Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / December 2005

SPEAKING of holidays.....
just back from my root canal, all numbed up and talking like a drunk..
but
my
boy
is
home from college,
and i'll be going to see him this afternoon!!!
YIPPEEEEEEEEE!!!

(ML does the happy dance once again!)

Of course they are, that's what's important...so you should be too.

My ex and I are fortunately from similar backgrounds and both have good
jobs, so we can afford to spoil the boy, and never had any mismatches.

My gf, tho, is stretched thinner than you should be. Her daughter is
5.5, and my son is 4.6, so neither one is old enough to understand the
monetary differences b/w our families. I don't know how her daughter
will take it. It's a tough question, esp. when they're at that magical
age. I find myself on the other side, trying to decide the proper
etiquitte rather than worrying about whether I bought enough for the
boy. I've asked gf if her daughter has everything, and offered to buy
stuff (I bought a few things, but nothing huge).

I dunno. I can't answer this question. I'm floundering b/c it's a
tough-a.s situation on both sides of the fence. Just gotta make-do, I
suppose.

Oh Lord! Ring the Troll Bell. You dang evil wimmenzes, living high off
us innocent men... :)

- Saul

<snip>

Let me flip this around and see what your advice is to me.

I previously had good income and the presents flowed under the tree.  SO
laughs/shudders when I tell her we used to spend 2.5 ~ 3 hours opening
presents on Christmas day.

Now, I can't really afford anything.  I have all of these things that I
want to get for my kids, and I feel really bad that I can't.  I just
sent off presents to them, but the shipping alone was almost three times
the cost of the presents, and so I had to nix plans for getting them
each a game from Amazon - just didn't have the money.

I have (unwisely I'm sure) chatted about this a bit with DD2.  I've told
her that I realize that I can't get everything I want for them, but that
they are jsut excited to have stuff from Dad.

How would you suggest I deal with that ML?

Rambler

ML...

The Love and I were (and are) in a similar situation.  When we married,
it was me that had the bucks.  She had no debts and she had a bit of
savings... but comparatively it was peanuts.  She honestly worried
about this... felt, as you're saying, that she was bringing "almost
nothing into the marriage".

Then I pointed out to her that in a sense we were both bringing exactly
the same into the marriage... namely *everything* we had.  Everything.
And not just financially, either (that's the least of it) but also
emotionally, physically, spiritually.  <grin>  This of course
pre-supposes a view of the nature of "marriage" that is pretty
difficult to attain.  And in fact we are still (and always will be)
working on it.  But that's the objective, and it's an objective for our
marriage that we both share.  But since we both have this same
objective (at least), our initial financial differences seem to have
become pretty much irrelevant to both of us.

This is a more difficult one because it touches strongly on *other*
issues.  It includes of course the relative financial resources that
the both of you had at marriage.  But it also includes expectations and
customs surrounding the Christmas holidays... which is a somewhat
different thing.

Personally, I'm coming to feel that the gift-giving frenzy we
customarily indulge in at Christmas is damaging.  I've got to admit
that I didn't always feel this way (except maybe theoretically) because
in years past I indulged in it as much (or more) as anyone else.  My
kids got *lots* of presents and everyone in my immediate family got at
least something from me.  It was fun.  But the more I wonder about it,
the more I worry about the side-effects of that fun.  The kids, for
instance, learn to *expect* to be given to... and to gauge their
relative worth and the degree to which they are loved by the quality
and quantity of presents they receive.  There are other problems as
well.

This year we're doing things a little bit differently for Christmas.
Part of the reason for the difference is just practical.  We live in
India and all of our relatives are in North America.  Here, it's
*difficult* to find presents that people will like, that are compact
enough to ship through the international mails, and that are *not*
likely to be stolen while in transit.  We've tried it in the past, and
we've never been really satisfied with the result.  So this year, we're
not getting people "stuff" for Christmas.  Instead, we are donating
money to a local charity here in Chennai in the names of the people to
whom we'd have ordinarily sent the "stuff".  The charity is a local
youth boarding school/hostel that serves some *very* poor people here
locally.  We know the people who run it (in fact The Love does
volunteer work there part-time) and we've met the kids.

And as far as gifts go... same goes for The Love and I.  We're not
getting each other any *thing* for Christmas, either.  <grin>  We're
giving each other our love instead.

rj