Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / September 2006

Hi Yvonne,

This is very natural behaviour of a child when you leave them for the
first time to the daycare or pre-school. They feel little insecure that
if their parents will come back to pick them up or not because when a
child comes to this world he only knows his parents and he can only be
comfortable with them. It happened same to me when I dropped my 3-year
old first time to the preschool. I requested the teachers to let me
stay with her for two days and that time my daughter was holding my
hand like she's never gonna leave me. But third day, I dropped her in
her class and was in next room and went to pick her up in around
2-hours. She realized that Mom will come. Then the fourth day I left
her for 3-hours. Then she was fine. Just cried little bit for five
minutes and then was busy in playing. Now she is 4-years and is
enjoying her preschool like anything. Also they need some time to get
comfortable with the teachers and other kids too.

Hope things will get better soon for you also.

Candy.

Hi Yvonne,

This is very natural behaviour of a child when you leave them for the
first time to the daycare or pre-school. They feel little insecure that
if their parents will come back to pick them up or not because when a
child comes to this world he only knows his parents and he can only be
comfortable with them. It happened same to me when I dropped my 3-year
old first time to the preschool. I requested the teachers to let me
stay with her for two days and that time my daughter was holding my
hand like she's never gonna leave me. But third day, I dropped her in
her class and was in next room and went to pick her up in around
2-hours. She realized that Mom will come. Then the fourth day I left
her for 3-hours. Then she was fine. Just cried little bit for five
minutes and then was busy in playing. Now she is 4-years and is
enjoying her preschool like anything. Also they need some time to get
comfortable with the teachers and other kids too.

Hope things will get better soon for you also.

Candy.

It's normal for children starting daycare to have separation anxiety
because they are in a new place and really we don't explain much to
them, we just tend to take them and drop them off.

Play games where you go out and peek around the corner with him.
It will take some time, but this will help.

This is probably part of the problem.  You need to talk to him about
dad leaving and the fact that you are not going to leave.  You may
want to use some books about divorce (even if you were not married
since this is still a divorce to your child).  

Some possibilities here:
http://www.maginationpress.com/bbytopic.html#divorce

In particular I like:
Was It the Chocolate Pudding? A Story for Little Kids About Divorce
By Sandra Levins (this may be too old for him though)

Some others not listed at magination press:

Dinosaur's Divorce by Marc Brown
It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: Osread-Together Book for Parents &
Young Children During Divorce Mpt by Vicki Lansky
Mama and Daddy Bear's Divorce by Cornelia Maude Spelman

Children understand much more than they can say.  You may want to
try teaching him some sign language.  There are some good videos for
this called Signing Time (if you let him watch dvds and videos).  I
also recommend the Baby Bumble Bee vocabulary videos for children
who need help with talking.  And if he is not putting words together,
I would suggest an evaluation by a speech therapist since most
children do that at 2 and delayed speech may need to be addressed.
(The daycare may assess this for you, btw.  Many daycares will refer
children to speech therapy and some have STs on staff who will work
with children).

For the separation anxiety itself, you may want to read The Kissing
Hand by Audrey Penn with him.  It's a good book and has a ritual you
can use for separating from him at daycare.  

You may also want to give him a picture of you that he can keep in his
cubby at daycare and look at when he is thinking about you.  A *lovey*
can help too especially at naptime.  

You may also want to make a picture schedule of his day at daycare
and talk to him about the sequence of things and how mommy
always comes back *after nap* or after whatever the last activity of
the day is.  If you can get actual pictures of the activities from his
teachers, you can use these (I always took digital pictures of the
kids doing activities in my preschool classes and used them to
sequence the day.  If you can't get actual pictures, you may be able
to find clipart online or pictures in magazines that will show what
they do.

Good luck!

--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

I have two daughters who both went to day care and they both did this.
Children that age have seperation anxiety. I remember they both cried
for about a week almost two and then it gradualy lessened and then to
no problem dropping them off. I remember thinking, why aren't they
crying anymore, don't they miss me?!! It was so double sided for me, I
felt neede when they cried and then when they were fine with leaving
me, I was a little upset!!

It will be fine and it will get better!!

This is normal.  Your day care should have given you some advice on how to
leave your child.

First, find them something to do or a carer with an activity, then say that
you are going and will be back at [whatever time you collect him].  Say
goodbye (and "Enjoy yourself!"), kiss him, and leave.  The carer should
comfort him if he's upset, and involve him in an activity.  Make the way you
leave a kind of ritual -- same every day -- and he will eventually understand.

You haven't been sneaking out of the day care, have you?  

I am sure this would have a bit to do with it, and so would starting day care.  
Continue to tell him what you are doing, and reassure him that you aren't
going to leave, and he will come good.

That is unusual for a child of nearly 3 -- generally, they start putting words
together at about 18 months.  Speak to your Child Health Nurse (or whoever you
see) about this.