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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / November 2009Need a married woman's POV
Hello, I have been married for the past 7 years. I am very happily married and love my wife to death. We both have never have been unfaithful to each other. Our issue is with intimacy. While we try to talk things through, it still seems to be a very, very slow work in progress. We both want more of it but it doesn't seem to happen. I am not sure how to rectify this, short of going to a counselor. In a vacuum, how would we be able to work on this and make more time and need for this? Thanks in advance. > Hello, I have been married for the past 7 years. I am very happily > married and love my wife to death. We both have never have been [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > Thanks in advance. A woman's point of view is likely useless unless by some coincidence the PoV is the same as your wife's. Without more detail about the nature of the problem it will be difficult to help you. For instance, what do you mean by intimacy? Some people use this as a code word for sex. Or do you mean you feel distant from each other? Why is there an absence of intimacy? Lack of time? Interest in general vs specific instance at the time? Kids? ... More detail would potentially allow us to help you. Cheers. Stephanie > Hello, I have been married for the past 7 years. I am very happily > married and love my wife to death. We both have never have been [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > more of it but it doesn't seem to happen. I am not sure how to > rectify this, short of going to a counselor. P.S. What's wrong with going to a counselor? > In a vacuum, how would we be able to work on this and make more time > and need for this? > > Thanks in advance. > Hello, I have been married for the past 7 years. I am very happily > married and love my wife to death. We both have never have been [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > more of it but it doesn't seem to happen. I am not sure how to > rectify this, short of going to a counselor. As Stephanie says, why not go to a counselor? One seeks expert advice exactly when one is in a position where one's own efforts have not been yielding the desired results. > In a vacuum, how would we be able to work on this and make more time > and need for this? I don't think there is a good answer in a vacuum. I think details and circumstances matter. Having said that, there are a couple books on the ASM book list that might be helpful. I'd think about both "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" author: Willard Harley Jr and "Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships" author: David Schnarch (As another sign of the fall and decline of the Roman Empire, the ASM geocities site seems to no longer work.) > (As another sign of the fall and decline of the Roman Empire, the > ASM geocities site seems to no longer work.) Does anybody still have the files which made it work? Darren Provine ! kilroy@elvis.rowan.edu ! http://www.rowan.edu/~kilroy "The White House says this single vote [ by Olympia Snowe ] makes the [ health-care ] bill bipartisan, which is a little like saying you're a world traveller because you saw 'Slumdog Millionaire'." -- Peter Sagal > > (As another sign of the fall and decline of the Roman Empire, the > > ASM geocities site seems to no longer work.) > > Does anybody still have the files which made it work? The main faq and book faq etc. can be retrieved from the internet, but I don't know how to get the nicely formatted web pages. Tai does, I bet. And she seems to still check in here occasionally. >>> (As another sign of the fall and decline of the Roman Empire, the >>> ASM geocities site seems to no longer work.) [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > Tai does, I bet. And she seems to still check in here occasionally. I do, indeed. Unfortunately it looks like the website is gone for good. Geocities is closing its free website hosting operations in two days and the ASM pages are gone already, as are all the files associated with the Geocities account. It's such a long time since anyone opened the owning Yahoo account it had been suspended and when I re-activated it just now all the mail and files were gone from there, as well. I do not have copies of the changes I made to some of the original HTML source when I gave it a tune-up a few years ago. The best I can do is post the most recent versions of the FAQs in a few minutes. These have survived various of my backups and shifts to new computers but they probably need more editing than just removing the references to non-existent websites. Someone else is welcome to take on that task but I am not interested in doing so at this point. >>> (As another sign of the fall and decline of the Roman Empire, the >>> ASM geocities site seems to no longer work.) [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > Tai does, I bet. And she seems to still check in here occasionally. I do, indeed. Unfortunately it looks like the website is gone for good. Geocities is closing its free website hosting operations in two days and the ASM pages are gone already, as are all the files associated with the Geocities account. It's such a long time since anyone opened the owning Yahoo account it had been suspended and when I re-activated it just now all the mail and files were gone from there, as well. I do not have copies of the changes I made to some of the original HTML source when I gave it a tune-up a few years ago. The best I can do is post the most recent versions of the FAQs in a few minutes. These have survived various of my backups and shifts to new computers but they probably need more editing than just removing the references to non-existent websites. Someone else is welcome to take on that task but I am not interested in doing so at this point. >> Hello, I have been married for the past 7 years. I am very happily >> married and love my wife to death. We both have never have been [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > (As another sign of the fall and decline of the Roman Empire, the > ASM geocities site seems to no longer work.) What ASM geocities site? > Hello, I have been married for the past 7 years. I am very happily > married andlovemy wife to death. We both have never have been [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > Thanks in advance. I was researching google groups on love and intimacy to see what is out there and I found your post. I love your declaration about you and your marriage. I see similarities between how you describe your marriage and how I would describe mine. We have been married for 12 years. Two kids off to college and two ten year olds (boy/girl twins). I often describe my marriage by borrowing the tagline from the Army- the toughest job I will ever love (that is the Army, right?) I believe that you could go to counseling and read many many books and not necessary get any closer to what you and your wife are looking for because the two of you need to figure out exactly what you want both as individuals and as a couple. Figuring out what you want may fly in the face of self help books and conventional wisdom. It is really about having the courage to explore what really gets each of your juices flowing.. What makes you feel fulfilled? What does yours dream relationship look like? When was there a time that you felt most intimate with your partner? I feel intimate with my husband while watching a program on TV together that makes us both laugh- really! And once I figured out and claimed that as legitimate intimacy for ME, the guilt that I felt for not being more "intimate" with him, went away. You see what I mean? I am a certified life coach specializing in love, intimacy and sexuality. Part of the beauty of coaching is it is done over the phone thus addressing the time issue. Coaching creates a safe space for spouses to discover and define what love, intimacy and closeness means to them in the context of your relationship. I have a great tool called the Intimacy Wheel which helps you assess your intimate life from a variety of perspectives. You score each wedge of the wheel as they fit your intimate life right now and from there you and your spouse are able to get an immediate and clear picture of how each of your view your relationship. From that point, anything in possible. My website is www.joyfulspiritcoaching.com. If you contact me with your information, I will send you a copy of the Intimacy Wheel for you and your wife to fill out. Good luck! My name is Eve by the way! |
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