Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / May 2006

OK.  Well, first:  being in love doesn't mean (at least for lots of
us) that you stop noticing other attractive women.

I can tell you something about what it means for me, but these things
aren't in a very good order,  and I have no idea how well they reflect
other people's experiences of being in love:

-I enjoy spending time with my wife.  I look forward to being with
her when I'm not with her,  I enjoy snuggling up to her in bed while
we're sleeping,  I want to spend vacations with her, etc.
-I want to know what she thinks about things.  I want her perspective
on our friends and children.  On movies we see together,  on what she
likes and what she doesn't like.
-I want her to be happy and contented.  Perhaps for completely
selfish reasons - it is more fun for _me_ to be with her when she's
happy, so it makes me happy too.  But at the same time,  I get
enjoyment out of doing things which I know will please her.

These are all apart from (though perhaps not unrelated to) the strong
physical attraction I still experience for her.

They are also apart from the similarities of experiences (we've been
married a long time) which lead to feelings of intimacy between us,
even in a crowd.

So, my question to you is:  are these things you can imagine feeling
for your girlfriend, and imagine wanting to build on and reinforce
over the long-term?

My perspective would be that if the answer to that question is yes,
then marriage might make sense, if the answer to it is no, then you
won't be able to stay happily married.  Of course some people would
rather be unhappily married than alone (I'm not like this, but I can
believe that some others are), and this is another thing to consider.

You'll have to think about those one at the time, and decide if they're
realistic and objective, or if you're reacting to your fears. Ask
yourself, am I thinking most likely scenario - which is most often near
the middle of the road, or am I fearing the worst case scenario - which
doesn't happen all that often.
Also, look at whether your fears are based on something that you
actually see happening, or if they're a product of your mind, like,
statistics say "a" so I'm  afraid she will do "a" even if knowing her
"a" is just not her style.

You have to decide that you are willing to give it your best shot. Even
when things don't work out, you can get a lot of satisfaction in
knowing you tried your best. Some things in life we just can't control
or predict, we can just deal with them as they come.

That's *alone* not a very good reason to hang around.

It can come and go, passion does subside.

That might be a part of what's going on with you. When I find myself in
a spot like that, I like to go see a shrink to talk things over. I
usually tell him, I need to talk a few things over, something bothers
me, and I can't figure it out, or I cant put my finger on it, or I'm
unsure what to do. Shrinks are usually really good in asking questions
and giving you food for thought, sort of lead you to figure out what's
up with you.
It dowsn't mean something is wrong, it's more like regular maintenance,
like a 30,000 K service on a car.

Mos men do, that's just a part of being a male.

That you have a sex drive (which is normal), and you're still pretty
focused on it (lot of men are, so you're pretty normal in that aspect
too), and not so focused on your feelings and other aspects of your
personality. It may not be a bad thing for you to spend some time on
your own. Those are the times when most personal growth occures. I
think your emotional and spiritual side needs little more growth and
learning before you're ready for marriage.

There's no failsafe things in life, but you do have to at least have an
inkling of a few things you want out of life. You learn that by
spending some more time on your own, getting to know yourself. Times
when one feels lonely might just be the best times for personal and
emotional growth. Having another person around often makes it too easy
to focus on them, and not spend enough time with ourselves to grow and
learn who we are and what we want.

I am going to reiterate:  don't marry someone you don't love, and it
really doesn't sound like you love your girlfriend.  I asked "what is
love anyway?" when I was married to my ex.  I don't ask it now.  I
*know* I love my H.

I *do* think it is OK to get married if you have doubts *about
marriage.*  I did.  I am not a person who is sure of things or can't see
alternatives or ways things could go wrong.  But I don't think it is OK
to get married of you have doubts about whether you want *this person*.

Aaron:

Do this woman a favor and cut here loose.  She deserves to find
happiness with a man who knows that he loves her and knows that he
wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

and do yourself a favor....don't mary her because she will enventually
figure out how you really feel, be mad as hell and this will turn into
a very, very ugly divorce.

Grace

Thank you for the advice and information Sam..

I am of the belief that if a tire goes "thump, thump, thump", it likely is
going flat.. Expert advice may be necessary to diagnose NPD, but the
symptoms are usually suggestive to the aware non professional as well..
I'm a research scientist, and I find the methods of discovery in my field
useful to the study of my husband's narcissistic behavior..

My life is similar to living with a circus clown, and the rest of the
circus as well :)

Tell me Sam, is it sporadically possible for narcissists to "eliminate" their
spouse, who perhaps stopped playing their games?

You have a great deal to teach us concerning NPD, and a great
responsibility to do so.. Perhaps you don't care, but I'd like to think
that you do!

Diana