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Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / January 2006Seeking objective advice
I could spend the money on a therapist, but I find that strangers with similar experience are an equally valuable source. Being new to this board, I expect brutally honest responses that are unaffected by any judgement about me personally. Here's my situation: Married second husband after being together for 10 years and having a daughter together. I had married young and had a bad experience with an abusive husband, so was quite hesitant to go in again. #2 was not that different from #1 - I attract alcoholics and enabled them in my younger days. That behavior is all in the past - current husband quit drinking, we moved to a new city with our daughter and got married, and made a home for her. In my opinion he traded off addictions and started spending hours on end on the computer to the point of ignoring the family. He did keep a good job and moved up over the years while I struggled to find the right fit and be the primary parent. Eventually I became emotionally detatched, sought (and found) alternate male attention, and found myself fairly ambivilant about the marriage. The child is now 17, attending college, and developed into a caring and ambitious young woman. I took a job and a room about 60 miles from the family home, and visit on weekends. We've discussed a legal separation, including the financial aspects, but my husband still wants to work it out. I now have an opportunity for acceptable work back near the family home, but my feelings towards him haven't changed. We both contributed to the divide between us, but my maternal instincts are pushing me towards going back and spending the last few years home and available to emotionally support my daughter while she's still in college and getting on her feet. My husband and I can get along fine for the most part - the major issue is that I have no physical desire for him and constantly reject his sexual advances. Of course we would be better off financially together, and we still share common interests such as travel and family. My question is: do I appear to be opportunistic, or just practical? Thanks for your comments. >I could spend the money on a therapist, but I find that strangers with > similar experience are an equally valuable source. Being new to this > board, I expect brutally honest responses that are unaffected by any > judgement about me personally. <snip> The posters here are not marriage counselors, and IMO, that's what you need. If you are not a troll and this post is for real, then your detachment may be well-earned, but unfair to your husband. Its a self-centered, egotistical approach that serves you ill, and you need to work on that. Unless you have better reason that you've stated, you ought to try being a better spouse. =R= > >I could spend the money on a therapist, but I find that strangers with > > similar experience are an equally valuable source. Being new to this [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > work on that. Unless you have better reason that you've stated, you > ought to try being a better spouse. =R= And adding to Roger's post...if you want to be close to your daughter, it does not necessarily have to be done with your husband. I"m curious as to how or why you felt that leaving your daughter was a positive thing to do and in her best interest. For all you know, at this point, she might not have any interest in your being involved her life right now. Without you giving too much detail in your original post...it's sounds as if you abandoned her. Girls don't do well being abandoned by either of their parents, but more specifically by their mothers. I"m not trying to lay a guilt trip on you, but it might be a bit late to make ammends. And don't such your husband into your drama if what you want is to be close to your daughter. That seems manipulative to me. I appreciate your responses. I'm not a troll, just trying to make a decision that will have the least negative impact on all involved. I didn't expect there to be counselors or PhDs here, but I did figure that anyone who might frequent a board such as this has either been through some somewhat similar situations. I am very close with my DD, we talk at least 3X daily and spend weekends together. She does still want and need nurturing, encouragement, and support so I'm starting to feel like I left too soon. She'll be 18 in a few months, and an opportunity to advance in my field at an unexpectely high rate presented itself. I moved out to be able to get to the job M-F and go home on the weekends. It's hard to squeeze 20 years of history in one post, suffice to say we've both done wrong in the marriage. He wants to work it out as a couple, I have no interest. I've stayed the last 5 years so DD would have both parents while she went through some very tough teen years, and thought it was close enough at this point. She stayed with him because her school is nearby and she's settled in a routine. Mr. had knowledge of my extra-marital activities because he loaded spyware on my computer and tracked all my email and passwords. He threatened a custody battle whenever I talked about leaving and I didn't want that for her. Her well being has been central to the majority of my decisions her entire life. > I appreciate your responses. I'm not a troll, just trying to make a > decision that will have the least negative impact on all involved. I [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > custody battle whenever I talked about leaving and I didn't want that > for her. > Her well being has been central to the majority of my decisions her entire life. Then why were you having extra-marital activities? Sure doesn't sound like it. Parenting and marriage are two different things. I had no marriage to speak of for years and I kept the family together despite being a single mother for all practical purposes. He did not treat me well, had been abusive in the past and I never forgave that, and I felt trapped in the marriage because I didn't want to take his DD from him. He never paid any attention to me or the family so I did it because I could. We did go to counseling, but I have never been able to rekindle romantic feelings for him. It was always about providing for our child. > Parenting and marriage are two different things. I had no marriage > to speak of for years and I kept the family together despite being a [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > able to rekindle romantic feelings for him. It was always about > providing for our child. Then why keep your both lives on hold. If you don't want to be married, get divorced, so you both can move on and try to find happier lives. Otherwise, quit whining, suck it up and find a way to make it work. To be crude: Piss or get off the pot. =R= No prob with crude - I've heard that many times beore. >No prob with crude - I've heard that many times beore. Well, right or wrong, I think that you get to some point with a marriage in which, for whatever reasons, you are no longer interested in trying. That's where you quite clearly are. Your daughter needs YOU. At this age, she probably doesn't need you-as-part-of-mom-and-dad, and you really haven't been that in a while, anyway. So why not move back to be closer to her, but end the marriage? Other than for some practical financial reasons, which are probably not that compelling in the long run if your career is going well, there doesn't seem to be much reason to stay in the marriage. Nina, that's sounds just like what my best friend says - she's been with me and supportive of all the efforts I made, tolerated my straying without being overly judgemental even tho she made it clear she didn't approve. She told me today not to go back just because I'm missing DD because she's seen me go thru this before, and I've come so far in the separation process. I do spend as much time with my dauther as possible under the circumstances, but really need to be more determined about convincing my husband that I do mean it. >Nina, that's sounds just like what my best friend says - she's been >with me and supportive of all the efforts I made, tolerated my straying [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] >circumstances, but really need to be more determined about convincing >my husband that I do mean it. I think that if you're going to do that, you have to first convince yourself that you mean it. And then you have to take some constructive steps on your own.... perhaps find somewhere else to live, things like that. Your husband probably won't be convinced that you mean it as long as you do the same things that you've always done, especially if he would just as soon work on it, or thinks that he would. > Nina, that's sounds just like what my best friend says - she's been > with me and supportive of all the efforts I made, tolerated my straying [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > circumstances, but really need to be more determined about convincing > my husband that I do mean it. I'm curious if you're willing to make this move because things are not going well or are ending with the man who you left to be with. Or is that relationship still going strong and this really is mainly about your daughter? It's really about my daughter - the other relationship never was anything meaningful or committed. I talk to the guy a few times a week and see him maybe once a month if even that. Friends with benefits thing and probably more of an ego boost for me after having been pretty much ignored for so many years in the marriage. When I lost interest in sex in my mid-30s I wondered if I had become frigid and that part of my life was over. I strayed for validation because of a poor self-image. I realized the problem was that I just don't want that intimacy with my husband even though many other aspects of our relationship have healed. I feel violated and taken for granted, like it's an obligation to have sex with him whether I want to or not. > It's really about my daughter - the other relationship never was > anything meaningful or committed. I talk to the guy a few times a week > and see him maybe once a month if even that. Friends with benefits > thing and probably more of an ego boost for me after having been pretty > much ignored for so many years in the marriage. I think you've already been given some good, objective advice, and I most certainly agree that you have two separate issues. Divorce sucks no matter which way you look at it, or who's to fault or whatever. As some here are fond of saying- there is no water in that pool. ;-) Move closer to your daughter, by all means. There may come a day when she feels it necessary to break away, so to speak, and head for wide open spaces without a parent hovering. That's a natural occurance, and it's that independence that clearly shows great parenting, inmyeversohumbleopinion, of course. ;-) And divorce is one of the scariest times, all the uncertainy, the admission of failure (no matter where the fault), the financials and knowing that you will be facing many things alone, without the security of a spouse's opinion- whether that be positive or negative. Unless you are willing to give 100% to a reconciliation- please don't drag things out in your daughter's name. You will be doing her the disservice. You will be showing her that a marriage of convenince is a good thing, and you will be setting the example and her precedent. How long would you want your daughter to stay in a bad marriage? Are you willing for her to feel all your resentment and anxiety when she stays in her marriage "for the kids sake"? You don't sound like it. You sound much smarter than needing validation from this group. Let yourself and your husband move on. I think, if I had written your letter, you'd be saying the same thing to me. Take care, Paige. Please do stay around. Take what you need and forget the rest. I value the opinions here, and hope you will do the same. LL Thank you for taking the time to write this. I actually hadn't taken that perspective, and no, I would never want my daughter to stay in a bad marriage for any reason. To write what? There is nothing quoted in here. ???? It's a good option to use in Google, so people can at least follow your posts, FYI. Not that hard to do, really. > Thank you for taking the time to write this. I actually hadn't taken > that perspective, and no, I would never want my daughter to stay in a > bad marriage for any reason. Nina said > >No prob with crude - I've heard that many times beore. > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > while, anyway. So why not move back to be closer to her, but end the > marriage? That's my take on it too. There are two separate issues here and two separate decisions to make. By all means she should take the chance to move closer to the daughter. However, it's time to be totally honest with the husband and end the marriage if that's truly how she feels. He needs to be able to go on with his life. Casey >Nina said >> [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] >marriage if that's truly how she feels. He needs to be able to go on >with his life. i agree. Sadly, Rog is telling you the best advice you will hear. No point in sitting on the fence too long. If you do, you will only make things worse than have to be, but be very certain that you can live with the decision you make. > No prob with crude - I've heard that many times beore. |
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