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Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / April 2008co-sleeping is "bad"
There is a huge movement these days in my community to make parents aware of how dangerous co-sleeping is. Apparantly there is a larger than usual number of babies suffocating from being in bed with their parents. Because of this, there are alot of outraged parents saying things like, "How could loving parents endanger their precious baby by sleeping with it?". Even if the mom accidentally fell asleep while nursing, they are still blaming her!(and that's the most recent occurence, which is in the news today, and our news site allows comments) There was a whole news conference about the "dangers" of co-sleeping. The cause of death everytime is blamed on co-sleeping. I know not everyone believes it's ok to sleep with the baby, but honestly, do people really believe it makes one a horrible parent for doing so? Marie > There is a huge movement these days in my community to make parents > aware of how dangerous co-sleeping is. Apparantly there is a larger than [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > everyone believes it's ok to sleep with the baby, but honestly, do > people really believe it makes one a horrible parent for doing so? Speaking in hideous overgeneralizations, people seem to have a very limited capacity to put things into perspective. People do a lot of dangerous things every day, statistically speaking, and don't think twice about them, but they will jump all over things they don't do that are far less risky than things they *do* do. That said, unsafe cosleeping is, well, unsafe. A whole lot of people aren't aware of risky co-sleeping practices, so they co-sleep without the benefit of taking proper precautions. And frankly, a lot of those shocked folks who say they would never co-sleep *have* fallen asleep with the baby (being a new parent will do that to you), even if it wasn't at night and in their beds. I think you have to look at the risks, take them seriously, and then mitigate them. Best wishes, Ericka I never called what I did 'co-sleeping'. I didn't have big thoughts about it. If my husband was awake to move the baby back to the crib, or if I was awake enough to do it, then good. But mostly, when a baby son cried at night, I'd rouse myself enough to do diaper duty, and crawl gratefully back under the covers with the baby and fall asleep nursing, and there he would stay til the morning. Nice memories, actually! It's fascinating to me how people judge each other so much about parenting. I'm just as guilty as the next person, although it took me a while to recognize that. Going to the park with my toddlers, and letting them try all the equipment, watching the frowns as I let my 2- year-old attempt the jungle-gym, I remember feeling defensive and irritated..and JUDGED. But looking back, I see that I was making just as many judgements on the moms who hovered over their kids, and the moms who just said no all the time. We all cared about our kids, and we were simply focusing on different priorities. Parents (well, people in general!) should go easier on each other. > It's fascinating to me how people judge each other so much about > parenting. I'm just as guilty as the next person, although it took me [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > moms who just said no all the time. We all cared about our kids, and > we were simply focusing on different priorities. Well, on average, are 2-year olds safe on the jungle gym, or not? You mention how you felt but not that you did any research on the question. I think too many parents are looking for validation of what they are currently doing rather than objective information about what they ought to do, as if the main goal of childrearing advice should be to avoid making them feel guilty. That was the tone of the OP's message. > Parents (well, people in general!) should go easier on each > other. >> It's fascinating to me how people judge each other so much about >> parenting. I'm just as guilty as the next person, although it took me [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > ought to do, as if the main goal of childrearing advice should be to > avoid making them feel guilty. That was the tone of the OP's message. It doesn't matter if the average 2 yr old is safe on the jungle gym. A child who started walking at 9 months, and was climbing everything in sight at 12-13 months is going to be safer on the jungle gym at 2 than my daughter, who didn't start walking until 18 months, and didn't master jumping with both feet until almost 3. A few months ago, DD and I were out at the playground, and I was talking with the after school program teacher (our neighborhood park is next to an elementary school), and she mentioned how much more independent DD was now than a year before when I was "hovering over her". I pointed out that a year before, DD had been 1 1/2, and had JUST STARTED walking. Her comment was "Oh! She talked so much, I assumed she was older and you were just overprotective!" Research is great, but research doesn't nail down one child and their needs. My daughter has been very good at letting me know when she's ready for more and when she's not ready yet. >>> It's fascinating to me how people judge each other so much about >>> parenting. I'm just as guilty as the next person, although it took me [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] >My daughter has been very good at letting me know when she's ready for more >and when she's not ready yet. Well put. Also, the warnings, where they have real basis, often arise because of the likelihood of poor practices or dangerous practices in *some* famillies, being applied to all in order to capture the benefit for those famillies. These guidelines and warnings are drawn up by people involved in public health, after all. For example, the warning against ever warming a baby bottle in the microwave. Which, if you dig a little deeper, is all to do with the possibility that the parent or caretaker would fail to shake the bottle afterwards, leaving hot spots in the milk to harm the baby. In famillies and settings which are not well organized or even chaotic, you get a 12 year old tasked with the care of a baby sister, jostling around with a 10 year old brother, taking the bottle out and forgetting to shake it. But in my family, there was one person to do it, who I knew would be consistent (me). So I ignored that warning. Not that the warning shouldn't be out there, but that it needs to be intelligently applied to individual circumstances. I think that in terms of co-sleeping, my understanding is that a lot of the deaths have been tied to dangerous cosleeping practices, notably drinking alcohol. I didn't cosleep because felt really uncomfortable with the prospect because I can sleep very deeply. Banty >>>> It's fascinating to me how people judge each other so much >>>> about parenting. I'm just as guilty as the next person, although [quoted text clipped - 58 lines] > Not that the warning shouldn't be out there, but that it needs to be > intelligently applied to individual circumstances. It is not the application that I have a problem with, it is the warning itself that often omits the reasoning behind it. > I think that in terms of co-sleeping, my understanding is that a lot > of the deaths have been tied to dangerous cosleeping practices, [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Banty > For example, the warning against ever warming a baby bottle in the microwave. > Which, if you dig a little deeper, is all to do with the possibility that the > parent or caretaker would fail to shake the bottle afterwards, leaving hot spots > in the milk to harm the baby. I believe that the other reason for this warning is that if this is breast milk, then the milk that is overheated loses some healthful qualities. i >> It's fascinating to me how people judge each other so much about >> parenting. I'm just as guilty as the next person, although it took [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > mention how you felt but not that you did any research on the > question. Who cares if they are *on average.* She deemed hers to be. > I think too many parents are looking for validation of what they are > currently doing rather than objective information about what they [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >> Parents (well, people in general!) should go easier on each >> other. >I never called what I did 'co-sleeping'. I didn't have big thoughts > about it. If my husband was awake to move the baby back to the crib, [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > moms who just said no all the time. We all cared about our kids, and > we were simply focusing on different priorities. LOL. I'm not sure what is the jungle jim-is it what I'd call "monkey bars"? But we've got a sort of dozen circles 4' up that the child steps from one to another (gap about 8") holding onto the top of the circle. It always amused me to see #2 skipping across these at 18 months, in front of the 4yo boys whose dad's had just told them they were too young to do it. She only has one hand so she had to balance herslef well before she moved her hand, but really the main risk was that if someone tried to help her she's have a foot stamping strop up there. Debbie > LOL. I'm not sure what is the jungle jim-is it what I'd call "monkey > bars"? But we've got a sort of dozen circles 4' up that the child steps [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > she's have a foot stamping strop up there. > Debbie It's a matter of the parent knowing the child, I think, and not parents being too permissive or cautious. For example, DS as a 3yo had horrible balance and never seemed to have a sense of where he was in relation to his surroundings. He would fall from chairs onto his head on tile floors to the point that I had him sit only in toddler chairs; and he'd still fall and hit his head, because he couldn't remember to sit properly and would forget the that he was sitting sideways, lean back and fall. He fell over a babygate and broke his arm. He fell from everything you could imagine. There would be no way I would let him on monkey bars at that age. And parents would think I was overprotective and that's why he fell so much because he wasn't allowed to learn from his mistakes; but he'd have died if I let him. DD, OTOH, has amazing balance and dexterity. She could climb anything and she's never fallen, even as a toddler. I wouldn't mind letting her try the monkey bars whatever her age. For her, I would be accused of being overly permissive. >> LOL. I'm not sure what is the jungle jim-is it what I'd call "monkey >> bars"? But we've got a sort of dozen circles 4' up that the child steps [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > It's a matter of the parent knowing the child, I think, and not parents > being too permissive or cautious. Yes, I agree. #1 wouldn't have tried half the things #2 did at the same time (#1 being 3 years older) I have noticed that dads (round here they're usually not the stay at home one) are more likely to go to the two extremes. Either encouraging while child is too nervous, or trying to stop child from doing something that they can do easily. I remember one dad putting his (walking) toddler on the swing and I can only describe the push as "wobbling" the swing gently. He then said to me "do you think that's too violent" for him. I think that is from not knowing the child. Debbie > For example, DS as a 3yo had horrible balance and never seemed to have a > sense of where he was in relation to his surroundings. He would fall from [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > the monkey bars whatever her age. For her, I would be accused of being > overly permissive. "mom0f4boys" <momshea4@msn.com> wrote in message > It's fascinating to me how people judge each other so much about > parenting. I'm just as guilty as the next person, although it took me > a while to recognize that. Going to the park with my toddlers, and > letting them try all the equipment, watching the frowns as I let my 2- > year-old attempt the jungle-gym, I remember feeling defensive and > irritated..and JUDGED. I got those same looks with my DD3 when she would climb the jungle gym also. The other mothers just thought I was horrible for letting her climb. I'll never forget the stupid mother with her darling young baby scowling at me because DD3 was having a fit at having to sit in the grocery cart. Her look said that she was the perfect mother and her baby would never throw a fit like mine was. I hope she is a terror now, lol. I didn't realize at the time that with DD3's sensory issues that the cart was uncomfortable to her and the lights and too much activity of Meijers was overwhelming to her. Other mothers are very judgmental and I guess I am guilty of it too, but I never say anything to anyone about it (not in real life anyway, lol).  SignatureSue (mom to three girls) > There is a huge movement these days in my community to make parents > aware of how dangerous co-sleeping is. Apparantly there is a larger than > usual number of babies suffocating from being in bed with their parents. Unsafe cosleeping is unsafe. -- Anita -- Well if there are a lot of babies dying due to unsafe cosleeping practice, then the media and pediatricians need to make people aware of it. Unfortunately, they have to have a blanket warning because there are a lot of stupid people out there who are not co-sleeping safely. SignatureSue (mom to three girls) > There is a huge movement these days in my community to make parents aware > of how dangerous co-sleeping is. Apparantly there is a larger than usual [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > believe it makes one a horrible parent for doing so? > Marie |
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