Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / January 2006

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You can bet the kid behaves this way at home.  I would be inclined to
remove my child from that school if the teacher is reluctant to do
anything more than "redirect" the disruptor.  I have a gut feeling that
you are trying to fight a losing battle.  Have you spoken to any other
parents of  kids in the same classroom?  You voice will be heard much
more clearly if it is accompanied by other voices.

-L.

It does not sound to me like this child is a bully.  A bully is someone
who will try to intimidate and push other kids around, usually to
get something out of it.  A bully will often pick particular kids who
they see as weak in some way to hassle.

What you have here is a sensitive and emotional child who has
never learned to express their emotions in an acceptable way.
I understand your frustration -- your kids don't feel safe whether
or not he's actually *intending* to frighten them.  But I do feel
that labels are important, and that you'll get farther if you don't
apply a label that connotes "intentionally mean" on this child.

When you speak to the board of directors, you should concentrate
on your own child.  "Johhny is getting to be afraid of school.  Johnny
feels unsafe." or whatever.  Particularly if there have been incidents
that involved your son -- if he's been pushed or thrown at or yelled
at.  And if you are considering pulling your child out over this, then
let them know that as well.  They are more likely to do something if
they think it will have a financial impact.  I agree that if there are
other parents who feel this way, speaking as a group will be more
effective.

I don't think that redirecting is wrong in this case, it just sounds
like it's coming too late.  The teacher should be watching more
closely for signs of frustration so that she can redirect him *before*
he explodes.

Bizby

    Well, this *IS* normal behavior for young threes.  That
doesn't mean that it's okay, but it is normal, and thus a zero
tolerance policy is absolutely silly and unreasonable.
    The recommended way of handling this absolutely is to
redirect the child.  The child should also be shadowed so that
a teacher can head off trouble before other children are
injured.  There may be occasions where something happens too
quickly, but as the teachers work with the child, those should
become fewer and fewer.  And while it is essential that the
other children be protected from harm, anyone who expects that
there will never be *any* hitting/kicking/biting/whatever in
a preschool has unreasonable expectations.
    What you should expect is the following:

1)  That the school is in communication with the parents about
    this and that they have a plan.  You have a right to know
    that they are doing this, but not about the specifics.  That
    is private between the school and the family, just like it
    would be between you and the school if there was a concern
    about the physical or behavioral development of your child.

2)  A teacher or aid should be shadowing this kid at all times,
    with the goal of helping to teach him how to react to
    frustrating situations with more appropriate behavior and
    identifying what sorts of things trigger his inappropriate
    behaviors.  This should also keep other kids in the class
    safe.

3)  When the child acts out, he should be redirected to a more
    appropriate activity and/or talked through how to handle
    the situation in a better way.  He needs to learn how to
    have appropriate behavior.  Punishing him (time out, removing
    him from the class, etc.) will not teach him anything.

These are the basic guidelines of NAEYC, and certainly any
accredited preschool would be expected to do something along
these lines.  (Well, any preschool should, accredited or not.)

    Now, as they go through a process of working with
this child, they may also have some professional evaluations
done.  In doing so, they may find that this child has needs
beyond what can be served in the regular classroom, in which
case the school and parents should together make a decision
to get him into a more appropriate situation.  But, he should
not be expelled just because he has inappropriate behavior
that is currently being addressed in a responsible manner by
the school.
    It's hard for me to tell what's really going on with
this situation based on your report.  I understand your concern
as a parent, and you do have a right to ask the school to
explain their policies regarding challenging behaviors and
how they're going to keep your child safe and provide an
appropriate classroom experience for him or her.  I do get
a vibe, however, that you may have some unreasonable expectations.
For one thing, this is absolutely *NOT* a bullying situation,
and it is completely unfair to label this child as a bully
based on what you've described here.
    If the school is completely cavalier about this
and doesn't have any plan for working with this child,
I'd be concerned.  If they're shadowing and redirecting,
working with the child's parents, and monitoring his
progress, then I think they're doing what they should
do and that your child is unlikely to suffer any negative
consequences of being in this classroom or around this
child.

Best wishes,
Ericka

I agree. It's not bullying. Behavioural issues possibly, but it sounds
normal for a 3 yo to me. Redirecting sounds the most sensible.
It sounds to me as though by labelling it as "bullying" you're trying to
push for a stronger action. (I was going to say trying to "bully them into a
stronger action" but maybe that's not quite the right thing to say
considering the circumstances)
If your child is concerned about this child then raise it with the schools,
if they're not concerned then it's not really your issue.
Debbie

I agree with everyone else.  The child sounds like he is acting his age.  He
may not be behaving the way your child behaves, but it is not abnormal
behavior.

How do you know they have not met with the parents and are not working on it
together?  The school and teacher and parent may well be working hard on it,
but they may not feel it is proper to discuss their interactions with you.
If you do not like this environment, take your child out.  If it were
negatively affecting my child, I would.  Otherwise, it may be a good
learning experience.

Redirection is the best course.  It doesn't sound like he is a
*bully.*  He probably doesn't have the language to express his
frustrations and acts out accordingly.

How many teachers are in the room?  How many children?
Can a teacher shadow this child to head off incidents so that
the child is less frustrated?

You may want to suggest to the teacher that the class could
use some activities that will help them express their feelings
appropriately.  All 3 year olds can benefit from this.  I have
a 10 week (once a week) set of activities for this that we did
with a four year old class.  They can easily be modified to the
3 year old level.  If your email addy is good, I can send you
the unit.  The only thing we ask is that the people who developed
this are given credit when it is passed on (My co-teacher and I
did some revisions, but it was originally designed by one of our
social work interns).

--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

My son's class has had, at various times, biters, throwers, hitters,
etc.  It is normal behavior for this age group (he's 3.5) although
'normal' has this unfortunate connotation of 'good', and of course it's
not good, just normal.  Our day care has a policy of not telling the
parents of the antagonized kids who caused a given incident, but of
course now our kids are old enough to make their own reports, and
before they were, I used to witness it myself occasionally during
drop-off or pick-up.  In each case, the school did lots of things to
handle it, but handling doesn't equal complete control or instant
cessation.  All the kids who had the chronic problems when they were a
little younger have improved, so the redirection stuff does work, just
not instantly.

My son is pretty sensitive and hates to be messed with, so he will
report that a given kid is 'mean' sometimes, but even with some chronic
bad behavior going on in his class he's never given me the impression
of real fear of being at school.  If your child is afraid all the time,
that's not a tolerable situation and I agree that you have to have this
addressed immediately.  However, zero-tolerance for throwing, kicking,
etc. isn't really doable for kids this little, so approaching it from
that perspective probably won't gain you much ground.

Beth