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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / March 2006Dana Reeves
The other post led me to think of Dana Reeves, and I realized that no one on this ng has mentioned her death... so I will. Dana Reeves is one of my "marriage role models". This excerpt from the MSNBC article about her death pretty much sums up why: >>In his autobiography, "Still Me," Reeve wrote that he suggested early on to his wife, "Maybe we should let me go." She responded, "I'll be with you for the long haul, no matter what. You're still you and I love you.">> This incredible woman faced hardships in her marriage that none of us should have to face, and she did so with integrity and dignity. She honored her commitment to her husband under the most horrendous of circumstances, even though I know there had to be times of great loneliness and fear. It couldn't have been easy for her, and yet, I've never seen anything that even suggests that she was not a loyal, faithful, and supportive mate. I truly admire this woman. To me, her life was an affirmation of what I believe marriage should be. Sheila >I truly admire this woman. To me, her life was an affirmation of what I >believe marriage should be. I'm having computer troubles so I hope I haven't sent this message 10 times. I agree about Dana Reeves. I was very saddened to learn of her passing--the last I'd heard, she was responding well to treatment and was expected to make a full recovery. Lauri in WA > >I truly admire this woman. To me, her life was an affirmation of what I > >believe marriage should be. [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > Lauri in WA I find it HEINOUSLY scary that she had lung cancer without being a smoker. Although I'm thrilled to death that a no-smoking law has finally been passed in the state in which I live; I'm afraid that for our generation, it is a little too late for the damage that second hand smoke might have caused. I have spent so many of my younger years waiting on tables and walking through smoke-filled bars to bring my customers their drinks. I feel a bit more vulnerable these days regarding illness and am definitely more sensitive to the word "cancer". The hardships that some families go through are unfathomable to me. I really don't know much about the Reeves family;but my heart goes out to their son who is 13 and now has no parents! Gosh I hope that they have enough family, friends and support to help this little guy grow up in a caring and loving environment. We hear about families like this, however, in some ways (and I hope that this does not sound mean) they are lucky in that they have had the finances and insurance to help them get through the horrors of their health challenges. On the other hand....look at so much of the rest of the world who face medical challenges and lack the resources...and the best of the best to help them get through it all. So much of life is not fair :-( That's why we have to look for, find and savor, what _is_ good in our lives. The sun is out today. That's a good thing. > I find it HEINOUSLY scary that she had lung cancer without being a > smoker. Although I'm thrilled to death that a no-smoking law has [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > regarding illness and am definitely more sensitive to the word > "cancer". Relax. It's fairly rare in non-smokers like yourself! And even for smokers, it's not all that common either. Emphysema, on the other hand.... > The hardships that some families go through are unfathomable to me. I > really don't know much about the Reeves family;but my heart goes out to [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > challenges and lack the resources...and the best of the best to help > them get through it all. The hardest part for me about this Dana Reeves and Peter Jennings was how fast their illnesses took them. On the one hand, if you're the one who is ill, maybe succumbing quickly is a blessing. OTOH, did the families have time to adjust? > So much of life is not fair :-( That's why we have to look for, find > and savor, what _is_ good in our lives. > > The sun is out today. That's a good thing. The weather is heating up here - hooray! A bit rainy today but mild in the mid-50s. Feels positively balmy compared to recent months!!! jen > > I find it HEINOUSLY scary that she had lung cancer without being a > > smoker. Although I'm thrilled to death that a no-smoking law has [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > smokers, it's not all that common either. Emphysema, on the other > hand.... With all due respect Jen, from where you are sitting; it's quite easy for you to suggest that I "relax". I'm not going to slam you for smoking, but I think that we're both coming from entirely different points of view on the subject. Not to mention that my system is weak on several levels. I have a long history of jobs in smoke filled rooms. > > The hardships that some families go through are unfathomable to me. I > > really don't know much about the Reeves family;but my heart goes out to [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > > jen > > Relax. It's fairly rare in non-smokers like yourself! And even for > > smokers, it's not all that common either. Emphysema, on the other [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > smoking, but I think that we're both coming from entirely different > points of view on the subject. Yeah - if anyone needs to worry about lung cancer, it's me. :-( > Not to mention that my system is weak > on several levels. I have a long history of jobs in smoke filled > rooms. Sure, you may come down with lung cancer someday. In the meantime, what do you get by worrying about it? Wouldn't you rather enjoy your life, without all the anxiety? It's not like there's anything you can do to undo all those years in smoky bars. What's done is done. You are doing your best to take care of what you *can* control going forward - including eating better than 99% of the population, staying far away from second-hand smoke now, and getting good medical care. This is a particularly painful subject for me (I shoulda just skipped by this thread when I saw the topic!) because DH's uncle is battling lung cancer. He did smoke briefly in his 20s, but quit decades and decades ago, and until his dx, he was considered remarkably healthy with "lungs of a nonsmoker." He got a particularly aggressive form of it, and they gave him months to live. But he beat all the odds and it's been three years. That's when they told him maybe he would be one of the lucky 13% survivors afterall. It was a "miracle" recovery. The doctors credited it to his positive attitude. Except recently he's been diagnosed with two new cancers - skin and brain - that are *not* matisized forms of the original lung cancer. The skin cancer is an extremely rare and aggressive form; the brain cancer is riddled throughout his brain. It's heartbreaking. Chances are he will not make it to the 5 year mark afterall, but it won't be the lung cancer that kills him. Despite all of this, he maintains his optimism and is still suprisingly upbeat about it. When you ask him "why," he smiles and says he's simply got unlucky genes. There's a long history in his family of men dying relatively young from weird, rare & aggressive cancers. He tells us, "It doesn't matter what you do, how well you take care of your health, or how much you obsess about it.... sometimes bad things happen to good people anyway." He says this without any bitterness and "why me?" because he says that would be a waste of his time. So anyway, you and me? We're both total worry-warts. When I suggested in the past that you try to be more positive, do you understand why that is? It's not because I'm sitting on my high-horse here criticizing you for not being as positive as I am because I'm so perfect.... uhhhhh.........NOPE! It's because *I'm* trying not to catch your anxiety for myself!!!!! It's a self-defense tactic. Cuz it's awfully easy for *me* to start obsessing and worrying about things like cancer and dying young and whatnot, or DH getting cancer, since it runs in his family, and dying on me. So go back and re-read what I just wrote, with the filter that it's not me telling you how you should relax and not worry! It's really *me* telling me that. :-( And meanwhile I am sorry I was unable to be as supportive to you as others here where. It was a struggle for me because of my own personal anxieties. I realize that's totally selfish of me. jen > > > Relax. It's fairly rare in non-smokers like yourself! And even for > > > smokers, it's not all that common either. Emphysema, on the other [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > Yeah - if anyone needs to worry about lung cancer, it's me. :-( That can easily be debated. We each have our own reasons for worrying. My stuff is about choices that are beyond my control and I can be considered silly to worry for that reason alone. You still have choices to make; to continue smoking or not. You too can be considered silly for worrying since you're choosing to continue smoking and upping your chances. And yes, I admit I was a smoker, in college, back in the 70's for about 5 years or so. I decided one day when I was about to get married that I would not be a "smoking mom" holding a baby with a cigarette dangling out of my mouth and I stopped. > > Not to mention that my system is weak > > on several levels. I have a long history of jobs in smoke filled > > rooms. > > Sure, you may come down with lung cancer someday. In the meantime, what > do you get by worrying about it? There's a difference between sitting around my an entire day and stressing myself out over it and mentioning it in a newsgroup and forgetting about it as soon as I'm done posting. I fall into the second category. Mention of something that I worry about does not mean, in any way, shape or form that my day is spent agonizing about it. Wouldn't you rather enjoy your life, > without all the anxiety? I'll tell you what? I'll trade places with you today and let me know how much you enjoy your days knowing what is coming up in the next couple months as far as my treatment plan goes. I do work on the anxiety with a therapist, a physical therapist, I take some meds when I need it and I talk about in places like here. It's not like there's anything you can do to > undo all those years in smoky bars. What's done is done. You are doing > your best to take care of what you *can* control going forward - > including eating better than 99% of the population, staying far away > from second-hand smoke now, and getting good medical care. I think it's still okay to mention it if I feel like doing so. > This is a particularly painful subject for me (I shoulda just skipped > by this thread when I saw the topic!) because DH's uncle is battling > lung cancer. He did smoke briefly in his 20s, but quit decades and > decades ago, and until his dx, he was considered remarkably healthy > with "lungs of a nonsmoker." He got a particularly aggressive form of > it, and they gave him months to live. Sorry about your dh's uncle. My father battled throat cancer from smoking and yeah, it's a painful subject for me too. > But he beat all the odds and it's been three years. That's when they > told him maybe he would be one of the lucky 13% survivors afterall. It [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > will not make it to the 5 year mark afterall, but it won't be the lung > cancer that kills him. A positive attitude can get you so far...as has been mentioned in another thread about healthy living getting you so far. To expect a person diagnosed with cancer to not be anxious is a pretty silly notion, as far as I'm concerned. The old, "walk a mile in my shoes" seems to apply pretty well in this particular case. It's very easy to project into the future and assume how we'll respond. And to be perfectly honest with you Jen, I"m surprising myself. I have not once gone into a "why me" attitude. I have two kids, one of whom would be devastated if I gave up or died...the other one, well, she's still young and is pretty hung up on where her next pair of jeans will come from. > Despite all of this, he maintains his optimism and is still suprisingly > upbeat about it. When you ask him "why," he smiles and says he's simply [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > people anyway." He says this without any bitterness and "why me?" > because he says that would be a waste of his time. We all respond differently to tough situations. In the case of illness, once you're diagnosed, you lose all control over the situation. Yeah, you can decide whether or not to take treatments, pills, etc etc etc, but that's about it. Again, until it hits you personally, you genuinely have no idea how you will respond. > So anyway, you and me? We're both total worry-warts. When I suggested > in the past that you try to be more positive, do you understand why > that is? No, I really don't. It's not my job to analyze you. I know it's healthy to be positive and I"m not insulted when it's suggested to me. I also know that at this time in my life, what is helpingthe most is speaking with folks who also have this disease...and others who have had similar diseases. I'm learning that I'm right on target with how I feel. In fact...a tiny bit above average as far as acceptance and taking action. It's not because I'm sitting on my high-horse here criticizing > you for not being as positive as I am because I'm so perfect.... > uhhhhh.........NOPE! [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > it's not me telling you how you should relax and not worry! It's really > *me* telling me that. :-( I really didn't put much thought into what you wrote Jen...I'm working on fixing me, not fixing you. All I see is you, writing a post about what my life should feel like right now and what I should be doing. I don't take it personally. > And meanwhile I am sorry I was unable to be as supportive to you as > others here where. It was a struggle for me because of my own personal > anxieties. I realize that's totally selfish of me. I post, I get responses, I take what I need and I leave the rest. I've been getting LOTS of face to face support from friends, neighbors, and family. Online, plenty of emails and an online thyroid cancer support group that is immensely helpful. May this never hit you Jen. > jen >>>> Relax. It's fairly rare in non-smokers like yourself! And even for >>>> smokers, it's not all that common either. Emphysema, on the other [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > Wouldn't you rather enjoy your life, without all the anxiety? Yeah, let's just walk away from all the hard things in life! (aka: sad rationalizations) > I'll tell you what? I'll trade places with you today and let me know > how much you enjoy your days knowing what is coming up in the next [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > I think it's still okay to mention it if I feel like doing so. Yes it is!!!!! Well, that's JMHO. Well, OK, scratch that one: JMO - probably isn't much H left anymore) >> This is a particularly painful subject for me (I shoulda just skipped >> by this thread when I saw the topic!) because DH's uncle is battling [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > A positive attitude can get you so far...as has been mentioned in > another thread about healthy living getting you so far. Exactly. Not only that, but it's a copout, on taking on the hard challenges. Easy street - for the wimpies!! > To expect a > person diagnosed with cancer to not be anxious is a pretty silly [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > pills, etc etc etc, but that's about it. Again, until it hits you > personally, you genuinely have no idea how you will respond. True. >> So anyway, you and me? We're both total worry-warts. When I suggested >> in the past that you try to be more positive, do you understand why >> that is? > > No, I really don't. It's not my job to analyze you. But it's kinda fun to analyze people!! (unless ya just want to talk about recipes, or whatever; thanks, but no thanks) > I know it's > healthy to be positive and I"m not insulted when it's suggested to me. [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > what my life should feel like right now and what I should be doing. I > don't take it personally. Actually, I think many of us do do that (and some w/o realizing it). It's easy to do, sometimes. >> And meanwhile I am sorry I was unable to be as supportive to you as >> others here where. It was a struggle for me because of my own personal [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] >> >> jen > The hardest part for me about this Dana Reeves and Peter Jennings was > how fast their illnesses took them. On the one hand, if you're the one > who is ill, maybe succumbing quickly is a blessing. OTOH, did the > families have time to adjust? > jen I've had sudden-deaths in my family (my brother at age 28) and my father-in-law (age 59)--both from accidents--not illnesses. And I've also had deaths in my family that were more gradually occurring (several months--2 years) due to cancer and other illnesses. For the ones that died, I have NO doubt that going quickly is a blessing to them. However, it does seem harder for those left behind. You always find yourself thinking "if I would have only had time to say goodbye" or similar thoughts. Either way, at least in my case, 'time to adjust' really doesn't happen or change before the deaths occur. It's after the deaths that survivors must adjust. For me personally, in the case of my older (and only sibling) brother, as hard as it was to loose him so quickly (and we were VERY, VERY close--only 13 months age difference), I think it would have been harder on both him and me, to see him suffer over several months. As it was he suffered horribly for 3 weeks. My parents are still greiving heavily after 16 years now. Knowing and seeing what my parents have been thru, I think I would rather die today than live 50 more years and see one of my kids die. Still missing my brother, but am looking forward to a reunion in heaven.... Bo > > The hardest part for me about this Dana Reeves and Peter Jennings was > > how fast their illnesses took them. On the one hand, if you're the one [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > > Bo My heart goes out to you; knowing what it's like to be very, very close to a spouse. My sister is having a terribly hard time with my recent diagnosis as I know I would be if it were her. The two of us are like two peas in a pod and we've both always said that if one of us died, the other would too. Then the parent component! The thought of losing either of my children suddenly, or worse, over an extended period of time............too much to think about!!! I always looke dup to Dana Reeves and I was so shocked and sad with her death and she was so young and it was so unfair that she died of a desease which only attacks to a very small unmer of non-smokers... what a life she had and good people always have to go first and suffer the most... Im sorry about your lose and my heart goes to you. I really hope heaven exists because this life is definitely not fair for lots of people. Inco >> The hardest part for me about this Dana Reeves and Peter Jennings was >> how fast their illnesses took them. On the one hand, if you're the one [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > >Bo >I always looke dup to Dana Reeves and I was so shocked and sad with > her death and she was so young and it was so unfair that she died of a [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > Inco Thank you for your condolences. If I didn't *know* I would see him in heaven, the pain and emotions would be 100 times worse. Especially during that 1st year after losing him. Bo > I agree about Dana Reeves. I was very saddened to learn of her > passing--the last I'd heard, she was responding well to treatment and > was expected to make a full recovery. Really? Lung cancer has one of the lowest survival rates of all (only 13% make it to the 5-year mark). jen >> I agree about Dana Reeves. I was very saddened to learn of her >> passing--the last I'd heard, she was responding well to treatment and >> was expected to make a full recovery. > >Really? Lung cancer has one of the lowest survival rates of all (only >13% make it to the 5-year mark). Yes, Jen, really. That is really what I heard. It was on Good Morning America in January, from Dana Reeve's own lips. Lauri in WA > >> I agree about Dana Reeves. I was very saddened to learn of her > >> passing--the last I'd heard, she was responding well to treatment and [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > Yes, Jen, really. That is really what I heard. It was on Good > Morning America in January, from Dana Reeve's own lips. That's just so sad. :-( I don't watch GMA so I had no idea she was even ill, until I read the news that she'd died. jen >That's just so sad. :-( > >I don't watch GMA so I had no idea she was even ill, until I read the >news that she'd died. It's very sad. She looked very healthy in January and sang so beautifully. Lauri in WA > The other post led me to think of Dana Reeves, and I realized that no one > on this ng has mentioned her death... so I will. [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > Sheila Yes, she was one of those "special women" that I mentioned to a lass on alt.support.depression.recovery. That girl is in love with a guy with deep. continuous depression. She is not sure if she can marry him. I told her not to try heroics. It is hard for a young woman marrying a man who is already disabled. It is probably easier to accept that the man you love is now much less than what you had before. But that kind of love is what I try to push all the time. It is what keeps the other partner going. And the roles can be reversed. I probably take my wife a bit for granted, but I know that her sticking by me as my depression got worse has meant a lot to me. They say that one never knows what one can do until faced with something like that. There have been wives (and probably husbands) who couldn't hack it. One of my wife's bosses has a wife with an emotional problem. He simply accepts it as part of the marriage contract to support her as much as possible. We (and his own support counsellor) are trying to get him to look after himself as well. Doug L.  SignatureImmature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' - Erich Fromm. > The other post led me to think of Dana Reeves, and I realized that no one > on [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > > Sheila I didn't know she had died. How terribly sad. When did she die? I whole heartedly agree that she was a fantastic role model for marriage and mothers. Bo |
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