was [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > attempts to bring into your life ain't gonna matter. You're still a > pissed-off bitch/bastard. Yep. trying to make a pissed-off bastard happy is like banging your head on a brick wall. Never had the experience of trying to make a pissed-off bitch happy, but i assume it's about the same. I dont think you can be happy when you're stuck remembering the past, the good times of it I mean, and knowing how f.cked up things are now. |
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