Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2009

Bed-Sharing Problems... Solved!

Paul Rosenblatt, PhD

University of Minnesota

The bed is meant to be a place of rest and relaxation. For those who
share a bed with a partner, however, it instead can bring
sleeplessness and strained relationships.

Examples: One partner wishes to read, talk or watch TV in bed... one
partner likes to go to bed early, the other much later... or one
partner hogs the blankets.

In the January 1, 2009, issue of Bottom Line/Personal, we offered
strategies for snoring. Here, other common bed-sharing problems -- and
ways in which couples have solved them...

DIFFERENT SLEEP HOURS

One partner goes to bed early... the other much later. These late
arrivers often wake their early-to-bed partners. For many busy
couples, falling asleep together is the closest, most intimate part of
the day, so going to bed at different times can lead to less marital
satisfaction.

Solutions: Your partner might not understand that you consider having
different sleep schedules a problem. Explain why this matters to you.
Do you feel less close? Are you having less sex? Do you have trouble
falling asleep when your partner is not there?

Most couples can synchronize their sleep schedules if they put in the
effort. Some partners argue, "I can’t help that I’m a morning person,"
or "I can’t help that I’m a night owl," but shift workers manage to
adjust their schedules for their jobs, so there is no reason we can’t
do so for our relationships. Both partners can adjust their sleep
schedules a little so that neither has to make a dramatic change.

Special situations...

If one partner is staying up late or going to bed early specifically
to have some time alone, perhaps this private time can be scheduled
earlier in the day.

If the late-to-bed partner intends to come to bed earlier but never
seems to manage this, determine what is causing the delay. If
household chores that must be completed before bedtime are to blame,
these chores could be started earlier in the day or allocated more
evenly between the partners.

If you don’t mind going to bed at a different time than your partner
-- some couples don’t consider this a problem -- but miss the physical
intimacy and togetherness of lying in bed together, agree to schedule
bedroom "dates" for togetherness or sex even if the night owl partner
does not remain in bed afterward.

If the night owl simply cannot manage to come to bed early, the early-
to-bed partner might agree that it’s OK for the night owl to wake him/
her up when the night owl does come to bed. The couple can spend time
together in bed at this late hour before drifting off to sleep
together.

Helpful: If possible, avoid sleep schedule compromises that set early
bedtimes on some nights but late bedtimes on others, such as on
weekends. Though this might seem like an equitable solution, most
people sleep best when they follow the same schedule every day.

TEMPERATURE WARS/Blanket hogging

He wakes up feeling warm and opens the window, then she wakes up cold
and closes it. Due to differences in body chemistry, one person can
feel warm, another cold, at the same sleep temperature. The result can
be nighttime window and thermostat wars and/or blanket hogging as each
partner tries to meet his/her own needs.

Solutions: Some couples add an extra blanket over only the colder
partner’s side of the bed. Uneven covers can shift during sleep,
however, so other couples instead use completely separate coverings
for each side of the bed. Or purchase an electric blanket that has
separate temperature controls for each side.

BEDTIME CONVERSATION

One partner wants to have serious discussions in bed at night, but the
other is too sleepy to talk or feels that discussing difficult issues
late at night makes it hard to relax and get to sleep.

Solution: Spouses who want to talk at night need to respect their
partners’ desire to sleep or relax in bed. A sleepy spouse isn’t
likely to be a strong conversationalist anyway. In return, spouses who
do not want to talk at night must respect their partners’ need to have
these conversations at some point. Propose another time in the near
future when you can have this chat... or block out time in your
regular schedule for distraction-free conversations. You might want to
schedule walks together to get away from the distractions of the home,
such as the television.

WATCHING TV/READING IN BED

Some people consider watching TV or reading a book a fine way to wind
down and fall asleep, but the resulting noise, light and movement can
keep their partners awake. Solutions...

TV watchers can use closed captioning or earphones, and their partners
can put in earplugs.

Book readers can use book lights or focused-beam bedside lights, while
their partners wear eye masks.

If this is not sufficient, consider implementing a rationing system --
TV or reading in bed is allowed only until a certain hour or for a
specific show or number of pages each night. If the TV watcher/reader
still is not ready for sleep, this partner must go to a different room
and return quietly and without turning on a light when he/she is ready
to sleep.

RestlessNess

Some people move around a lot when they sleep.

Solution: Buying a larger mattress or sleeping on two twin mattresses
pushed together can prevent one partner’s movements from waking the
other.

Important: Certain medical conditions, including restless leg
syndrome, can cause restlessness. Talk to your doctor.

BEDTIME ARGUMENTS

Some people feel strongly that couples should not fall asleep while
mad at each other and insist on hashing out disagreements at night in
bed -- but their partners might be just as convinced that it’s better
to delay bedtime arguments until morning so that everyone can simmer
down and get some rest. Disagreements often seem less serious in the
morning.

Solution: What’s most important is not which of these strategies is
used -- each has its merits -- but that couples agree in advance about
which to use when arguments occur.

Compromise is possible. A couple might attempt to solve arguments
until a certain preset hour at night but agree to suspend their
arguments until the next day if no resolution appears by then. This
couple also might agree to exchange kind words and heartfelt
statements of love before sleep to dial down the anger when arguments
are suspended.

ENCROACHING ON A PARTNER’S
SIDE OF THE BED

Some people like to sleep curled up with their mates, but their
movements wake their partner or the position makes the partner too
hot.

Solutions: Couples faced with this conflict might agree to curl up
together when first arriving in bed but move apart as sleep nears. Or
they might agree to just hold hands or touch feet so that there is
some contact. They also might search for opportunities for physical
contact during the day to make the loss of contact at night seem a bit
less important.

If the desire to sleep curled up together stems from a need to borrow
body warmth from a partner, try the temperature disagreement solutions
mentioned above.

Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Paul Rosenblatt, PhD, professor of
family social science at University of Minnesota, Twin Cities. He is
author of Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Bed Sharing

, which is based on interviews with 88 individuals who regularly share
a bed with a partner (State University of New York).