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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2009Therapists
I don't know what therapists do, but he's certainly changed since spending thousands of dollars on them -- sicker, more depressed, amnesic, apathetic and very antisocial. Good work! Erin > I don't know what therapists do, but he's certainly changed since > spending thousands of dollars on them -- > sicker, more depressed, amnesic, apathetic and very > antisocial. Good work! Typically what they do has a lot to do with what their client wants. The question would be, what is your husband trying to get out of therapy? My opinion is that therapy is most likely to be successful when clients go into the therapuetic relationship with some specific things they are asking for help from their therapist for. That doesn't mean that the list of things they want help with may not change and grow. What it does mean is that therapists can't magically make you perfect. The best they can do is help you work on what _you_ want to work on. > > I don't know what therapists do, but he's certainly changed since > > spending thousands of dollars on them -- [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > What it does mean is that therapists can't magically make you perfect. > The best they can do is help you work on what _you_ want to work on. In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer the patient to a psychiatrist or doctor first, and the tell him to come back for the "issues". Erin > In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer > the [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Erin Do you never, ever get tired of coming back and repeating the same things over and over again? You aren't likely to get different answers. Xorra > > In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer > > the [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > Xorra I don't have anyone else to talk to. I like the internet as it enables me to work out the problems in my life. It's free and there are people who can continue a discussion indefinitely. Erin >> > In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer >> > the [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > Erin But you don't seem to be working them out at all. You come and say things like this, and then you come and say you've reached agreement of some kind, and then you come and say this again. I agree with his doctors. You are going to HAVE to learn to accept that woman in his life, because he WON'T give her up no matter what. It's not right, it's not fair, but it's your reality. It's my reality now too. Xorra > >> > In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer > >> > the [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > > Xorra I'm a sceptic Xorra. I don't want to jump to a conclusion when a multitude of theories are open, due to lack of information, secrecy, ignorance, prejudice or just not knowing the facts. I think a lot of harm can be done that way. Check out "war propaganda" for example. Nope; I will wait for the truth. Emotinally, I have found these chats very helpful, so I am making progress. As for the therapists they seem more confused than I am - each getting a different story from DH - so in a way you cannot blame them-- but sane conflicts may not be the problem - depression might be-- see what I mean? Erin >> >> > In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer >> >> > the [quoted text clipped - 41 lines] > conflicts may not be the problem - depression might be-- see what > I mean? I just don't see how it's helping you, that's all. I mean, the issues and the words even are almost the exact same. I think it's sad that you are so stuck in the same place. Xorra > >> >> > In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer > >> >> > the [quoted text clipped - 47 lines] > > Xorra Trust me Xorra, it is helping me. I am not in the same place. This is like free counselling and unravelling a tangled web. BTW, I smell a rat from an unexpected direction. I'm not sad at all. I am much better by having the freedom to think things through - every minute, and single detail. Erin >>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer >>>>>> the patient to a psychiatrist or doctor first, and the tell him to [quoted text clipped - 49 lines] > > Xorra Maybe just talking it out is of some value to her, Xorra? You feel it has that potential too, n'est pas? The bottom line is: we can't solve anyone else's problems here. That fix has to come from within. > >>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer > >>>>>> the patient to a psychiatrist or doctor first, and the tell him to [quoted text clipped - 55 lines] > The bottom line is: we can't solve anyone else's problems here. That fix > has to come from within. If it is/was an affair and he's been lying to me about it, then his time is going to come. But if as he swears there was no such thing, and I am deluded, then I guess his advice to the dr. to give me antipsychotics for schizophrenia is justified. Time will tell. Erin >>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should >>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 63 lines] > > Erin Maybe it depends on how he "defines it". I don't know. I don't think you're schizophrenic. > >>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should > >>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 66 lines] > Maybe it depends on how he "defines it". I don't know. I don't think > you're schizophrenic. Yeah, maybe-- as in legaleze but the drugs were not aspirin. They were antipsychotics for schizophrenia. Maybe schizophrenia is being redefined as bipolar with a little schizo sauce on the top or mixed schizophrenia. It must have been a delusion anyway and the timing was so apropos - no such drugs prescribed for 28 years of the marriage. Ahem. >>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should >>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 79 lines] > timing was so apropos - no such drugs prescribed for 28 years of > the marriage. Ahem. Is bipolar a subset of schziophenia? At any rate, just talking to you here, you don't sound toooo schizophrenic to me. But then again, maybe I can't see reality very clearly, either. I'd better take the 5th on that one, in the interests of full disclosure. >>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should >>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 67 lines] > timing was so apropos - no such drugs prescribed for 28 years of > the marriage. Ahem. Erin - Have you thought about seeking help from a different doctor? I thought you might have issues that could use professional help, but if you were already seeking that help, did you look past the first doctor treating you? Bob >>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should >>>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 86 lines] > > Bob I think there are two issues here. One is with Erin and perhaps her meds, but the other is with her husband. And the two seem inextricably related, at least at this point. But the doctor can't solve the latter, and I think Erin has already stated her options are limited. >>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should >>>>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 89 lines] > related, at least at this point. But the doctor can't solve the latter, > and I think Erin has already stated her options are limited. Thanks Bill. That was also running around in my mind. I still hope for the best outcome, but both have to work towards it. Maybe a good reminder here is "I can only hope for a good outcome, when I can't control it". Bob >>>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should >>>>>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 102 lines] > > Bob That thought, "I can only hope for a good outcome when I can't control it", is fascinating. Where does that come from? I'm still thinking about it, and wonder if and when it's really true. Maybe, sometimes, it is the truth. >>>>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should >>>>>>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 104 lines] > is fascinating. Where does that come from? I'm still thinking about it, > and wonder if and when it's really true. Maybe, sometimes, it is the truth. Bill - It comes from my heart, and painful experiences. And to be honest, I think it is true most of the time. If we were certain we could direct circumstances in a favorable direction, we'd all be practicing that very thing :-) Bob >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> should [quoted text clipped - 122 lines] > Bill - It comes from my heart, and painful experiences. And to be > honest, I think it is true most of the time. But I'm not so sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. > If we were certain we could direct circumstances in a favorable > direction, we'd all be practicing that very thing :-) > > Bob Would we all? I'm not so sure. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> should [quoted text clipped - 130 lines] > > Would we all? I'm not so sure. Of course you are right here since I used the word "all". You should also note that I did not say it was a good thing or not. BTW, the word "control" was a poor choice. If I were to go back and edit, I'd change it to "influence". But we are drifting away from the thread. If it continues, I'd like to get back to Erin's posting. Bob > >>>>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should > >>>>>>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 112 lines] > > Bob I pretty much agree with you Bob. Altho I know there are forces beyond my control, and even entertain the belief that *all* forces are actually beyond my control, I do try to direct what I can favorably, and when it doesn't turn out so, to step back and try to figure out how to salvage whatever I can in the most favorable way. But then again, my zen experience, as you put it, probably still has my usually cynically idealist brain clouded with optimism still--tho I am now back in my home town and other life, which so far has been wonderful. Seeing all my friends (everyone inviting me to dinner! :), all who recognize that "I'm back" (kinda like the terminator, LOL?) Fill >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 111 lines] > > Fill Enjoy it while you have it sweetie. These moments don't last. They probably also realize you are a keeper (friend or otherwise). Your pal, Bob > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 118 lines] > > Bob Awww, thanks. Yeah, they do think I'm a keeper (friends, there is no "otherwise" in my current life...he who didn't find me a keeper isn't in my life any longer...) How're things going on your end? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 118 lines] > > How're things going on your end? Lonely, But I do have lovable friends like you to ease the pain. Bob > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 122 lines] > > Bob Ease the pain....I had my first step of two different root canals this morning (six steps in all; apparently I have a complicated root complex!)...came home and vomited all morning, finally kept food down but it feels like someone put a jackhammar against my jaw. Fortunately, both sons are sharing "mom-care" duties and friends have dropped off soup, cheese, yogurt, and spice cake. What are you doing to be less lonely? Or not ready yet?? Fill > >>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should > >>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 74 lines] > > Bob That's a loaded question and could only come from someone who already thinks that there was no reason to believe in an extramarital affair - contrary to his own confession of "sort of at first sexual attraction" then "soulmate" "yes i love her but in a different way" and "yes I will continue my relationship with her forever". Q.E.D. Maybe he needs another doctor. Erin > > >>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should > > >>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 81 lines] > different way" and "yes I will continue my relationship with her > forever". Q.E.D. Maybe he needs another doctor. Erin, you have quite the chip on your shoulder this morning. I don't know what Bob believes, but I don't believe his questions was loaded, I think it was genuine and empathetic. Bob's question has no implications whatsoever about whether your husband is having or has had an extramarital affair. > > > >>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should > > > >>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 89 lines] > Bob's question has no implications whatsoever about whether your > husband is having or has had an extramarital affair. Sorry, that may be out of context, and the post was not read some time ago. But as of now, I see that I have reason to be happy with the efforts my husband is making to make us both happy. I think we've reached a good stage. So, unless something unpleasant comes up in the future, I will do my best too and let him have his own life. Things could be so much worse. thanks Erin >>>>>>>>>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should >>>>>>>>>>>>>> refer [quoted text clipped - 101 lines] > > Erin Thanks Doug, you were right on target (as usual). I never even thought about if DH was cheating or not. To me, that point was moot as it would seem more of a symptom if indeed he was, than the problem. But that's just how I think. I also know the first doctors we see may not be of any help at all, and was thinking possibly better results may occur with a different doctor. I know the very first "marriage counselor" we saw was a complete waste of our time. I don't need to hear after every statement I make "and how did that make you feel?". I don't need to give money to someone for asking the questions I've already asked myself. Erin - You won't have to over analyze any of my posts :-) I've always been rather transparent. If anything, if something I post seems to have irony in it, it's usually me having internalized my response, and my answer is likely a rhetorical response as apposed to a rhetorical question. Bob >>> > In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer >>> > the [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > > Xorra Xorra - How many of your posts (good/bad/good/bad) did we have to read through? Everyone is different, and come to their own conclusions when they are ready. Bob >>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer >>>>> the patient to a psychiatrist or doctor first, and the tell him to [quoted text clipped - 31 lines] > > Bob Very salient advice, Bob. Kudos. I think we all tend to project, at times. :-) I'm not quite ready to say "the journey is the reward", however. :-) >>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer >>>>>> the patient to a psychiatrist or doctor first, and the tell him to [quoted text clipped - 31 lines] > I think we all tend to project, at times. :-) > I'm not quite ready to say "the journey is the reward", however. :-) Bill - On further thought on your last point. It may not be a reward, but it is a good cheap thrill. Bob >>>>>>> In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer >>>>>>> the patient to a psychiatrist or doctor first, and the tell him to [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > > Bob But you know what? I'd be willing to give up some of those "thrills". Maybe I can send them to NASA for the next launch. > > > I don't know what therapists do, but he's certainly changed since > > > spending thousands of dollars on them -- [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > back > for the "issues". Right, we know that is what you think. It might or might not be correct. It also might or might not be what the therapist thinks. In any case, therapists are neither magicians nor are they witch doctors. If a client comes to them asking for a certain kind of help, the therapists can try to give appropriate help, and there is no guarantee that it will work. If it does work for your husband (in terms of helping get him what _he_ wants), there is also no guarantee that _you_ will like the results. |
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