Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / May 2007

Hi.. I'm what you would call "the other woman". I met him only 2
months ago. He is a 47-yr old man who was fairly recently (4 months
ago, I believe) slapped in the face with divorce papers by his 38-yr
old wife of 17-years. She was 18 years old when they met, 21-years old
when they got married. They have 2 kids, ages 4.5 and 6.5 (boy and
girl). He moved out and lives in his own apartment, she still lives in
the house. They share custody.

When she had filed for divorce and told him (by leaving the papers on
the kitchen counter with a note), he offered to go into counseling.
She refused, not seeing the purpose.
He struggled for a little while and then took off his ring and started
dating. That's when we met.. Though we both understood that we could
be a rebound relationship, we fell fast and hard and started making
furture plans such a travel etc. We connect on ALL levels, very deeply
and both feel like we are very lucky to have met one another as some
couples try for years to achieve the connection we achieved in only 2
months. I met most of his friends, met his parents and brother, he
added me to his gym account, gave me his house key etc.. We decided it
was too ealry to tell the kids, whom he has 50% custody of, so I only
spent the days with him on which he did not have the kids. The otehr
days , we were on the phone multiple times day.
Though our sex life was fantastic, our relationship was about a lot
more than sex.

In one of the many arguments with his wife, he blurted out that she
should not talk to him if it is not with regards to the kids, money or
the divorce since he had moved on and was now in a relationship with
me. She was surprised, but somewhat happy for him.
They fight a lot, and are very angry at one another. Mostly him, for
being "surprised" about the divorce.

The kids, especially the 4.5yr old, is going through hell. He is
regressing, throws temper tantrums, cries inconsolebly, and has also
been making drawings at school showing people with tears and angry
faces. He decided to take the kids to counseling, which she felt was
over-exaggerating, but he invited her to come along to.

They have worked out the custody agreement and have now reached an
agreement through mediation as well. Their house sold last weekend.

There is a lot of pressure from friends and family to try the
counseling. His family is very religious and especially his brother is
pretty much dictating him to go into counseling with her. Their mutual
friends are, of course, also in favor of the counseling...

The past few weeks, she has broken down a couple of times about
wanting him back (not counseling), but he was able to close that
proverbial door after she would tell him a meree hours later that she
was just having a weak moment and now again relaizes she does not feel
for him anymore. Her breakdowns come after speaking with her very
distraught 4.5 yr old son or other stressful events such as showing
the hosue for sale etc...
Last week, though, she asked him to try marital counseling. When asked
by him why, her response is that she missed the kids and the family
life. She tells him clearly that she has no feelings for him anymore.

We talked about this and he feels has simply has to try this as
otherwise he would regret it the rest of his life. I told him amicably
that he should do what he feels is necessary, but that if marital
counseling happens, I would be out of the picture as a love interest.
He struggled another week with that. Finally, he decided that he must
try marital counseling, just to be sure he gave it his best shot and
that there would be no regrets later on.. and he also feels he owes it
to the kids and her. They both acknowledge they did some bad stuff
during the marriage.

In lieu of his decision and refound hope, he invited her to come spend
family time with the kids and him last Sunday. He said he tried and
gave it some effort, but he felt that she was either emotionally
detached and/or non-receptive to his efforts.
Yesterday (Monday), they had their first marital counseling session.
She waltzed in with a long list of issues she feels he has to work on
(condecending, overbearing, angry, manipulative, controlling...). He
walked in empty handed, only with a positive attitude. They fought
most of the time and she, again, told him she was not sure if her
feelings would ever return and that she stopped feeling for him 5
years ago. He also has a long list of issues he feels she has to work
on, going from: passive-aggressiveness, lack of communication,
spending issues, depression etc. She told him she does not even have a
desire anymore to hold his hand. She wants things to go amicably, yet
he is struggling with the finality of the divorce and doesn't think he
can be amicable.
After the session, they grabbed a bite to eat and argued some more in
the restaurant. When they taked about me, she told him she was
surpirsed he had met someone already as she culd not even think yet
about dating someone lese, and candidly threw in she's had many offers
already.
They are fairly amicable in my eyes, not too hateful just very very
anrgy. She also told him that perhaps he should keep dating me as she
could not give him any guarantees... (that is a "no" to me). According
to him, she feels guilty and bad that our relationship is now
stranding in lieu of the marriage counseling.

Before the counseling, she told him that she would try marriage
counseling and that they should have a pretty good idea at the end of
6 months. After the session, they now agreed they would try for 3
months, twice a week. Since the house sold, she will be moving in with
a girlfriend. The first month, they will still share the kids. The
last 2 months, the kids will live with him full-time and she will come
over to help with bathing, morning duties, putting them to sleep,
homework etc... This is her arrangement. She is not stopping the
divorce process.

The reason I know all of the above, is because him & I still talk over
the phone and email. He has told me a few times already that he is not
sure if he made the right decision. I also saw him at his apartment
yesterday evening (picking up some stuff). We hugged, I cried and he
had teary eyes. In the first 10 min, she called on the regular routine
of having him talk to the kids before they go to bed. He did not
excuse himself from me but rather asked his wife if he could call back
in a few. We talked for about 10 min, he asked me to stay so we could
talk some more but that he first needed to call his kids back. He told
his wife I was there to pick up some stuff, she understood and
encouraged this and the kids came on the phone right away. We talked
for another hour or so.
He tells me he's going through an emotional rollercoaster, that he
barely functions at work and that he is struggling. He also told me
that he knows he still has very strong feelings for me and misses me
much etc, but simply needs to give the marital counseling a try as a
last ditch effort, for his sake and the sake of the kids. He says he
is torn between a rock and hard place, and struggles with losing me on
the one hand and accepting the divorce on the other hand.
He feels very guilty for emotionally hurting his young kids and is
missing "the family life" tremendously. On the other hand, it's clear
he feels strongly for me...  yet also has feelings for his wife still.
He feels their issues are very deep-rooted and cannot be resolved in 3
months, but will take years of work. He's not very hopeful the
counseling will work, but strongly feels in his mind and heart he HAS
TO try this and is now fully commited to that. He also wants to spend
time with me (as good friends) and be around me, not necessarily have
sex (since he knows I shut that door tight). We both are leaving the
door at a second chance together cracked open... perhaps the
counseling will not work. In the meantime, he is trying... they have
decided to go to a play this coming Saturday. He suggested maybe we go
to a movie or go for coffee earlier in the day, or on Sunday or so...
I'm having a hard time with that.

Maybe I should forget all about him and move on and try to get over
him, but I have to admit I'm also grasping at the hope that the
counseling may not work. I have no desire to date anyone else just
yet. Though our relationship was only 2 months, we developed a very
deep connection and feel hard for one another. We both feel as though
we met our soulmate...

What is your take on this? Does marriage counseling work?

Thank you much.
H.