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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / November 2005Christmas ornament
Last year my wife had an Internet affair that ultimately wound up being physical for a period of 6 months. We are currently living together again after I asked her to leave. She has given up this other person and doesn't communicate with him any longer. Yes, I know what some of you might be thinking, but she is now an open book and will let me look at her cell bill and any other thing I want to look at to prove herself. I don't check up on her as I believe she learned a great deal being alone for those 6 months and knows that if she does slip, she will lose everything, especially her dignity and self respect. So here is the question about the ornament. As is customary, she decorates the inside while I decorate the outside of the house. Today, I noticed 2 ornaments from the hometown of the "other" man. I am going to ask my wife to take them down as this serves as a reminder of her transgression. I already know what I am going to do, but would like to hear from others, not necessarily for validation, but for guidance as to how to handle the exchange. James  Signature"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time to fertilize your lawn!" > So here is the question about the ornament. As is customary, she decorates > the inside while I decorate the outside of the house. Today, I noticed 2 [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > necessarily for validation, but for guidance as to how to handle the > exchange. I think that's a totally fair and reasonable request for you to make. jen >> So here is the question about the ornament. As is customary, she >> decorates [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > I think that's a totally fair and reasonable request for you to make. I agree. Zorra > >> So here is the question about the ornament. As is customary, she > >> decorates [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > > Zorra Me three. Sheila >> >> So here is the question about the ornament. As is customary, she >> >> decorates [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > Sheila Ditto >> So here is the question about the ornament. As is customary, >> she decorates the inside while I decorate the outside of the house. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >> going to do, but would like to hear from others, not necessarily >> for validation, but for guidance as to how to handle the exchange. I take that you've decided that it would be inappropriate to say: "Ho', either you chuck those baubles you got while makin' time wit yor BF right now, or I'm walking." Perhaps a gentle discussion of how you realize that they are only objects and yet you have these "feelings." =R= > >> So here is the question about the ornament. As is customary, > >> she decorates the inside while I decorate the outside of the house. [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > realize that they are only objects and yet you have these "feelings." > =R= If they're glass, I'd gently inform my spouse that I'd be back in a few minutes; I have some target practice to take care of. > > >> So here is the question about the ornament. As is customary, > > >> she decorates the inside while I decorate the outside of the house. [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > If they're glass, I'd gently inform my spouse that I'd be back in a few > minutes; I have some target practice to take care of. Heheeheheh. Between you and Zorra, I'm getting a good chuckle before bed! Sheila >> >> So here is the question about the ornament. As is customary, >> >> she decorates the inside while I decorate the outside of the house. [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] >If they're glass, I'd gently inform my spouse that I'd be back in a few >minutes; I have some target practice to take care of. Oh, honey, the cats got to them, I have no idea how, I wasn;t looking, Honest!!! ;) I can't believe she's put them up!!!! >Rog' wrote: > I take that you've decided that it would be inappropriate to say: "Ho', > either you chuck those baubles you got while makin' time wit yor BF > right now, or I'm walking." Considering the "rest of the story" you've told us, this statement might not be that far out-of-line. =R= I got a chuckle out of everyones response, thanks. So far, this is the type reply I was looking for; something with constructive feedback, though the humour is still appreciated. > >> So here is the question about the ornament. As is customary, > >> she decorates the inside while I decorate the outside of the house. [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > realize that they are only objects and yet you have these "feelings." > =R= > Last year my wife had an Internet affair that ultimately wound up > being physical for a period of 6 months. We are currently living [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > but would like to hear from others, not necessarily for validation, > but for guidance as to how to handle the exchange. I sure hope your car wasn't manufactured in that same town! Seriously, it seems a small enough thing to ask of your wife in the circumstances. Mind you, if they were purchased years before rather than during her affair I'd think the request was a little over the top but you're entitled to some extra consideration from her right now. But don't just take them down, put them in a bag and do a little foot-stomping on them! Tai This got me thinking... WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO STUFF LIKE THAT??? What the hell are they thinking??? I'm lucky. My ex never brought home any little momentos or trophies, or whatever (at least that I know of!)... but my DH's ex had a teddy bear, given to her by her lover, sitting on the window by her side of the bed and a sweatshirt from his alma mater that she wore around the house -- WHILE they were in counselling to try to work on the marriage. How does anyone get it into their heads that this is okay, on any level? How does one rationalize that? Sheila > This got me thinking... WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO STUFF LIKE THAT??? > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > How does anyone get it into their heads that this is okay, on any level? > How does one rationalize that? The obvious conclusion is that some people are stupid... If they were really thinking, they wouldn't have had an affair in the first place!!!!!!!! Does anyone think perimenopause has anything to do with irrational behavior? She is 43 and is in the beginning phases of going through "the change" I have exhibited great patience thus far, but even I have my limits. > This got me thinking... WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO STUFF LIKE THAT??? > [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Sheila > If they were really thinking, they wouldn't have had an affair in the > first place!!!!!!!! [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > "the change" I have exhibited great patience thus far, but even I > have my limits. I couls see perimenopause making your wife physically uncomfortable but not necessarily unhappy or yearning for more or different things in her life. Midlife crises tend not to be about hormones, anyway. Her age alone is enough to suggest she could be looking for new dreams to live. Have you asked her if there is something she'd rather be doing with her life? Tai > Her age alone is enough to suggest she could be looking for new dreams to > live. Have you asked her if there is something she'd rather be doing with > her life? James didn't say where the man's hometown is, but perhaps there's more significance with the place, rather than the person? Perhaps she didn't really fall in love with another man, so much as the idea of living where he lives? Maybe that's why she keeps the ornaments. Maybe there's an unfulfilled dream in there somewhere, and the affair was only a way to have a connection to this particular place. For example maybe she always dreamed of being a country & western singer, and the ornament is from Nashville? Or dreamed of being a movie star and the ornament is from Hollywood? Or dreamed of living in the Big Apple? You see what I'm getting at. jen You are right on track shinypenny. He is from the Cape Cod area and she absolutely loves the beach. We used to go to the beach several time per year, but moved about 2hrs away and since starting a family, we might go 1x per year. Even if I suggest taking her alone or with the family, I have been rebuffed. She won't do well alone, and I'm getting to the point where I think I will be better off after the wounds heal. > > Her age alone is enough to suggest she could be looking for new dreams to > > live. Have you asked her if there is something she'd rather be doing with [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > > jen > You are right on track shinypenny. He is from the Cape Cod area and > she absolutely loves the beach. We used to go to the beach several [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > getting to the point where I think I will be better off after the > wounds heal. It sounds as if your wife's body came back but she is still absent - how very difficult and heart-breaking for you. Since you are feeling as if you want to separate after the holidays do you think it worth issuing her with a last ditch ultimatum that she goes into counselling with you or else? I'm suggesting that just because you do have children but I could understand if you feel as if you've done as much as you can at this point. Tai >>You are right on track shinypenny. He is from the Cape Cod area and >>she absolutely loves the beach. We used to go to the beach several [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > > Tai I think the best thing to do at the moment is have some great fun while you let time pass. Doing something fun where you both really enjoy yourself is the best way for both of you to recapture your romantic love. To me, it sounds like she needs to fall in love all over again. In the mean time, you can both enjoy some recreation & in time, she will be happy again (ie. mind with you as well as body). > If they were really thinking, they wouldn't have had an affair in the > first place!!!!!!!! [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > "the change" I have exhibited great patience thus far, but even I > have my limits. true if they were thinking... I don't think menopause has anything to do with it. My ex said that was the reason I left him and I would be back. That was 2 years ago. couldn't have had a thing to do with him being a drunken a.s. :p Did she say why she had the affair? She can't even explain her reasons for the affair. I've noticed over the last 5 or 6 years, her thought process has changed to that of a selfish person. I've decided that after the holidays (I don't want the kids X-mas potentially spoiled) that she is going to have to put up or shut up and get out. She contributes very little to the household expenses and chores. She earns a good living, but is spending most of her paycheck paying off her debts accrued from her time away. I deserve better and though I do still love her with all my heart, I need to feel wanted. > > If they were really thinking, they wouldn't have had an affair in the > > first place!!!!!!!! [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > Did she say why she had the affair? >She can't even explain her reasons for the affair. I've noticed over the >last 5 or 6 years, her thought process has changed to that of a selfish [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >debts accrued from her time away. I deserve better and though I do still >love her with all my heart, I need to feel wanted. She needs some serious counseling. I don't know if she's ready for it. Sounds like she doesn;t know what to do with herself :-\ We've been to counseling. It taught us communication skills not present prior to her affair. She attended alone for several weeks and feels she is on the road to recovery. The counselor actually suggested terminating the sessions as there was no more to be accomplished based upon her needs. U R right, she just doesn't know what she want's or what to do with herself, though she is seeking it daily. Hard to live with a woman that is bright, intelligent, and attractive, but is acting dumber than a brick, according to me anyway, well OK, her friends agree with me too. She is losing touch with her personal friends and picking up more "net" friends as her source of strength. Though I see that fading little by little as she begins to see that her friends have bigger problems than she does. The negativity influence is starting to make her realize that it is only serving to keep her down. > >She can't even explain her reasons for the affair. I've noticed over the > >last 5 or 6 years, her thought process has changed to that of a selfish [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > She needs some serious counseling. I don't know if she's ready for it. > Sounds like she doesn;t know what to do with herself :-\ >We've been to counseling. It taught us communication skills not present >prior to her affair. [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] >influence is starting to make her realize that it is only serving to keep >her down. Has any of that been discussed in her therapy? >If they were really thinking, they wouldn't have had an affair in the first >place!!!!!!!! > >Does anyone think perimenopause has anything to do with irrational behavior? >She is 43 and is in the beginning phases of going through "the change" I >have exhibited great patience thus far, but even I have my limits. As for perimenopause specifically, I don't know.In general, physical conditions may be a contributing factors to emotional hardships and quandaries, but acting of those emotions in a certain way is a pure choice. When she realized she is emotionally susceptible to someone else's advances, there were other (less hurtful to you) things that she could have done to get her feelings back on track. Your yardstick should be: "Is she managing what is going on with her to the best of her ability, or is she using it as an excuse for bad behavior?" For example, I get really bad PMS, but I try to keep eating my vitamins and manage my emotions whatever else I know will minimize the impact of PMS. Some months I do better then others, sometime it impacts us more then others, but I NEVER use it as an excuse or to act helpless. If I see something have more impact, I try to find out why it happened that way, and how to prevent it from happening again. That's no *guarantee* that it won't happen again, but it is a guarantee I'll do whatever I can to minimize impact, and if I do have an impact, to make amends. In other words, perimenopause is not making her hang those ornaments. That's just bad judgment, and inconsiderate of your feelings. > This got me thinking... WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO STUFF LIKE THAT??? > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > How does anyone get it into their heads that this is okay, on any > level? How does one rationalize that? I have no idea but if it can't be put down to temporary insanity they'd have to be about as sensitive as a block of wood! Tai >> This got me thinking... WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO STUFF LIKE THAT??? >> [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] >I have no idea but if it can't be put down to temporary insanity they'd have >to be about as sensitive as a block of wood! I've seen blocks of wood be more sensitive then some people !!! Hi James, I'm glad you're both getting it together. I think it is a reasonable request but I wouldn't make it a demand. I would explain my feelings and give her the chance to safely explain her feelings if she is opposed to it. I would try to get her agreement. Take a look at http://www.marriagebuilders.com for loads of advice on getting over affairs, preventing affairs, meeting eachothers needs & negotiating within the marriage. I think you will find this very helpful in overcoming the affair and moving on to a happy marriage. Radha Familiar with the site. I visit is a few times per month. Personally, I enjoy reading some of the stories and tips. My wife on the other hand doesn't believe in those sites as she feels they are just trying to sell books and seminars. > Hi James, > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > Radha > Familiar with the site. I visit is a few times per month. Personally, I > enjoy reading some of the stories and tips. My wife on the other hand > doesn't believe in those sites as she feels they are just trying to sell > books and seminars. Perhaps you can repackage it for her :) From the looks of it and from buying the seminar DVD myself, what is said on the seminars/books is just a summary of the information on the site or in the case of the book, an extension so you can take the info without buying anything. >Familiar with the site. I visit is a few times per month. Personally, I >enjoy reading some of the stories and tips. My wife on the other hand >doesn't believe in those sites as she feels they are just trying to sell >books and seminars. Or maybe she would have to look at the error of her ways, and that's awfully uncomfortable thing to do. The fact something is for sale, doesn't mean it's of no value. As a matter of fact, if it sells, it means it is likely to have *some* value. She's come up with another cop-out. >Last year my wife had an Internet affair that ultimately wound up being >physical for a period of 6 months. We are currently living together again [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] >necessarily for validation, but for guidance as to how to handle the >exchange. I would think it is very appropriate that you ask her not to display them. Tell that it's a very hurtful reminder for you. |
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