Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / February 2006

this might be a bit long, but here goes.

I'm a 30 year-old indian male -- born and raised in the U.S. I'm about
as American as Apple Pie as folks may say, although I have a strong
sense of my heritage and culture -- as my parents both came her over 30
years back.

People consider me very lovable, kind and caring -- perhaps "too nice"
-- and funny to boot! Growing up presented a myriad challenges in the
form of school (failed out of college the first time around), tough
love and a notion of paranoia that infected my parents ability to trust
anyone with whom I spent any amount of time. Most of the adolescent
angst sorted itself out over time -- by the time i was, say, 25.. I was
the 20th century poster-boy for conflicted second generation indo-asian
youth (Paramount Studios -- OVER HERE!!) I've always kept verygood
jobs, working in technology and technology sales. I also had a very
dangerous bout with alcoholism as it runs in my family. I had a
successful dating career despite this, for the most part and enjoyed
those times too.

By the time I was 28, I had gone to India on several occassions to
visit family -- and (surprise!) meet "young, available women for
marriage". It's really not AS cheesy as it sounds. In this modern-day
age (i say this rather loosely and with SEVERAL grains of salt ) when a
"boy meets a girl" they're both given the chance to communicate their
wishes and wants with one another and can, independently, make a
decision about marrying one another.

On my last trip to India I was vehemently against meeting what would
then be the third girl on that trip. They'd implore I meet her and
after driving to the girl's house, met with them, had a lovely lunch
and then made our way back home.

She was attractive, smart, and conversed well.

Almost 1.5 months had gone by was I was back in my apt.in NYC (read:
tent). *Ring ring* went the phone. "Hi mom!...oh, right -- yes, she WAS
lovely. And yes, I think I would like to marry her!".

How did I arrive at this decision? Several factors.

- a timeless tradition (arranged marriage) that has worked for so many,
so well
- a leap of faith more powerful than myself
- an innate trust of someone else wanting only the best when placed in
a mutually
- had what seemed a good, objective head on her shoulders

** even though I was certain we didn't have ANY day-to-day activites in
common,  she made it clear she would love to travel and seem new places
and we both enjoy eating out a lot **

agreeable situation like this (i.e. MARRIAGE!)

After I told her I agree - she said she'd [my mother] speak to their
family and I would then speak to the "girl" (I hate that they say
"girl" -- she's a woman for f's sakes, but anyway) I spoke with --
let's call her Sue. Sue said "how can you come to a decision so
quickly!"

I replied, "well, it is sudden, and you're right - we should talk much
more, but let's do so with the premise of marriage as our focus.

We spoke for over four months on the phone. I got to learn more about
her, I retold many of my childhood stories, which she enjoyed
immensely. She was very forthright and for the most part "said it like
it was". She told me she enjoyed spending her time with friends, wasn't
much of a "going out at night" person -- but overall delightful. I
asked if she considered herself as a demanding type of person, or one
that needed a lot. she said no, and that she's pretty simple in terms
of material things. I asked if she's "materialistic" (in so many words)
and she replied, "no, just those things I need ...and they should be
nice!"

These discussions took place once every few days as it can be rather
expensive to talk on the phone all the time as well as time consuming.

During this time we only had one small "fight", about what I don't even
remember. she always said "you can do whatever you want, i don't care,
but PLEASE be cute for the engagement! please send me a picture that's
all I ask! [we had alraedy sent pics but she wanted a very recent
one]." So I sent her one and she was really happy even though i had
lose about 10 pounds and wanted to surprise her at the engagement (I'm
not overweight at all, but in good shape, just wanted to slim down a
little).

The engagement time came and we both saw each other agian for the first
time. She was very self-conscious and concerned with how she and I
looked. It went great as both our families were there. One thing I
noticed was that she didn't invite anyt of her friends to it. No big
deal. Then, in the days to follow (I was there for just one week), we
engaged in a Fisher-Price "My New fiancee" type of deal where we made
out (She'd grab me into her room and we'd both get intimate) as well as
went out to eat, and eventually see her friends.  It was cute, and
tender and most importantly, helped us establish a closeness that I
would later miss and wonder why it no longer exists.

I returned to the U.S. enthused about how the trip went and how smooth
everything was.

*fast-forward: thre weeks after the engagement*

Sue started calling me more and more -- during work, late at night, on
my way home from work, etc. By this time I had moved back home to my
parents, since my lease was up in the city and because she would be
returning to the U.s. with me after the wedding, it would be better to
have the family around her since she would know no one in the U.S.

The wedding was planned 6 months later. So we spoke a lot, and more
frequently. It came ot the point where she'd call and I couldn't answer
becauyse I'd be in work meetings, or commuting, in a subway, asleep or
with family/friends. Eventually she started screaming and crying,
telling me I never talk to her and that I'm rejecting her love for me.
she kept testing me, saying that if I loved her then I'd talk to her
durign my lunch hour, leave my friends early -- you name it. It came to
a head and i said i simply can not keep up. I was on the phone with her
for 2 hours a day, every day, NYC to India. My bills were NOT pretty.
But beyond that, she's ridicule me, my work -- telling me "it's only
IT" and that I don't even make much $$ or at least not enough for her
to be comfortable. I was shocked and insulted to say the least. Then,
when I sponsred her VISA papers, I had to supply my earnings over the
last three years. I make 100k/year plus bonus and kickbacks and have
been for some time. Even then she mocked, I' just hope you make enough
to pass the bare-minimum poverty line to support me so check to make
sure that you do! haha!"

Her history: She's 25.  She grew up at home and was spoiled to death
and always
got her way. She went ot med school and had dreams of coming to the
U.S. -- mostly for the notion of being financially well off. That's
fine - I have no problem with that and admire the work ethic. She has a
few friends who don't she gets along with, oon and off -- but her
relationship is mostly with her mother. She's never lived alone and has
never had a boyfriend, as far as I know.

Wedding time came around, and at this point, I had become a bit
exasperated, but glad she was coming back to the U.s. with me. It was a
new chapeter in both of our lives. Time and again I told her I'm here
for her and that I want to be her best frient, lover and "ultimate tour
guide" to a place entirely new to her.

Once in the United States she really showed her true colors.

She called my cousins "bratty american sh.ts"

flushed jewlery I gave her for both her birthday and christmas down the
toilet,

had me replace her toilet because the jewelry got stuck

told me that she expects me to make 200k or more in the next 3-4 years
because it's my duty and her right to demand it

siad i'm a "f.cking pushover" because I take my niece/nephew out for
food/movies (their mother is schizophrenic so their home life is rather
tough)

purchased 12 winter coats and insists on shopping all the time at
Burberry, Kenneth Cole, etc

talks about how she'll shop at all the exlcusive boutiques once she
makes a "ton of $$$" and "show everyone up"

counts how much $$$ she'll make once she becomes a practicing physician

tells me I'm a loser (my parents own considerable real-estate assets
and when she asked why i don't have any she called me a "loser")

was taken on three vacations, Santa Rosa/Napa, Washington DC and Boston
and said "this country has nothing worth seeing - it's only good to
have a comfortable life"

said that the only reason people from India come here is to make money
$$ and that it has nothing else, is culturally void

gives me the silent treatment when i don't condone her bitchy behaviour

snickers at me for "being stuck with her" and that i'm too much of a
"pvssy" to go against my parents wishes should I want to leave her

is always glad when something bad happens to me i.e. when i propped my
laptop onthe bed so we could watch a movie, it fell and she laughed
"hahah i hope that stupid thing breaks into a million pieces"

hangs up on me when she gets ticked off because i'm at work and tell
her i need to get bakc to work

complains that i don't have a house for her (we live with my parents -
i thought it best since she'd be lonely while i'm at work and my mom
stays at home)

ridicules me "you can't get these things because you'll never be a
physician like me, but i'll give you things if you want them!"

admits to being rude/selfish and says "you're such a better person than
I am - you deserve so much more -- you should just be meaner so i could
be the way i am!"

made me cancel my annual Lake Tahoe ski trip that i do each year with
my friends, saying that "it's not convenient for me, i don't even ski!"

Her period lasts for 10 days -- she has stated she doesn't enjoy sex at
all

I'm a VERY simple dude, mind you. I don't ask for a lot and I don't
need a lot. Just good friends and good food. I've time and again
discussed, in my own subtle and graceful ways about many
councelling/self-help/marriage concepts to her in the hopes that she
understands that this is a marriage but when we have differences she
absolutely freaks out, does things like push me or sabotage me by
turning off my computer when i'm using it and even flushing the jewelry
i gave her down the toilet. I also get lots of "you sissy!" or "be a
man!". She also says awful thigns about certain family members, like "i
can't believe he got such a hot wife-- he can't even speak a word of
english!!"  Or while we were in a jewelry store "isn't that the same
necklace I flushed down the toilet ? hahaha well if it was as expensive
as THIS one seems to be, I probably wouldn't think it was that funny"

HELP!! WHAT DO I DO?? I understand she has no one here, but this is
absolutely traumatizing. Her ridiculing and condescending me ALL THE
TIME has created a cloud of confusion in my otherwise decent life. I
used to enjoy coming home to do a number of things, but now i dread it.
I'm afraid to open my mouth lest she rip me a new one. She's also
two-faced. She jokes about how the whole world thinks she's so sweet,
including my parents, even though she lets her "real self" loose when
with me and thinks it's funny. What's not funny is that I wear my
emotions quite plainly. So when i'm feeling down or hurt , it's
obvious, while she's her "usual self" - chit-chatting, enjoying
herself, etc. I asked "why didnt you tell me you were so two-faced" and
she responded " maybe if you'd asked I would have told you ! " WHAT IS
THAT?!?!

Everyday, I tell myself:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the
strength to change the things I can, and the power to know the
difference.

HELP!!!