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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / February 2006Spanish MIL driving me nuts
I hit this group so maybe you can give me a little background on Spanish mother in laws. I am getting married to a wonderful man this July. We plan to get married in my hometown (Nashville). I'm so happy because everything is shaping up well. Well, except my fiancee and his family are from Spain. His mother is a stubborn and very opinionated woman (she also talks a lot). I know she means well. But she keeps calling me, asking about my plans, making suggestions. She does it with good intentions but she's calling me all the time and when she has advice, she won't hear when I tell her (correctly) that something is out of my price range or just not what I had in mind. I hardly talk to my girlfriends or my own friends as often. She is taking up all the minutes on my mobile phone and let's not even get into how often I find messages from her in our answering machine. I know she wants to help so how do I politely tell her there's no need for her to hear a day to day account of my wedding plans. More importantly when I tell her I don't think it would be possible to, say, import bouquets of a kind of wildflower that grows primarily in Southern Spain, how do I tell her it's nothing personal but it's just not always practical? Her calling and advice- giving habits are beginning to make me concerns about her actions in the future. JF >I hit this group so maybe you can give me a little background on Spanish > mother in laws. MILs like this come in all nationalities, so there is nothing "Spanish" about it. I don't have any real advice except to say that it won't magically get better after the wedding. You and your fiancé need to set some real limits together and soon. If she can't respect them, then you might want to get out while you still can. Zorra > >I hit this group so maybe you can give me a little background on Spanish > > mother in laws. > > MILs like this come in all nationalities, so there is nothing > "Spanish" about it. Naahh... I doubt that any other nationality would want a bouquet of wild flowers from southern Spain! > I don't have any real advice except > to say that it won't magically get better after the wedding. So true... > You and your fiancé need to set some real limits together > and soon. Yup. > If she can't respect them, then you might want > to get out while you still can. That sounds a bit too drastic to me. After all she lives in Spain, no? But it's very important that the couple discuss this and set the proper boundaries. The fiance should have a serious talk with his mom. > She is taking up all the minutes on my mobile phone Well, first, I would suggest that you not answer every call. No one is forcing you to, you know, and it's not required that you do. >and let's not even get into how often I find messages from her >in our answering machine. There's nothing that's requiring you to answer every message, either. >I know she wants to help so how do I politely tell her there's no >need for her to hear a day to day account of my wedding plans. Well, see, actually, this isn't true. It seems like she *does* need to hear a day to day account. What it is is that *you* don't feel the need to give it to her. I can't blame you there. I know that there are people that enjoy relating all those details on a daily basis. Me, I didn't. But, some people like that level of detail. >More importantly when I tell her I don't think it would be possible to, >say, import bouquets of a kind of wildflower that grows primarily in >Southern Spain, how do I tell her it's nothing personal but it's just >not always practical? I imagine that there are tons of logical reasons why her suggestions won't work. Won't fit in to the color scheme, not financially practical, not logistically practical, heck, if it were me, 'I don't want it like that' would be something that I would be hauling out. >Her calling and advice-giving habits are beginning to make me concerns >about her actions in the future. > JF Have you discussed this with your fiance? What does he have to say about it? I'm not up on Spanish culture so I have no idea if this is a cultural difference or just a personal thing. In the US, the bride/ bride's family makes most/all of the decisions when it comes to the wedding. Maybe it's different in Spain. Tracey > > She is taking up all the minutes on my mobile phone > [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > daily basis. Me, I didn't. But, some people like that level of > detail. This made me wonder if a daily email would satisfy her while providing some sanity for you? (To the OP that is) >>More importantly when I tell her I don't think it would be possible to, >>say, import bouquets of a kind of wildflower that grows primarily in [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > not logistically practical, heck, if it were me, 'I don't want it like > that' would be something that I would be hauling out. I would personally say something like, interesting thought, and leave it at that. >>Her calling and advice-giving habits are beginning to make me concerns >>about her actions in the future. [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > Tracey That is Culture difference, culture shock, etc. I would have patience with her and be cool before the wedding and go the extra mile. After the wedding I would try to live as far away of my mil as possible. Make sure you don't say negative things to your future wife because that backfires really bad. >I hit this group so maybe you can give me a little background on Spanish >mother in laws. I am getting married to a wonderful man this July. We [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] >future. >JF > I hit this group so maybe you can give me a little background on > Spanish mother in laws. I am getting married to a wonderful man this [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > beginning to make me concerns about her actions in the future. > JF You don't mention your own mother so it could be worse if they were both in your ear about The Wedding all day, every day. :) Halve the number of times you respond to her phone calls in a week and let most of them go through to voice mail . Practice saying, "that sounds lovely but I'm afraid it's not what we want" and make sure your fiance is in lock-step with you. Someone mentioned a regular email update - I think that's a great idea especially as it would reduce the tendency to argue back and forth over details that happens in speech. But don't shut her out entirely and, if you can, do try to include her in your planning in some small ways. It would be a kindness and she's not trying to be obnoxious, is she? She's trying to help. If she didn't look forward to you joining her family would she go to so much trouble? Tai I am sorry to say, but she might be a little bit off of her rocker if she wants flowers from Spain, unless of course she wants to bring them over with her. I think customs might have a problem with that. As for the mobile phone and usage of minutes. I would ask her to call you on another phone. Doesn't that cost extra for receiving international calls via cell phone? Or, maybe you can set up an hour or two each week when you call each other. You can use a phone plan like www.OneSuite.com that offers international to and from services for like three cents a minute. I am sure the calls are expensive on her end too. Or, do like the Buddha - let everything slide and try to make everyone happy but yourself. Dealing with your future mother in law should be the responsibility of your future husband. What does he say about all of this. If he won't have a talk with her then prepare for your husband to be passive and that's what you'll have to live with the rest of your life or however long the marriage lasts. > I hit this group so maybe you can give me a little background on Spanish > mother in laws. I am getting married to a wonderful man this July. We [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > future. > JF You all had great advice and I thank you for providing me with ideas and thoughts. I don't think my guy is passive, he just wants to make everyone happy is all, but you are right, he should be involved in something that is bothering me. As for the flowers, we settled on a small Spanish plant to be placed on guests' tables. Plus my mother has stepped in to filter the calls from the MIL. I think I might have to use your advice and check out OneSuite Mandy, my mother has been complaining about the long-distance charges! Now, I have two cranky mothers. Thanks again, you all have been great. JF |
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