Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / August 2006

Maybe some men, instead of being jealous becuz another man made a pass at his
woman AND SHE TURNED IT DOWN, would feel kind of manly, cool and honored to be
able to satisfy this lady so well that she can just turn her back on these
advances from other men.  

See, glass half empty or half full, depending how you look at it.

I do understand that some men enjoy knowing other men "want" their woman as
long as she's his and ONLY his...  It's kind of a compliment to your manhood.
Now, if she's flirting BACK then that's a whole 'nother story, and not a good
one.

Examples of completely different intentions for telling:
Does she say "this sexy hunk of a man winked at me and called me babe today,
dear, he was looking down my blouse, whatcha think of that, hon?"  or is it
more like "you know, a gentleman in the store asked me if i'd like to go to
dinner but i told him thanks but i've got a wonderful boyfriend with whom i am
totally in love... just feel better telling you that.  i'm so lucky to have
you, i don't want or need any other man in the world..."

Another perspective...

Perhaps the mark of a controlling and manipulating woman??? Could this
be the reason that her s2bx husband left?

The first mistake you made was giving her your constant and undivided
attention when she was NOT AVAILABLE - and by that I mean emotionally.
As another poster said, this was a recipe for disaster from the get
go.

Communication is key here. You should have opened a dialogue with her
about this issue. Told her how you felt about it, and asked her
point-blank why she kept telling you this. She may have had no bad
intentions at all. It is possible that the attention of the other men
fed her ego after years of starvation by her s2bx hubby. Only you know
those details. Or should I re-pharse... you should have known those
details!

In my experience, you should never run around after your woman like a
lost puppy all the while declaring your love. It makes you look weak,
and it make you look needy. If your lady gets the idea that she can
toy with you, then she might. Actions do speak louder than words. Do
things that SHOW her you love her. By all means openly say it as PART
of the things you do, but it is NOT necessary to say it 20 times a
day.

Having said that, any woman who would toy with you on an ongoing basis
for her own amusement / ego boost is not, IMHO, worthy of your
company. Further, in a relationship where good lines of communication
exist, the woman should by rights ask you what is wrong with you that
you feel you need to smoother her all the time.

Good communication has to work both ways! ;) And I learned that one
the hard way.

As you will find here, when going through the divorce a person goes
through a grieving process. This is a similar process to the one that
people go through when a close family member dies. To try and get
emotionally involved with a person that has not completed this process
is a risky business, as you have discovered.

You want to date a "hot" friend that you have been likely dieing to
bed down for years? Fine! You want to do it while she is separating
from her husband? Umm.... Not the best idea. You want to do it before
she has completed the grieving process! Well... Fine, but you did so
at your own perril.

Now, in your rush to "scoop" this "hot" friend, you have lost both a
friend and a lover. I hope the sex was worth it.

Don't get me wrong, there is - IMHO - nothing wrong with a roll in the
hay. Just make sure you both realize it is just that - a roll in the
hay, NOT a long-term thing.

Turning to another matter, why would you feel the need to enter into a
relationship with questionable chances of success, and potential
disaterous consequences? What if she had gotten pregnant? If that had
happened, then your a.s would be in a sling right about now! And what
kind of man was her s2bx? Was he the "jealous" type that might just
seek you out and pound you one for sleeping with his wife - even
though they were in the process of divorcing? And this is just off the
top of my head, there are lots of things that could go wrong in this
scenario.

It might be an idea to get some personal counselling to detmine why
you choose bad partners. If you have issues, than you will continue to
choose bad partners until you address your issues. Nothing like being
doomed to repeat your mistakes. You want better future relationships?
Learn to understand yourself better - love yourself first, if you
will. As  you learn about yourself, then you will be able to  better
see the things you don't like and improve them. And, as you improve,
you will begin to attract the kind of women that you really DO want to
be with for the longer term.

Just a thought.

OP writes: "I'd  like to understand the psychology behind the actions.
It may come in
handy in future relationships."

Mary responds: I don't think there is a whole lot to analyse. She was
screwed up and playing head games with you. Jealously is NOT  a healthy
emotion within a relationship - feeling it, or trying to invoke it,
both make a problem. She's probably feeling very insecure about her own
attractiveness, and saw both men hitting on her AND your jealousy as
affirmation. Like I said, way screwed up.

Next time someone does it, ask them why they are telling you. A funny
incredulous story? (like omigod, you can't believe what the old fart
Route 3 bus driver did today, too funny). Asking for help with a jerk?
(How do I handle this coworker, he's really bugging me.) If its all
about making you jealous (i.e. testing you), tell her not to let the
door hit her butt on the way out the door!

Jealousy, possessiveness, lack of trust, totally screwed up stuff, and
NOT something to invoke to try and glue someone to you.  Run away from
game players like her.

Mary

What value is conjecture ?
Why don't you ask her ?

bogey

This would explain much about your befuddlement.  Absent the
benefit of marriage and divorce, you have no idea how berserk
and loony a person can become as a result.  Its possible for
normally sane people to act in ways that are unexpected, even
to themselves for a while.  Its also possible that they were that
way all along, and the divorce only exposed how freaky they are.
=R=

And men do too.But, like I said, only when they're 'advertising'! If
they're in a healthy and committed relationship and still getting 'hit
on' I'd say they are being insulted, bordering on harrassment. I'd
definately be peeved if men were 'hitting on me all the time'!

Hence, the fact that this woman was NOT ready to be in or have a
serious relationship with anyone.

Temily