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Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / January 2006need list of all major points in a divorce
hello, I am getting a divorce and even though I still love my wife with all my heart I could not be happier. She has agreed to have an uncontested divorce. The past two weeks have been a living hell. But now things are a lot better that I have come to understand my wife better. To bad I took so long to open my eyes. Maybe if I had kept my eyes open during our marriage I could have saved it. I am not saying I am taking all the blame, just saying if I had been more aware of her needs, maybe she would have been aware of mine. I have already spoken to a lawyer and informed her that I was hoping to get an uncontested divorce even though I have definate grounds and much evidence to prove that I am the better parent. I do not want the emotional expense of a legal battle. I still love my wife and it would hurt me deeply if I were to have to drag her through the mud. Most importantly I love my two daughters more then life itself and know even though the oldest is 0nly 2-3/4 years old a contested divorce would not be a good thing for them to go through. It is probly the love of my daughters that is keeping the love for my wife alive to some extent. I never thought it could be possible that i could ever want to be friends with one of my X's, let alone my X wife. But because of my kids I want to be best friends with my "soon to be X wife" with every bone of my body. Funny what a love of two daughters can do to a man. Now to get to the point of my letter. Before I go back to my lawyer to pay the retainer I would like to discuss and work out an agreement, on all the points required for a divorce, with my wife. I am hoping that if I can go over everything with my wife beforehand i will be able to present my lawyer with terms that my wife will accept thus reducing the likelyhood of extensive negotions, that could lead to a dispute and then an ugly divorce. I am searching the web right now for ideas , but I still would appreciate any input from the people on this group.My wife is comming over tommorrow to discuss terms and I would like to present these terms to my lawyer on monday. The reason for the rush is that my wife is in an agreeable mood and I want to proceed as far as possible before her mood changes. Rough Knight > hello, > [quoted text clipped - 31 lines] > > Rough Knight Then you need to talk with HER. And let her know how you feel. We don't have the answer - this is something between the two of you. It grieves me to think about your situation, particularly in regards to your young kids. How unfair all of this is to them, and how selfish it really is. I guess you and your s2bx have put that aside - for your "own needs". >> hello, >> [quoted text clipped - 63 lines] > is. I guess you and your s2bx have put that aside - for your "own > needs". Thank you for your reply....although it seems I am having the same problem here as I did in my marriage....a failure to express my true feelings properly. I would do anything to make my marriage work even after my wife cheated on me. The problem is that after only three and 1/2 years of marriage my wife feels it is to late for me to make any ammends even though she acknowledges that I know understand the problems she had been complaining about. She claims the only reason she cheated on me was to get me to agree on the divorce. And now she claims that she never really cheated on me but does not want to reconcile nor does she want to see a counselor I know she is telling the truth, just don't know which statement is true. Thing is now that we have both agreed upon a divorce we seem to be working more as a team then ever before. For resons far to complicated to explain I see a divorce as the only way to save our marriage. My wife is confused,possibly suffering from postpartum depression, the children have become a nusence to her, she wants to go out clubing on the weekends and have her evenings free on the weekdays. I am 42 while my wife is 23. I had noticed many patterns of behavior in my wife that disturbed me durring our marriage. However I had to walk a fine line I was and wanted to be her husband not her father, so I could only guide here by example not be lecture or ultimatums. I want my wife to remain in our childrens lives and I kow she has the potential to be a much better person then she seems to be right now. I am hoping to maintain a friendship with her after the divorce and I hope as a friend I will be able to help her in the ways that I could not as her husband.... and just for your info nothing would please me more then to get married in say 5 years or so to the vey same woman that I am divorcing now. Now getting back to the original question. My wife and I are talking, I just want to make sure that we discuss all the points that are required for a divorce settlement before I see my lawyer again. >>> hello, >>> [quoted text clipped - 102 lines] > talking, I just want to make sure that we discuss all the points that are > required for a divorce settlement before I see my lawyer again. well I have found what I need here is a link to the web site so you can see what I needed perhaps it might help out some lurkers who might have also been interested in the answer to my questions..... believe me I feel your pain. http://www.nvms.us/PDFs/DivSteps.pdf R B said > I am hoping that if I can go over everything with my wife beforehand i will > be able to present my lawyer with terms that my wife will accept thus [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > an agreeable mood and I want to proceed as far as possible before her mood > changes. That is a wise thing to do. The sooner you settle things, the better. In a nutshell, you just want to reach a fair agreement with her. Don't give up the farm or agree to things that will keep you financially destitute for years and years. Figure out the few things that are most important to you and consider everything else expendable. Furniture, clothes, appliances, and other such stuff are replaceable and not worth fighting over. I've discovered you can live without much furniture and be quite happy. Your kids are the major concern. Go for 50/50 custody - it's the right thing to do. Casey > hello, > [quoted text clipped - 31 lines] > > Rough Knight I think it's great that you seem to be steering clear of bitterness and anger right now toward your wife--with young children, it is a huge advantage to be able to have a civil coparenting relationship. What you now describe as "love" may transform into what is probably the best thing you can feel toward an exspouse/coparent: simply "respect." If you want to work out the basics of an agreement with your wife before you consult a lawyer, it will be important to have a basic list of things that need to be considered, so that when you do run the agreement by the lawyer, there won't be surprises to either of you or major things you didn't think of. I'd be sure to discusss: property settlement: how will you deal with the house? retirement accounts? cash accounts? vehicles and their loans? furnishings and other property? credit card and other debt? alimony: is this an issue? child custody: what custody schedule would you like to have? that's the big thing, but there are little things like who does the driving for dropoff and pickups, how to handle holidays, etc. What happens if one parent wants to move? Who will carry the kids on their insurance? How you will split medical bills and other extraordinary expenses? child support: locate your state's child support calculator so you know what the numbers will be. >> hello, >> [quoted text clipped - 59 lines] > child support: locate your state's child support calculator so you know > what the numbers will be. Thank you for yor input and i have found a site that gives me the info that I needed I am posting the link here in case anyone else might need that info http://www.nvms.us/PDFs/DivSteps.pdf Rough knight >>> hello, >>> [quoted text clipped - 64 lines] > that info > http://www.nvms.us/PDFs/DivSteps.pdf While that is a good website and gives information on the steps to a divorce, there are other things besides just the steps that you also need to know. For instance, there are details of an agreement that can make a big difference over the long haul. It could be an advantage to learn from the experience of others here. One thing to keep in mind is that while you might want to (and be able to) maintain a good relationship with your soon to be ex wife, that relationship might change. For instance, what if she decides to remarry? It is pretty common after a divorce for one partner to remarry and then want to move away from the area (sometimes for the new spouse's job, or to live near the new spouse's family, etc). What happens to your custody arrangement then? I bring this up, because many people have found it advantageous to include something along the lines of "the parent who moves away becomes responsible for travel costs for visitation". Also, you might want to consider primary custody in this case - do the kids move with the "leaving parent", or do they stay with the "staying parent"? At least one person on this newsgroup had a custody agreement that stated if one parent moves more than X distance away, full custody automatically goes to the parent that isn't moving. You have to consider this kind of thing now, because it becomes a big deal when the kids are in school. Another thing that people with kids sometimes write into their decree is that if the parent who has custody needs a babysitter, the other parent has "right of first refusal" - in other words, has the option of keeping the kids instead of a sitter. Depending on circumstances, this can increase your time with the kids significantly. It is something to think about. >>>> hello, >>>> [quoted text clipped - 94 lines] > increase your time with the kids significantly. It is something to think > about. Thank you very much for your input Joy, it is exactly what I was looking for and I know that website was very basic, but it did help me to form an outline of the basic points. I have written an agreement based on conversations with my wife, she has since reviewed it and we have negotiated terms and revised the agreement together, so it is now a mutual agreement. Tomorrow I will take this to my lawyer ( if I can get an appointment). My lawyer will translate this agreement into legal terms and hopefully advise me of any pitfalls that might exist. I also plan on printing out the advice you have listed and bringing it to my lawyers attention. If My lawyer recommends that I revise the agreement I will do so . I will then bring it to my wife and explain all the details as truthfully as possible I have no intention of misleading her in any way. That way when her lawyer explains the papers to her she will see that everything means what I said it means. Of course I realize that we may have to negotiate back and forth a few times. I am just hoping that by covering as many bases as I can, and discussing them with my wife before hand I will be able to reduce the amount of negotiations required before a settlement is reached. Rough Knight |
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