Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2009

On Jul 21, 2:12 pm, Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovet...@gmail.com>
wrote:

Besides, if Doug L.'s reasons for staying were a) the children needed
them both and b) he was too ill to survive alone, I'm not sure how
changing the defaults would help.  The children would still have
needed them both, and then he still would have been too ill to survive
alone.

Sarah

You would be quite right there.  She is the rational one.  Her father was an
engineer, and she did pharmacy.  Because of that, she seems not to be able
to comprehend what I say about emotions.  We seem so different, but while
courting, we were described as the perfect lovers.  That one really
surprised me.  My psychiatrist says that we are plainly suited to each
other.

I am probably an emotional type forced to be an intellectual.  I once
commented that part of me would like to have been very artistic.  My
daughter would study nothing but dance.  But my father, while encouraging my
musical abilities, placed great store by intellectual achievement.  His
father did it to him and his brother as well, wanting them both to become
doctors.  My father became a dentist instead.  I was pressured to perform
well at school and was Dux of my school at high school level (Year 12.)  I
also took out an award for topping my State in French (Those with an
advantage of birth or language in the home were excluded.)  I am too
intellectual, and had the image of a "geek".  I can't get close to people.  
Iwas the eldest, with a younger brother and sister.  In my teen years, when
the others showed an interest in girls, I had no interest at all. Being in a
school for boys only did not help.  A girl in second year University showed
an interest in me, but I didn't follow it up.  My wife was my first real
girlfriend, and I was prepared for her to be the first of several, but it
didn't work out that way.  By the late 1960's, we were both ready to settle
down.  I thought that she was reeling me in too fast.

I was a difficult birth, and was under a neurologist for years.  I wasn't
told why, but I understand that I suffered some oxygen loss and consequent
brain damage in the motor area.  My co-ordination is bad, but not enough to
be noticeable.  My movements are sloppy.  My reflexes have been affected to
some extent.  Sports are out for me.  But basically, I feel emotionally
isolated.

As if that wasn't enough disabilities, I inherited depression from my
grandmother.  The neuro diagnosed it early, but my father "didn't believe"
in depression.  He followed the opinions of his day.   In his opinion I was
just gutless, not sick.  They were saying the same thing then about soldiers
with shell-shock.  I have traced my family tree back through my grandmother
to 1805, then forward to other relatives.  There are cases of depression and
suicide everywhere.  My nearest affected relative was my cousin, for whom my
father showed contempt.  Xorra had depression in her family; two of her
sisters were affected.  Recently, she posted that it had her in its grip,
and would not go away.  I react differently.  Mike Corley
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Corley_Conspiracy) probably has a different
problem.  He gets out of hand, apparently, only when he goes off his
medication.  I haven't heard from him for a few years.  I think that it was
most unfair to hold him up to public ridicule, as "the man who has seen George
Orwell's 1984," although it is a pretty accurate description.

I think that you are pretty aware of the issues surrounding depression.  
There are no quick cures.  Some cases respond to counselling or cognitive
therapy, others to drugs.  Every touted cure "works" (for some.)  All the
support sites can do is offer information, and I already have enough of
that.  There is evidence that inherited cases, like Xorra and me, have
different brains.  I have been on antidepressants of every class at one time
or another.  My psychiatrist has tackled my case by trying to restore what
my brain chemistry is failing at.  Normal SSRIs (I am on Efexor,) were some
help.  Her latest trick, which seems to have been very successful, is l-
methionine, a precursor of Sam-e. (see http://www.mentalmeds.org .) Straight
Sam-e was too strong for me, but with l-methionine, my mood is much closer
to normal.  That was based on tests, and won't necessarily be the right
thing for others.  But I will never be entirely free of it.  Many just fold
their hands and wait for the right drug to come along.  I have always tried
to look on it as a disability, and to live to the full where I can.

We went to Queensland for a fortnight ending June 28.  I handled it very
well, and we got very close.  Perhaps we got too close; I have heard of one
couple who had a similar vacation, then re-established the old comfort zone
with an almighty row.  I always feel as though home has a psychological
dimension, if I can put it that way.  It encourages certain attitudes and
habits.  That is part of how a home is different from a house.  The concept
seems peculiar to the English language.  It doesn't exist in French, for
example, although we may use the word "home" when translating.  I wonder how
other cultures manage without a word for "home."

Perhaps I am too subjective.  Perhaps I get out of control.  On one occasion
I was on the phone to my daughter.  I have absolutely no recollection of the
conversation.  I feel easily devalued.  When I am in the grip of the thing,
it takes control.  I can realise that I am being unreasonable, but that is
my reality at that moment.  There is always the feeling that others can't
experience what I am feeling, so they can't understand.  I am, if you like,
emotionally disabled to some extent.  I attended the Australian 12-step
group, GROW for some time, before I knew what my diagnosis was.  But during
the past few days my wife has been worried about me.  Now I am back pretty
well to normal (for me.) We had an appointment together this afternoon, and
went out for coffee afterwards.

Thank you for your support.

Doug L.

It says more about Doug than it does about Australia.

Doug L could easily find supporting evidence, and the good thing is
that this is a plus for women--and for men who share those more
subjective, intuitive, emotional intelligences.