Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / September 2008

Hmm...  I'm not sure how you've managed to lurk a fair amount and not have
heard from/recognized the happy marriages.  Tai, Doug A., Steph, Sheila,
(N)ellie, JWB, Atalanta, Emma Anne, Jen...I know I've missed people...
Anyway, all these are people with genuinely happy marriages.  Some, like Tai
and (N)ellie have always had good marriages.  Others, like Steph and Doug
A., have developed genuinely good marriages out of near disaster.  And still
others, like Jen, Sheila and Atalanta, have left a bad marriage and are now
happily married to their second spouses.

While they will occasionally talk about a special feeling or moment in their
marriage, they talk about them mostly in the context of giving advice to the
unhappy, based on what has worked for them, or how they overcame a similar
situation.

Xorra

We had the most wonderful marriage for 28 years; almost no day passed
when my DH did not remark on how happy he was to be married to me, and
everyone thought we were the ideal couple.  I was happy too.
I honestly do not know what happened to him a few years ago-- maybe
he hit his head too hard or did not take his medication and cut off
blood
circulation to the brain with the rope.  He changed a lot.  It is very
sad,
what happened.  He is now somewhat back to his old character
after reistatement of his medication, but there has been a change
both physically and mentally.  I came here for support and feedback
when something went wrong a few years ago and i could not understand
it.
He has taken back a lot of the crazy things he said during his
unmedicated
state, but he still insists that antidepressants are unnecessary-- i
am
glad his doctor is on his case for this as he likes his doctors.

Erin

I've been increasingly busy offline lately, rj, but there hasn't been a
whole lot for me to comment on recently in ASM, it's got so quiet. Also, I
feel as if all my advice and encouragement has got tired and washed out from
repetition.

I've been thinking about my neighbours a lot, recently. They were married
nearly 60 years ago and built the house they then lived in happily their
whole married life. They adore one another and have looked after each other
dearly all these years. Now in their 90s they recently had to move into an
aged care facility because they'd both become increasingly frail and unable
to cope, even with outside help. They are both as deaf as posts and Mary has
a dementia of some sort. She doesn't recognise me at all when I go to visit
them (she's known me for over 20 years) but she still knows her husband.
Fortunately they are in the same room in a lovely place where they are
well-cared for but both are very unhappy at having to leave their home,
understandably. They have pictures of when they were young in their room and
Mary likes to tell stories about their courting days - she still has a
wicked gleam, although she's also a lady!

I do think they are lucky to have each other so far into their final years
and I find them inspirational in the way they've always been so loving
towards the other, even in these final difficult years as their minds and
bodies fail them.

I think we can choose to be loving towards our spouse and choose to let the
little and medium ills slide but in the end both partners have to put
similar high levels of love and recognised effort into sustaining their
relationship, to achieve the greatest amount of long term happiness.

My marriage is on a pretty good swing.
Things like wet towels still get thrown on the hardwood, but that's nothing
to write home about.

For the most part, the digs DH had a habit of doing have gone down.
His WOW playing is at a moderate workable level.
I am trying not to be so flowery and subtle with my wants and needs, and I
am trying to shake the guilt I have for having those wants and needs.

Sex is better than good, lately.
That's good because dang if I can't slow that need down!

Biggest prob:  the disciplining of our kids.  We just can't seem to get on
the same page.
He blames me for all ill behaviour, I blame him for making matters worse in
the moment.

It will be 15 years come November.
Still trying to scrape up the money to buy him that motorcycle I owe him.
I would love to give him that surprise.

So, rj, tell us what makes your marriage genuinely happy.
What is your adivice?

Vickie

RJ, I left because the politics/squabbles from in here were spilling
over into my real life.  But, I agree with you... I think that is
something that is sorely needed, if this is to be a place of helping,
rather than just kvetching.

Sheila

I'm in a relationship in which I'm very, genuinely happy.

(I haven't got the original post.)

Did you read the title of the newsgroup?  It is for people needing support.
People in good relationships don't need support.  I am in Australia, aged
65.  The ones here in healthy relationships - and my pdoc - warned me
against regarding the marriages we see here as "average".  I think that
like Sheila (I have noticed you weren't about, Sheila; IMO you were one of
the "good marriage" cases) my own marriage has been negatively affected by
being here so regularly, or else it is just old age.  I am crabby and
irritable in other contexts as well.

Every so often we see someone post here that they have been happily married
for over 30 years.  I index death notices for genealogical purposes, and I
regularly see "Husband (wife) of X for 57 years" or so.  The record was
last week, about 65 years.  Often that is in the Notice instead of the
deceased's age (which I need; more frustration, if I let it.)  That is the
good news.  (It could mean that marriage in Australia is generally happier
than in the U.S., but I doubt it.  Our divorce rate is high as well.  It
could be a symptom of the ageing of the population.  These are the people
from my generation and earlier, who were practical as well as emotional
about choosing a partner, an who didn't expect to be out of the
relationship in 5 years, anyway.)

The group exists to help those with problems.  Marriage is one area in
particular, where copying what somebody else does, is no help.  Every
individual, every couple, is different.  Those who ask whether they are
getting as much sex as the others, even those who ask for a vote on which
of their relationship is more "reasonable", are asking the wrong question.
The only question is: Does it work for them, and if not, why not?
Occasionally the sites that let you contribute an article and be paid by
those reading it, invite us to write our experiences for them.  I am
against that for the same reason.

There are problems on both sides in my marriage.  I have cyclic depression,
which is difficult for any partner to take.  My wife has some strange
ideas, which seem to have come from her being a protected only child.  But
overall, we both have glimpses of the rewarding side of marriage, which
makes it all worthwhile.

Doug L.

I am happy I'm married, and I love my husband, but it feels a bit like
hubris to say I have A Happy Marriage.  :-)  We've had conflicts and
been to counselling.  We worked some things out and and we still work
around some other issues (mainly clutter and finances).  I hope DH is
happy.  I think so. But can you ever really know about another person?
I feel extra smart and intuitive when I feel confident I know about
myself.

Married for 16 years.  Second time for me, first for DH.  Two great kids
and a yappy little dog.