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Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / August 2007I feel like I've taken a giant leap backwards...
My son recently moved on campus to begin his college life. He's been gone 1 week now, and I've had 1 email directly from him to both his father and I, and news of him in 4 emails, 3 from his father, 1 from his uncle. As an aside, the emails made me feel jealous, out-of-the- loop, and of little or no consequence (long story). It didn't help that the weekend my son left for college, I spent about 14 hours total in close proximity with his dad (and 3-4 hours in close proximity with the wife and year-old rugrat), so I was completely stressed out by the time I got home Sunday afternoon. For the last 4 years, my son has been the only person I've had to talk to here at the house, and then only half the time -- well, the only one who talked back anyway. The cat is a good listener but not much for conversation. Now that he isn't around, the monotony of the aloneness seems daunting. It's not like I talked to my son about all of my innermost thoughts and feelings. In fact, we probably spent more time talking about his day and what was going on with him than with me. So I'm not sure what my problem is. Since his dad and I moved him into the dorm last Sunday, I feel like I'm in a big eddy, heading down a drain. I have a lot of things I need to be doing around here, but can't seem to find the energy or inclination to do any of them. Not sure what any of you can do. I know some of you will give me a good verbal kick in the tail. Others will recommend I see a therapist and get meds. Maybe I just needed to "talk" and vent stuff, in which case, I thank you all for listening. -- Barbara Sz. > My son recently moved on campus to begin his college life. He's been > gone 1 week now, and I've had 1 email directly from him to both his [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > and get meds. Maybe I just needed to "talk" and vent stuff, in which > case, I thank you all for listening. -- Barbara Sz. Or...you can just email me directly for a little chatting, since I have way more time to communicate without my gf in my life anymore. My email is valid, go for it if you want. >Or...you can just email me directly for a little chatting, since I >have way more time to communicate without my gf in my life anymore. My >email is valid, go for it if you want Well, I get ASD via google groups, so all the email addresses are truncated and I don't know how to untruncate them. Mine is good also if you get all of it and if you don't, it's bszalkowski at stcl dot edu. Thanks! -- Barbara Sz. > My son recently moved on campus to begin his college life. > He's been gone 1 week now, and I've had 1 email directly [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > the wife and year-old rugrat), so I was completely stressed > out by the time I got home Sunday afternoon. <snip? So, you're in transition to an empty-nester. Its an unwanted but entirely natural change in your lifestyle. Why not look at it and an opportunity to redefine your life. "One man's ceiling is another man's floor" (Paus Simon). You could take up a new hobby that will put you in touch with a whole new set of folks, like... Ham Radio. Amateur radio operators communicate with friends, family members, and complete strangers around the world, and often support their communities in emergencies or disasters. An estimated six million people in the world are regularly involved with amateur radio. (Wikipedia). Okay, that's a bit esoteric. But there are plenty of other hobbies that must have fans in your community. =R= >My son recently moved on campus to begin his college life. He's been >gone 1 week now, and I've had 1 email directly from him to both his [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] >and get meds. Maybe I just needed to "talk" and vent stuff, in which >case, I thank you all for listening. -- Barbara Sz. Barbara... This does all sound like the "normal" process of transitioning to that empty nest. I used the quotation marks because "normal" is not the same thing as "painless"... I think it's entirely reasonable that you should be feeling the way you do under the circumstances of your life right now. However, that said, there's no particular reason that you need to just succumb to that feeling. And it seems to me that you've already mentioned some of the steps you can take... it's good to "'talk' and vent stuff". And as others have suggested, using this as an opportunity to try new things is also a good step. The "therapist and get meds" brand of suggestion is not without merit as well. Although personally, I've begun to suspect that the company of good people along with moderate excercise and a decent diet is as helpful as anything. <grin> Also, The Love of My Life swears by St. John's wort, which she regularly prescribes for *me*. It seems to work... either that or the fact that it's *her* who's administering it... rj >This does all sound like the "normal" process of transitioning to that >empty nest. I used the quotation marks because "normal" is not the >same thing as "painless"... Well, you know, I think I'd be having a better time with this if I weren't getting regular reports from everyone except my son... Sunday Aug 19 - got an email from my son's uncle (his father's brother), who is president of the alumni association and reported on matriculation (he was one of the 4 speakers). Tuesday Aug 21 am - got an email from my ex. Who spent a pleasant Monday night with my son earning them beaucoups points for their scavenger hunt. Tuesday Aug 21 pm - Ex reported getting a text message from my son reporting that his advisory group won the scavenger hunt, due in no small part to his father's contribution (son's words as reported by ex) Tuesday Aug 21 night - finally got an email from son to both his dad and I about his major choice and some other things. It wasn't nearly newsy enough for me but it was something Today Aug 27 - got an email from ex. Son went to church at his home church (walking distance from the university) and ex had a chance to chat with him over lunch and reported on the conversation. Ex also went to son's room later to drop off desktop computer since laptop computer ex ordered for son is backordered until after Labor Day (of course, ex waited until Aug 10-11 to order the darn thing so what did he expect?) OK, I have heard of my son, but I have not heard much from my son. His dad, on the other hand, is up to his eyebrows in knowing what's going on with my son. As the last 4 years have been, I, still and yet, feel as though I'm on the outside of my son's life, looking in. I answered my son's email on Tuesday and sent him another short email since then with a bit of news, but otherwise have not tried to harass him. I can't help being horribly jealous. Which is not the same as empty- nest syndrome. And no amount of time-filling hobbies or people or walks or whatever are going to change that. -- Barbara Sz. > I can't help being horribly jealous. Which is not the same as empty- > nest syndrome. And no amount of time-filling hobbies or people or > walks or whatever are going to change that. -- Barbara Sz. I think you're trying too hard to find the negative, and it's working exceptionally well. A person can only find what they are looking for.  SignaturePosted via a free Usenet account from http://www.teranews.com > Well, you know, I think I'd be having a better time with this if > I weren't getting regular reports from everyone except my son... > I can't help being horribly jealous. Which is not the same as > empty-nest syndrome. And no amount of time-filling hobbies > or people or walks or whatever are going to change that. ------------- You are right. Its terribly unfair and you should feel slighted. The whole set-up stinks, but I doubt that there's not much you can do about it. You could contact your son and ask to him to write you regularly. I did that with my folks when I went away to college, but it may have annoyed them, as I got a letter saying that, while it was nice hearing from me, I should spend more time pursuing new interests, or something to that effect. These mundane daily reports may be comforting, but at some point, he needs to be freed to discover and develop an life of his own, apart from parental units. There should be months when he's off doing stuff or pursuing interests that his family knows nothing about. Rest assured that if anything important happens, or he needs money, you will hear from him. =R= >>This does all sound like the "normal" process of transitioning to that >>empty nest. I used the quotation marks because "normal" is not the [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] >nest syndrome. And no amount of time-filling hobbies or people or >walks or whatever are going to change that. -- Barbara Sz. I think the response I just made to Tab is very similar to what I'd tell you, so I won't repeat myself. Barb It sounds like your son goes to school near you - so, how about you put together a "care package" for your son, and arrange to meet him for lunch or supper and hand it over? I've got a kid who just moved back on campus myself, and I can tell you she's pretty happy to have a parental delivery service. Maybe pack up a batch of brownies, or drop off a box with his favorite snacks or any other misc item? (sez the person who just delivered two small pillows and the red rug). You probably shouldn't do this every day or anything, but a once-in-a-while cookie delivery might do you both good. (I occasionally make up a big batch of chili for my kid and several of her friends.) >>This does all sound like the "normal" process of transitioning to that >>empty nest. I used the quotation marks because "normal" is not the [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > nest syndrome. And no amount of time-filling hobbies or people or > walks or whatever are going to change that. -- Barbara Sz. > It sounds like your son goes to school near you - so, how about you put > together a "care package" for your son, and arrange to meet him for lunch or [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > good. (I occasionally make up a big batch of chili for my kid and several > of her friends.) I'm trying not to be a pest. My office is less than 4 miles from campus I figure if he wanted anything/needed me, I'd hear from him. Of course, when I don't, I feel like he doesn't want anything/need me. I did get an email from him tonight. Well, his father and I got the schedule report from him tonight. I wrote back and asked him if he could write me a personal note and say "hi mom" or something once in awhile. I know, a bit much, but c'mon, I'm his mom! Anyway, I feel better having heard from him. He sounds good, and it sounds as though he and his roommate are very compatible. I am basking in the glow of having scored a 12-year-old 27" used TV from a colleague that is apparently the hit of the floor and the gamers. So, I'm feeling better. What little it takes. -- Barbara Sz. >> It sounds like your son goes to school near you - so, how about you put >> together a "care package" for your son, and arrange to meet him for lunch [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > I'm trying not to be a pest. My office is less than 4 miles from > campus I figure if he wanted anything/needed me, I'd hear from him. I'm sure you would! Truth is, they really are pretty independent at this age. However, they hardly ever mind a pan of brownies to share with their friends! I don't pester mine, either - but don't hesitate to send the occasional e-mail - for instance, last week I e-mailed and asked if she liked her new classes, and forwarded some family news. I don't think of that as being a pest. I'm pretty sure you could call him (or ask him to call) once a week without being a pest, too. > Anyway, I feel better having heard from him. He sounds good, and it > sounds as though he and his roommate are very compatible. I am basking > in the glow of having scored a 12-year-old 27" used TV from a > colleague that is apparently the hit of the floor and the gamers. LOL! I bet it was! So, > I'm feeling better. What little it takes. -- Barbara Sz. >> It sounds like your son goes to school near you - so, how about you put >> together a "care package" for your son, and arrange to meet him for lunch or [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] >colleague that is apparently the hit of the floor and the gamers. So, >I'm feeling better. What little it takes. -- Barbara Sz. LOL... All sounds good! At that stage of life, along with his official major subject, he'll also be majoring in "independence". So the trick for you is to be proactive without being a pest, and it sounds as though you've started well. Given the proximity of his campus, the occasional "batch of chili" or "batch of brownies" is the way to go. And an email now and then, too. <grin> And don't be surprised if he's not as prompt in answering as you'd like. And don't worry... if he *really* needs something, you'll hear from him. rj >> It sounds like your son goes to school near you - so, how about you put >> together a "care package" for your son, and arrange to meet him for lunch [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > could write me a personal note and say "hi mom" or something once in > awhile. I know, a bit much, but c'mon, I'm his mom! I don't think it's a single bit out of line to ask. > Anyway, I feel better having heard from him. He sounds good, and it > sounds as though he and his roommate are very compatible. I am basking > in the glow of having scored a 12-year-old 27" used TV from a > colleague that is apparently the hit of the floor and the gamers. So, > I'm feeling better. What little it takes. -- Barbara Sz. Cool. SignaturePosted via a free Usenet account from http://www.teranews.com Normal, normal, normal. Can't "cure" normal. Don't overthink this thing. > My son recently moved on campus to begin his college life. He's been > gone 1 week now, and I've had 1 email directly from him to both his [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > and get meds. Maybe I just needed to "talk" and vent stuff, in which > case, I thank you all for listening. -- Barbara Sz. > Normal, normal, normal. Can't "cure" normal. Don't overthink this > thing. Agreed. I think sometimes that maybe I was "fortunate" in that my kids were at that stage at the same time as my divorce, so I went through that crap all at once. If I had a suggestion, it would be "take a walk". >> My son recently moved on campus to begin his college life. He's been >> gone 1 week now, and I've had 1 email directly from him to both his [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] >> and get meds. Maybe I just needed to "talk" and vent stuff, in which >> case, I thank you all for listening. -- Barbara Sz. SignaturePosted via a free Usenet account from http://www.teranews.com Right. I'm not sure there really is such a thing as "normal". I'm beginning to have a few doubts. > Normal, normal, normal. Can't "cure" normal. Don't overthink this > thing. [quoted text clipped - 27 lines] >> and get meds. Maybe I just needed to "talk" and vent stuff, in which >> case, I thank you all for listening. -- Barbara Sz. On Aug 26, 10:46 am, "Bill in Co." <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > Right. > I'm not sure there really is such a thing as "normal". I'm beginning to > have a few doubts. Like the Tshirt says, "I was normal once. I lay down til the feeling went away." I can relate to that. >My son recently moved on campus to begin his college life. He's been >gone 1 week now, and I've had 1 email directly from him to both his [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] >and get meds. Maybe I just needed to "talk" and vent stuff, in which >case, I thank you all for listening. -- Barbara Sz. HI Barbara, I went thru a bout of this myself a couple of years ago. I fact, I think I even posted something I'd written about it here. As everyone else has already said, all of this is very normal. And perhaps having your son around was a way to keep the thoughts about the rest of your life tucked neatly away. This is an excellent time, though, to really think about where you are. If it's not what you want it to be, what are some baby steps you can take to change that? Perhaps taking a class at a local community college; if films appeal to you, volunteering for a local indies or world cinema group (I can almost guarantee there'd be such a group in Houston), who are always in need of people who can help. Much of it behind the scenes, if you're more comfortable with that. What helped me get through the worst of this stage was visiting my son in his new home and recognizing how competent he was in setting everything up the way he wanted it, organizing his finances and getting the bills paid, etc. It made me realize just how ready he was for independence, and how at least a part of that was a credit to my help in preparing him for it. I sort of said good-bye to my role as the mother of a dependent and started learning how to be the parent of an adult. It's been a wonderful adventure. By the way, I've not seen my pride and joy since early June. He's been off in California, serving an internship with the National Forest Service as an unpaid flunky for all the work they need done in the wilderness area outside Sequoia National Forest. He'll be home sometime Labor Day week-end -- and I'm counting the hours! He may be grown up but he's still my darling boy and I miss him when he's not around. Barb Barb I think you are just experiencing the empty nester thing that all parents go through - you are used to having him around, someone to do for, to talk to, to worry about, and now he's launched on his own life - he may come back, but likely on a permanent basis. So....of course this is going to be a big adjustment - sounds like you WERE very dependent on him as a sounding board. You now have to find a new center and purpose, as you move into this next phase of life. It won't happen overnight - it will take some adjustment, and change in habits on your part (i.e. you need to rebuild your social life, rekindle some friendships, focus on things you like to do). Its a HUGE change. Mary G. > My son recently moved on campus to begin his college life. He's been > gone 1 week now, and I've had 1 email directly from him to both his [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > and get meds. Maybe I just needed to "talk" and vent stuff, in which > case, I thank you all for listening. -- Barbara Sz. Barbara, I am going throught the same thing with my daughter. Even though she was out a lot with her friends, I still miss her greatly. Seeing her bedroom door open in the morning just seems strange. And, she doesn't have time to talk to me when I call or text or IM. Her college is only an hour away, so I am hoping that I'll see her next weekend. I feel your pain... Elisa > My son recently moved on campus to begin his college life. He's been > gone 1 week now, and I've had 1 email directly from him to both his [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > and get meds. Maybe I just needed to "talk" and vent stuff, in which > case, I thank you all for listening. -- Barbara Sz. Barb- You're being too hard on yourself! You are suffering with depression, a natural consequence to change and especially change where you suffer the loss of fellowship with someone you love. The sense of loneliness, be adrift, is naturally going to follow when you lose an active participant in it. He is where he belongs, in school, and you are where you belong, in your own life. Allow yourself the time to grieve the change and then consider ways in which you can form new friendships or join clubs where you can begin to pursue hobbies or interests you enjoy. Nothing is going to replace your son, but certainly his absence will inspire positive change in your life if you let it. It's all about how we respond then, isn't it!? Hang in there, doll ... Tab |
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