Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / March 2007

    You must explain to your SIL that you will do your
best, but 2yos are always a gamble in a wedding.  She may or
may not go down the aisle, and your SIL has to live with that.
Explain to her exactly what plans A, B, C, etc. are.  For
example, if she's doing well, she'll go down the aisle herself.
You'll do everything you can to make sure she's doing well
(well fed, well rested, potty break beforehand, practice
ahead of time, etc.).  If she balks, Daddy will walk with
her.  If she's throwing a hissy fit, she won't go down the
aisle at all and your SIL will have to be glad you spared
her that spectacle at her wedding.

Other tips:
- Don't have her stand up with the attendants throughout
  the wedding.  Have her sit with Daddy.  Or, if SIL really
  wants her up there, make sure that SIL understands she
  may well fidget the entire time.
- Carry plenty of food and water with you.  There's nothing
  worse to work with than a hungry, cranky toddler.
- Carry some small toys for her.  There's often a lot of
  hurry-up-and-wait at weddings.
- Prepare for the usual emergencies (accidents, food spills,
  ripped tights, etc.)

It might help to show videos of your or friends' weddings,
if you have access to any.  The biggest help will be the
rehearsal, though.  I think there are some books on being
a flower girl out there somewhere.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Cute :)

My niece was my flower girl when she was two.  My recommendation based on
what I wish my SIL would have done ;)

Bring food and water!!!  I really can't say this enough.

Things that worked:  She walked down with the ring bearer (her brother).
Does she know the ring bearer?  She sat with her mom/dad during the
ceremony...and slept.

The pictures alone were worth the risk that she'd miss the whole thing.  So
sweet.

IMO you should do you utmost best to talk you SIL out of it. The attention
should be firmly on the bride, if you need pleasant words to convince her of
it. IMO little 2 yos should not be put through that nonsense.

If you cannot convince her that this is not a good idea, follow Erika's
advice to the letter!

I think you'd have more luck talking sense to a Bridezilla than a
two-year-old!  At least warn her that 2yos are notoriously unreliable at
weddings, and that tantrums are a possibility.

I went to a wedding once with two tiny children in the bridal procession.  
They were shy when they saw all the people staring at them, so the bride
herself held hands with them and they went down the aisle together.  It was
unscripted but very, very sweet!

I'd be careful about books/DVDs because they can give the child an idea
which won't happen. For example one bok I read about a wedding to #1 had the
child bridesmaid choosing the dress (including colour) then the one she
wanted wasn't in her size, so mummy made the dress she wanted. It can be
something as simple as stating "the bridemaids sit in a little chair" with a
picture of a red chair and the chair's blue... Or you don't want her stating
"I want that dress from the book".
I'd prepare your dd for walking down the isle holding daddy or older
bridesmaid's (if she knows/will go to) hand. See if she can go to the
rehearsal so she can see where she will be.
Depending on your dd I'd either take something for her to do during the
service (for #1 we had a book with lots of flaps and it kept her happy
throught 3 weddings when she was a nearly 2yo) or, if she's not going to sit
still, suggest to your sil that you'll take her out after the exchange of
rings (I'd have done that with #2 otherwise she'd have been trying to scale
the bride's dress or something)
As your siltb is in a bit of a wedding fever I'd explain quietly to your
brother that if your dd gets into a fuss, then you'll pick her up and exit
quickly. Explain that then she'll be happier to pose for the photos if she
hasn't had a paddy first! I suspect if that happens on the day your sil
won't mind, but thinking of it beforehand might cause problems.
I'd take a packet of something quiet, non-messy, and a treat to eat that
will give you a few minutes extra peace at a needed moment.
I'm sure she'll look very sweet. I've seen that age at a wedding and they
can look lovely as long as too much isn't expected of them. And the photos
are worth it anyway!
Debbie

Congratulations!

and my SIL to be has decided she

Buying plane tickets in the opposite direction?

One way to broach the subject with your future SIL is to mention that
a lot of officiants don't allow children that young to participate,
and ask if she's made sure that her's is OK with it, since you don't
want to disappoint your daughter.  You might also want to browse the
net or youtube for some video of kids that young in weddings.  Here's
one that I foudn fast with a kid who was actaully relatively well
behaved.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Nhu7bDaENyE

Barbara

Lots of good advice already.  Personally, I think you should
definitely have her in the wedding and not worry about the folks that
think its going to be a disaster.  I've been to several weddings with
small children and while their behavior wasn't always as scripted as
some would like, none of them ruined the wedding.  Their antics are
part of the charm of a wedding, IMHO.

I think the setting of a wedding has a lot to do with how you need to
prepare.  If it's an outdoor wedding, then realize that there will be
many more distractions.  She may shout out "Look, an airplane!" at the
top of her lungs at any moment.  Most people will chuckle and think
it's cute, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.  Is it going to be a
brief ceremony or an hour-long church service?  If it's the latter, I
would try taking her to church (if you don't regularly go) and see how
she does for an hour.  That will be a good gauge of how much quiet
sitting she'll be able to withstand during the wedding.  If you
already regularly attend church and she does fine, I wouldn't be too
worried about the ceremony itself.

My boys have been ring bearers a few times and the worst part for them
was getting restless during pictures and not being comfortable in
their tuxes.  (And finding out just before the procession that they
weren't actually going to be carrying the real rings, but you won't
have to worry about that.)  So, see if you can group any pictures
she's needed for together so that she doesn't have to amuse herself in
between and then take her somewhere else while the rest of the
pictures finish up.  Also have her wear her dress and shoes beforehand
so she can get used to how they feel.

Have fun and take lots of pictures!

Annie

I would check with SILTB as to when she *really* wants DD to be present,
and then opt out of anything not necessary.  If you wait until your DD
starts to have problems, then it can be harder for her to behave later.
When my sister got married, DD was a not-quite four flower girl, and DS
was a not-quite two ring bearer.  But in talking to my sister, what she
was thinking of was that it would be nice for the kids to walk down the
aisle, to be in some photos, and to attend the reception.  So that is
what they did.  (Well, they got to sit in the limo too :-)  My MIL and
FIL volunteered to kid wrangle.  They took them out in the morning of
the wedding for fresh air and sunshine, followed by a rest, and then
snack.  We had it so that most of the "at home" photos were done before
they came back to the house.  This way they could arrive clean, dressed
and happy, have a few photos done, and then go out to admire the limo.

At the ceremony, DD went down the aisle, followed by DS and I (who was
matron of honour).  We got to the front, the kids quietly exited to the
side with MIL and FIL to go play in the kids playroom.  We were lucky
in that it has a speaker, so MIL and FIL could follow the service.  As
the recessional started, the kids reappeared, and down the aisle we
went.

When it was time for photos, the kids were in the first few, and then
they were allowed to play.  The dress and suit had been bought second
hand, and we had a change of clothes for the reception, so we didn't
worry about keeping them clean at this point.  As it turned out, when
the photographer was finishing up he noticed my father playing with DD
and shot a beautiful photo of the two of them together - her in her
beautiful dress and my father in a tux, having fun crossing a bridge over
a stream.

We kept snacks on hand throughout, and the reception was a buffet, which
had food that everyone from the very young to the very old could enjoy.
A wise bride who wants kids at the reception (and there were quite a few),
is one willing to have kids birthday party-type food at the buffet.  We
had also purchased portable Lego trays for the reception for my kids.  
They kept DD and DS amused for quite a while, and were shared with the
other kids (and some of the adults).

Planning helped.  As did scouting out each venue beforehand to know what
our options were.  We read the Arthur story where DW wants to be a flower
girl, and another picture book on being a flower girl.  But it was less
the books that were important than the planning ahead by the adults,
and the decision to focus on them having to be flower girl and ring
bearer for just a few key times.

Carol