Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / July 2009

Jack i feel your pain, i am in the exact boat as you. i read your note
and felt it was my own story.  We have been married for 14 years and i
have two boys soon to be 10 and 5.  My wife has told me see feels lost
and neglected for the last two year, she claims we have nothing in
common exept the kids and would like her space.  We are living in the
same house,  i hug and kiss her and tell i love almost every day and
get very little response back.  I tell it has been very diffcult for
me.  I am also getting counseling with out my wife so has declined.

When a women turns cold, it's over. Much like my X, when they make up
there mind you need to go. It sucks that women are such self centered
c.nts & put them selves b4 there children, but they do. Get out, it
gets MUCH better down the road.Nothing you can do about the kids other
than be there when they need you.

-------------------
IMHO, it woud be far better for the kids to have a father who is
mentally healthy, rather than sad, lonely and depressed, and from
here, it looks like the only way for that to happen is for you to get
the hell out of this marriage and move on with your life.  IOW, do
it for the sake of your own sanity and you'll be doing it for them,
as well.

However, this does not mean walking out of the house.  It may
have to be sold, or one of you may want to buy out the other's
share, but whatever you do, do not leave without a written and
signed property settlement agreement.  Possession may not be
9-10ths of the law... but its certainly a major advantage.  =R=

Hello,
It sounds exactly like my life, except my girls are14 & 16.  I
definetly agree with the other advice given so far. I have been doing
a lot of reading on wehter it is better for kids to stay in marriages
like this or have divorced parents. To me that is the most importsnt
thing - how are the kids best off. Mine is a high conflict marriage in
a verbal emotional sense - no violence. I am coming to the conclusion
that they would be best off if we seperated. I believe my wife may
have someminor mental problems but she is unwilling to go see the
counsloer that I am seeing to work on anything. I feel your pain. A
book that I have read that REALLY helped is "too good to leave - too
bad to stay" It really gives a clear picture of what makes for a
rewarding happy marriage - but it does give divorce as a bit to easy
of an option for my taste. It would have definetly said that "I should
go" but I told myself I need to give it a little more of an effort
first...........which hasnt been working, but at least I wont think I
didnt give it  agood shot after seeking help. If your mate is not
willing to work on it too how far can you go in making things better.

Best of luck,
DKC

I agree with what the others wrote. I'm nearing what will hopefully be the
end of my divorce process. My wife "found religion" 7 years ago and
everything went to hell. Since I didn't belong to her little cult, I didn't
count. She stopped taking the pill without telling me so she could get
pregnant (we both agreed no more children as the girls were 17 and 19 at that
time) and hid it until she started to show, then presented it as if it was a
surprise. Took me 3 years to get her to admit that she stopped taking birth
control pills. She then quit her job without letting me know she was going to
do so, leaving me as sole provider for her two girls (hers from a previous
marriage that I raised since the early 90's), herself, me, and my new son.
For 7 years I was nothing more than a wallet. Spent probably four or five
days a month in hotels because I'd get so pissed and fed up with her that I
just had to get out of the house.  Sometimes it was for a week at a time.

I stuck it out for 7 years because I believed in "for better or for worse".
And I still do. Problem is that it only works when both people are part of
the marriage. I was stupid and hung around when I should not have kept
trying. I even kicked her out of the house for 13 months back in 2001/2002
when all this first started, and before we had my son. Part of the agreeing
to let them return was that the behavior would change. And it was that first
couple weeks she did the birth control thing - shows how long her promise to
me lasted...

Unfortunately I was too much the "I won't leave, I'll keep trying to make it
work" idiot. Imagine my surprise when, the end of June, I come home and find
all her sh.t gone, some furniture, and my son missing. *SHE* divorced *ME*
when all she got was 3 years of not working so she could stay at home with
our son, me paying off over 20 grand of her previous marriage debt that she
was left with after her first divorce, and me just having spent $5000 this
summer to get her out of a full sized Chevy Venture van she bought *when she
wasn't working* because she wanted something larger, and bought it without
telling me, got screwed in the deal, and was way upside down in what it was
worth / what she owed.

Beleive me, the best gift you can give your twins is the gift of good
relationships. They will learn from what you do, whether it's a bad
relationship with your current wife, or a future good relationship with
someone else. Don't saddle them with thinking that what you're going through
is OK, since that won't help them when it comes time for them to have
relationships of their own. Let them see what a real relationship is. And if
you don't have one for a while, let them see that it's *OK* to be living
without a spouse as well. Anything is a better option than showing them that
what you have now is acceptable.

I feel for you, since I know just how bad it can be. Fortunately for me, my
wife had a psychotic episode in March and the police came and took her away
in a straight jacket and involuntarily committed her to a mental health
facility for a month. She came back on medications and was the same old
person i knew before all the sh.t happened, but of course she stopped taking
the meds and went right back to being the cuntrag again. But that gave me the
leverage I needed so that she didn't try to screw me over financially or for
my son... Unfortunately, it wasn't quite enough for me to get full custody
since her shrink (who goes to the same church she does) says she's perfectly
healthy (even though I have entries from her diary photocopied that said she
still hears voices and can't differentiate between the good and the bad). So
for now I have to settle for 50/50 custody and placement...

Sorry, sidetracked. Still pisses me off that I hung around for so long. I
keep journal entries, and looking back for 7 years now, nearly ever entry for
the entire 7 years mentioned something about how I should just get the f.ck
out. I never did. Don't wait. Don't waste any more years of your life. Time
is too precious and too sparse, don't waste it on someone like her. Do
yourself and the kids a favor and just take the plunge, because if things are
this bad, it'll happen at some point anyway - do it on your own terms in your
own time so that you don't regret three years from now not having done it
sooner.

best of luck for you and the twins.  keep us posted.