Need advice - Daughter may be stealing

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Dave - 30 Oct 2007 09:34 GMT

I have a 9 year old daughter. About a week ago I happened to be
standing next to her while she was taking her clothes out of the dryer
(only her clothes were in the load). I noticed she retrieved a small
object from the dryer and started to pocket it. I said, "what's that?"
She held it out. It was a $5 bill folded up small. I said, "where'd
that come from?" She shrugged and said she didn't know. I didn't know
of any reason why she'd have a $5 bill. I assumed it had fallen out of
the pocket of another family member's pants or something. I held out
my hand and said, "I'll take it" and she handed it over without
objection. My daughter is pretty outspoken - if it HAD been hers she
would have protested. I didn't think much of this incident.

Interestingly, several days later there was an almost identical
incident, except this time it was a $20! Again, only her clothes were
in the dryer. When I asked her about it I got basically the same
response and she handed over the bill without protest. Now this is
starting to be a little more than coincidental. I have never known my
daughter to steal money before, but she has had some difficulty (not a
lot though) respecting other people's things.

My wife (my daughter's step-mom) believes my daughter swiped the money
from her purse. This is based on her glasses (which she keeps in her
purse) being grossly smudged and sticky and her belief that she had
more cash than what was left in her purse - though she did not mention
this until after I spoke with her about what I witnessed with my
daughter by the dryer.

I'm looking for ideas/suggestions on how to proceed. I don't feel that
I have quite enough evidence to say that my daughter stole this money
"beyond a reasonable doubt". However, there is certainly enough
circumstantial evidence to be suspicious. Should I bring this up with
my daughter? She has a history of denying things unless she is caught
red-handed. Should I take a wait-and-see approach (and be vigilant
with cash)?

Thanks,
Dave

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Welches - 30 Oct 2007 11:33 GMT

>I have a 9 year old daughter. About a week ago I happened to be
> standing next to her while she was taking her clothes out of the dryer
[quoted text clipped - 30 lines]
> red-handed. Should I take a wait-and-see approach (and be vigilant
> with cash)?

I don't have personal experience here, so this is my take on it.
Firstly: Don't have step-mum say anything. I don't think that would help.
Secondly: I might ask her if she thought the money was hers. If she says
"No" then ask her where she thinks it came from, if "yes" then ask her where
she got it from. Try and do it in an intersested way rather than accusing.
I'd tell her that if she does find money in the drier that she doesn't know
where it's come from then she should tell you rather than just pocketing it.
I'd suspect that if she'd stolen it then she might well have protested
further before showing you it, so I certainly wouldn't accuse her.
I think there could be reasonable reasons for this. Yes, I agree it's
suspicious, but I wouldn't say she's guilty of anything. If I'd stolen $20
it's unlikely that I would have put it in my pocket and forgotten it to the
extent of washing it. I'd have moved it into my purse or hidden it.
It could be a coincidence. (I very rarely find lost notes on the floor, but
in one month last year I found a £5 just outside or house, another £5
outside the supermarket, £20 in town and a £5 and £10 wrapped together at
the park! These things do sometimes happen! I haven't found more than coins
since!)
Thirdly: If you wish to carry it further then get you and dw to make a note
of serial numbers of all notes or do a small mark (like a pin hole) in one
corner. Then if it occurs again you have something to check against.

Of course there are other possibilities that she's getting the money another
way that isn't stealing. Had she recently seen her mum? Could she have given
the money and said "don't tell your father"?
Debbie

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snapme2@hotmail.com - 31 Oct 2007 03:21 GMT

On Oct 30, 6:33 am, "Welches" <debbie.welc...@SPAMntlworldPLEASE.com>
wrote:

> >I have a 9 year old daughter. About a week ago I happened to be
> > standing next to her while she was taking her clothes out of the dryer
[quoted text clipped - 57 lines]
> the money and said "don't tell your father"?
> Debbie

I read your post and this gave me a good idea on what to write about
on my blog caringparent.org. Thank you for sharing the story with us.

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Chris - 30 Oct 2007 19:11 GMT

> I have a 9 year old daughter. About a week ago I happened to be
> standing next to her while she was taking her clothes out of the dryer
[quoted text clipped - 33 lines]
> Thanks,
> Dave

Try to catch her red-handed then. Do you have a video recorder that
you can set to automatically turn on when it detects motion in front
of it? After being caught red-handed would be a good time for a
serious talk about the reality/consequences of stealing, detailing the
juvenile detention facilities, etc on the path of a chronic thief,
along with a punishment, as well as getting it through to her that it
is a violation of privacy to enter a purse that does not belong to
her. It just sounds like one of those situations that warrants the red-
handed approach first. You could mark the money as well with a small
identifying mark. I would also try to leave step-mom out of the whole
process regardless. It is just a proven fact that that relationship
can be a difficult one, and even though it is her purse, it would be
best dealt with by you giving the impression that you are sleuthing
and solving the situation on your own by stating that you marked the
money in both your own wallet and her her's.

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Dave - 31 Oct 2007 03:19 GMT

> I have a 9 year old daughter. About a week ago I happened to be
> standing next to her while she was taking her clothes out of the dryer
[quoted text clipped - 33 lines]
> Thanks,
> Dave

Thank you both for the feedback. Leaving step-mom out of this is a
good idea. She already stated she doesn't want be involved in the
sleuthing and that she's keeping her purse where my daughter can't get
at it (easily). I've decided to leave my wallet out on the dryer
(where I often leave it) with subtly marked bills inside. I think I'm
going to wait and see if I can catch her with a marked bill. If I do
then I can have a sit down talk with her about it.

Thanks,
Dave

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Nan - 31 Oct 2007 11:49 GMT

>Thank you both for the feedback. Leaving step-mom out of this is a
>good idea. She already stated she doesn't want be involved in the
[quoted text clipped - 6 lines]
>Thanks,
>Dave

I think your wife is a wise woman to want to be left out of this. I
have to say, I have an issue with this whole setting your daughter up
to catch her scenario.... talk about proving to her that you have no
faith or trust in her! And if you do happen to "catch" her, you'll
prove to her that she cannot trust you!

Frankly, I'd sit down with her soon and discuss the issue with her.
Tell her you're troubled about the money and would like to know if she
took it. If she says "No", then accept it as that and let it drop.

Many kids, at some point, will take something that doesn't belong to
them. IMO, the parents need to talk to their kids if it happens and
let them know it was a mistake and trust can still be present.
I just think setting her up is going to make her feel that you treat
her as a criminal. Just my .02.

Nan

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Narelle - 31 Oct 2007 07:50 GMT

> I have a 9 year old daughter. About a week ago I happened to be
>snip story<
[quoted text clipped - 9 lines]
> Thanks,
> Dave

Hi Dave,
I have a 10yo daughter who has a problem in this area. I am not going
to discuss it on this group, but if you wish to have a chat, please feel
free to email me. My email is valid, and if I know I am expecting mail,
I will check it. Just acknowledge here so I know to check, if you wish
to follow thru.

Narelle

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Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / October 2007

Need advice - Daughter may be stealing