Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / October 2008

But maybe it helps her.    I don't see it as a problem.  :-)

CD wrote:\

Yes, i know--- it's starting to look like a blogette here;
talking to yourself is a sure sign of lunacy.  So here it
is in writing - very good advice from NAMI.  My last
step to recovery and learning to cope.   Sorry for the
OT (marriage and mental health) rambling.  I am true net hound.
Thanks for reading.

STEP  no. 10:

(post above)----
"Welcome to
Mental Health America of Eastern Missouri

Good afternoon!
Saturday
October 18, 2008

......cut
Mental Health Links

16 Pointers to Help a Partner (and you) Live with Mental Illness

1.     The mental illness your partner suffers with is something that
is
happening to your entire family.  All are affected; it is nobody’s
fault.
It is not your partner’s fault; it is not your fault; it is not your
children’s fault.
IT IS NOBODY’S FAULT. It is an unfortunate illness.  It is NOT
automatic
grounds for divorce, any more than any other disability.

2.     You cannot fix your partner. There is nothing you can do to
make him/her
well, so don’t feel compelled to try. You don’t have all the answers.
All you can
do is be supportive and loving (in a profound sense), and handle the
everyday
details and practical issues of life for her/him that s/he cannot cope
with.

3.     All members of the family have a responsibility to cope with
the illness.
Escape is not a helpful way of dealing with the crisis.  You all need
each other.

4.     The ill partner must recognize and accept the illness, be
willing to receive
treatment, and if possible, learn to manage the illness. S/he must
cooperate with
his/her medical team.  S/he must take her/his  medications.  S/he must
learn to
recognize relapse symptoms.  If the ill partner is not willing to do
these things,
it may become impossible for the family to continue to support him/
her.
The family is not required to throw away their own lives for someone
who
refuses to cooperate.  There are limits, and they must be enforced
without feelings of guilt.

5.     Educate yourself concerning every aspect of the illness.
Education
brings compassion. Ignorance just encourages anger and fear.

6.     Grieve your loss.  It is a great loss. The grief process for
this
illness is identical to the grief process for the death of a
partner.
You need to allow yourself to experience the entire process of
grieving.

7.     Get help for yourself to cope with this incredible challenge,
either
from your own counseling sessions or a NAMI support group.
You can’t do it alone. With help, you can live life with gusto.
Don’t refuse to recognize your own need for help just because the
ill partner is getting most of the attention.  This illness is
happening
to your whole family.  You should not try to do it alone.

8.     Help your children understand the illness as much as their age
allows.  NO FAMILY SECRETS! Don’t deny them the opportunity to
learn about the illness, the unfair stigma attached to it, and to
develop
their own coping skills.  It can be an incredible learning opportunity
for
them.  If they need professional help to understand it and their own
feelings,
get it for them.

9.     Try to create a safe environment for the partner to express her/
himself
without feeling threatened, constrained or condemned.  S/he
desperately
needs a nurturing, safe place to express the incredible frustration s/
he is
feeling about her/his illness.

10.  You and your children need to share your feelings honestly and
openly.
They are suffering a loss also.  It’s okay to feel angry and
cheated.
At times you may feel embarrassed by the ill partner’s behavior.
Avoid trying to protect your partner by not discussing the problem
with family members or friends. Don’t require your children to
conspire
with you in a code of "Family Secrecy." Family secrets will isolate
you from others.
Humor and openness will help the entire family, including your
partner, accept the
illness for exactly what it is and reduce guilt for all family
members.  Remember that
small children, by their very nature, assume that they are
responsible for anything
in their environment that goes wrong.

11.  Never put yourself or your children in physical danger.  If you
sense
your partner is becoming dangerous, you should leave and call for
professional help.
You should never tolerate abuse of you or your children! Say NO and
mean it.
Trust your instincts and intuitions on this.

12.  Become your partner’s advocate with the medical professionals,
assertively
involved in treatment and medication. Don’t be afraid to go along to
appointments,
to call his/her psychiatrist if you suspect something isn’t right, or
to inform the
psychiatrist of the effects of the medication being prescribed.  If
the psychiatrist
won’t cooperate with you, demand a different one.  Stand your ground
assertively,
but try not to be a pain in the neck.  Treatment should involve the
entire family, so
find a professional who will work with the whole family.  You know
more about your
partner’s illness than anyone else.

13.  Coldly assess what your partner can and cannot handle, then
compensate
assertively.  Most people with severe mental illness cannot handle
money, some
household chores, time commitments, relatives or too much stress.  It
is not
uncommon for them to want to move all the time, searching for peace.
You
must not do things for your partner that s/he can do for her/himself.
Don’t rob
her/him of dignity.  Recognize the imperative need to create some
stability for
your family, financially and otherwise.  You will probably need to get
a job and
develop a career.

14.  Maintain your own identity.  Resist becoming consumed with his/
her illness.
Life goes on and you have an obligation to yourself and your children
to take
care of yourself and meet your own needs. We all must continue to
develop as
valuable human beings, so don’t play the martyr role and sacrifice
yourself.

15.   Always hope for healing.  The medications do work and new ones
are
being developed.  You may get your partner back whole some day.  If
nothing
else, the experience will broaden and deepen you in ways you never
imagined.
You can be a better person for it.  Or you can choose to let it
destroy you and
your family.  It is your choice.

16.  Keep in mind that bad things happen to almost anyone and you are
no
exception.  You have not been singled out for special persecution.
Trying to make good choices in life won’t protect you from
misfortune.
You haven’t been dumb to get yourself in this situation.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Life is not easy.  We have to take what we get
and make the
best of it.  “Bloom where you are planted.”

Principles of Support

·        We will see the individual first, not the illness.

·        We recognize that mental illnesses are brain disorders.

·        We aim for better coping skills.

·        We find strength in sharing experiences.

·        We reject stigma in ourselves and others.

·        We won’t judge anyone’s pain as less than our own.

·        We forgive ourselves and reject guilt.

·        We embrace humor as healthy.

·        We accept that we cannot resolve all problems.

·        We expect a better future in a realistic way.

·         We will never give up hope!

Thanks to NAMI of Missouri for reprint permission.
1-573-634-7727; 1-800-374-2138

Return to Mental Health Facts and Myths"

Erin