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Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / September 2007Son vs. Girlfriend
I'm in the final stages of getting divorced, after being separated for 3 years. My girlfriend (seeing her 1 year) invited me to go on a 16- day wildnerness trip next fall with her and some friends. It just so happens that the trip is at the exact same time that my son will be starting his first year of college, out of state. There are other potential times for the trip, but that's the time that my GF and her friends want to go. While I don't know the specific plans for sending my son off to school, I've told her that I can't be unavailable for my son to contact during that time. I want to be able to communicate with him, whether there's exciting stuff for him to tell me, or if he's having some problems he wants to discuss. Therefore, I feel that going on a wilderness trip, out of phone contact, is out of the question. I've asked my GF about switching the trip to a different time, but she has gotten very mad at me, saying that I'm being overprotective of my son, that he will be fine, and she wants me to be flexible and do the trip when she wants to go. I feel that this is a very important event in my son's life and that I need to be available to him. If the trip was two weeks later or two weeks sooner I'd have no problem. This has quickly grown into a very big issue in my relationship with my GF. Please let me know if you think I'm being reasonable about this, or whether I'm being overprotective. Thanks, ibmoments >I'm in the final stages of getting divorced, after being separated for >3 years. My girlfriend (seeing her 1 year) invited me to go on a 16- [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] >Thanks, >ibmoments If you're uncomfortable about going, you'll be worried and miserable and not enjoy the trip anyway. Yet, if you sit home knowing you're missing the trip and your son doesn't contact or need you at all (which is a possibility) you might wish you'd gone. Welcome to my world. :-) It's been 3 years since mine has moved away and i got over that feeling of needing to be available at any time. Except last week when he had oral surgery, it was very hard not being there. I called and checked on him often, kept waking the poor guy up. My mom says it's still that way for her and i'm 50! Letting go is hard, and there are no exact answers. Listen to your gut. My bf-turned-husband had to put up with my worries, irrational and otherwise, and he helped me a lot. Ask your girlfriend to listen to your feelings and fears instead of getting angry at you. Who will get the maddest, and whose disappointment is more important to you? And will your son even care? Not clear on the exact overlap, like will you still be able to drop him off at the dorm or his new apartment -- I wouldn't miss that for anything but death. - Saul > I'm in the final stages of getting divorced, after being separated for > 3 years. My girlfriend (seeing her 1 year) invited me to go on a 16- [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > Thanks, > ibmoments > [W]ill you still be able to drop him off at the dorm or his > new apartment -- I wouldn't miss that for anything but death. My step-mom (who's guts I hated) drove me to the dorm and helped cart stuff in. My father was othewise occupied. I really didn't really care, as I was 100% preoccupied with getting set up and fitting in. I considered my folks to be both irrelevant and a bit of a nuisance to me in those days (except for money). The OP should talk to his kid about this. He'll prob'ly discover that his availability or lack thereof is far less important to the kid than the OP might think. =R= > > [W]ill you still be able to drop him off at the dorm or his > > new apartment -- I wouldn't miss that for anything but death. [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > that his availability or lack thereof is far less important to the kid > than the OP might think. =R= Ask your kid if he cares and he'll say, "Nope." What I'd be upset about is the gf trying to manipulate me with her anger. The proper response from from you should be: "Look, dear, if you schedule it during this timeframe, I might not make it because I plan to take Jr off to college." Her response should be, "Oh, okay. Well, we'll leave room open for either option. When it gets closer to time we can talk about it then. We're talking a YEAR away, so plenty of time to change things around." Or, her response should be, "Oh, okay. Let me talk to the girls about moving it back a week." Rather than, "I am NOT going to reschedule based on YOUR needs. If you can't make it during THIS time, then I'll have to be really, really, ~really~ mad at you, and hopefully you'll stop making me mad by giving in to my demands." - Saul > > > [W]ill you still be able to drop him off at the dorm or his > > > new apartment -- I wouldn't miss that for anything but death. [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > What I'd be upset about is the gf trying to manipulate me with her > anger. Me too. And simply caving in to her commands to avoid her anger would be an unhealthy (co-dependent?) response. T > The proper response from from you should be: "Look, dear, if you > schedule it during this timeframe, I might not make it because I plan [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > > - Saul Overlap is that the first day of school is right smack in the middle of the trip. I don't know what the logistics would be of dropping him off yet. The part of this that I don't feel comfortable with is not even being available by phone. I'm also a little miffed that my GF and her friends zeroed in on this particular date without talking to me, and my GF won't even discuss other possible dates. It seems like it's become a "test" now. As far as whose disappointment is more important to me, that's a tough call, and I know I'm not the first to get caught between thinking about their child and their new significant other. Maybe the differentiator is the responsibility I feel for my son. - ibmoments > Who will get the maddest, and whose disappointment is more important to you? > [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > - Show quoted text - >Overlap is that the first day of school is right smack in the middle >of the trip. I don't know what the logistics would be of dropping him [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] >about their child and their new significant other. Maybe the >differentiator is the responsibility I feel for my son. I think your girlfriend is being unreasonable. Does she have children of her own? Because I can simply not imagine a situation where my SO would be angry with me because of something this momentous in my son's life -- nor I with him over similar situations in his kids' lives. You can take this trip any time. Your son only goes away to college for the first time once. Like you, I'd want to be there, if not intimately involved in the move. Barb No, she doesn't have children of her own. - ibmoments > I think your girlfriend is being unreasonable. Does she have children > of her own? Because I can simply not imagine a situation where my SO [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > Barb I would have a major problem with any significant other who made something like this into a major "test" or struggle for who gets the upper hand - particularly where my children are involved. In fact, someone doing what your girlfriend is currently doing would be a deal breaker - it bodes not well for the relationship in general. Its just a trip - why is she freighting this like its a do or die? Your kid comes first - starting college is a major milestone, you don't have the details worked out yet in terms of what might be needed from you to support/help him, and you have every right to expect understanding and flexibility from her. M > Overlap is that the first day of school is right smack in the middle > of the trip. I don't know what the logistics would be of dropping him > off yet. The part of this that I don't feel comfortable with is not > even being available by phone. To make a decision like this, it isn't necessary that your son need you, really - if helping your son move into his dorm is an important milestone/transition for *you*, then that's reason enough to want to do it. For some of us, it matters that we've at least seen the room our kids live in. Besides, there's something nice in being able to say say "hey, looks like you need a shower curtain/rug/ink cartridges/microwave popcorn/ etc, lets go pick it up", or even checking out the Indian buffet next to campus together. Students like when their parents pay :-) > I'm also a little miffed that my GF and her friends zeroed in on this > particular date without talking to me, and my GF won't even discuss > other possible dates. It seems like it's become a "test" now. Yes, it would have been nice if they'd talked to you before setting that particular date. Just throwing out some different ways to look at it, in hopes that this helps, could it be that one or more of her friends have some valid reason for wanting this particular timeslot, and she already agreed to it - so she may feel she'd lose face somehow if she has to say to her friend "hey, I know you wanted to do it then because of your schedule, but ibmoments wants to change it since juniors school schedule is really more important than your project (or whatever the driving force is) so you have to accomodate juniors school schedule"?. Also, it wasn't clear - you mentioned this was a group of your GF's friends - is your GF the only one inviting a significant other, or are the others in the group bringing theirs along? If you'd be the only significant other, I can see that changing the dynamics. I can't tell you what to do, but speaking only for myself if I were in the same circumstances I'd go with helping your son. I'd also let your son know you're excited for him, and looking forward to helping him haul his stuff in, and offer to make a WalMart run for any incidentals you discover he needs when you get there. (There WILL be incidentals :-) Let your GF know you're disappointed, and if something happens to shift the schedule you'd love to come. Then let it go... > Overlap is that the first day of school is right smack in the middle > of the trip. I don't know what the logistics would be of dropping him [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > about their child and their new significant other. Maybe the > differentiator is the responsibility I feel for my son. I think you need to ask yourself if this is the one. If she is not and you are pretty certain of that, just tell her what you are going to do. Worst case, she comes back and dumps you because you chose your son over her. Move on. Lots of fish in the ocean and all. If you think that she is "the one" ask yourself whether you want someone who is so unyielding and unwilling to even try to compromise. She doesn't seem like a nice person from your description. Now multiply that by the next 40 years or whatever. Do what is right for you. T > - ibmoments > [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > > > > - Show quoted text - > I'm in the final stages of getting divorced, after being separated for > 3 years. My girlfriend (seeing her 1 year) invited me to go on a 16- [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > Thanks, > ibmoments Dump her I think you already know the answer to this question. Imagine the future with this princess brat. Your son gets married and has kids, who is she going to want you to put first? Sounds like more trouble than it is worth. I am guessing she doesn't have kids right? And if you should marry her and have a kid with her, your other kid won't stand a chance. And to answer your question, you are not being over protective. You are making yourself available as a father in case your kid needs you. Not unreasonable for the first time being away and starting college. Think about all he might go through or the trouble he might get into if he doesn't have someone he can count on. > I'm in the final stages of getting divorced, after being separated for > 3 years. My girlfriend (seeing her 1 year) invited me to go on a 16- [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > Thanks, > ibmoments > Please let me know if you think I'm being reasonable about this, or > whether I'm being overprotective. As much as her view regarding you being overly protective towards your son's starting his first year has some validity; your desire to be accessible to him is understandable. Where I think you're wrong is "asking her to reschedule to accommodate you." Besides, at this stage you shouldn't expect her to make your son her priority or expect her and her friends to reschedule. Just let her go with her friends and drop the subject.  SignatureSD:) "Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.(A.E.)" My disclaimer: I can say, but can't make you see...(S.D.) > Please let me know if you think I'm being reasonable about this, or > whether I'm being overprotective. You're not being over-protective, you're smothering your son. Don't you remember what it was like when you started college? I wanted my mom out of the dorm ASAP. My dad came down a month later with some furniture, wanted to hang out a bit afterwards. I sidled him back in the van pronto, and he was a cool dad, no embarrassment at all. My recollection is that 90% of my classmates had the same attitude. Three years later, when I had a load of froshies dropped in my lap as a dorm parent, only one of them had adjustment problems that required parental intervention--and that was a very unusual situation. The rest went screaming out the door to party. Your son will be fine. I appreciate all of your responses very much so far. I find it kind of amusing that of the two people that basically said "don't worry about your son, go on the rafting trip", one of them still seems pissed off at his dad and stepmom after all these years, and the other one had his mom bring him to school. Just to make one thing clear, I have no intention of smothering my son or expecting that I'll need to do a "parental intervention". In fact, like I mentioned, I don't even know what the logistics of getting to school are gonna be, and what my STBX is gonna do versus what I'm gonna do. When I went to college, my parents didn't take me there, they simply put me on an airplane and that was that. And I was fine. But I called them to share both the good and the upsetting stuff during that transition in my life. Frankly, if my son needs to talk with me about something for 5 minutes during that 16 days that I would have been on the wilderness trip, then I'll be damn glad I'm not on the trip! - ibmoments How about a little Technology to the Rescue! You can use a Satellite phone! http://www.telestarsatellite.com/ You can rent one of these puppies, and you will NEVER be out of reach as long as you are within the satelite foot-print. You could arrange a mutually conveinient time when your sone could call, or you could call him. This way, you wont hold up the group while hiking. HTH! >I'm in the final stages of getting divorced, after being separated for >3 years. My girlfriend (seeing her 1 year) invited me to go on a 16- [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] >Thanks, >ibmoments Have there been similar situations with this GF where she feels threatened by the time you spend with your son? I had a past relationship like that in the past and it didn't get better. Go with your gut feel. It's usually right b. |
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