Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / September 2008

...Well, that's what I heard earlier today, and it almost made me vomit.

N stopped by today.  This is after I talked to him/saw him last on the
Sunday before last.  He was supposed to call and pick his stuff up on
Wednesday.  Didn't call, didn't show up.  Called today (8 days after I heard
from him last) and I think he only called because it was raining most of the
day, he obviously wasn't working in the rain and had nothing better to do.
So, he said he'd like to stop by and also had some lousy excuse about how no
one would help him the last 8 days to move his stuff out of here.
I feel like I should have told him I was busy and had things to do and today
wasn't a good day for him to just come by to "visit" and play like he's a
good daddy and person... but I didn't.
I'm just starting to feel like things are going alright and then he calls
and shows up here.

Obviously the girls were excited - DD1 just turned 3 in August and DD2 will
be 2 in October.  DS, actually, didn't care to see him and didn't want him
to come back or anything.  He turned 7 in Jan.  I asked him why.  At first
he wouldn't give me an answer, and I think because he was scared I'd get mad
at him or he'd get in trouble if he said what he wanted to say, but I pushed
him a little and he said he didn't want him to come back here because N is
mean to him and isn't nice.  Mean to a 7 year old, I know, can be anything
from, "they push me off my bike and call me names" to "they won't let me eat
candy and do as I please"  I know lately that N has been a jerk to everyone.
Just the things he does, how he acts.  In all honesty, DS is NOT going to
get in trouble or anything for feeling the way he does.  When N was here,
even, DS didn't say anything to him and didn't stick around long before
taking off to play outside - and I let him.

Well, N had some more garbage out of his mouth.  Something about how he
misses the kids - and me too.  And also something about how he needs to
straighten himself out and 'grow up'.  At this point I didn't know if I
should laugh, yell or cry.  Quite frankly, a number of years and a number of
children later is a little too late, IMO.  Then he said something about how
he was sitting on the bus the other day and there was someone on the bus
with a young child and he started to cry as he thought about all of us.  He
said that it's not easy like this for him (and at first I wanted to throw
myself on the floor right there, kick my feet and flail my arms and scream,
"Oooh!  Boo Hooooooo!")  Then I asked him if he really had ANY idea at
all... After he told me that it looks like I'm doing good and all that...
the house is the cleanest it's ever been that he can remember (and actually
my mom made this same comment just Friday when she was here) and how the
kids seem to be having good behavior and how I talk to them a lot better and
all that... That's when I asked him if he had ANY idea... About how I have
to ask my mom to drop off a jug of milk or loaf of bread on her way to
work... how I have to ask my mom or a friend to watch the kids when I have a
doc appointment - which I had one last Monday morning then my ultrasound on
Tuesday the next day... How my mom has been taking DS to and from football
practice because I can't... How I can't go for coffee or roll over and and
have a nice sleep at night... And how nice I think it would be if HE stayed
here and lived here and *I* was the one that got to pack my bags and really
wouldn't mind living on someone's couch instead.  He actually had the balls
to say that he wouldn't mind that - he would rather be here than have no
real home in the living room on someone's couch... He'd much rather be with
the kids than nowhere, where he is now.

He then at one point even had the balls to say he loves me.  That's almost
when I lost it.  The way he acts, things he says and does... that just does
not seem like a way normal people show their love.  I get to spend my days
and nights like this, every day... I get to spend the full second half of
this pregnancy on my own, and in all honesty, I don't want to even be
pregnant.  When I first found out about this one, I had actually considered
NOT telling him and thought I'd just do what I felt was best for me and all
of us and not go through with it.  But I felt I should tell him and he said
that everything is going to be alright.  Now it's far too late to consider
any other options.  Unless I go to like maybe Mexico or something??

He says he needs to grow up and figure things out for himself.  Really, I do
think it's a little late to come to these conclusions like this.  I do feel
he has NO idea what family is and has absolutely NOTHING as far as values
for what a family is.  Speaking of which, his lovely mother hasn't seen any
of the kids since DS's birthday in January.  She didn't even come to DD1's
birthday last month and I actually have no intention of calling her when
DD2's birthday comes around in a month.  All his brother seems to be good
for is the drugs.  Other than that, his brother really is a waste of skin.
Same with his sister, minus the drugs part.  He comes from a family full of
deadbeats.  I guess the apples really don't fall far from the tree.  In this
case, though, it's like the apples fall right on eachother and instantly
turn into applesauce or something.

He said tomorrow his mom is going to come and help him take his stuff.  I
will get whatever I find and have it outside for him.  I really have no
desire to see him or his mother, actually, and I have no desire for the kids
to see either as well.  The girls don't need to see him off and on, 2 days
in a row and then maybe not see him for 2 weeks... Plus, DS doesn't even
seem to want to see him.  And as far as his mom goes, the kids don't even
know who she is anyways.  And she's ALWAYS yelling at the kids whenever we
would see her on the rare occasion.

Anyways, he didn't stay here very long today.  Maybe an hour or so.  He
plans to go and "grow up" and told me not to put MY life on hold.  He said
if I move on with my life and he misses out, then that will be his loss - or
something. I want to know who says that... Honestly.  He has all these plans
to keep living on this new friend's couch where this guy, apparently, lives
with his dad in some apartment or something.  Plans to live there for at
least a month or so, then find his own place.  And he thinks he's going to
pay rent, bills, buy food, general living costs, plus money each month for
the kids.  Riiight.  Also, he said, that the kids will be a priority to
provide for, then he'll live off of whatever is left.  This I will believe
when I see it.  Because I don't believe it.  He's left for days and weeks at
a time before, blown every last penny and left me with absolutely nothing
(and knew damn well that I had nothing at all when he left)  He also said
something about getting half of whatever I get for selling my other van...
Because he paid for half of it.  Which isn't true.  My mom has it all
written down and I/we still owe her almost half for that van and I gave her
a good chunk of the original van's cost right off the bat of money I had
stashed and saved up - this isn't even including the added costs put into it
for a few repairs and such that needed to be done before I had it on the
road.  Anyways, I wanted to laugh but didn't.  At least he didn't try and
say that rather than us selling it, he'd take it and use it for work and for
himself - he still doesn't even have a license... But anyways... I just
can't take this.

I guess I'm just venting.  I haven't felt like this in a while, and really,
I feel like sh.t.  I feel worn out, tired, beat, exhausted.  I just feel
like crap all around.  And before he left, he said that he loves me so much,
misses me, bla bla bla.  He also made me say it as well.
I do love him.  I do worry and think about him and yes, again, I do love him
very, very much.  Right now, though, I don't know if I can look at him and
tell him that I really do love him.  I do love him, though, it's just that
I'm not sure I can tell him I love him right now and really mean it when I
say it to his face.  This whole situation is making me sick.

Sorry for going on and on... I think I just need to get this out and off my
shoulders.