Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / January 2006

Start with this.........what is it about him that you love?  Frankly, I don't
think I'll ever understand how people can have such fundamental issues with a
spouse so early in the commitment, and yet they've made the life-long commitment
anyway.

Well, get his attention.  Certainly you know how to do that.  Tell him you'll
need an hour of his totally devoted time, and then make a date for that time.
Don't spring it on him, or demand a time with no warning.  Tell him you want to
talk about the relationship, and give him a few days to schedule a time.

Then talk to him calmly and with no whining or complaining.  Stick to telling
him how what he does makes you feel.  Don't tell him "you're this" and "you're
that" or anything accusatory.  Instead, tell him "when you do this, or don't do
that, I feel.........."  Just tell him how YOU feel, and let him make up his own
mind.

Get it?

Well, the two of you are prime candidates for the book "Fall in Love,
Stay in Love."  And on a related note,  you might also spend some time
looking at marriagebuilders.com.

I'm going to pick up on one specific which you might be able to address
on your own, and that has to do with your sex life.  You complain
about not being required to do much.  But surely the real issue is (or
ought to be) does your husband do what you want him to?

Try talking about this with him, and asking him to do what you want.
You could talk about it sometime when you aren't making love,  and/or
you could make requests of him when you _are_ making love.  Don't
leave it to him to try to guess what you want and do that (or make him
guess what you want him to ask you to do).  _Tell_ him!

I wonder how many other things might fall into a similar category.
There are really two kinds of basic common adjustments, and neither
kind comes without some discussion.  You need to each make the other
aware of what you need to feel loved, so that the other person has the
opportunity to do that.  (And simultaneously if you are doing what
your husband needs to feel loved,  he will be more inclined to
reciprocate - at least if he knows how you _want_ him to reciprocate.)

And then there is the recognition that your spouse is who he is, with
his unique strengths and weaknesses.

Warning:  Jack is in a fey mood and his responses
may edge more into attempts to amuse rather than
be completely down-to-earth.

This is normal.  It is likely that *you* have
behaviors that occasionally push him to the edge.

Mind you, *not* addressing these issues is not a
good idea.  Somehow you must learn to accomodate
the other's foibles though any unilateral effort
to adapt is *not* advisable.

(shrugs)  As men get older they get better at
faking maturity, especially if they aren't called
upon to maintain that act for 4 years.

Hmmmmm....  (blushes)

Oh, good.  For a moment there I was worried that
you were my wife finally discovering this NG...

A lot depends upon his interests, too.

Perhaps he's complacent?  Maybe he thinks you
can't do better than him?  If he's very secure
then he has no *reason* to entertain changes?

Also, if he's sure of himself, then he's going to
be certain that *he* isn't the one with issues
and so won't see himself as part of the problem.

Consider what the expectations he has of you.

Consider asking him what he expects.

Consider spending a vacation away from him.  (As
if you'd go into the Natural Guard just to spend
week-ends away, for instance, is reasonable.)

Sounds like he can't cope with long-term acting.

#1:  I hope you are on a good contraceptive.
#2:  I hope you can convince him that you are
    unhappy.  If he's not amenable to your
    interests, perhaps cutting him off (albeit
    not as Lorena had) might gain his attention.
#3:  In order to know if this will survive, you
    must prepare for the relationship to end.
    In other words, in order to save it, you
    must be ready for it to self-destruct.
#4:  Life is not fair.
#6:  There is no #5.

Yeah, this wasn't much help, was it?

Why do you love him? Why did you get married? Rhetorical questions. Has
he always been like this, or was there a better time in your
relationship when he was considerate, attentive, and concerned about
your pleasure and happiness?