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Family Forum / Marriage / Divorce / July 2009divorce questions
Hi Everybody, Out of the blue my wife comes to me and wants to be separated. It was a surprise to be but she is serious. She is moving back to her parents house. We have only been married about 11 months. She claims that she is afraid of me and that I am abusive when I know that I am not. There was an incident that happened about 4 months ago where she threw a book at my head and then I pushed her slightly. But this was 4 months ago and we have seemed to be doing good since. Two weeks ago we even went on a long weekend get away and never argued. Everything seemed fine. I have a feeling she is having an affair as she has said some strange things like that I put a ring on her finger just to claim her for myself and that other guys she knows at school looked really disappointed when they saw the ring. She also said that she has some feelings for a particular guy at school and I think she might be having an affair with him. This is the same guy she liked before we got married. Another thing is last night I stayed at a hotel and came home this morning about 11am but it looks like she hadn't stayed at our place last night - as the shower had not been used, the bed was made perfectly ( the housekeeper is the only one that makes the bed and the housekeeper does not work today ). Anyways I'm started to make sure she does not have access to my assets as a first step. I was pretty well off before the marriage and we have only been married 11 months. What portion of my assets would the court award - what is the chance they go after my assets from before the marriage, even if it is my fault ? Also should I hire a private detective to try to catch her in the affair I suspect ? What should I do about my assets. I am worried about my 401k - the vast majority of it was accumulated before the wedding - I'm am worried she will go for 1/2 of it. Basically what should I be doing at this point ? Thanks. > Out of the blue my wife comes to me and wants to be separated. > It was a surprise to be but she is serious. She is moving back to [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > the wedding - I'm am worried she will go for 1/2 of it. Basically > what should I be doing at this point ? The very first thing you should do is see an attorney who is able to give you expert answers to these questions, 'cuz anything said here is half-assed armchair quarterbacking. But generally, and this may vary in your state... In such a S-T marriage, your assets (or their market-value) at the time of your wedding are likely to be out-of-reach, as long as you did not make her a joint-account owner add her name to a deed or title, which may be construed as a gift of a 1/2 undivided interest. Any increase in the value or addition made after your wedding is fair-game, regardless of how its titled or held. In many states, "fault" is not an issue, except that it can be used in some to deny claims for alimony (in a marriage of less than 12 mos, alimony is rarely an issue). Some states still retain the concept of fault, but only as a reason to waive a waiting period. > > Out of the blue my wife comes to me and wants to be separated. > > It was a surprise to be but she is serious. She is moving back to [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > 12 mos, alimony is rarely an issue). Some states still retain the > concept of fault, but only as a reason to waive a waiting period. What's the time frame to file for an annulment instead of a divorce? Is it one year? I'd be checking with the attorney on the angle that she's played a fraud game to rip you off. If you had a kid with her that drastically changes everything. > > > Out of the blue my wife comes to me and wants to be separated. > > > It was a surprise to be but she is serious. She is moving back to [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > > If you had a kid with her that drastically changes everything. My investments have not performed that well since the marriage. There is not much gain to split right now. Her parents are very skeptical about her wanted to get a divorce, and at this point I don't even want to be married to someone like this. We have no kids which is great. I am playing some hardball now - I have installed a stealth keyboard logger on the computer that she uses. I'm hoping she stops by the house to use the computer and I can get her passwords and hopefully can get evidence of an affair. We also have a joint credit card - I am thinking of canceling it. A keylogger is a clever idea, but it is illegal (just so that you know). You need to hire a lawyer. SD > We have no kids which is great. I am playing some hardball > now - I have installed a stealth keyboard logger on the computer > that she uses. I'm hoping she stops by the house to use the > computer and I can get her passwords and hopefully can > get evidence of an affair. We also have a joint credit card - > I am thinking of canceling it. Credit cards are usually not "joint," in that although two cards may be issued, customarily only one party fills out the application, signs it, and asks for a 2nd-card for an authorized-user. If she is the authorized-user and the account is in your name, cancel the account immediately. If you are the authorized user, you are not liable for any sum except your own charges. OTOH, if the CC was issued in connection with a joint bank account, its the bank account that needs to be closed. You do not necessarily need to "hire" a lawyer, but you should consult one to get a better idea of where you stand. Often, the parties can reach an agreement w/o lawyers (its much cheaper that way) and process their own divorce /pro se/... You could check with the clerk of court (domestic relations or family law department) for a set of forms/instructions. Its what my wife+I with an 18-yr. marriage did. We were filed+done in 100 days. BTW, annulments require a showing of an intentional fraud or incapacity to marry at the time of the wedding... not an easy standard to meet. the time of the wedding >> > > Out of the blue my wife comes to me and wants to be separated. >> > > It was a surprise to be but she is serious. She is moving back to [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] > get evidence of an affair. We also have a joint credit card - > I am thinking of canceling it. Rog hit the nail on the head for a lot of points. Such a short marriage generally won't give reason for any type of alimony or anything. Do cancel the joint credit card, especially if there's no balance on it now. But also be aware that some things that you might want to do to protect yourself can be misconstrued or taken as hostile actions that would not paint you in good light in divorce proceedings. As Rog said, get a lawyer, get one now. Ask these questions and let him know what you're doing and find out just what the local laws for your state/city will let you do. Good luck.  SignatureJohn > >> > > Out of the blue my wife comes to me and wants to be separated. > >> > > It was a surprise to be but she is serious. She is moving back to [quoted text clipped - 57 lines] > > Good luck. Surprised nobody's said much about this, but if this girl's bringing up abuse, even in obtuse references, you may be in a heap of trouble. I can't say ~if~ you abused her, but to the judge and her family you're guilty by accusation, no proof needed, and no rebuttal accepted. And if my girl put a keyboard logger on my computer and started cancelling credit cards, it'd be game over. - Saul For the best advice google fathers rights foundation and you can see a lot of free advice from a lawyer. Most info on this board is of doubtful value and some is misleading information from man haters hiding under alias names. >> >> > > Out of the blue my wife comes to me and wants to be separated. >> >> > > It was a surprise to be but she is serious. She is moving back to [quoted text clipped - 77 lines] > > - Saul I cannot address your legal questions but I would recommend not ever being alone with her under any circumstances. Sounds like she might set you up for an abuse charge falsely and then you're screwed. Consider yourself lucky that she bailed. How long did you know her before you married? > Hi Everybody, > [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > Thanks. > I cannot address your legal questions but I would recommend not ever > being alone with her under any circumstances. Sounds like she might > set you up for an abuse charge falsely and then you're screwed. > Consider yourself lucky that she bailed. How long did you know her > before you married? Thanks. I knew her for about 2 years - I saw the signs but was stupid. We talked and we decided to meet a counselor and set up a time and date then next day she gets back to me and says that she wants somebody that specializes in domestic violence. I set up an appointment with the pastor that married us and she refuses to go as she says he is not trained in "phsycology". She wants me to go to a wife batterer program ! I did agree to anger management even though she needs it more than I as she insults me on a daily basis. She also calls her mom a bitch and whore and calls her sister this as well. My main concern is she gets a restraining order barring me from the home even though my name is on the deed and I bought it before the wedding. I do have some old emails from her saying she was sorry for the horrible names she has called me. Anyways thanks. I'm not saying this is all her fault but she takes zero responsibility. > She wants me to go to a wife batterer program ! I did agree > to anger management even though she needs it more than I as > she insults me on a daily basis. She also calls her mom a bitch > and whore and calls her sister this as well. Remember this? "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Or how about: "I'm rubber and you are glue; whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you." -------------------------- > My main concern is she gets a restraining order barring me > from the home even though my name is on the deed and I > bought it before the wedding. If you made the down payment with your own money and have the documents to back that up, you should ultimately prevail. She can claim a special equity in the property for any increase in its value or improvements made during the marriage. With only 11 months, though, I doubt that would amount to much. BTW, I doubt that your 401(k) is a "joint" account. It is an individual employment-based retirement account. More likely, you've given her "authorization" to access to the account, which does not make her an owner. She could ask the court to give her a share in the account, but that should be limited to only the contributions and increase in value during thr marriage. > BTW, I doubt that your 401(k) is a "joint" account. It is an > individual employment-based retirement account. More likely, > you've given her "authorization" to access to the account, which > does not make her an owner. She could ask the court to give > her a share in the account, but that should be limited to only the > contributions and increase in value during thr marriage. If it is not joint ( and I think you are correct here ). If I want to withdrawal money ( with 10 percent penalty ) can I do this or do I need her signature ? Thanks. > My main concern is she gets a restraining order barring me from the > home even though my name is on the deed and I bought it > before the wedding. Beat her to the punch. *You* get the order and get *her* out. I'm guessing that lacking that you'd need an eviction notice and all the "hoop-jumping" that entails. I can't see any sane judge handing over your house after less than a year, but an RO against you could complicate things badly. read the free re divorce checklist at http://www.courttips.com ASAP > Hi Everybody, > [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > Thanks. |
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