Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / July 2005

Personally, I think modeling the behavior you want is the best method
of teaching to young children.... but this pretty much applies to much
younger than the age of 9, imo.

If I felt my 9 year old was flat-out refusing to be polite, then my
consequence would be that meal time is over for him.

Nan

    Honestly, I'm willing to do a lot of things if I
think the child is trying, but I'm not particularly going
to bend over backwards to find positive methods for a child
who knows what to do but isn't interested in trying.  If I
had a 9yo who refused to attempt reasonable table manners,
it would mean:

1)  No restaurants.
2)  No having friends over for meals.
3)  No meal related privileges.
4)  If it were in-your-face enough, he'd be asked to leave
    the table.

If it's just a matter of inattention rather than refusal,
you can do lots of things like establish a rule for the
night to focus on, or set up a game where you win something
for catching others breaking the rules (you can increase
the number of operative rules over time).  Obviously, it's
very important that adults at the table set a good example.
I assume she's already had discussions with him about how
his behavior will be a major turnoff and embarrassment to
his friends, especially as he gets older.  There are some
books about this:

http://tinyurl.com/cbeym
http://tinyurl.com/bwzt2

Ultimately, though, with a 9yo she's nagged for 2 years
with no results, I rather suspect she's going to have to
back up her requests with some consequences in order to
effect any changes.  It seems a reasonable logical
consequence that those who refuse to make themselves
pleasant to eat with don't get to eat with others.

Best wishes,
Ericka

If she didn't start expecting decent table manners until he was 7, it
WILL be a problem to teach.

I think the most important thing is to sit down to at least one meal a
day as a family, and to both display and expect decent table manners at
that time.  Keep conversation pleasant.  Talk about the need to develop
"company manners" that will make him an acceptable person to take out in
public.  Perhaps even tell him you're taking him to a fancy restaurant,
and he needs to practice -- then, after he's doing well for a while,
actually GO to a fancy (I know, expensive) restaurant.

FWIW, I didn't think I was particularly concentrating on table manners,
but just expected basic civilized dining at dinner every evening.  My
kids have regularly been complemented on their lovely table manners
(which, frankly, tells me that our current standards must be really low!  
They're good, but not exceptional.)

Raising young males to have good table manners is a serious struggle. It's
just not in their nature - they fail to see why it matters. I'm not being
sexist, I grew up with three brothers and I really think that table manners
are a lot more important to females.
DH was sent away to boarding school at a young age , and had no real
instruction, so we were working uphill here.
We have three sons, they are almost 16, 12, and 7.5. We have a family dinner
every night , no matter how late it is. For us, it's a matter if constant
reminders - kid uses his shirt to wipe his face, we say  "use your napkin".
Kid picks up peas with his fingers, we say "use the fork". Kid leaves table
without clearing his plate, we bring him back and tell him to do so. Praise
, hug , and smile when they use manners. The older two are fine, but the
youngest still needs some reminders.
I hate to have the dinner hour be a source of conflict, so it's just a
comment to remind them, no nagging, punishing, or making them leave the
table. The last thing you want is a war surrounding mealtime.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.  No nagging, punishing, yelling. Just keep modeling
the behavior, gently correcting the behavior you don't want, and praising
the behavior you do want.
I must add that, when we are out in public, at a restaurant, wedding
reception, family dinner, they have always been great.

It seems he has a number of problems and is not just trying it on with her.  I
think she should discuss it with the psychologist that he is seeing.  For
example, he may have coordination problems that make using a knife and fork
difficult, so he tries to avoid cutlery.

Some things are just habit.  If he's leaving the table without wiping his
face, she could just say, "Napkin!" (per Faber & Mazlish).

Other things are more easily taught -- how to hold a knife and fork properly,
for example (she may need to recheck that he *can* hold them properly); how to
use chopsticks, the proper way to eat soup, etc.  Example is, of course, a
great teacher, but sometimes the student hasn't *noticed* the example.

Lastly, a suggestion from my own upbringing which gave me the ability to
manage at formal dinners:

The birthday girl always chose her birthday meal and we ate it in the dining
room rather than the eat-in kitchen.  These meals were 2-3 courses, and were
set properly for the meal, and used the "good" china and glassware (once we
were old enough).  I can't remember not knowing that your cutlery goes from
the outside in, bread plate and serviette to the left, etc.  An ordinary
family dinner doesn't teach you about three-course cutlery placement.

I've mentioned it here before, but when I was in my 20s I was often surprised
by people whispering to me at wedding receptions that they weren't sure which
fork to use.  Then there were the ones who kept picking up my serviette in
restaurants, instead of taking the one to their left.  All well-brought-up
middle-class people who had NOT spent half their lives in Mcdonald's!  I still
don't get it, but I know I didn't make those errors because I'd been taught
through our birthday dinners.