Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / July 2009

    You can't change your child's personality, so I would
avoid anything trying to "toughen him up."  If you try to do
that, it's unlikely to work and you'll just be telling him
that even you find him lacking.  Instead, help him make friends.
Invite kids he'd like to get to know better over for playdates.
Volunteer in the classroom on occasion so you can meet other
parents and see which other kids might be good to invite.  Check
out other activities that are more social and might afford him
opportunities to meet and get to know other kids.  It doesn't
have to be all sports--what about drama clubs or scouting or
Lego club or robotics club or what have you?

Best wishes,
Ericka

I have an 8 year old son that will be in the 3d grade as well come
September.  I have kind of the opposite issue with him as very recently I've
found out that *my* child is the bully - which, to me, is totally out of
character for him.
He does excellent in school.  He reads and understands at a very high level.
He's highly intelligent.  He loves sports (his favorite is football) and
loves to draw.  He's artistic, friendly, and gets along with other kids
(normally) just fine.  He IS a handful, however, and I know and see that.  I
found out just before school ended for the summer that he's been picking on
another boy in the school.  He makes fun of this kid - makes fun of his
hair, his shoes, the way he looks, etc.  He's never had issues in school
before, other than the last month or so when this bullying issue was brought
to my attention from the school.  I had no idea, and if I did, I would
definitely have curbed that behaviour.
Now, not long ago I picked up a few books from the Goodwill.  One of them is
called "No More Misbehavin' - 38 Difficult Behaviours and how to Stop Them"
It's by Michele Borba, Ed.D.
It's basically a book that is 'failproof discipline for parents of kids from
3-12.  Right now, I have 2 in that exact age group, with a third that will
fall into it in come October.  There's a chapter on bullied AND bullying.
I'm not going to type out the whole chapter, but there's a box on the first
page of this category that says, "Behaviour tip: The best way to bully-proof
your kid is to help her develp a tough inner strength and strong assertive
skills so she'll be less likely to be victimized and can stand up for
herself." - basically, it's not saying to change your child or his
personality or who he is, but to help with his strengths.
It says about 4 steps to handle bullies...
1) Listen empathetically and gather facts.  The rundown for that is to
basically listen to your child's side of the story.  Let him tell you how he
sees it and feels.  What is happening, how it's happening, when, how often,
where, etc., as well as what reaction at the time your child had.  Keep a
record of it all, the book says, in case you need to meet with the school,
the bully and their parents or even law enforcement.  Empathize with him and
take him seriously and let him know that chances are, he did nothing to
'deserve' being bullied.  Don't blame or belittle his feelings (telling him
things like, "there's nothing to be afraid of" or telling him to 'toughen
up'.
2) Set a plan to ensure safety
*Stay near others (safety in numbers is the idea here) *Leave the scene (if
possible, just walk away from a bully without making eye contact or saying
anything and move towards an adult/teacher/group of kids/etc) *Plan
alternate routes (avoid the places that bullying might happen, if possible)
*Don't retaliate *Use good judgement *Tell an adult
3) Teach and then rehearse assertiveness.  Find things he can do to stand up
for himself against any possible bully.  Like talking firmly and that kind
of stuff.
4) Boost self confidence.  It actually says learn martial arts for improving
self-confidence for some children.  Also, help your child find a friend is
another one.  Find something he enjoys doing and is good at... Some kind of
talent he might have to give him more confidence in himself or similar.

And so on and so on.  I do not know if this would help or not.  You
obviously know your own child best, but I have found that this No More
Misbehavin' is a pretty good book.  I have found that, so far, it makes
sense for me and it has helped with my own DS.  It's 38 top 'complaints'
parents have about their child's behaviour - everything from anger, anxiety,
biting and bossiness to teased, temper tantrums, whining and yelling.  Your
problem could be a simple fix or there might be something more.  I don't
know, obviously, but if you can find this book, maybe it might help or even
give you a few ideas to work with.  With being bullied, there's also
chapters on lack of friends, shyness, teased, giving up easily... I don't
know if any of those are issues, but I just figured that some might go hand
in hand, but maybe not in your case.  For me, about 15 of the chapters have
some relevance to DS alone, and about 6 or 7 of them are things I can relate
directly to 2 of my girls that are almost 4 and almost 3 ;)

I wish you the best of luck.  As a parent of what I realize is a bully, I DO
empathize with you as a parent of a possibly bullied child.  I do recommend
getting to the bottom of it - with your child as well as the bully if there
is one - as soon as you can and work on it.  If there is a bully, I don't
think it hurts to try and work with the parents of the bully as well.  For
my DS, I've been working on the bullying part with him and to my own
surprise, it does work - slowly but surely, however.  Also, I would bring it
up with the parents if you do find out that someone is being a bully to your
son.  Seeing as I have the bully, I was horrified to hear that my child is
being a bully and I did NOT want it to continue.  I actually thanked the
school (and meant it) when they brought it to my attention and was actually
a little angry that it had apparently carried on for so long before someone
told me as I honestly did not have any clue and wouldn't have guessed it on
my own in a million years!