Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / June 2006

          Hello. I am new to this and it's the first time i'm writing.
Thanks for having me. Please help me with an advice as my problem is
very big and hard to deal with. I have met my husband 5 years ago and
it was love at first sight for me. He was/is very attractive, very
withdrawn and shy and i was totaly intrigued by his alura of mistery
from the first day we've met. We got to know eachother and a year later
we got married. And so it begins...
          A year later, on his b-day i wanted to make something realy
special for him so in the moment of intimacy, after some drinks, he was
relaxed and totaly insynk with me so i asked him a fantasy he would
like to make true. And that's where it all begins. He confided in me
that he would like to have relations with a men, just for one night,
just to see how it is. This fell like a bomb in my head. I could not
belive what my ears were hearing. I mean i was happy and all that he
got so comfortable with me to share his inner most deep feelings and
desires, but i realy didn't want to hear that. My head started
spinning. At that moment i wasn't sure if it was only the alcohol or
his words bumping echos from one side of my cranium to another. I was
running out of air and my neck went so dry. No matter how much i tried
to breath and swallow, my spit felt like a brick, choaking me.
            This came as a Total surprise. Indeed i noticed he was a
bit feminine in a way but his attitude twards things was one of a
straight guy. I didn't know what to think...i asked him if he was gay,
but he said no, he's bi and i asked him to explain that. He said he
would like to try having sex with a guy but as a life partner he wants
a woman. i also asked him if something about me is making him have all
these thoughts, but he said it's from a long time ago, even from when
he was married before(he's much older than me), but he never acted on
them because he is shy and he wants support(someone to be there and he
didn't find that in his ex wife).
          I live my husband very very much and he loves me. Thoughts
of spliting are far away from my mind, but unfortunately the way i am
right now it would be a miracole for HIm not to leave Me. I said no to
his request. I said i would do anything to satisfy him as long as it
does not imply bringing anothr person into this. Since then it's been 3
and 1/2 years and i have seen myself change so much...when i actualy
thought i would get phisycly and psychologicaly sick by keeping all
this to me, i decided to write here for some help.
          I have become very witdrawn since that incident. Unbelivebly
from a very sexual person i am now asexual, frigid in bed with him and
i have become so angry. I am angry on people, on life, on things,
especialy on me and i can't help the guilt that maybe there's something
i did to make him wanna share me. I feel that i am unworthy,
unspecial...i feel grey, sad, ugly and sick. It didn't happen all at
once but what acumulated over 3 years is now all this in one person,
all at the same time, in me. I have dropped so much weight and i feel
so tired, drained, sick. Every morning i look in the mirror and my eyes
are red, tired and when i look at myself i don't see a 26 years old
beautiful intelligent, smart girl. No. I feel worthless and i feel like
i reached menopause or somethin' like that(metaforicly speaking).
         Now, I have zero tolerancy to gay jokes or when streight guys
play gay jokes on eachother. It makes me so mad, so furious that other
pleople's jokes are other people's real life nightmares. I have miles
of respect twards out-closeted gays because they know who they are and
what they want and furry tward the others that won't come out and face
who they realy are, deciding to have families and babies, affairs,
exposing themselves to the chance of beeing caught, of getting
deseases, of spreading deseases and distroying other people's lifes.
         I don't know what to do. My husband asked me a couple more
times since then, mainly when we were realxed together sharing a beer,
but last time he mentioned it i told him i'd raise up and walk away if
he doen't stop thinking about that. And he stopped asking and i tried
forgetting but i am reminded every day by looking into my husban's
eyes.
        I asked him to go to the counselor with me but he refuses...he
doesn't wanna talk about it and sais we don't have a problem if we work
on it with compromises.
        Do you have any words for me? Advices? I want to save my
marriage because i love my husband and i know he loves me very much.
How do i go about this? How can i look at this not to seem such a
negative experience?

thx for listening,
Jessy