i dont know what to do

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foxy woman - 12 Jul 2004 02:44 GMT

My 10 yr old daughter who lives with her dad and i only see her 3 days a
week in the summer and 1 night during school jus told me before i
dropped her off at her dads house that she did not want to come over
next week and told me husband (her step-dad) who she adores very much
..that she did not like me ..i have not done anything wrong to her
...i yell but every parent does....but i dont know what i did wrong and
why she doesnt like me anymore we just bought her a kitten for our house
..and took her to an amusement park last week....but there is one thing
which is kinda my fault she was in cheerleading a month ago and we
missed one sign up day and we went every week after that and noone was
there for her to sign up we missed 1 week ...she wanted ,,,,,i had the
money ...i dont know what to do i love her so much and seems like
whatever i do shes never happy with what i do for her .....makes me
cry...i need some advice ..she told me no matter what shes not coming
over this week but i told her that its in the paperwork that she is with
me the 3 days i dont wanna force her but what do i do she doesnt like
me? someone please help,,,,

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Scott - 12 Jul 2004 15:39 GMT

> My 10 yr old daughter who lives with her dad and i only see her 3 days a
> week in the summer and 1 night during school jus told me before i
[quoted text clipped - 13 lines]
> me the 3 days i dont wanna force her but what do i do she doesnt like
> me? someone please help,,,,

It's entirely possible that this has nothing to do with her living
with her Dad. DD also started the "I hate you" phase at around
age 10. Is it possible she's just trying to push your buttons?
If she says she isn't coming over, I would calmly inform her
that she has no choice and that this is the way things are.
She doesn't have to like it.

The common conversation at our house:

Parent: "Son/Daughter: Please do <x>"
Son/Daughter: "I don't want to do <x>"
Parent: "I didn't ask you if you wanted to do it. Please do it"

(Well, I *usually* say Please ;) )

Scott DD 11 and DS 8, missing DD who is away at camp for a week for the
1st time!!

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dragonlady - 13 Jul 2004 02:50 GMT

> > My 10 yr old daughter who lives with her dad and i only see her 3 days a
> > week in the summer and 1 night during school jus told me before i
[quoted text clipped - 31 lines]
> Scott DD 11 and DS 8, missing DD who is away at camp for a week for the
> 1st time!!

I agree -- frankly, I think there's a GREAT DEAL of value in a parent
saying to a child, " I know you don't like me right now -- but I love
you anyway, and you're stuck with me."

She sounds like she's entering adolescence on schedule.

I would definately work with your ex: it is important that she know the
visitation schedule is not subject to manipulation. If she can explain
a cogent reason to change it (and there might be one) that's one thing
-- but NOT just because she's mad at one of you.

Signature

Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

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foxy woman - 14 Jul 2004 12:47 GMT

my ex's girlfriend told me on the phone tha if my daughter only wants to
be with me 2 days a week they want to raise my chils support payment to
$400 a month a hundred more just for one day ..I make minimum wage at my
job my current hubby isnt working and when my ex wasnt there for 2 yrs
when she was little i didnt ask for this amount of money from him. we
barely make it on my income ...me and my ex really dont talk beause he
always has something mean to say about me..why is it so hard for me to
see my daughter when she doesnt live with me shes changing but seems
like im being pulled and pushed around by my ex and his girlfriend i
feel that it isnt right...they think just because i make tips that i
make good money thats untrue.i dont know what to do ..all i want is to
be able to see my daughter whe the papers say so and not have to pay
more money because they think im rich when it comes to my tips. im so
stressed out about all of this....someone help again please,,,thanks.

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Scott - 14 Jul 2004 13:45 GMT

> my ex's girlfriend told me on the phone tha if my daughter only wants to
> be with me 2 days a week they want to raise my chils support payment to
[quoted text clipped - 10 lines]
> more money because they think im rich when it comes to my tips. im so
> stressed out about all of this....someone help again please,,,thanks.

Well, I'm no lawyer, but it seems to me
that the ex's girlfriend can chat on 'til
the cows come home about how much she thinks
you should pay in child support, and it
should just go in one of your ears and out
the other. Let her talk.

I assume there is a court document that spells
out what you pay and when your daughter visits.
Tell your ex that that's the way things are
going to be. Tell your daughter that that's
the way things are going to be.

scott

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dragonlady - 14 Jul 2004 22:03 GMT

This is an issue for the courts and lawyers, not the internet. You have
a court ordered amount you pay, along with court ordered visitation. If
your ex wants that changed, he has to take you to court, and there are
lawyers around the bay area who work for free or very, very cheap for
people in your circumstances. Ask them, not us.

Signature

Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

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Jeff - 17 Jul 2004 20:17 GMT

> my ex's girlfriend told me on the phone tha if my daughter only wants to
> be with me 2 days a week they want to raise my chils support payment to
> $400 a month a hundred more just for one day ..I make minimum wage at my
> job my current hubby isnt working and when my ex wasnt there for 2 yrs
> when she was little i didnt ask for this amount of money from him.

I beleive the financial arrangements are set down on paper. If he wants to
have her more time, that is his financial problem, not yours.

> we
> barely make it on my income ...me and my ex really dont talk beause he
> always has something mean to say about me..why is it so hard for me to
> see my daughter when she doesnt live with me shes changing but seems
> like im being pulled and pushed around by my ex and his girlfriend i
> feel that it isnt right...

Cool, then make sure that she is not a pawn in your battles with your ex.

Make sure that you NEVER say one thing bad about your ex in front of your
daughter.

Make it clear to your daughter that you want to spend time with her because
she is your daughter and that you lover her.

> they think just because i make tips that i
> make good money thats untrue.i dont know what to do ..all i want is to
> be able to see my daughter whe the papers say so and not have to pay
> more money because they think im rich when it comes to my tips. im so
> stressed out about all of this....someone help again please,,,thanks.

Good luck.

Jeff

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family_rights_wv - 14 Jul 2004 20:34 GMT

I think if I were in this situation, I would be calm, friendly but
firm and pick the child up for visitation same as usual. I would
indicate the "court papers say" visitation is to take place.

I would arrange for one-to-one time for an activity just between the
child and myself, in order to focus attention on the child. This
would make the child feel very special and let the child know that the
parent really does care.

This could be something as simple as mother and child baking cookies
together or going to a park/playground together or doing some craft
together, like decorating stepping stones for the garden. Just making
"only mother/daughter time" together is the big thing. It wouldn't
have to be some lavish, expensive activity...

During one-to-one time, I would open a dialog to try to find out what
is bothering her. I would acknowledge her feelings by stating
something to the effect that I know she must have felt very
disappointed at missing the sign-up and that I was sorry for that and
ask if that is why she didn't want to come for visitation.

I'd encourage her to share her thoughts and opinions and listen in a
non-judgemental way, let her know that she can tell me what she thinks
and that I will still love her no matter what (this is not to say that
a parent must take outright rudeness/disrespectfulness, etc. from a
child, but the child should be able to feel safe in talking about her
feelings, and parents should acknowledge children's feelings).

just my thoughts,

christi

http://www.geocities.com/family_rights_wv/

> > > My 10 yr old daughter who lives with her dad and i only see her 3 days a
> > > week in the summer and 1 night during school jus told me before i
[quoted text clipped - 13 lines]
> > > me the 3 days i dont wanna force her but what do i do she doesnt like
> > > me? someone please help,,,,

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Iowacookiemom - 16 Jul 2004 02:51 GMT

I think it's important to keep in mind that during this adolescent phase, the
"I hate you's" are often followed pretty quickly with "I can't exist without
you's" -- it's very confusing to be a 13 yo girl, and she's probably confused
herself by the depths of her feelings (both for and against you -- and your ex
and his girlfriend).

You're the adult, so you're the one who has to stay calm. Fine to come to a
newsgroup and go on about how much it gets to you, but best, I think, to be
calmer to her face -- let her know you hear her, you can see she is upset, but
this is the way things are going to be and you love her no matter what she
says/does to you.

(Easier said than done. I should save a copy of this for when my own 11 yo son
has his adolescent tirades!)

-Dawn
Mom to Henry, 11

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Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / July 2004

i dont know what to do