 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / January 2006Xmas and the New year of depression and martial discord.
I've lurked around the newsgroups for about two weeks and I know that these things I'm going to talk about aren't by anyway unique to me. With that in mind here's the situation. My Wife and I have been married for five years, we have two great kids, a cat and no debts (except the good debt that the Bank and ourselves own on the house). At Xmas time everything became a little weird. Both of my wife's grandparents passed away (her mum's mum and her dad's dad), up until that point she has switched to a new job and between the two things she just got pummeled mentally. So after all that, she shut down. I could see that there was going to be trouble by the third day of her hiding from the world. I double checked to make sure the daycare understood that I would be doing the rounds to get the kids and since I run a business timing might be a little weird. I made the arrangements to get her to talk to someone qualified. I made sure to make other arrangements to make myself more available by working 32 hours a week rather than 50-55 by hiring on some help to cover the more mundane sh.t in my business. I gave up my friday night pints, where for three hours I can play NTN, have a couple of pints, relax, talk with the barflys and maybe even get in a round of darts before I have to catch my 7:55 bus home. Plus I have my mother-in-law to help out with the kids, she would if she were allowed, have her grand kids 24/7. In a good way of course. Basically I've covered everything that I can short of winning the lottery and staying at home fulltime. The no sex thing I can understand, to a certain degree with all that has been happening. However even prior the sex was virtually non-exsistent and/or sporactically intiated(once a month, once every two weeks). Even then it's been bad sex, the kind of masturbation sex that is clumsy, self-concious and quick. Personally I like the wild jungle sex where my partner is fulfilled and I'm fulfilled plus it serves as excercise. :) But she wants it done quick so she can roll over and steal the covers. All in all, it's not for a lack of trying from myself, it just the total absence of interest from my spouse. There is now recently something new. She doesn't want to be touched or talked with. So I did what was in my ability to do so. I arranged to talk to a marriage shrink and since the nice marriage lady works with with my wife's shrink. It came out in the meeting that she had been diagnosed with severe depression and that for most of my spouses life she has been classified as a dysthmic disorders. Which in laypersons terms, is basically sad for a long time and it tends to blend into their persona, or think about Eyeore in Winnie the Pooh/Marvin the depressed android. As an added bonus, it has been shown to be genetic. Now after talking to the marriage shrink, she provided no feedback, nodded alot and said that we should read a book. "Seven Steps to a sucessful marriage" and perform the excercises in the book. So I read the book, did the homework and realised at the end of the book that one thing stood out in my mind. If the marriage can't be saved, save yourself and your kids. So, as a dude that feels that he is sucessful, smart, set and lucky to have some great kids I've come to the judgement that I can't be someone's shrink. I can be supportive if someone lets me, so I'm taking a break from my spouse because you don't hide the fact you are sick from your partner. And while my wife is busy trying to get help from the shrink and "forgetting" her happy pills. I want to feel connected to someone that will have sex with me. Perferably wild monkey sex. However to keep myself out of trouble in the meanwhile, I'm hanging out with the kids as "mum is sick that's why she's in bed at 6pm". All in all, I'm annoyed, frustrated and horney (is that really a feeling?). But I look at the positive things, keep my gym time up and make sure that her half of the house work gets done. Only thing I'm really missing is my friends at the pub and catching up with bad jokes and wings. Just had to type it out, thanks for reading. (snip) 1. Since Xmas is not a very long time. Depression can often be successfully treated. Many of the people on this group have been depressed and have successfully become undepressed. Others have spouses who have been successfully treated for depression. But the treatment isn't instant - it probably takes months. Antidepressants can be very helpful, but they have to be taken for a while before they start working and not every anti-depressant works for every person. And some of them can cause anorgasmia and can kill libido (though it sounds like you are already there with the libido thing), though these side-effects too can often be managed, but that takes yet more time. 2. I would suggest continuing couples counseling. You should have a counselor who is sensitive to both your wife's illness and to your own frustration and who will try to help you both deal with this. If that doesn't describe your current one, I would consider finding a new one. 3. Assuming that the short term measures you've taken to be more involved with childcare and housework help, you may have to adopt some of them as long term measures to help keep your wife's stress levels down to manageable levels. 4. Depression is "catching." Dealing with what you are dealing with is stressful and difficult. Be aware of this, and try to find ways to take care of yourself. Consider seeing a therapist on your own every few weeks - not to cure a disease, but to have someone you can talk to who can make suggestions to you about how to deal with things. Here is a book I found helpful: "How you can survive when they're depressed" by Anne Sheffield. 5. It sounds like you two had pre-depression marriage issues which weren't being dealt with. Don't get your hopes up about starting to deal with them before your wife's depression is under better control. Charlie, it is possible to come out of this situation in a better position than you were in as a couple before the depression. But it isn't easy, and it isn't likely to be fast. Here is a marriage question for you. You used to have your friday night out. Which is a good thing - spending time with friends, and relaxing a bit (do people still suck their pint down at last call and then order another one to nurse?). Did you have a time during every week when you spent 3 hours relaxing with your wife and enjoying each other's friendship? Is their a way you can start doing something like that with her (which doesn't involve sex since that seems to be a problem area at the moment)? > 1. Since Xmas is not a very long time. Depression can often be > successfully treated. Many of the people on this group have been > depressed and have successfully become undepressed. Others have > spouses who have been successfully treated for depression. That's my understanding as well. It's a little nerve racking though when her mum and her grandmum went through the same thing and both of them ended up divorcing. For reasons of "I shut down my husband" or otherwise known as irreconcilable differences. Although I know for sure that her grandmum probably wasn't as lucky as her mum in getting half during that time period. > But the treatment isn't instant - it probably takes months. > Antidepressants can be very helpful, but they have to be taken for [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > the libido thing), though these side-effects too can often be > managed, but that takes yet more time. The libido thing has been there for a while. To quote teen wolf "I've been beating off in the shower so long I get a hard on when it rains." The one side effects in the last week it's been having is she's been violent with the kids. Snapping, slapping and pinching. Hence the reason I've got family here when I need a breather and I'm not working so many hours to be at home. Most of her anger has been thrown at my eldest daughter of 3/Me and not my son of 1 1/2. I've talked to her today about it and she's agreed to go see the head doctor tommorrow (f.ck it's going to cost some bones) to switch prescriptions. She's on effextor right now and it one of the side effects. > 2. I would suggest continuing couples counseling. You should have a > counselor who is sensitive to both your wife's illness and to your > own frustration and who will try to help you both deal with > this. If that doesn't describe your current one, I would > consider finding a new one. We're doing that and she's agreed to continue. The counseling is okay but I'm holding back on how the meds have been effecting her. I don't want her out of house because she'll just crawl into a hole without the kids, although with the meds she seems to be of the mind that she's fine and kids are f.cked and need to be smacked around. > 3. Assuming that the short term measures you've taken to be more > involved with childcare and housework help, you may have to adopt > some of them as long term measures to help keep your wife's stress > levels down to manageable levels. I may work alot but it's always one thing I've prided myself on is doing my fair share of the work. I do the cooking, cleaning and maintenance in the house even before and now. After I do the maintenance I call a professional. Now my job includes cooking, cleaning, shitty maintenance, calling the real fixit guy, getting the kids to day care, shopping, picking up the kids from daycare and laundry. It kinda worked out that way. I'm anal with a touch of the artistic and enjoy the cleaning and cooking. She's messy and likes to plan. We fell into our roles quite naturally. We've tried it the other way and it doesn't work. However now I have both lists of tasks and I'm a wash and wear kinda dude with a laundry basket of dryclean only childrens clothing. (I'm not kidding here.) She works for the government and that stresses her out. I run a business with about 500+ people employed for me and I enjoy it. The daycare I mentioned before is my daycare, it's a benefit for all of the people that work for me which really doesn't cost that much to make sure people are happy at work. That and catering on weds. > 4. Depression is "catching." Dealing with what you are dealing with > is stressful and difficult. Be aware of this, and try to find > ways to take care of yourself. Consider seeing a therapist on > your own every few weeks - not to cure a disease, but to have > someone you can talk to who can make suggestions to you about how > to deal with things. That I know. All it takes is one person to come in with a dilbert attitude and you end up with a whole group of dilbert attitude. > Here is a book I found helpful: "How you can survive when > they're depressed" by Anne Sheffield. I'll order it on Amazon and give it a skim on the bus in the mornings. > 5. It sounds like you two had pre-depression marriage issues which > weren't being dealt with. Don't get your hopes up about starting > to deal with them before your wife's depression is under better > control. I know. Talked about this with the psychotherapist. It just this "storm" has hit hard and it's starting to effect other things. The kids just stay out of her way now and I'm not quite sure how a 1 1/2 year old understands run to Dad or Nana. But obviously he's wylie (sp?) enough to do so. > Charlie, it is possible to come out of this situation in a better > position than you were in as a couple before the depression. But it > isn't easy, and it isn't likely to be fast. That's what I hoping for with the work that's being started. I've done lots of projects before and I guess I'm going to have to play it like any deployment or migration. Day at a time. To tell the truth, for a techie dude I'm a little bummed with the progress of science in the realm of mental science. ;\ > Here is a marriage question for you. You used to have your friday > night out. Which is a good thing - spending time with friends, and > relaxing a bit (do people still suck their pint down at last call and > then order another one to nurse?). I don't know. I'm in bed by ten on fridays because the kids are up at 5, therefore so am I. Although, the lads invite me to see what past 12 o'clock looks like I have to give my bow out as I would be asleep by about 9:30. The guys in pub have been good friends when I've had problems before. I'm going to start that again this week because I'm miserable. It's amazing who lives in a pub after work. IT rich bastard to janitor, and all have awesome stories to tell. Some are divorced and I just don't want to be one of those guys. They can be a bit -ummmm- bellicos with a touch of angry, the phrase would be "insant a.shole, just add booze." I haven't brought this stuff up at the pub because it would attract the barfly women <shudder!!>. I haven't brought it up at work at all because either someone in accounting or hr would take the opportunity to hump the boss because they know what I make. I've talked to my friends and they've told me not to talk about it at the pub or work either. And of course, the same advice you've given. Keep going to sessions with her. > Did you have a time during every week when you spent 3 hours relaxing > with your wife and enjoying each other's friendship? Is their a way > you can start doing something like that with her (which doesn't > involve sex since that seems to be a problem area at the moment)? We used to, or did I suppose. Something just "snapped" with her grandparents passing. Only thing I can relate it to is I had an employee years back, quit and run away to Thailand to join the kickboxing circuit. He sent me an email from Bangkok giving his resignation explaining it was something in his head the morning he didn't show up. I've been trying to get the date night thing happening with her. But as mentioned before, things are a little insane. Trying to get her to stop hiding in bed or fighting over whether the toliet paper goes over or under the roll has been a challenge. That was the issue last tuesday, which at that point and time I decided that I had to sit down and start planning to get the kids and myself away from it. Now I'm only waiting for the other shoe to drop on whether the colour blue tastes like an orange ice lolly. It is that weird sometimes. (snip) > We're doing that and she's agreed to continue. The counseling is okay > but I'm holding back on how the meds have been effecting her. I don't > want her out of house because she'll just crawl into a hole without the > kids, although with the meds she seems to be of the mind that she's > fine and kids are f.cked and need to be smacked around. That's not the meds. That is her depression, or some other problem. Depressed people can be very angry with those around them. (snip) > > 4. Depression is "catching." Dealing with what you are dealing with > > is stressful and difficult. Be aware of this, and try to find [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > year old understands run to Dad or Nana. But obviously he's wylie > (sp?) enough to do so. Kids are smart. And sometimes they adapt faster than adults to the way things are rather than the way things _should_ be. > > Charlie, it is possible to come out of this situation in a better > > position than you were in as a couple before the depression. But it [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > techie dude I'm a little bummed with the progress of science in the > realm of mental science. ;\ Brains are way more complicated than anything we really understand completely! (snip) > > Did you have a time during every week when you spent 3 hours relaxing > > with your wife and enjoying each other's friendship? Is their a way [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > only waiting for the other shoe to drop on whether the colour blue > tastes like an orange ice lolly. It is that weird sometimes. Well, I don't know what the right thing to do is. My wife had a serious (and lengthy) depression. When we tried to get something like date night going, it was a flop at first. Our relationship was so eroded that we had a very hard time having fun together. What we did instead was try to arrange to go out with a couple (not always the same one) who we were friends with and who we both had fun with. That wasn't very intimate, but at least it was _something_ we were doing together that was fun for both of us, so it served some purpose. Pushing date night if she isn't going to enjoy it (which will probably also mean that you don't enjoy it) is probably pointless. > (snip) > [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > That's not the meds. That is her depression, or some other problem. > Depressed people can be very angry with those around them. Unless she's on Wellbutrin, which is notorious for the side effect of anger. Like a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde thing. jen > I've been trying to get the date night thing happening with her. But > as mentioned before, things are a little insane. Trying to get her to [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > only waiting for the other shoe to drop on whether the colour blue > tastes like an orange ice lolly. It is that weird sometimes. I'll say up front that I have next to no experience with depression - a couple of my friends are on effexor, one for a long term situation she's in and the other for a specific, and I hope, much more easily resolved issue though it's not exactly short term, either. It seemed to take a while to get their dosages just right and mood swings were the order of the day. However, I'll stick my oar in anyway. I think you have excellent organising abilities and you seem to be coping extremely well, under the circumstances. (Especially in keeping your very british sense of humour, btw!) It sounds to me as if date nights might be a bit much to expect at the moment if your wife has not yet been stabilised on a satisfactory course of treatment and... is having some delusions? Do try to eat and sleep well, and continue to look after your own mental health. If you can, don't skimp on taking the time to talk to friends and to escape regularly from all thought of your situation (as in your pub nights). You seem to know that's a good idea anyway - and what to avoid once you're there! Also, you come across as a take charge kind of guy who is used to getting things done fast and efficiently. I think this situation may very well try your patience and you could find it very hard to feel as if anything is improving if it isn't happening fast enough. Just keep in mind the two steps forwards, one and a half back, aspect that you'll probably experience. Good luck Tai > Also, you come across as a take charge kind of guy who is used to getting > things done fast and efficiently. I think this situation may very well try > your patience and you could find it very hard to feel as if anything is > improving if it isn't happening fast enough. Just keep in mind the two steps > forwards, one and a half back, aspect that you'll probably experience. Also I am personally of the opinion that depression has at its roots the feeling that one is not in control of one's life. So, if you take charge too much - if you pick up too much of her slack - you may inadvertently thwart her from taking control again. jen >> Also, you come across as a take charge kind of guy who is used to >> getting things done fast and efficiently. I think this situation may [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > charge too much - if you pick up too much of her slack - you may > inadvertently thwart her from taking control again. I think that could be very relevant in this situation. I made the mistake of not reading all Charlie's posts in the thread before making mine so I didn't realise she'd had other areas of her life where she'd lost control and been bailed out by him. It may be that they've been living in a situation where, for some time, Charlie has been looking after his wife to an extent that is not usual in marriages. (They certainly seem to have more ability to cope with costly financial mistakes than most of us, for example.) But now her illness has been exacerbated (by grief, it seems) to the point where she's past the point of being able to function in her roles as wife and mother and the situation has become intolerable for Charlie. It may have been intolerable for other people at an earlier stage. Charlie, (switching to talking to you rather than about you) I think it might be worth your while examining why you were able to accept your wife's poor business planning as not much more than an expensive hobby. Having enough money yourself to cover the costs doesn't explain it really and it seems to me that there is something in the way that you two relate to each other that may be feeding into your wife's illness in the sense that the more you do for her in the way of taking over her responsibilities the less reason she has to stand on her own two feet. Now is not the time hand it all back to her, of course, but once she is past this crisis the pair of you may need help to change the balance in your relationship to one which expects more responsibility from her as a general rule - something which could seem even harder to do now than before her breakdown. Tai I (like my father before me) have depression problems, and I take medication for it. You HAVE to know that almost all the depression meds out there take some time to work - I was told not to expect much for 4-6 weeks, and even then the dose might not be right, so then if you change that, you get to stand back for another few weeks to see if that does the trick. It can take months and months to get back to being yourself. C'mon, you really don't want to tear your entire world apart just for monkey sex because your wife is temporarily sick. You'll do so much harm and cause so much pain - not just those children, but her, you. Never mind the financial devastation. This will NEVER be over - you'll just make a massive mess and so much misery. Christmas was 5 weeks ago dude, and she had some major stresses in family deaths etc. If that marriage councellor didn't do it, find another one. If this shrink isn't doing anything for her, insist she sees another one. Ask if you can come to a session. My husband's shrink asked for me to come of one of his sessions - not to reveal anything they'd shared between them, but so the shrink could get a feel for who I was, find out my concerns and some perspectives (hubby was going for life councelling to get out of a career crisis). Insist she takes her meds. TALK to her. I dunno if I'd be so thrilled about my partner if I was going through something really awful emotionally and he kept carping on about jungle sex. You are thinking with the wrong head. You come across as a real jerk. M. > I (like my father before me) have depression problems, and I take > medication for it. You HAVE to know that almost all the depression meds [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > sex. You are thinking with the wrong head. > You come across as a real jerk. I agree. He sounds like a real prize. NOT. Worried about sex and his time with the boys seems to be the most important thing on his "mind". Talking about selfish! Oh well, yet another sign of the times, as if I should be really surprised.... >> I (like my father before me) have depression problems, and I take >> medication for it. You HAVE to know that almost all the depression meds [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > Talking about selfish! Oh well, yet another sign of the times, as if I > should be really surprised.... I forgot. A better word to summarize all this would be "childish". > I've lurked around the newsgroups for about two weeks and I know that > these things I'm going to talk about aren't by anyway unique to me. [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > dad), up until that point she has switched to a new job and between the > two things she just got pummeled mentally. I'm a bit confused here. Are you saying that things were pretty much great until Christmas (except the sex wasn't exciting enough) but now that she is sick you are planning to bail? Do you even *remember* the part in your vows about "in sickness and in health?" It sounds like you've been doing everything you can to help her get better, and to take care of your family. I understand that can be tiring, but you've got to hang in there. Depression is treatable. Even dysthymia is treatable. In the meantime, make sure to take care of yourself as well. You've got a MIL who wants to baby-sit 24/7 -- maybe you can go back to regular hours at work and even your night at the pub if she's willing to help out. Oh, and put the sex stuff on the back burner. It's just not the time for it. If your wife had a physical ailment instead of a mental one you wouldn't expect her to perform for you when she wasn't feeling up to it. If your wife thinks her marriage is falling apart on top of everything else, she's going to have that much more difficult of a time getting well. Zorra >Basically I've covered everything that I can short of winning the >lottery and staying at home fulltime. Sounds like you're taking lots of practical steps to help her out during this difficult time. That's good. >sick from your partner. And while my wife is busy trying to get help >from the shrink and "forgetting" her happy pills. I want to feel >connected to someone that will have sex with me. Perferably wild >monkey sex. However to keep myself out of trouble in the meanwhile, >I'm hanging out with the kids as "mum is sick that's why she's in bed >at 6pm". "Happy pills"? My ex used to call my anti-depressants that, too. In fact, he would put verbal "quotes" around it, and spit it out in particularly sarcastic way. I hope you're not doing that, because it felt very dismissive to me when he'd say that, as if I'd be fine if I'd just get my sh.t together. Kind of like, 'You've got the damn pills to make you feel better, so quit being such a drag." >All in all, I'm annoyed, frustrated and horney (is that really a >feeling?). But I look at the positive things, keep my gym time up and >make sure that her half of the house work gets done. Only thing I'm >really missing is my friends at the pub and catching up with bad jokes >and wings. Frustrated and horney is understandable, but since it's only been a month since Christmas and since all these things happened, maybe you could cut her a break and allow her a little time to grieve. I'm a little concerned that you're posting to alt.support.divorce when she's only been sick/depressed/grieving for a month. Are you really thinking about divorce after such a short time? That's pretty much the definition of "cut-and-run", if you are. One of those barflys that you like to chat with wouldn't happen to be a good-looking woman, would she? If my suspicions are incorrect, then I apologize to you in advance. Also......sounds like you need some time/space to still be able to hang out with friends (innocently, of course). If there is any way to arrange that, even on a bit lesser scale, I'd try that. Meanwhile, sounds like you're doing the right thing. Don't be so impatient about the sex thing--nothing is worse than feeling like your partner doesn't give a sh.t that you're depressed, and he just wants you to get better so he can have a better lay. (Not saying that's how YOU feel, but that's how I felt when I was depressed and my husband was ticked--I felt that he wanted me to get better not because I was sad and upset, but because it was interfering with his sex life and I was being a drag). Lauri in WA > Sounds like you're taking lots of practical steps to help her out > during this difficult time. That's good. Looking into getting a maid to help me out after typing out the previous post. I'm swamped. > "Happy pills"? My ex used to call my anti-depressants that, too. In > fact, he would put verbal "quotes" around it, and spit it out in > particularly sarcastic way. I hope you're not doing that, because it > felt very dismissive to me when he'd say that, as if I'd be fine if > I'd just get my sh.t together. Kind of like, 'You've got the damn > pills to make you feel better, so quit being such a drag." I didn't put the happy pills in quotes. I omitted the prescription type as I've seen some weird stuff in the newsgroup threads when someone mentions their prescription. As if a pill is religon, and there is only one cure. happy pill is a good medium term to not steer feedback down a path that really I don't need to talk about. If of interest she's on effexor. > Frustrated and horney is understandable, but since it's only been a > month since Christmas and since all these things happened, maybe you > could cut her a break and allow her a little time to grieve. It's been longer than a month. It's closer to about 2 1/2 months. > I'm a little concerned that you're posting to alt.support.divorce when > she's only been sick/depressed/grieving for a month. Are you really > thinking about divorce after such a short time? That's pretty much > the definition of "cut-and-run", if you are. One of those barflys > that you like to chat with wouldn't happen to be a good-looking woman, > would she? Yes, his name is ralph and he has an attractive mustache. Ummm, no. :-| The pub is a good place to chat about stuff. This isn't one of those items for gossip in a pub though. Otherwise one is bound to attract barfly women. I don't talk about it at work, because then it would become a situation that is tantamount to sh.tting in one's own sandbox. (I'm the owner, I'm the boss) > If my suspicions are incorrect, then I apologize to you in advance. > Also......sounds like you need some time/space to still be able to [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > but because it was interfering with his sex life and I was being a > drag). It's not about just being a drag with two babies. (1 1/2 and 3 years old.) It's about understanding that Mums are there for them, just as it's about Dad being there for them. PersonalIy gave up on the sex a month ago. I haven't bugged her once since the 2nd of January. I have a nice bottle of hand cream, some porno and know how to use them. Unfortunately, time and circumstance will afford the option to change that situation, with or without her. Let's just say, I'm keeping my options open. > Lauri in WA Charlie Kent said > > "Happy pills"? My ex used to call my anti-depressants that, too. In > > fact, he would put verbal "quotes" around it, and spit it out in [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > feedback down a path that really I don't need to talk about. If of > interest she's on effexor. Effexor is probably a good AD. A good friend of mine had good results with it. There is one important caveat though - do not suddenly stop taking it. It has a very short half-life (about five hours) and you can experience serious withdrawal symptoms not long after missing one dose. I only mention all of this because your wife could be suffering from withdrawal without realizing it if she occasionally skips a dose. Casey > If of > interest she's on effexor. Definetly report the anger to her shrink, particularly if this is something new for her. It may be a natural stage of grief; it may be a result of the med if it only appeared or intensified since she started taking it. She may be manic-depressive and the AD is bringing out dysphoria, which can be expressed as angry outbursts and severe irritability. In which case, she should not be taking an AD without a mood stabilizer like lithium or depakote. jen >>If of interest she's on effexor.>> My husband was on Effexor for about two years, and I can say that it made him worse, not better, and our relationship was in the crapper until he got off it (and getting off Effexor is *not* easy - there were horrible withdrawal symptoms). He was prescribed it for anxiety and depression, but it made him more anxious, sleepier, dragged-out, and totally impatient and cranky and unable to deal with the children - they had to be out of his sight and sound or else he'd flip. I can't name one good thing Effexor did for him. It's not a "happy pill" by any stretch of the imagination. Have your wife go back to her physician for a med review. >>>If of interest she's on effexor.>> > [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > >Have your wife go back to her physician for a med review. I think that the biggest thing about all antidepressants is YMMV. Effexor was actually a great medication for me... the only reason why I went off it, ages ago, was because it made me incredibly anorgasmic, and that seemed important at the time. On the other hand, Wellbutrin, which is supposed to have a lot fewer side effects, turned me into a basket case. A med review, preferably from a specialist and not a GP, would probably be an excellent idea here. >>>> If of interest she's on effexor.>> >> >> My husband was on Effexor for about two years, and I can say that it made >> him worse, not better, and our relationship was in the crapper until he got >> off it (and getting off Effexor is *not* easy - there were horrible >> withdrawal symptoms). Getting off a lot of things is hard. Not just Effexor - I don't think you can single that out. It's true for many ADs, and for a LOT of other drugs (at least to my knowledge). >> He was prescribed it for anxiety and depression, but it made him more >> anxious, sleepier, dragged-out, and totally impatient and cranky and unable >> to deal with the children - they had to be out of his sight and sound or >> else he'd flip. I can't name one good thing Effexor did for him. Well, that is just WEIRD! I've never heard that one before. I wonder if there wasn't something else going on - this sounds a bit inconclusive. I think you'd almost have to have a control study to be sure. >> It's not a "happy pill" by any stretch of the imagination. "Happy pill"? There are no happy pills, unless you mean something like uppers, or whatever. ADs are not happy pills. They (can) just take the edge off; they are not "happy pills". >> Have your wife go back to her physician for a med review. > > I think that the biggest thing about all antidepressants is YMMV. Yup. Well, at least to some extent, I believe. > Effexor was actually a great medication for me... the only reason why > I went off it, ages ago, was because it made me incredibly anorgasmic, > and that seemed important at the time. I think it kind of "blahs me" when I'm on it. Not exactly "zombies" you, but (it's hard to explain). > On the other hand, Wellbutrin, > which is supposed to have a lot fewer side effects, turned me into a > basket case. > > A med review, preferably from a specialist and not a GP, would > probably be an excellent idea here. Yup. Couple of things you should know about effexor Charlie - it DOES not work for everyone, and it can kill sex drive dead, dead, dead in some women. I was on it for several months earlier in the year. I was not only NOT getting better in terms of the depression, but I was actually getting WORSE on the anxiety front, which can be a side effect of the effexor for some people. I told my doctor, we switched meds, and within a few weeks, MUCH better. Another friend of mine switched off effexor because although it didn't kill her sex drive, it did kill her ability to orgasm. Her comment was that it was extremely weird. In her case, the spirit was willing, but no matter what she tried, it wasn't happening. 2 1/2 months is very little time at all. In theory, you married for life - a rough patch lasting a fraction of a year, and you are ready to bail. M. > At Xmas time everything became a little weird. > Both of my wife's grandparents passed away (her mum's mum and her dad's > dad), up until that point she has switched to a new job and between the > two things she just got pummeled mentally. I bet she did - losing two family members around the same time, and at xmas to boot? Yep. She is in grief, and will be for sometime. I recommend you might do some research about the grieving process, so you can know what is normal. Being depressed because a loved one dies is called situational depression. It is normal. I know the shrink told you she's had a history, but I'd give her some leeway here on this one. Even without that history, a normal person would probably experience depression. Now about you: how are you feeling about her grandparents' deaths? Does it freak you out a bit? Does it remind you that your wife could die someday, before you? That you could be left alone to grieve for her? Would that be painful and hurt too much? Would it be better to leave her now, than to grow closer sharing a life for decades, only to have her die on you? Think about it. Death of a loved one is one of the times when a marriage just happens to be highly vulnerable to an affair, for this very reason: it reminds us that the more we love, the more we have to lose. If your thoughts of moving on and getting divorced have only just reared their heads up since xmas time, consider that they are related to those two deaths. It just seems quite odd that after only 5 weeks, you are ready to bail on your wife in her time of grief. Unless of course you're a troll. jen > I bet she did - losing two family members around the same time, and at > xmas to boot? Yep. She is in grief, and will be for sometime. I > recommend you might do some research about the grieving process, so you > can know what is normal. Grieving is dependant on what's happened. In the case her Granddad(dad's dad), he died at 93 and was extremely sick. She had the opportunity to say goodbye prior. Her grandmum (mum's mum), she died at 90, was extremely sick and in a lot of pain. She had the opportunity to say goodbye to her. What hit it at Xmas was she has a small family. You could have a famly reunion in a Denny's booth so the loss is immediately noted. But there is another thing. These are the first deaths she has ever known that are personal. > Being depressed because a loved one dies is called situational > depression. It is normal. I know the shrink told you she's had a > history, but I'd give her some leeway here on this one. Even without > that history, a normal person would probably experience depression. That's why she's up and over the severe range right now with medication. > Now about you: how are you feeling about her grandparents' deaths? Does > it freak you out a bit? Does it remind you that your wife could die > someday, before you? That you could be left alone to grieve for her? > Would that be painful and hurt too much? Would it be better to leave > her now, than to grow closer sharing a life for decades, only to have > her die on you? I know she's going to die, I know I'm going to die. In 100 years, nothing that I know, own or touch will be there. Not even my children because given time they will die too. That's why I'm attempting to make sure things are good now because I'm only here once. Then I'm worm food. > Think about it. > > Death of a loved one is one of the times when a marriage just happens > to be highly vulnerable to an affair, for this very reason: it reminds > us that the more we love, the more we have to lose. It's the fact i haven't had any type of sexual response situmulus for 2 1/2 months. > If your thoughts of moving on and getting divorced have only just > reared their heads up since xmas time, consider that they are related > to those two deaths. It just seems quite odd that after only 5 weeks, > you are ready to bail on your wife in her time of grief. Unless of > course you're a troll. Actually I never mentioned me wanting the divorce. It isn't in my best interests. Family wise, Mentally, fiscally. I'm just very tired of the tap dancing and kid gloves. I didn't want three kids just yet, but that's what I have. Except one of the kids is 32, with a MBA I paid for and I just finishing paying off 27 thousand dollars on an Amex for a basement full of childrens clothes with tags still on them. It's the money now. If you asked last year, I would say she's going to try running a business on the side so she can quit her government job. When she had a year off for doing so, she was depressed. I still have all those clothes in the basement. When it was the boutique idea four years ago, 45k later, it's in the basement. When it's her slapping, pinching, snipping at the kids and I. I need her to get better. So life can resume rather than me hoping she isn't up and the babies avoiding her. My greatest fear is this. Relationships and milk have one thing in common. They both spoil after misuse and mishandling. Yet somehow, there is a wire loose in all of our heads that if we put milk back in the fridge it is somehow going to get better when we take it out again a day later. To put this in perspective, she's driving me nuts because the pills and depression are making her nuts, even after she's healed this is something that will come back. From talking to the therapist it comes stronger and stronger everytime person because a person will just keep banking all of that negative energy. And since this is my first time understanding it's depression, not because she's not horney enough, it's more because I have to prepare for the next storm because I've been told that it will come. > jen > Grieving is dependant on what's happened. In the case her > Granddad(dad's dad), he died at 93 and was extremely sick. She had the > opportunity to say goodbye prior. Her grandmum (mum's mum), she died > at 90, was extremely sick and in a lot of pain. She had the > opportunity to say goodbye to her. I'm going to poke my nose out of the lab manuals long enough to point out that logically knowing and saying goodbye beforehand doesn't help the pain afterwards, especially if the family is as small as you say. She's coping with three at once, which takes a lot. > It's the fact i haven't had any type of sexual response situmulus for 2 > 1/2 months. In the grand scheme of things, it's only two and a half months. I know it seems like a long time, but step back and try to put it in perspective. You could be balancing medications and dosages for the next year, but hopefully, it's only one year out of fifty-ish. > When it's her slapping, pinching, snipping at the kids and I. I need > her to get better. So life can resume rather than me hoping she isn't > up and the babies avoiding her. And it's going to take time. > My greatest fear is this. Relationships and milk have one thing in > common. They both spoil after misuse and mishandling. Yet somehow, [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > enough, it's more because I have to prepare for the next storm because > I've been told that it will come. To put a different perspective on this-depression isn't something that goes away in a matter of weeks with a few pills and a couple of hours. It can take months, lots of pills and hundreds of hours. I know it's frustrating never knowing what to expect, so stop trying to expect anything. Try to take it a day and an experience at a time, instead of thinking "oh god, it's been two f.cking months and I want my wife back already." Jess > > I bet she did - losing two family members around the same time, and > > at xmas to boot? Yep. She is in grief, and will be for sometime. I [quoted text clipped - 78 lines] > > > jen you seem very callous in the way you are explaining things. you seem to have very little compassion for your wife and I gather it is one big annoyance for you. I find it hard to believe that you haven't contributed to this in any way and that you are the prefect husband. We are just hearing your side of the story. Why doesnt she come here and post her side?  SignatureMy imaginary account of being in Oz http://mspoopiepants.blogspot.com/ > > I bet she did - losing two family members around the same time, and at > > xmas to boot? Yep. She is in grief, and will be for sometime. I [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > is another thing. These are the first deaths she has ever known that > are personal. Then even though they were in their 90s and it should be expected, this was a major shock to her. > > Death of a loved one is one of the times when a marriage just happens > > to be highly vulnerable to an affair, for this very reason: it reminds > > us that the more we love, the more we have to lose. > > It's the fact i haven't had any type of sexual response situmulus for 2 > 1/2 months. You can't make it 2-1/2 months without sex? Wow. That is such a short time. > > If your thoughts of moving on and getting divorced have only just > > reared their heads up since xmas time, consider that they are related [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > interests. Family wise, Mentally, fiscally. I'm just very tired of > the tap dancing and kid gloves. Since when? Since you married her, or since xmas? This is the part I am trying to understand. It sounds like you are saying that you are tired since xmas, which to me sounds unreasonable, given she lost two family members at xmas, and that really isn't very long period of time. > I didn't want three kids just yet, but > that's what I have. Except one of the kids is 32, with a MBA I paid [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > all those clothes in the basement. When it was the boutique idea four > years ago, 45k later, it's in the basement. Alright, so this has been an ongoing thing building up and xmas was the last straw? > When it's her slapping, pinching, snipping at the kids and I. I need > her to get better. So life can resume rather than me hoping she isn't > up and the babies avoiding her. Absolutely. Your number 1 priority is to protect those kids. I would recommend you contact her shrink. He can't divulge to you anything that's going on with her therapy, but it is okay to call and say "I thought you should know that my wife is now getting physically violent with the kids." That is really important info for her shrink. > My greatest fear is this. Relationships and milk have one thing in > common. They both spoil after misuse and mishandling. Yet somehow, [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > enough, it's more because I have to prepare for the next storm because > I've been told that it will come. Not always. Meds can and do work for a lot of people; it requires patience to find the right ones, and commitment on your wife's part to keep trying until she finds one that works. With that said, you do need to look out for the kids. Perhaps you need a break from each other. Is there anyway you could separate from her temporarily? It may be the best thing for all of you, particularly those kids. jen > I've lurked around the newsgroups for about two weeks and I know that > these things I'm going to talk about aren't by anyway unique to me. [quoted text clipped - 70 lines] > > Just had to type it out, thanks for reading. sounds like you are a childish selfish oaf. She has had major loss of deaths around the holidays plus the stress of taking care of two kids and trying to fit into a new job, and all you can think about is your dick. Grow the hell up! Be a man! You want to throw your entire marriage away because of this? Because your wife is sick? You are weak and pathetic. Your talk of happy pills is really patronizing and dismissive. about the housework? why do either one of you have to do it? You say you are a successful business man and she is working too, why don't you have a housekeeper? SignatureMy imaginary account of being in Oz http://mspoopiepants.blogspot.com/ |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2010 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.